ADVICE: I Let My Man Go, To Keep Him

Me and my man are not like the couples we know.  It’s different what we have.  He’s very handsome and me, I’m pretty damn attractive too.  When we got together it was sex on the first date.  We didn’t even leave the restaurant! 

That was 5 years ago.  Still strong still in love.  But before we got together he told me he could never be faithful, but he’d be loyal.  I laughed it off.  I didn’t know what he meant.  I do now.

For the last 2 years, we’ve had an open relationship.  He sees other women.  I am not seeing anyone else.  We are happier than we ever have been.  He always, always comes home before the sun rises.  He calls, answers my calls, and never disrespects our home.  That’s the kind of agreement we have. 

He holds his end every well. I bitch about it sometimes only because I think I should.  I’m not really that mad because I know.  Problem is I told a friend about our arrangement and she told everybody.  Now, people look at us like freaks. 

I’m feeling may be I did something wrong that’s my fault why he hasn’t popped the question this whole time.  Did I create a monster?  Should I stop this?

D from Bronx, NY

Dear D:

Slow down.  You asked like three questions that need a different answer. 

I can’t address the marriage thing, because I don’t know how old you are or what else is involved.  Before you start thinking about that, you need to be at peace with what the relationship is like now, because it may never change.  Marriage doesn’t make people change, it shows people up. 

To the matter at hand:  Never talk to your friends about intimate relationship details.  Ever.  Especially one as unconventional as yours.  I believe you are okay with it.  If you are, then leave it as is.  Always honor your yes-es and no-s in life.  It’s obviously working out for you, until you announced it. 

What kind of monster did you create?  Seems like “monster” is the doubt your friends are putting in your head.  Sounds to me that you and your man are both products of each other’s needs.  He needs you to be you and you need him to be him to validate each other, somehow. 

It gives you security to know that “my man can’t lie that he’s cheating because I know that he is”.  This is also similar to why women date men who are married.  They feel they already know the biggest secret, so what else can there be to threaten what they have. 

If you stop it, you run the risk of losing the relationship.  It’s almost like breaking an agreement.  It will seem manipulative. 

Stop it only if you are ready to leave the relationship.  If you stay, you’ll drive yourself nuts wondering if he’s really stopped.  Don’t blame this man for something you agreed to do, and do not punish him for being honest from the gate.

With love,

XO

Originally posted 2020-01-07 06:50:34.