If You’re Single And Still Finding Yourself…Part II

There’s this insanity lately that you have to be perfected and mended up emotionally before you can meet someone.  If you’re a bad person, you’ll attract a bad person. Yada yada.  This is driving so many people to just well, be perfect, which is impossible or make them think something is wrong with them.  Well, nothing is wrong.  A brother-like friend of mine got married recently and he is a good, kind loving man.  His wife is well, you know, had issues.  Screwed up career wise (just got fired), and had just broken up with someone, heart battered and all that. She didn’t take the 1 year recovery time. She and my friend met and boom it happened.  They are married several months after meeting.  No big jury had to deliberate, no therapy books had to be ordered, no spiritual bath had to be rendered.  They are soulmates and the timing was perfect.  You know why?  Because they both believed it so.

She told me she didn’t do much of anything, but create a vaccum in her life by leaving a bad relationship and told everyone around her that she was ready to be married.  While everyone told her she needed more time, she didn’t lie about being “happy alone” or needing to “find myself again”.  She didn’t want to do that. She liked being in a relationship.  Did she go out five nights a week to get him?  No.  It happened while she was looking raggedy walking to her car one morning.

Stop listening to married folks about how you are so lucky being single.  They are lying, especially if you don’t feel lucky.  Stop doing these things now if you’re single don’t want to be:

Lying to people that you are happy being single—Ladies, please let this go.  It is so 1990s.  If I hear another Ms. Independent song….If you are really happy being single why do you need to validate it to everybody you meet?  It is okay to be like, “Yeah, I want to be with one person. I miss that.”  Nice and simple. You never know who’s listening and can help.  The problem is folks are too caught up in being seen as a victim or “desperate”.  How does that work for you when your “desperate” friends are all happily married and you’re still marching around with grey hairs (you know where) ‘tam bout you happy being single—again.  It’s tough, it’s unattractive, and it’s repulsive.  Men will not approach you because of this tension they’ll feel around you.  This type of attitude holds lots of tension because it is holding on to something else.  It’s more about being happy you don’t have to reveal yourself, have sex when you don’t want to, be seen naked because you hate your body, being accountable to a man, being judged by others, etc.  There’s nothing wrong with being a vulnerable woman.  There is strength in being honest and open about your need for a man’s deep love. There’s nothing like it. Real, grown women know what I mean.

Finding yourself –Can’t you do that in the garage?  Or during prayer time?  Why do some women need years to find themselves only to find themselves 45 and not married.  Now she’s ready!  Finding yourself is a life long journey.  You have Monks in Asia in solitude for the last 15 years still finding themselves.  This is another wall you built to stay by yourself.

Black men and “the shortage” –It’s a mind game.  Just because you can’t find one, doesn’t mean there is one.  There is no shortage.  If you think there is, then that’s exactly what you will find—short, Black men.

Having casual sex–This is part of the course sometimes.  If you want to get married, having casual sex with different men is just gonna block up all that good energy with crap.  You may have gone through a booty call phase or have a consistent one on call right now.  These should be limited as much as possible when you’re marriage date is less than a year away.  Mostly because you want to create a vacuum.  Forgive the pun, but if something is already being filled temporarily, it can’t be filled permanently.  Law of physics. 

Forcing yourself to go out—We’ve all been there. Thinking “damn, I should be doing something”.  Forcing yourself to go out is expensive and 9/10 times you wish you hadn’t by the time you get there.  The best way around this is have a schedule.  Choose to go out ahead of time. For instance once a week you go out socially, no matter what day or the 15th and 30th you go out (besides it being pay day) are days you choose to see what’s going on.  That way you feel more in control and avoid getting into a rut.

Talking, again, to the ex—We have to go there.  I caution heavily with this.  Even if you do get married to the nut. If the ex is over 25, believe me most people are not going to change that much.  Just love the man for who he is, faults and all.  If you can accept the ugliness that made you break up in a new light, then go for it.  But if you are praying that it never rears its end again, sign a good prenup.


  1. N.P.A says:

    I am single and I agree with parts of this. But you can desire a relationship and still be happy with single life. People always try to make others feel like their life is perfect and the person on the other side is missing out.

    I have news for you. Some women are really happy being single -they\’re not lying. I have news for you. Some men love independent women – some don\’t. The guys I date (yes guys with an s) think it’s sexy to have your own. Is that ok? YES!! It’s all about what you want and what works for you. No one has a perfect life – married or single. There will always be a little green grass on the other side.

    So women if you are vulnerable and want a serious relationship then go for it. Ladies if you are single and happy and enjoying dating then I say don\’t fall for this notion that you must secretly be longing for married life, are not being honest and won’t attract good men. It’s CRAP and you have to be strong and confident in who you are -not who people want you to be. Anyone who tries to make you feel as if you\’re missing something is not truly secure or happy themselves.

  2. DawleyPardon says:

    LOL @ Robert. I like this post. However, why can’t I be happy and single? When I tell my cohabiting/married homies that I am happy; I am telling the truth. Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I wish a Tyrese lookalike was in my bed ev’rynight, but I find things to do in my loneliest moments. What else is there to do meantime? I refuse to be bitter and brash about not having a husband/boyfriend in my life yet. It is what it is: I am single–by choice. Because lord knows the sh*t creek I would be in if I dated every guy that approached me, LOL.

  3. Finesse says:

    I’m tired of people telling me that I need to reflect on what I need to work on to be better for the next relationship…I ask WHY? I am who I am…everyone has quirks, faults, whatever. What people need to learn to do is accept that no one is perfect and hopefully, the good outweighs the bad.

  4. Noisy Girl says:

    I just ended the booty call phase. It was fun while it lasted but too much wear and tear on me mentally. With the blogs its hard to force myself to go out but this is something I am working on.

  5. Trish says:

    Amen!!!!!! The truth right here. Especially the last part (as it’s oh so relevant to my life). Good job breaking it down for those deceiving themselves.

  6. Robert! says:

    Let the chuch say AMEN!

    Even though I’m a gay man, (Not single ladies choreography gay, but I enjoy a good man gay.) I’m feeling this.

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