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What To Do About Clingy, Female Admirers

womenfriendsBy Guest Blogger, Amoye

As an alpha with an advanced sense of self, you’ll find yourself in situations where certain people will see your self-love, and worship you.

They will fall in love with you. Yes, they will really love you. No. They are not your family, and they are not your childhood friends. These are people who for some reason cannot get enough of you. Admirers. They come in the form of persistent men, adolescents looking for an idol or annoying, aggravating, clingy coworkers.

At one time I went through an experience with an extremely clingy coworker. As soon as I started the position at my job, she immediately gravitated towards me. It could have been the type of energy I project or her personal trauma, or a combination of both. She just would not leave me alone.

As soon as I got in if she didn’t phone to say “Hey Girl”, there would be an email sitting in my inbox, complimenting my outfit or asking how my evening went or how my day is going. After a delayed or non-existent response, she’d get frustrated and either approach me with a frown or do something to get my attention. By lunchtime, she’d show up at my desk with her lunch or money in her hand ready to go for lunch; without asking whether or not I wanted to give her company. At the end of the day she would wait around for me and attempt to make small talk. Lucky for me I was good at coming up with excuses when it came time for going home.

She added me on Facebook. I ignored her friends request twice. I eventually closed down my facebook for a few weeks to see if she would just forget about me. But she didn’t. I followed my daily routine, came to work, kept it professional, no compliments, no chitchats, just straight to my reports. But she didn’t catch a hint.

It got to the point where when I ignored or brushed her off; she would search through my garbage or check my emails. She was making every attempt to get my attention. All I could do was smile and be friendly with her. I tried not to treat her like a deranged psycho, but it was hard. Every time I looked at her I felt pity. So I sympathized and listened to her excessive stories about her life. I thought okay, maybe if you know what she’s doing/thinking she won’t attack you, and on the other end, it’s never good to burn bridges, especially within my line of work. But that plan backfired.

She started to tell everyone in the office that we were best friends and that she loved me. I lost it, snapped on her one day and told her to please stay away from me. After this she went on and tried to sabotage my job. She told my manager that I wasn’t doing work-related tasks and that she would be a better candidate for my job. Ha! I realized that if I wanted to keep my job, and my good reputation, I had to be intelligent about the situation and regain her friendship.

I thought, well “You can’t please everyone. You can’t make everyone happy. But you sure as hell can fool them into thinking you give a damn about them.” So, I took it upon myself to take her to the side, pour my heart out to her and make up a fake story about my life. We “bonded” again, and instead of her being obsessed with my seemingly “perfectness” she saw me as just as flawed and messed up as her, so she sort of backed up off me.

To this day she’s still pretty annoying, but it’s bearable. Lesson I learned; When you appear too perfect, or too in control, you get unnecessary attention from weak women too insecure to build upon themselves. Think as an alpha around these types of people, but don’t show it as openly.

Guest Blogger Amoye is a writer and thinker from Toronto Canada. She doesn’t care too much for fancy titles, but is also a recent university graduate, artist and entrepreneur.

15 COMMENTS

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  • Sarystal

    Wow! I’ve definitely been here before and learned a hard lesson! Since then i am leery of making (close) friendships at work. I used to be damn near BFFs with a chick at work and when i delayed an announcement of me returning from my leave of absence (i told other friends but did NOT want her to be the 1st to know…she has a big mouth and our friendship was already a little “shaky”)…she flipped, as if i did something horrible to her. That was over 5 years ago…i left that job but circumstances brought me back to it. Long story short…i still see this bish everyday (she sits right across the walkway from me)…that last incident was the final blow-up with her.

    Another example, not mine, but a close friend of mine was having an extramarrital affair (i know, wrong…but she was already considering leaving him anway). Anywho, her friend that she made at work (they’d hung out, traveled, partied, lived togethere at one point) got so upset with her over some bs that she looked up the work # for my friend’s husband and called him to tell him about his wife’s affair…gave him details and everything. Now…this was a chick who was clingy, had man issues & other issues, and this is what she ends up doing…plus she tried to sabotage her rep at work. All that did was backfire…and my friend is in the middle of a divorce, and happy to be rid of her crazy ass.

  • Maryann

    People like this I learned need to be left alone to take care of themselves, they are lacking the normal coping skills of life. I know tons of people and if I let each and every person into my world, boy…things would be hectic. I have a very small circle and it works for me. Vampires (energy sucking people) only leave me stressed and tired. And I would be doing a disservice to them by keeping them around, not to mention myself. But if you are attracting needy people, there could be something needy about you. A good set of boundaries EARLY puts an end to all this.

    I also don’t know how some women handle 18 girlfriends, and 7 best friends, and all of that. I would be crazed. I absorb energy too easily and that sounds tiresome for me. But that bulk of people and all that mass of information exchange can be a whammie with no structure or boundaries.

    What I like is that the people I know now, know how to approach me. They know what not to come at me with (borrowing money, asking me for too much time, asking what they can get, and not how they can help, etc). All of these things are earned benefits. They take a long long time.

    Set boundaries and watch Discovery ID.

  • lis

    More confirmation!! Dealing with this situation personally is not easy and I applaud the author’s ability to stay calm under such circumstances. Having recently broken up with a chick, yes… BROKEN UP, I can say that I was not so peaceable when it came to the outright disrespect and insecurity this chick showed. From clowning then trying to siphon my side hustle into her own, slick comments, to trying sabotage my relationship, I KNEW it was time to go when I hated this chick’s whole style right down to her toenail polish. Which was eerily similar to my own. I’m all for challenging one another and inspiring one another, but dang Shawty,, be original! I prayed about it, talked to my mama, asked strangers, but finally had to make the decision to end the friendship. I still chose to discuss it with her but was told that that’s who she is and that I should accept it. What in the Maya Angelou hell???

    Uh.. no.

    “If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    So yeah.

  • LowKeyAlpha

    Wow- I had the same experience before. Glad I’m not alone. In addition to cube stalking, a few times she even hinted around that we should by some outfits alike. I chalked it off as she had a family at a young age and consequently didn’t get out much. Finally, I came up with a story that my manager reprimanded me for talking with her too much. Since I was a consultant and she was a permanent employee I played on the fact that I could lose my position and it worked. Whew..

  • Athena Nike

    That’s ugly, especially after you snapped on her for lying and being all in your God given personal space. Don’t think I would’ve been as diplomatic and nice, sabotage or not and it is a recession. I’d be me and her, I would’ve caught her slippin somewhere and set the record straight once and for all.

  • Maryann

    Amoye, you did the right thing in this situation.

    @missing_pieces all I can say is WOW

  • missing_pieces

    Oh, I forgot- she was always trying to hold my hand when we went out in public- it made me really uncomfortable. haha!

  • missing_pieces

    OMG! Yo, this post is the truth! Thank you, Amoye.

    I have had to literally break up, BREAK UP with a female friend because she was so neurotic, clingy and soooooo fuggin needy!

    This girl wore me out (not in the sexual context, lol) , we went to the same university and met through a peer group. I admit I was going through some things at the time and didn’t really pick up on the CRAZY because I was trying to make a new friend. However, as much fun as we’ve had she had a tendency to be over dramatic and drama-queenish about EVERYTHING! It was really getting on my nerves when she had a nervous breakdown about her date being 8 minutes late- only to meet her that following Monday for lunch where she flipped the scenario and acted like she had the perfect date/time of her life with old dude.
    I was like WTF? Cuz she called me screaming/crying in the middle of a bookstore talking about what an A-Hole dude was for standing her up. HE WAS 8 MINUTES LATE! Then she’d be whining on the phone talking about how horny she is and she don’t have no man. Huh, what?

    Even if I had called to cancel a lunch date with her, she took it as a affront like I was standing her up for a romantic dinner or something. It was that serious!

    I have so many examples of how self absorbed/narcissistic and over the top she was about all the things in her life and how she would constantly ask me inane questions that only focused on her:

    “Do you think I can lose 40 lbs. in 5 months?”
    “How does my hair look?”
    “Do you think so and so guy is into me?”
    “Do you think I look better than Beyonce?” (Yes, the bish went there).
    Now, once in a blue moon is ok with a girl friend to ask you those silly questions, but every other minute? No! I realized she had really low self-esteem issues and I needed to slowly but surely cut her off before she literally sucked the life out of me. Plus, I was getting pissed off @ the whole situation- it was no longer a 50/50 friendship.

    I have great gf’s and all that but I’ve got to take care of myself before I can be there for anyone else.

    I am all for female friendships and sisterhood but enabling someone’s neurosis/insecurities is not what friendship is about.

    I guess I am becoming more like an Alphanista because I see that I am my own best friend. I realize that I attract needy people not because I am so perfect but because I am a very caring, loyal and nurturing person- but everyone has there limits.

  • tender

    I’ve been going through this since 1st grade. Literally. I would always wonder why girls wanted to be my friend. I thought it was normal until middle school. The girls were even MORE clingy. Even the ones who were hated for being perfect were wanting to be friends with MY ass & I was your average Rainbow shopping chick rocking jewelry from the Chinese Shop. I didn’t get it.

  • Uju4eva

    Wow. I like this blog post. I wouldn’t say that Im an Alpha female, but I have had some females on me. It was kind of strange. Its scary because these females actually mini-stalk you, one of these females admitted it to me.

  • Jo

    This is too timely! Currently, this is what’s going on with me. Why do they try to sabotage your job though? That psycho is telling ppl all types of crap & I don’t know whether to fight or let it go. She’s a trouble maker and I didn’t want her friendship.

  • genie

    Extra friendly females are usually bicurious or closeted lesbians.

  • LavishChic

    I recently asked my FB fam about how to deal with a female like this, and the best response was to just cut off conversation immediately, and keep it short and sweet. Luckily I don’t have to work with her, so my situation is a lot easier.

  • The Hooker Chronicles

    This woman sounds more like a stalker than an Admirer.

    But I can sort of relate because I was once fascinated with a friend who I thought was perfect. Luckily for me, she liked the attention.

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