Just say it, already
Last month, I was talking to someone who did that.
She was in a see-saw relationship with someone that she called “complicated”. I don’t like that word. If it’s complicated, it just ain’t–period. It’s really nothing but some drama to keep you occupied.
There’s no need to call anything “complicated”. It just is. Love is messy, untidy, vulnerable, loud, quiet. That is part of the growing intimacy. If you are with a man or woman that you can’t share you who really are with (the good and bad) and you must present yourself in a ‘together’ kind of way at all times, your relationship hasn’t even started.
During this week’s Let Go teleclass, we talked about speaking up. Not in a way that’s demanding and defensive, but in a way that shifts and moves things around in your life. I started talking about this woman I met who was so upset that her live in boyfriend was not paying half of the rent anymore. He was laid off. She told me it’s been a year and she was thinking of breaking up with him.
I asked her if she told him how she felt. She said, no. She didn’t want to argue. When she faced that, they talked through a mediator, and got everything ironed out. He was thinking she was “okay”. Now, they’re working together and he’s been more motivated to find work. She didn’t want to break up after all.
Someone else told me there was someone she was flirting with at work. She was manipulating the situation because she kept it going in hopes that one day he’ll wake up and see that he really wants her. He was flirting back, too. Finally, she told him that she isn’t interested in playing games, but she is ready for a real relationship with someone you cares about her. They were just talking casually by the copy machine one day. She didn’t ask him out on a date or demand that he act differently. She never really told any man that she wanted to settle down. Two weeks later, he asked her out on their first real date.
Many times, we’re afraid to tell others that we need help, that we want a relationship, want love, want to be married. We wants folks to see us having it all so they’d want some. Love don’t work that way.
Surprisingly, several men have told me there’s nothing better than knowing what he’s working with it (or not working with). Saves time, money, and confusion.
This isn’t about pursuing anyone, but it’s about being clear about your intentions. I used to tell everyone I dated I wanted to be married. I wasn’t ashamed of it or embarrassed. Who was I serving if I acted ashamed? Certainly, not myself. I just made it known not so much by talking about it all the time, but being about it. It changed my circumstances dramatically. It also bought in a whole new level of men. Upgrade, anyone?
An alpha is going to speak her peace. Try it this week. Find at least one thing you’ve been holding back from someone, and tell them. Get used to that feeling. Let go of being right, wrong or defensive about things. Be ready for change, acceptance or even hearing the word “no”.
Be detached. Focus on the freedom of just being. Have you already done this or thinking of doing? If not, then stop complaining.
Do you think a Man makes a Woman a Woman. And a Woman makes a Man a Man. Do we really need each other to grow???
I cannot tell you how many of my clients have their life on hold waiting for someone else to start it.
@Heather why did u Have To Go and mention race, this had nothing to do with it. lol
OMG This is so true dealing with this right now so tired of going in circles same problems different people because someone is too afraid to state their real feelings. Good to know that it\’s expected and definitely important to be detached. Too many black women are caught up in being right and not winning.