Weekend Rewind: How To “Vet” A Man
February 19, 2010
By Guest Blogger, Zabeth
Vet: verb; to appraise, verify, or check for accuracy, authenticity, validity, etc.
Can you tell I like making sure things are defined?
Vetting isn’t as hard as some would like to believe; of course this is easier said than done. The most important part is knowing what you want. I’m assuming that you have assessed the preliminaries (i.e. you find him attractive, you get along, he’s not on drugs, etc.) and you want a committed relationship.
One of the easiest most efficient ways to vet a man is to NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM! A smart girl can keep a man interested without getting naked. If a man is genuinely interested he’ll wait for sex. If he just wants to get into your pants, he’ll move along quickly.
Waiting also gives you a chance to get to know him and decide if he’s really someone you want to give your body to. What happens to a lot of women (Alphas included) when they have sex too early in a relationship is that they become attached to the man and put blinders on to potential problems. In her book Why Men Love Bitches, Sherry Argov points out that before there is any intimacy in a relationship, the woman is rational and the man is irrational. But once sex becomes involved the script gets flipped.
I wouldn’t say you have to wait until marriage for sex, but I would advise waiting until the relationship is committed. That usually takes more than a few dates- and I mean dates, not “meet ups” and “hangin’ out.”
Steve Harvey analogizes that it takes your employer 90 days to evaluate you and determine if you’re worthy of “full benefits.” Maybe that should be applied to relationships.
Next, pay attention to what he says but focus on what he does. Men are usually more honest on first dates and will tell you what’s up; they don’t want any misunderstandings or drama later on. If you agree to keep seeing him that means you’re accepting him and the situation. Also make sure that his actions match up with his words.
Finally ask the hard questions and know what you want out of the situation. If you both aren’t looking for anything serious- fine, but if you want a relationship and he doesn’t- move on. Remember if you agree to keep seeing him that means you’re accepting the implicit contract. That’s why I think it’s important to ask the hard questions up front:
Are you interested in being in a committed relationship?
Do you believe in marriage and family?
If he dodges or can’t give you a straight answer, that is your answer. Of course, don’t ask in way that makes him feel like he’s in a police interrogation, also don’t ask within the first 10 minutes of your first date, but do ask. Don’t wait one or two months down the road when you’ve become emotionally invested.
To find out more about this guest blogger, please go to http://zabethblog.blogspot.com/.
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This is interesting and I know there are ALWAYS exceptions. My case was that I had sex with my current man during the first 4 weeks, we are still together, been a few years now. Having sex that early showed me whether he was real or not. What if I had waited 3 months? With him, he would have waited, but not sure if sex should be the barometer.
great article, this is the problem now a days with most young women, i know girls that slept with a man as soon as they met a man they were interested in and thought their sex was thee best and that wouldn’t make him stray or leave, but when they end up alone they wonder where did they go wrong, if you can’t have a stimulating conversation with a man and get to know him better, sex isn’t a good thing because that’ll be the only thing you’ll have in common. So i say wait to feel that person out, deepen the feelings and communicate. This person might be your future husband. Much love
@lea good advice!
“Vetting” should happen early, not 6 months later and after the fact….
That vetting business is fine, just let the fella know that you ARE interested.
ie: Don’t be stand-offish and unaffectionate.
Remember that men are vetting too. Sure – he’ll wait if he is way into you – ie really attractive, but if you make a man wait too long, he’ll find someone else to fulfill that need.
Also, if you are going to make him wait – make sure you are offering something worth waiting for. If I have to “get to know you” for 3 months and then find out that you are a nun in bed – well, I’m going to be pissed.
Here’s the question you should ask – a man’s (or woman’s) answer to this question will let you know where you stand and where this relationship is going:
“What do you believe in?”
If the terms “marriage”, “love”, or “family” don’t come up – run!
I’d also like to add that a woman shouldn’t have sex with a man in an attempt to keep him or to keep him interested. This doesn’t work, nor will it lead to a fulfilling relationship.
Personally, I think having sex early is vetting as well. If you have sex early and he disappears or starts to act up, then you save yourself a whole lot of time and energy. Now I don’t mean the first month, but i dont mean wait three months either.
Men like the thril of the chase and so many of them will stick around, just to feel like they could win or get that ass.
In the end, you have to use your instincts and just go with the flow.
correction, * I don’t mean sleeping with him on the first date, but i don’t mean three months either .