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White Men Are Not The Only Option

By Guest Blogger T. Lynn

I used to think I was different than everyone else, a true individual with very unique experiences.

Apparently, I’m just a statistic.

According to a Yale University study among women with advanced degrees, Black women are twice as likely never to have been married by age 45 than White women.  Tell me something I don’t know.  Most of my friends are single, educated sisters who can’t get a date…a date with anyone we like, anyway.  On the other hand, well damn!  My singlehood has been documented and confirmed by sociologists, which makes it some kind of fact.  Grrrr!

But wait, there’s more!  More than any other group studied, Black women are we’re less likely than even our men to have college-grad spouses.  Think about that for a minute, and realize that it’s because Black men are more likely to marry White women, while Black women would rather find a Brotha with a GED than cross over into “something new” territory.  Yes, that information is in the study too.  Someone get me a drink.

I have nothing against a high-school graduate; neither of my parents went to college.   And, degree or not, my Dad is one of the smartest men I know.  If I could find someone like him I’d be shopping for rings as we speak, ready to propose.  But the non-diploma’d men I’ve dated are intimidated by my friends from college and business school.  It’s not like we walk around saying, “Let us gather and wax sentimental about the alma mater.  Boola Boola!” or start sentences with “When I got my MBA…” But occasionally I’ll want my guy to come to the Yale-Harvard game and get drunk at the parking lot tailgate.  And when he’s standing in the chug line-up next to me, I want him to feel comfortable with the guys tapping the keg.  Is that too much to ask?

Similarly, I don’t really want to marry a White man.  Hey, I have plenty of White friends.  But some things about them remain strange to me.  Like, where are the washcloths?  Don’t y’all use them when you take a shower?  When I’m staying at your house, I expect you to give me a towel and washcloth, not a towel and a bar of soap, know what I mean?  My Black husband would get it, and we’d pack some extra terrycloth when we visit.  Then there’s the hair thing.  The mother of a Caucasian friend actually put her hand in my Afro before introductions!  Imagine if that came from my man’s mother? Imma have to say it’s a bad idea to bitch-slap potential family members, even if they do dumb stuff.

Perhaps there’s hope with one of the nice Pakistani cab drivers that always tell me I’m beautiful.  Some of them are doctors in their country.  And we’d have nice brown babies.  It’s something to consider.  What do you think?

Guest Blogger T. Lynn runs her own blog about a variety of topics at http://mypolaropposite.wordpress.com.

25 COMMENTS

  • Kryzel

    This is definitely a great and a true piece of article.Many thanks for sharing this content with us.Keep it up!!

  • Convo_girl

    @Zabeth – You’re right. It’s not just good judge of character. I have socialized with white people for years since elementary. I also am also a fun, culturally open person. I’m not fixated on what I’m used to. If I was in Timbuktu, I’m going to go with the flow. That helps.

    @MaryAnne – re: color versus judge of character.

    I have dated BM all my life and can say there are VERY noticeable differences in dating styles. Doesn’t mean wm are perfect. I just like white men’s approach to dating, and feel very comfortable with them. Most of my post-college friends are are coupled with white men. When I ask if the items on my list are normal, they say “yes.”

    IMHO, the issue is that too many BM identify with street culture and are influenced by hip-hop and R&B. I say this bc my male cousins of the pre-rap culture have a different attitude and my parents’ generation, as well. Even if white men are familiar with R&B, hip hop, most college educated ones don’t live according to that culture. If I met a white thug, I would not be interested. I go for white men who are college educated, down to earth, have traveled overseas and share the same tastes in intl foods as me. Obviously, that doesn’t get into deeper issues, but you get where I’m coming from.

  • Zabeth

    With regard to Convogirl’s comments, I don’t think it’s just about being a good judge of character and surrounding yourself with quality men- though that is definitely a factor! It may be a culture and what you grow up seeing issue as well. The issues Convogirl brought up are the same issues that many other BW -across the spectrum- have echoed based on their relationship experiences. This is something that many BW are seeing and experiencing and are not just isolated occurances. Therefore, I don’t see this as just an issue of needing better discernment.

    P.S.
    About hair, of the WM I’ve had relationships with they’ve all embraced my hair, have been interested in it, and liked touching it. I’m a natural too and I haven’t ever once had to “explain” my hair to them. While I remember a black boyfriend asking me when I was going to relax my hair again.

  • Zabeth

    Many ethnic men (i.e. Hispanic, Indian, Asian, etc.) sometimes have more hang-ups about dating interracially then white or European men: http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/sample-chapter-swirling-culture-is-it-just-easier-to-be-with-a-white-dude/

    Furthermore, black women have been known to have children of all different hues REGARDLESS of the race of the father. I know black women who married white men and their children were chocolately. Other black women who had black husbands had children that looked white. Genetics are funny, you never know what you’ll get. So to me the question is what’s more important: having children period (that will have your genetic code regardless) or having children that are brown?

  • Maryann

    @EbonyLolita makes me wish I had responded to this one! LOL

    @Convogirl nice list, but do you really think it’s a color issue, or just you being a good judge of character?

  • EbonyLolita

    I saw my comment from 2009. Proud to say I feel EXACTLY the same. *BigLaugh*

  • Convo_girl

    If you don’t want to date white men, that’s fine. It’s your choice. The issue I have is that your rationale promotes PURE IGNORANCE and fear of the unknown.

    The author mentioned wash cloths? someone touching her hair? You can not be serious. First of all, white people DO use washcloths. And if the man you date happens not to use them, then bring your own!!!. But I bet that if you’re dating someone who really cares about you the wash clothes that are so near and dear to you might magically appear when/if you spend the night or visit his family.

    On the topic of hair, the first girlfriend I knew who was dating a white guy talked about how she introduced him to her hair scarf. And guess what? He embraced it and decided to wear one himself in solidarity. They’re are now happily married with two kids.

    I date interracially and the joys outweigh ANY cultural difference with me or fears of the unknown. In fact, come to think of it…there are few real cultural discomforts. If anything there are some major differences between white men and black men I’ve dated. Oh shall I name them? Don’t mind if I do.

    1) They like making dating plans.In all my years of dating, I seemed to make most of the dating plans. Now? The men I’ve dated entertain me and usually have two or three fun things they think I’d like to do. They also share their hobbies with you, which I like a lot.

    2) They will usually pay. Seems like white men are taught that it’s their responsibility to pay. Mind you, they will allow you to pay for a meal here and there but they don’t get an attitude (unless they feel they’re being taken for granted) and I have NEVER heard them utter the word “golddigger.” When I man pays, it feels sort of special.

    3) Affectionate. If you like holding hands, kissing and foreplay then you’ll appreciate “something different.” In fact all this affection makes the sex AMAZING.

    4) White men have no idea “what Black women need to do.” You just don’t have these negative and destructive conversations about what’s wrong with other black women or their frustration in this area. One time I jokingly asked. The guy said, “i don’t know.”

    5) Something new. Honestly, I have found white men to be more laid back. I have natural hair, which was new for both of the guys I dated. The first guy loved rubbing my short hair in private and in public. The current one touches my hair and asked how I get my hair to do what it does, but it’s not diff than what most Black people ask me. These just are not issues…not at all.

    6) Traditional roles. I haven’t dated anyone who was stuck on a woman “must cook” mentality. In fact, the guys I dated loved cooking. It wasn’t just for show. It wasn’t a favor where I owed them anything. They genuinely enjoyed being in the kitchen.

    Again, I respect Black women’s decision to date who they want. Maybe I got luck in meeting guys who are chill and laid back.

    But if you don’t desire to date white men, then please do not make it about wash clothes and hair touching. Those are non-issues.

    And before you go into other cultures…Pakistani…African…whatever….do your homework….because someone saying you’re cute means nothing..

    Peace.

  • d-pain

    Not to get to offensive or anything like that but I have been with plenty white women and white men. I lived with two white woman and I can tell you that they do not utilize washcloths. I found this out the hard way. You do not want to know. One of them had all these funny squishy washing things that dont wipe like a washcloth like those sponges with the spikes on the side. I do not remember seeing any washcloths. They liked soap and hands and little squishy things. Now these were young 20 something females maybe they learn when they get older. This is what I witnessed. As far as the topic goes I like anything with color–Asian, Mexican, Spanglish, Caribish, whatever. I just like color and pigment. There are some white men like that too. White women is cool and all that but they getting out of style trying to be like black women too much. Thats why now I stick to the original.

  • mystic

    @areyouserious Is that all you got from the post?! The writer is expressing the inner thoughts of some black women, and the overall arch is some BW are looking at other options, white is not right for everybody. Contrary to popular belief…

  • Are you Serious

    I cannot believe the ignorance in this piece, it’s just as stereotypical for someone to say white men don’t use towels as it is for someone to say that all black people love watermelon (I am a Black Female) and think the author obviously needs some exposure, because the last time I checked Ralph Lauren made hand towels with his initials ALL over them, and if someone grabbed your afro, that was them displaying their ignorance, why not fight ignorance with education. I can’t believe this site published such an ignorant article

  • Frantzzz

    Black women are too damn picky when it comes to black guys. They judge black guys like shit, so therefore black guys wave them goodbye. It’s that simple.

  • adamant

    All these single black women, all these missed opportunities to explore lesbianism!

  • daphne

    Apologies – my last paragraph should have read:

    As for me, I’m not blind: “white” men make up the majority of men in the United States, and that’s a lot men to be ruling out, if one is serious about marriage. I’m not ruling out any other ethnicity, either, but statistically speaking, Asian men aren’t exactly in abundance – they’re concentrated in certain pockets of the US, primarily in the West and Northwest. I’ve no doubt there are good black men, and a fair share of them. That said, I’ve no intention of scrapping with other women for the minority that are good black men, not when there are men of varying ethnicity or race who are available. But hey, if one is content being single, I suppose it doesn’t matter.

  • daphne

    Word to Aisha. Women have a right to date and marry who they choose; however, no one discusses potential cultural conflicts with dating non-American men. That includes non-American black men. Hell, certain cultures within the US and/or North America may conflict with my values, so why would I go to another country, actively seeking someone? If it naturally happens, that’s one thing. But assuming someone who is brown like me is automatically more compatible than someone who isn’t makes no sense to me.

    To be clear-eyed: I enjoy freedoms and privileges as an American woman that many (most?) women of the world do not. To be blunt: I’m not giving that up, for myself or my children, just have some brown(er) babies. That’s my choice – not telling any other woman what to do.

    As for me, I’m not blind: “white” men make up the majority of men in the United States, and that’s a lot men to be ruling out, if one is serious about marriage. I’m not ruling out any other ethnicity, either, but statistically speaking, Asian men aren’t exactly in abundance – they’re concentrated in certain pockets of the US, primarily in the West and Northwest. I’ve no doubt there are good black men, and a fair share of them. But hey, if one is content being single, I suppose it doesn’t matter.

  • missing_pieces

    Excuse me? But this post has got me confused. Why is dating outside of your race/culture still a huge deal to us? And it always comes down to the same situation, 45% of black women are single blah, blah, blah- they should start having interracial relationships yada, yada, yada. I personally feel like all the above the blogger posted is a self fulfilling prophecy. I think part of the issue is to not limit yourself and romantic options by being open to true commitment/love whatever form it comes in . That is the whole premise of the movie “Something New,” not the fact that Kenya (Sanaa Lathan) ends up with a white man.

    I’m sorry but I’m just sick and tired of some black women whining about this same issue over and over again. No, a white man is not the only option but neither is any black man as a matter of fact if he isn’t right for you (also the point of “Something New). Men are men, no matter what color they are. I agree with THC, get out and lead a fabulous life by traveling the world- why limit yourself to one continent? It’s your love life!

    I say this with love: If you don’t want a husband/family then wait all you want for the “Ideal Black Man,” but something tells me that lack of good/educated black men isn’t the real issue here because there is no damned shortage, we’ve just bought into the hype. There are great men of every color (esp. black men) waiting/ wanting a fabulous black woman. It’s your choice to believe it or not.

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  • T. Lynn Lloyd

    Oronde, I’m really glad to hear it! I don’t really think that all the “good” Black men are with White women, just that statistically interracial relationships have been between Black men and White women – sistas are lagging behind on that trend: in the study I referenced, 24% of Black men had interracial marriages vs 4% of the Black women.

    Sistas probably carry a lot of slavery baggage with us, remembering that female slaves were raped by the men who owned them, and we don’t want to feed into it somehow. I know that’s how I feel about it; my grandmother was Massa’s daughter so that slavery legacy is very close to home for my family. The “type” of Black man I want is one who is loving and committed, is emotionally available, and is secure enough in himself not to get all weird around the people I associate with.

    Honestly, to some of the brothas I see with White women, I say she can have you – LOL!

  • oronde

    i resent the comment that \”black men would rather marry white women.\” i\’m a black man, and 99% of my friends are black men and NONE of us are married to white women. and before you ask:
    i have a great corporate job
    making great money,
    i went to a prominent hbcu,
    i\’m not gay,
    i\’m not a criminal,
    AND i\’m good looking.
    yes, i do realize that there are black men that dig white women, and i guess a lot of them are the \”type\” a woman like you is looking for, but then again, there are lots of us that do actually prefer sisters and put them at the top of the food chain. i\’ve never so much as dated a white women, the closest i\’ve come is latino women, which any born and bred new yorker will tell you, isn\’t even really considered an interracial relationship.

  • The Hooker Chronicles

    I always tell my sistas that if you want to find a good black man then venture out.

    Black men are all over the world. From London to Paris!

    We have to learn to step away from the comforts of our neighborhoods and travel more.

    I guarantee you will find some of the greatest black men outside of the US!

    Travel to Brighton UK, the black men there are FABULOUS! I’m thinking of moving there in 5 years!

  • Aisha

    As the product of a marriage from a black woman and a Pakistani man (still married after 25 years) I say go for it, but if you think its going to be easier then dating a white man then you’re mistaken. White culture whilst it is different from ours is still very mainstream, accessible and vanilla when compared to dating people who are from other countries especially those with long roots, rich cultures, and different religions. This could even apply to dating a black African man.Maybe exploring the realm of Asian-American men might be a good look as suggested by an earlier response as Asian men are the male equivalent of black women in the dating world.

  • EbonyLolita

    Girl I feel you that’s all. I feel you. Why do I have to “settle” by doing the “Something New” when in my heart I want lil brown babies that reflect me and my heritage instead of looking like my children’s nanny. Before ppl brand me a racist I have two good friends who have been mistaken for nannies of their children b/c they are beautiful chocolate and their children look like Michael Jackson’s kids. If that’s the life that you have chosen for yourself I’m happy for you. But, that’s not what I want for my own life. I’m open to dating “the other brown meat” but they show no interest in sistas. Unfortunately Black Women are statistically at the bottom of the totem pole. Now, I’m not going to accept that position, but the reality of it all is I probably won’t find someone of my stature in NYC so I’ll eventually have to venture out in more ways then one. I won’t give up though. There’s a Brown man out there that will LOVE/HONOR/RESPECT/MARRY me.
    P.S. Wash clothes comment had me DEAD :O

    Love, EbonyLolita 😉

  • LA

    OMG I almost spit out my Kool-Aid on the “wash cloth” comment! I feel you though, there seems to be a lot more to “get over” with ddating outside the race (particularly with white men). Doesn’t mean I’m not open to it. Just haven’t found the right guy yet. But that’s the story of my life! HA!

  • tender

    I hate when people throw that “Black men would rather date/marry White women” sh!t in our faces. I know, it’s true, but why do they feel the need to keep repeating this sh!t?
    And why is when someone tells Black women to try something new, they think White. They know DAMN well there’s more than Black & White in America . Me personally, I’m thinking fine ass Latino men-lol Damn the White man! I BARELY like their asses! Unt-uh, They can keep them pink worms to their damn selves.

  • Jeff

    Find yourself an Asian guy – their women are in demand from all the other races…

  • cornelia

    Everyone likes a good bitch session, but ultimately, if you’re both unhappy with your situation and inflexible, you’re probably going to stay stuck.

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