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How To Be An Alpha Female: The Broke Alphanista

You do exist.

As beautiful, smart, and enterprising as you are, shit happens.

Because of some ill fated decisions, consequences, health issues, or too many of the right risks at the wrong time, you are cooked like a goose.  The funds you saved are gone, and you don’t have a back-up plan this time.  What do you do?  The Broke Alphanista knows that life only reflects back to her where she is.  If you notice that everyone around you is broke, that is a cue that subliminally or unconsciously you’ve picked up some bad habits.  You’ve sabotaged yourself.  You sabotage yourself not by being broke but by staying in the situation.  When you are broke, that is one of the best times to become financially independent.  It is the best time to take risks, what do you have to lose?  You sabotage yourself, by staying stuck and developing a broke mentality.

A broke mentality is one of lack, little risk, and built around scarcity.  There is never enough to go around for the broke mentality.  Here are more symptoms:

–you want to be first in line everywhere, in case “something” runs out, and silently hiss at that woman who strolls in an hour later and gets it without an issue

–you think any “good thing” doesn’t last, and it doesn’t for you because you fulfilled your own prophecy

–you penny pinch until it hurts talking yourself out of opportunities and purchases that may actually help you

–you always expect bad service at a restaurant

Anyone can be “broke”, but a “broke mentality” becomes a new habit and way of thinking, where everything good seems to dance away.  You realize this and begin to build a mental fortress and support to protect you from living among the 90% so that you may find your place among the talented 10%.

Read more in this series.

Tip 13: How To Be An Alphanista

“An alphanista knows two things-the art of reinvention and the art of surprise….

What happens when you can’t be all that you thought you could be?

You reinvent yourself.  Reinvention is not a linear process.  It has nothing to do with finishing school, getting the right friends, job, love, or home.  It is about surviving adverse situations, coming out on top, re-awakening the “Rocky” in you to surprise yourself, and those who forgot about you.   It’s about taking what’s left and molding it into the new you.  The thing about reinvention is this:  No one helps you.

It can only happen by the straps of your own boots.  By you sitting at home one weekend, one month, one year, or over lunch with friends, and saying, “Yeah, that’s what I want to be.”   That “that” may be something you had never tried.   But everything else has been taken from you.  It is your chance to do something new.  To leave a mark.  To be great once again.

Reinvention is for those alphanistas who have a little thing called-spirit.  Spirit is talked about, but rarely understood.   It’s that little sing-s0ng in an alphanista that whispers in her ear when she just got evicted.  It’s that little word or flash of light she sees when she’s just been jailed.  It’s that word that tells you “It ain’t over yet” because you have whole new chapter, opening up in front of you.  It’s those words that help you get up in the morning, and apply for that job you aren’t qualified for–and later, get, by the seat of your pants that is a bridge to another place, another you.  Reinvention is about making order out of chaos.

A spirited woman is a woman full of life.   Who can’t be beaten.  It’s not about strength, but about vision.  Spirited women are not exactly strong, but they stand up, when they get ready.  To me, “strong” is more sturdy, rigid, cold, unemotional.  When you’re on your way to re-invention, you’re anything but.   You need to be flexible, pallable like dough.

Here are some possible reinventions with varying degrees of transition, many done and written about more than once.  I’m working on one of the below 🙂

  • Pop Star to Self Help Therapist
  • Divorced Housewife to Las Vegas Stripper
  • Starving Artist to Famous Politician
  • U.S. Ambassador to Fitness Trainer
  • Small Business Owner to Fortune 500 CEO

An alphanista may reinvent her life several times to make sense of a mess she created.  If she didn’t get the husband, get the home, or whatever she had prized, and find a new love.   She may move off to Italy, and become one of the nations’ only celebrity foreign chefs.  Odd, huh?  Exactly.  A reinvention hardly ever makes much sense to others, but the inventor….

First Lady Michelle’s Dating Advice?

Michelle: From Working Mom To Stay At Home Mom (Look Good, Girl!)

Recently, Michelle Obama gave some dating advice to women in Glamour (a publication I’ve written for), and she said this:

Cute’s good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it’s, Who are you as a person? That’s the advice I would give to women: Don’t look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn’t know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you’re dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. Get out of it and find that person that brings you complete and utter joy with who you are at the moment.

I always love Mrs. O’s advice.  I see what she is saying.  I also see how it can be misunderstood.  A man or woman cannot bring you “complete and utter joy” or “make you completely happy”.  They can, however, enhance what you already have and or feeling.  For example, if you are happy, then you are more happy with them, and if you are depressed, you will be more depressed because you’ll find situations to be depressed about.

That is what I believe she is saying.  Too many men and women lean on their partners for that “good feeling”.  I have done that, and when that comes up I realize I can’t call him to feel good it’s about me, my overall emotional chemistry.  What am I telling myself? What stories am I making up in my mind?  Definitely choose a man based on his character, but many women won’t.  They want the money, and the looks, the cars, and all that.  Just make sure however you get it, you are already “there” inside, and won’t hold anyone hostage in a relationship until they make you feel good.

ADVICE: Married Women Are Evil

© Domen Colja
© Domen Colja

Dear Alphanista,

I’ve been tryin’ to figure this out for the longest!

I am single, 27, around my married friends some older some younger.  One by one they all started slipping away as soon as they got married.  Some of us went to school together and we were tight before.  Okay, I do understand that when you are married you have more things to do and your family becomes the priority.  But the only times I hear from these chicks now is through the mail or email with photos of their babies and what not.  When I reply or send a gift or acknowledgement they never reply.

So, I stopped.  But it bugged me.  It hurt me.  So, I have two married friends that live near me, and everytime I ask them about hooking me up with somebody single they know (and they know!) it’s always, “You are okay by yourself.  You can’t rush things.  You have to be patient.” Excuse my language.  But I’m like BITCH, I want someone like you have.  They laugh.

I’m not a scrub, I am beautiful, have won several awards, have a nice apartment decent car, great job tech consultant job, and men come at me all the time.  I just am tired of dating random strangers.  Okay, so when we’re on the phone and I’m talking about what kind of man I want they discourage me that I am thinking crazy and I need to learn to accept my life as a single person until the right man comes.  Can you believe this?  I am asking for help.  These are supposed to be my friends.  I can’t wait to get married to show them how to treat others.  It’s like they don’t want me to get married.  Are they jealous?  Is that possible?  They have like a haughty attitude, sort of elitist and I can’t stand it!

So through.


Dear Jade:

This is really hurting you, and you have every right to be pissed at them.

You know this is one of the most unspoken issues among women.  Granted there are married women who want to help or hook friends up, but there are many more who don’t.  Many married women and, some have told me this themselves, believe that they are better than single people.  In most people’s mundane lives, being married is the pinnacle of their existence.  It makes them “unique”.  If you take that away, they are nothing again.

You, Jade, may be like that woman that they want to be, wanted to be or their husband would date.  It does sound like you have a lot going on for you, so you have many things to be proud of and speak about.  They are probably wondering why do you need any more blessings.  Look, I’m being raw here.  These are day to day feelings most people don’t talk about.  They don’t want someone to have more than they do.  It boils down to a feeling of lack.  Like there isn’t enough happiness to go around.  If I hook her up, and she gets happier than me, then what does that say about me?  What do I do?  No one wants to explain this.

Now, you know I gotta bring it back.  Years ago, women used to look out for women when it came to men.  Suggesting this guy that guy.  Having little parties.  Hooking up their single girls, etc.  It was in order.  They believed there were lots of men, everybody deserved one.

But as soon as talks of “shortages” and “all the good ones are taken” comes up, everybody grabs on to theirs.  If you get married, then they have someone else to compete with.  You’ll take them out of their comfort zone of “being better than”.  These are not true friends.  True friends who are happy, want to spread it around to everyone, even strangers.

This is not to say that married women are obligated to do anything.  They don’t have to hook their friends up.  But as in most situations that a friend would need help—with a job, party planning, babysitting, it’s expected that they would help here.

Finally, stop asking these type of married friends to hook you up.  Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you single and wanting what they have.  Live your life, find alternative (non random methods) to bring that man in your life because you will.  Let’s see how many friends you’ll have then?

From Alphanista w/love