So I was raised being close to my family, but now I can really say that I don’t like them too much.
Actually, not at all. I still love them, and not because I have to; I sincerely wish them an abundance of blessings, however my associations with them leave me mentally and physically drained. If you don’t have anything in common with your relatives besides blood, do you really have to talk to them? I mean, what am I missing out on? Selfishness, check. Tactlessness, check. The list can go on for days. In so many ways, they have proven to be selfish and unreliable in the extreme. I make tremendous efforts to be a better person and exhibit positive traits and I strive to treat people the way I want to be treated. I used to always wonder about other family members who would ‘cut’ everyone off, and do them, but now I can undoubtedly see the logic. I really think that I can continue to become a better person without the negativity of these people in my life.
I guess my question is: does disassociating myself from my family make me a bad person? I’ve already tried telling them how I feel but they disregarded my feelings while being very judgmental and petty in the process. Furthermore, they’re all pretty conventional and contrary so they think therapy and mediation are silly gestures. Are there any other alternatives to just letting go?
P.S. I absolutely love your site!
Best Regards,
Perplexed but not distressed
_______________________________________________
Dear Perplexed:
There’s 2 ways to look at this: 1) It’s your fault your family is like this or, 2) They just don’t know any better.
Let’s look at the first. Let’s say you’re missing a little detail about the way you act and are being around your family. Let’s say you did something or said something some time ago and all the tables turned on you. If this is the case: The only way it can change is if you come out and try to make peace. Not necessarily sitting down and having a Dr. Phil moment because we can’t all do it like that. But try changing the way you are around them. Do you roll your eyes when they say something uncouth? Do you tell them how selfish and tactless they are? Even in a joking manner?
People often have a way of reflecting what we say or believe about them, even if it isn’t completely true. Very much like children. You call a child bad, he’ll keep acting bad. In other words, change how you act around your family and they’ll change how they act around you. Try it. Go in one day complimenting them and just being your happy self. See the response. After a while, you’ll start to notice how they’ve changed too.
NOW, let’s get to the second part! If they just don’t know any better, don’t waste your breath. You are NOT a bad person if you dislike your family or leave them. You have to live your life. If you stay within their clutches they’ll leave you cynical and miserable as they are. It’s not enough to tell them that you don’t want to be associated with them. Just do it. You don’t have to go to EVERY family gathering. You don’t have to lend money, do favors, etc. Draw boundaries. Shish, if you even have to, move to another state. Start over. Do you have children? Are you married? Start your own family unit within the security of your own home. That is what it’s all about any way. We grow with our family, then we grow out, and start another family of friends or of blood. If you’re not there yet, start working on boundaries.
Do not walk in giving anybody the speech about your feelings. Nobody wants to hear all that. You deal with your feelings because we cannot blame others for how we feel. That’s your issue. You deal with them in a constructive way. Form a wider network of friends, and of people you know. Read any of Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s books on this matter. Then take a breath.
In the meantime, don’t blame your family and just send them light.
From Alphanista w/love,
MR