Weekend Rewind: ADVICE: My Man Doesn’t Call Me!

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Waiting By The Phone: This Has Got To Stop!

In honor of Valentine’s Day!  Enjoy this classic…

___________________________

I’m a 28 year old woman.

I make great money, have my own home and no children. I have an awesome boyfriend who is by all standards my equal. He’s 34, stable employment, a homeowner and childless. We’ve been together for a year and a half. We have a very fun relationship.

We go to every concert, every hot restaurant, last minute trips etc. My problem is that he rarely calls and when I say rarely I mean rarely. For example if I call him on Saturday to make plans on Thursday he’ll call me Thursday to make sure we’re still on. If I don’t call him I won’t talk to him. Also I only see him once a week. We work very different schedules (he works days and I work nights), but I would love if he made the effort to see me. You see I’ve always been independent. I don’t want a man to buy me what I can get for myself.

I don’t need a man under me 24/7. The small things in life are what make me happy. Like holding my hand or kissing me on the forehead. I know you’re thinking “well he’s cheating”. But I can say with certainty that he is not. I’ve dealt with enough men to see through even the slickest dog. I have unlimited access to his home and use it at my discretion. I know he’s not a phone person, but a 60 second phone call every now and then to let me know you’re thinking about me kinda brightens my day. I don’t want him to call me more or see me more because I asked him too, but because he wants to.

I’ve never encountered a problem like this with a man, so am I making too much out of nothing?

Signed,

Confused

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Confused:

It is something!

After a year and a half.

I can see maybe the first few weeks, even month. Or even for a casual-come and go-type thing. You call him your “boyfriend”. That means you think there is a relationship. Let’s start from the top: YOU. Because that is who is most important. You trained him to behave this way. I don’t see anything in the letter that says the calls “stopped” or he “used to” call. It seems as if this was the way it always was. Because of that, you need to revert back to the beginning of the relationship and pinpoint where you let this happen.

The man is only behaving according to what you accept. You accept this behavior. If somewhere down the line you had raised this concern for lack of communication and interest, he would either call you more or not. Being the “independent” woman you went right ahead and lied to yourself, like most do. Even in this letter it sounds like you don’t want him to call because “I dont want a man..” yada yada. You let this slide because of that.

You need to tell him it’s a year and half, CALL ME SOME F*ING TIME. Tell him you are ready for more without blaming him. Tell him you are ready for an intimate, close connection. If you can’t do that by now, or feel nervous, maybe there isn’t much of a relationship. I know several women who would’ve addressed this a long time ago, many are in happier relationships now. Go figure.

If he doesn’t get it or respond positively, you may want to consider “options”.   If you stay, please stop complaining and just deal. Don’t make the man’s life miserable because of your own decisions. Staying is a decision, accepting this is a decision, and leaving is one, too. Choose and live.

And never, ever, say you know anyone.There are married couples of 20 plus years still being surprised with the drama. It is very easy for a man to have two homes, two lives. Much easier with a woman like you, who is “independent” and never asks for more. Reflect and find out what is it about yourself that accepted this and why you want more now.You are  treating yourself like your second place, in turn, he’s reflecting that in his behavior.

Alphanista w/love,
MR

17 comments

  1. shonuffcute says:

    My ex-man tried this, but instead of not calling me, which he would often, he stopped returning my calls and conveniently at night over the past month. I spoke on it earlier in the month when it started going on and the final straw was when he did it the final evening during a snow storm. Needless to say I am “On to the next one.” No need to rationalize it or make excuses and no need to sit and wait for it to hit me in the face. Regardless of whatever was going on, he did not respect me or the relationship enough to return my calls and when he did it was an all out argument, so I put a period on the end of it and move on.

  2. hi says:

    Honeslty, i have similar problem just that my relationship is fairly new.
    Also, we both work and go to school full time with different schedual.

    Well, I have to say that you should let him know how you feel and tell him
    how much happier you are if he call to say hi once in while.

    When you don’t say anything, then he doesn’t know.

    First, you need to speak your part, then wait and see how he react to that it.
    It doesn’t mean that you are weak or needy to let him know ur feeling, but
    in way tell him that you want more in the relationship. Good luck.

  3. this man IS doing something else with his time and there IS a reason you dont hear from him. more than likely he is giving the bulk of his time and attention to his “wifey/#1”

  4. Sue T says:

    the only post not playing games or that’s direct, at this other site was this one;

    She should have made it clear early on in the relationship what is expected of him. A man will do what he is allowed to get away with and she made this behavior exceptable. She just needs to tell him to start calling her more often because men are not mind readers, you just gotta be straight forward with them

  5. Maryann says:

    @BallerAlert those girls always tell it like it is! LOL love the texting comment…ha! Typing may be asking too much from this man….

  6. Sue T. says:

    Good morning 🙂 … I took the liberty of cutting and pasting some of the things you’ve mentioned in your original post below here. The reason is you’ve actually said what you want in your own post. Seems like a no brainer because you’ve said it already… You say he’s awesome, which may be true.

    However, it seems like, and this is speculation on my part, that you are basing what you need as a person on the material things you have together. Like going out, taking trips, etc. Which are all nice things. It’s a form of attention however it’s not what you need. It sounds like even though you are spending time together, it’s leaving you feeling kind of empty inside.

    If you say below here that you don’t want him to call you more because you’ve asked… it’s an old learned way of thinking. We assume that if we ask and “THEN” someone does it, that they’re “only” doing it because we said so. Instead of them doing it because they now realize that it’s something that is important to you and do it “because they care about us”. Totally different thought processes. You see?

    The two of you have an established way of relating to one another. At some point you accepted this because you have these other things that you’re getting out of the relationship. When you’re together, you’re probably on cloud nine… it sooths all the empty emotional space during the week or inbetween seeing one another.

    However it’s not what you need as a person. If you would like to be with someone who gives you the attention you deserve, like holding hands or calling you up just to say hi… you may want to nicely say to him one day… “Honey, I miss you during the week and I’d like to talk to you inbetween the times we see one another”. OR You could call him up now and then, don’t know if you do… just to say hello… If you do this later suggestion, you’ll have to do it without expectation that he’s going to understand you would like him to do it back. Because you haven’t told him or asked. Otherwise you may find yourself being upset with him for not reciprocating, which would be unfair….(message truncated)

  7. Gladys says:

    I know they say men are not the best at communicating but please. Something is seriously wrong here. MR is right she has taught this man how to treat her. LOL we humans are a crazy bunch of people.

    @Brian, good point. Let him know that he needs to communicate with you through the week. I mean seriously, he doesn’t even call to say hi, or did you make it home form work ok? She needs to put that in check. If she decides to stay.

    I like this post, it all goes to show, we show people how to treat us.

  8. If his lack of calling is her Major concern then she really doesn’t have any. I only expect my man to call for safety and necessity reasons, example, making sure I get home safely at night, and the family unit is stable. Other than that, it’s not important that we sit on the phone all day like a bunch of star love struck teenagers. Besides, if she See’s him on a regular basis, and is happy, then he’s fulfilling his end of the relationship.

    I think where we go wrong in relationships is that we avoid verbal contact, letting things go unsaid. If it were important that my man called everyday, I would tell him that.

    Arrange it so that he has to call everyday, like making sure you got home OK, or giving him a daily pep-talk and motivation. We have to make it so that our men want to do these things willingly, and not feeling obligated cause we whine about it.

  9. James says:

    I was just thking the same thing. Sounds like her “man” has it good! You got any sisters, lol.

  10. Brian says:

    I feel like this might be a “He Said/She Said” one day – I hope not (but secretly hope so so that we can get the answer!) 🙂

    He’s probably not cheating – but MR is right – she taught this guy that calling to confirm at the last minute is cool.

    Do this: next time he pulls that last minute call – have some other plans and let him know that he needs to call earlier in the week to check up and see if you have other stuff going on. From the sound of it – if you were in the hospital from Sunday to Wednesday – he woulnd’t even know.

    Plus I’m curious – what kind of job pays a 28 y/o great money at night?

  11. Jamie says:

    So sad. It is so clear that something is OFF. My question is why isn’t HE wondering about what SHE is doing. Isn’t he not curious what his woman is up to? I agree she needs to stop waiting for the man to read her mind and speak hers.

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