Let Your Man Go, So He Can Stay
December 15, 2008
UHM, IS THIS YOU?
[NOTE: THIS POST IS IN NO WAY CONDONING BAD TREATMENT. DO AS YOU SEE FIT IN YOUR RELATIONS. HOWEVER, THIS POST, AS ALL POSTS DO, ENCOURAGE YOU TO BE YOURSELF AND NEVER LET ANYONE CHANGE WHO YOU ARE AND GO OUT AND BUY STRIPPER SHOES JUST TO KEEP HIM. CARRY ON...]
Where do I begin with this one? I spent the weekend coming across one trifling conversation to another about how one woman is trying to hold her man by doing these things: buying a pole for the bedroom, starving herself, taking lap dances classes, and currently researching a job as a “web cam girl” to spice up her boyfriend’s fantasies.
This is all 1 woman. Then in another conversation, someone else was talking about all the whips, chains, and sex books she has brought herself to keep her man at home. Just last night, I read online a hideous post advising women to be that fantasy woman and learn from the strippers how to please him.
(Yawn) This is all fine if it’s something your man has asked of you. If he actually came to you and said, “Baby, things are kinda wack around here, come to the strip club with me” or “Damn, we need something new. How about a giant, black vibrating man-doll?”
Then you can ahead and proceed as you like. But I feel strongly about women interjecting on “man time” or “man space”. Though I may be leaning towards the strip club, this really applies to anything that is considered “me time” for a man. Maybe the truth is he doesn’t want to see you (again) doing that lap dance for him in the heels, but he rather be at the strip club checking those ladies out. He sees you all the time in many ways—happy, sad, funky, clean, fat, slim, bloated, etc. He sees the girl at the strip club looking shiny and slick all the time. It just makes sense why he rather go there. It has nothing to do with his affection for you, but everything to do with him just wanting to see the strippers. Yup, that simple.
He wants to go out and look at a strippers on the pole or another splendid estrogen filled adventure. Without judging him, crying, or being manipulative, the best thing is to let him go. Let him be free. As long as you both have some unwritten rules like be home before sunrise, make sure you wash your hands before you touch me, what really is the problem? The problem is YOU. You can drive your man away just with your mouth. You can drive him away with your petty little jealous notions. The way you to maintain anything in life, and even leverage, is to act like you don’t want something. Not being disrespectful and hiding his singles—you wanna make sure he has all the singles he needs so he’s not in front of the bodega at 4am in the middle of a drive-by trying to break a $20.
But while he’s gone, enjoy your free time, alone or with friends. No, you shouldn’t go to a strip club with your girls to compete with him. It’s not the same, and it is too obvious as most women react out of scorn to “get back” at their man. You’re not most women. While he’s gone, you may just want to sleep. If you live with a virile man, you know how hard it is to get a decent 8 hour sleep in a row without being poked or prodded some time in between. Finally when he gets in, it’s all fair game then. The fun is just beginning or it’s just ending.
This is also called trust. When you completely and wholly trust your man, and he trusts you, there is no deeper intimacy than that. That’s the glue that makes relationships stick. Complete trust represents freedom, joy, expansion. You both can come to each other with needs, requests, ideas and feel safe that it will be listened to, may not always be fulfilled, but listened to. A man will most likely stay with a woman who will allow him to be himself, and explore the world on his own accord. Now, I understand how scary this may be feel, and that’s normal. But if it’s too scary, you are already counting down the relationship’s demise.
Now, granted there are some men who don’t want their space from you or want to be somebody else, he may be what you need. But most alpha males, need to be let go. But since most men aren’t alphas, it can get very complicated with emotions, threats, and the need to compete with your partner. An alpha male knows how to handle these situations because he’s already laid it down at home. We know the rules. We know the loyalty is there, and so is the unbreakable bond.
It’s not fair to confine anybody from living because they are with YOU. You’re holding your lover, not a hostage in a relationship. Also, don’t demand that you want to go to the strip club with him. First of all, most men don’t know how to act when their wife or girlfriend is there with them and will interrogate you about your sexuality all night. Secondly, they may not want you there at all. It’s best to have an open conversation. If he’s tuned into you, he’ll see that it makes you uncomfortable, and may invite you on his own accord. That’s the way to go. He’s prepared and can feel good about sharing something different with you. Rather than you steamrolling him with your demands. It’s not sexy, it screams “love me, please.” A desperate cry for help. It’s always better when your man wants to spend more time with you, than you want to spend with him. He wants to spend 100%. You want to spend 95%. Works like a charm, rarely does when it’s the woman going 100 alone. She’ll eventually sabotage the relationship because insecurity will eat away at her. Remember, you want to take care of yourself first. You must always love yourself more than anyone else. To do this, you have to accept that you cannot control others and must do what you need to do to keep your own sanity. Nothing worse than seeing a woman forcing a man to change to make HER more comfortable. That is your job, hon.
Also, what is it with all these pole dancing classes? Can’t we just leave well enough alone? The strippers will always get paid, so you taking a pole dancing class is not going to shut down their way of living. In fact, the more men see regular women pole dance, the more they’ll want to go to the strip club. Law of Nonresistance. Granted, you can still do bedroom tricks and surprises to keep things fresh as long as you understand this is just another tactic to keep him, but it won’t make him stay. I rather a man who wants to stay, rather one that needs to be kept. You’ll be chasing after him forever.
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This is interesting. I noticed when I leave my man alone that is when he wants to spend the most time with me. We had our little issues but the more rope I give him the less he uses it. When I used to monitor his every move it seemed like he would do things on purpose and for attention always testing me and taking more rope. OFF TOPIC–Great poll question! LOL
LOL! This was hilarious. No, I did not think it was saying anything bad we should deal with at all. What I do think is that its easier said than done. Most men need regulation because they are like children. My mother never trated my father like this because he was always a man to us and the family. My father did what he did and still respected the homefront. He owned his keep. Maybe he was an alpha male…lol
This always been a problem trusting a man for me. As the post said, I need to focus more on me than what someone else is doing. It’s hard, especially these days. Will practice this when I get a new man..hahaha
Excellent advice! I’d be right there with my man at the strip club sharing a private dance.. Ohh..the fantasy of it all. I can’t wait for us to check chicks out together! One day…
Love this post! Men and women have to communicate…bottom line. I love it when my partner goes out sometimes I even fund their activities. People are so worried about cheating and losing control. If someone is going to cheat they will do it no matter what tricks you pull. The important thing to remember is you only have control of you and your actions.
@Mikki what do you mean by “fund” their activites? Just curious
Sometimes I give them money to go and have a good time. I see this as a way to say “You have my blessing but we aren’t trying to put strippers through college either”
Besides you brought up a good point about not having him caught in drive by at 4:00 A.M. trying to break a $20!
I agree completely.
Great post! If your man wants to go, let him! If he’s a good man, he knows where home is…just like us ladies know where home is. I’ve been to the strip clubs and after hours spots with my honey because once those ladies get him all hot and bothered, I know that I am getting my proverbial “back blown out” when I get home!
But don’t get me wrong…at one point it was hard to “let go” but I worked on becoming more comfortable with myself and letting him go-just because we are (almost) joined at the hip doesn’t mean I don’t have a life or that I don’t have a life. I thought I needed to be part of his every move, but that caused a couple of conflicts-now he invites me to some things-ball games, strips clubs, cigar bar…that makes me feel good about our relationship.
Let him go ladies-it works.
Great article – Ladies, let men be men. When we want you around, we will invite you. You don’t see us inviting ourselves to baby showers or bachelorette parties!
There is really nothing sexy about your girl/wife doing a strip dance for you – unless they are a stripper! The thing that makes a stripper sexy is knowing that you can’t have her. And that’s the point. Strippers belong in the strip club. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring your A game in the bedroom or learn some new tricks – that trick shouldn’t be the triple-lendy from a newly installed pole in the bedroom. Bring some tricks that are illegal for strippers to do
I always think it’s best to just let men be men. In the grand scheme of things who cares really?
@Cruz That’s what I always think….
The day my wife gives me 20, one dollar bills and says “go to the strip club but be home by 3AM” is the day I remember why I married her. Nothing better than a confident wife that says, “go out and play responsibly”. But they are too few and far between.
I must be the alpha to his alpha
. B/C I’ve never had an issue with him going out. I want him to go out. PLEASE spend time with your boys. PLEASE don’t smother me. Sometimes I just want to take a nap and sometimes I just want him to spend time doing what he wants.
What do we have to talk about if we’re always around each other ????
I totally agree with thie post but Is that the cross dresser from I want to work for Diddy in the picture?
@Jenine.
Yea, you’re right. I was trying to remember where I saw that picture. I sure damn hope that isn’t somebody’s man.
A great post and article. You made a lot of good points.
@bottomB, thanks, I knew you would agree
Yes, I would because you made a good point. You should only worry about things you can control. It won’t matter if you try to be with him all the time if a man wants to do something he is going to find a way do it and vice versa. This is really a great article. Also like someone said if you with each other all the time what do you have to talk about and you impose on each others personal space. More women need to do this in my view especially they are with a good guy.
I stay distant, I like to make my guy want me. I hate it when women are needy. I also don’t fret when he wants to do whatever, he’s gotta live just as I do.
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I agree hands down on this. A lot of women give up their friends or their personal time b/c they’re catering to their man. Men don’t do this. An Alpha would neva disown friends or put herself 2nd to her man. That’s plain idiotic. You can’t compete w/ a stripper or a pole unless you used to be in the profession (LOL
) Do you, improve you and be confident in you and he should always come back home b/c your reality will be betta then the fantasy.
P.S. My man might be mad bc my friends & I might beat him to the strip club. Ha!! It’s the new hang out spot anyway *shrug*
Love,
EbonyLolita