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I Didn’t Kill Chivalry, You Did

womanchivarlyThe Strong-Independent-Woman Brigade actually have molested these words to cause deep rooted confusion.

But from the media and such chivalry is addressed as a dying behavior bestowed upon women by men.   The whole marketing of chivalry is just dead wrong.  It’s marketed as this thing for women that they get and men have to do.  It’s actually a behavior that benefits the male and female.  It’s courteous and it makes each other feel good, and defines gender roles.  In America, the issue of defining gender roles is frowned upon altogether, but that’s another blog.

Unfortunately, a lot of women do not know how to receive properly.  That’s what killed it.  When a man opens a door, they barrel right through it without thanking him, or laugh when he pulls out their chair.  Or waves him away, when it’s time for him to put on her coat.   Many suck their teeth, roll their eyes while addressing him as old fashioned, sexist or even boring.   This may be a good woman, but like she’s unable to receive his love and effort, she’s unable to be happy with him.

When a man walks me to his car, I automatically walk to his side if he doesn’t open my door. I can tell by the direction he is walking where’s he’s going.  He’s usually confused that we’re both standing at his driver side.  I tell him that I thought he was going to show me something.  He then gets it.  I don’t tell him “You’re supposed to open my door”.    He figures it out and opens it willingly.   Thankfully, this has only happened twice in my life.   Ninety-eight percent of the men I’ve dated are chivalrous delights.   When I drive my own car, they open my driver door and help me out.  That one is a classic.  Hardly find men to do that because women don’t even know.   What’s more common is for him to let you in, let you out on the passenger side and yada yada.

One little chivalry thing that my man and I usually work out together is who walks in front.  Traditionally the woman does, but it was something I never liked.  I liked walking behind my man since his big, tallness can clear the way better than I can in a crowded restaurant.  But it’s more appropriate for him to walk behind you to make it clear you two are together.  He can see danger ahead and act more quickly when he is behind you.

I don’t see chivalry making a big come back on a epidemic scale because there are too many children being raised with no knowledge of it.  When I was a 6th grade teacher I taught it.   Usually the boys and girls liked rushing through the doors in the morning.   When I’d catch ’em, I made sure if a boy and girl were pressing for the same limited space, I’d ask him to let her go first.  I made sure the boys had some decorum in treating the girls.   I then expected the girls to treat the boys right.  They were to say thank you to boys for opening doors.

If you are dating a man who is chivalrous and you can’t stand it, please keep it to yourself.   Just use the instances that he opens the door, as moments to say, “Thank you, but it’s ok”, as you walk through it.    Don’t give him the big-independent-woman-tired-1990s schpeel.  He’ll get it and most likely see you as someone who never was treated well before.

Learn to receive all kinds of generous acts and show your appreciation.  Saying thank you and allowing him to treat you kind is one way.  You can also bring your man his dinner, a refreshing drink or just a foot rub on Wednesday nights just for nothing.   If you act like a woman who can receive, you’ll attract more chivalrous men, who’ll allow you to bond with them.  Chivarlous men are just more generous with everything–their heart, money, time, and love.  If it’s no interest to you, that’s fine and dandy, too.

But I never met a woman who doesn’t like to feel like a lady now and again.

14 COMMENTS

  • Amethysst

    This article has undertones of the Monihan Report from over 40 years ago blaming Black women for emasculating their men. Any non-chivalrous man is that way by choice. It’s a sad state of affairs when an adult makes decisions soley due to the actions of others. Strong-independent women will not take the blame for anything that the opposite sex does or does not do. A real man/adult makes decisions based on their personal moral code. Plenty of people have bad manners and being independent is not a corralation with being rude and/or not apreciative of chivalrous men. Independent women are not a monolithic group nor does feminism possess the same meaning to women.

  • EbonyLolita

    @BrooklynBatman Happy to hear that your still carrying the torch of Chivalry *wave it hi inna di air please cuz I can’t see you ;)* Bad experiences shouldn’t stop you or anybody else from being a good person and doing the right thing. Just don’t waste your chivalry on women who don’t appreciate it or want it. Step ova them and come ova to this Lady in Waiting b/c I will gladly accept the act 🙂

  • brooklyns batman

    EBONY LOLITA…WOW! with a smile lol.
    i take no offense in your words.yet im from brooklyn new york.the county of kings,as i love to say.trust me when i say.i know chivalry.i practice chivalry.i see to many weak or weakend woman all around.from the lacking of something.i hope i never cause one to become deficent.
    why would you take a step further,once he did not open your door, out the gate?
    why would you open your own door in the company of a man?
    the feeling a man gets in return is appreciation of respect.its like lovin someone and they love you back.
    im doin right by her and we both see and feel it!
    for to long yall have had to tuffin up……and by doin so are f#^*^#n up
    are yall afraid you will have to repay the chivalry????? so yall avoid it?

  • ohthesweetpromise

    I love a knight in shining armor and I will not apologize for it. I love this post. Women have become so confused and deprived over the past century that they don’t recognize sexist behavior from pure respect.

    Once again I will point out that i think the Women’s Movement needs to clarify some things.

    When I get a man, he can pull out my chair, open the door, and do all that stuff. In return I will smile and thank him with adoring eyes and make him feel like the tallest, strongest, bravest, man in the world.

  • EbonyLolita

    The last few guys I dated knew how to treat a woman in terms of opening doors, not letting me walk near the curb and the like. I agree, some women want to come off “SO STRON” that they’ve feminized men. This is sad and due to lack of Men in the household little boys don’t learn how to be MEN. They simply evolve into older MALES. Unfortunately the mothers that raise these lil boys are younger and younger and don’t realize that they should raise them to have respect for women in terms of chivalry. Hmm…. few men I’ve dated didn’t practice chivalry and I would simply stand by the door until they opened it. They’d look at me like I was crazy. Now, I know this is going to ruffle feathers but West Indian and Southern men Know about chivalry. Men from “up north/NYC” wouldn’t know chivalry if it kicked them in the ass. 🙁
    But, Ladies do not let this stop you from expecting and reciprocating good treatment from Men b/c Men have sunken to lower standards b/c women have lowered the bar. Stand up for Chivalry.
    *This message has been approved by the EbonyLolita “ManUp” campaign*

    Love,
    EbonyLolita 🙂

  • Nikki

    WELL I had no problem with this when I dated white. They get trained from birth!

  • brooklyns batman

    SISTERS,LADIES ALL “WOMAN” THINK OF CHIVALRY AS A SRVICE RENDERED TO YOU BY ANOTHER. YOU CAN PAINT AND FILE YOUR NAILS YET GET IT DONE FOR YOU.YOU COULD WALK TO A KITCHEN INSIDE A RESTAURANT AND PICK UP YOUR FOOD,YET IT IS DELIVERED TO YOU.YOU MAY SAY THE PEOPLE DOIN THE TASK.IS JUST DOING THERE JOB.CHIVALRY WAS AN STILL IS A TASK MEN ARE TO RENDER TO A LADY.AND A WOMAN SHOULD WANT TO FEEL LIKE A LADY “ALL” THE TIME….MUSIC SAID IN A SONG..SHOW ME HOW TO LOVE…JUST LETS US!!

  • Goldie

    LMAO @ SHEILA

    “oh heeeeel naw, i kno u aint tryna open no ******* door for me *****. ”
    u must be single. lmao.

  • Michelle

    Oh Sheila honey! If I were a man that just read your comment, I would run for the hills! A terrible attitude just jumped through the computer screen at me! I can’t imagine how dreadful and unflattering it is in perosn.

    Anyway, Maryann this is great. It’s about time that we (specifically black people) behave like we have some home training and deserve the best!!!! Good work

  • mavis

    @Shelia
    I’ll just tell u wat my Mom told my brother… If a woman so “independent” she doesn’t realize that chivalry is respect… Ask for seperate bills at dinner & see how independent she is then.

  • mavis

    When I’m walking in front of my alphamale he keeps his hand in the small of my back, so even though I’m leading he’s guiding. He treats me like a lady because I let him be the man.
    Great read!!

  • Sheila

    This is sexist. Any kind of chivalry is sexist. It only reminds women of their weakness. Who can’t open a car door?! Then women complain when their man leave them. I betta not have a man even think of this I will cuss him out until his drawers shrivel up.

  • James

    Women really have created a mess when men just want to do the right thing. Hd a woman tell me once she did not need a man to open a door, I ended up being with her anyway and it was fighting all the time trying to assert her being independence and all. Dose are some crazy females. Never again.

  • The Hooker Chronicles

    Oh man Maryann, this is the Bible, Talmud, and Torah all rolled into one big truth!

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