Weekend Rewind: How To Control A Relationship Through Silence
February 27, 2009
One of our infamous posts! Enjoy!
This is not for all women.
If you’re naturally loud and gregarious, perhaps, that’s how you always will be. This is for women who want to try a different approach in a relationship no matter what their personality. I’ve been researching this type of relationship after I received an email from a woman who said she was unhappy with her relationship with a passive, resigned, but loving man.
I spoke to women who live in “silence” with confidence and a quiet ambition. They are normally in relationships with men who accept this kind of submissive behavior.
You cannot force a man to accept your submission. He has to be a man secure enough to carry the relationship and would most likely be more experienced than you in this area, whereas, he would not abuse it or overplay his hand. Too many men think they can handle this. Who can’t handle a quiet, submissive woman? Any man who asks that is NOT the man to be with in this kind of relationship.
The silence I’m speaking of is not vocal silence. It’s a silence based on trust. It’s a silence of the mind, where you are emotionally still from controlling every aspect of the relationship.
Here’s an example: The sun shines bright all day long. Bright, loud, nurturing the soil, plants, and providing energy. The moon sits on the other side all day, sometimes you can see it, sometimes you don’t. It rises quietly by the smooth transfer of bright light to dark. The moon shines, too, but in the darkness. A steady, quiet shine throughout the night over the earth that provides the same light and energy as the sun—but in a different way. The moon represents the woman in the relationship. She is there always.
She’s not like other women, who continuously need to have the man in their life re-affirm their love on a regular basis and validate their ideas and opinions. If they do not get the response they planned, they’re disappointed. They can be manipulative and blame others for their unhappiness. The need to respond to every matter in the relationship makes these women stand in the same shoes as their man. And we all know, only one foot can fit in a shoe at a time.
A submissive woman is not subservient. She has made a powerful choice to submit herself to a man who respectfully accepts her submission. He sees it as a gift. He feels blessed by it. It complements who he is. Through her silence she emotionally defines him and he depends on her more than any other kind of relationship.
Her silence contributes to a sense of security and safety in the relationship for both. This is not a 50/50 relationship, but two whole parts 100/100. Their bond is like no other relationship because she is completely owned by him and dominated by him. Her silence sustains the domination until she stops being silent. Though very few women I’ve talked to leave this lifestyle.
Here’s what submissive women say:
1. Trusting and obeying your man should be a sign of pride; it should be a mutually agreed upon relationship, where the two of you respect its boundaries
2. He must be everything to you, and you to him; you should make him happy, his happiness is yours
3. Your mind is his to explore and expand as only as he can
4. You learn only what he wants to tell and teach you
5. Only give yourself to a man who has the strength to handle this; You have to choose wisely because if you choose the wrong man you can be in big trouble; It should be a man who is very skilled in dominant/submissive roles and won’t take it for granted. This is not for daters, but for long-term relationships.
Choose wisely, and choose love.
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I am starting to look forward to your daily post. I am learning how to do this every day. I grew up with a very different mind set, the black women I was around were the “strong black women,” with no men in thier lives, so they ran the show. That is the type of women I grew to be however, there was one little twist, I actually found a loving, wonderful man to marry and invited that into my life. But how do you share that space when you’ve always been in control and been the “man” in your life, well let me just say it’s been a journey to understand how to still be in control, but not overshadowing my man. Its’ an interesting journey. I am better for it. And I would argue very few relationships will succeed if women don’t learn how to do this.
Great discussion. This reminds me of something I read about Michelle Obama. She said she didn’t mind supporting her husband because he is always so, so grateful. That’s a lesson for all of us. Women–only break your back for men who will be truly grateful and men should be grateful for what women do to support them. You know, reciprocity.
Maryann, a good follow up article for this would be how to identify the type of man that you can have this type of relationship with. I hate to use the word ’submit’ that doesn’t sit well with me, but supporting his ambitions–ie Michelle and Barack Obama.
You have to be careful who you “submit” to. So how can women who would like this type of relationship identify their “Barack” when they see him? I’d be interested in seeing your take on this.
Man, oh man, this is timely for me. I’m a newlywed and have been battling internally with this transfer from independence to interdependence. Submission was much easier for me to define when I was single and didn’t have to walk it out. Now that I’m married, and still very much a control freak, I realize that it is fear and not trust that is driving my need to “run the show.”
Good discussion.
Tracey M. Lewis-Giggetts
I rather stay with the term \”submit\” because I don\’t want folks to confuse this with your standard everyday give and take relationship. From what I learned, submission is a sub culture. A real, standing subculture of women who submit and call it that without any qualms. Sometimes, it\’s in secret. If a woman has an issue with the word, then she should not submit but have a relationship on her terms, you know? Check out the related link in this post called “So, Women Don’t…” because there are real quotes from women living like this.
So, I will consider an article about the men. That should be interesting! LOL
I’ll admit that I am and am no stranger to being around somewhat docile & feminine natured women, however, I do not consider myself to be owned or obligated to obey any person, let alone a man.
No man wants a woman that is a complete pushover or acts as if she were his slave. Clearly identifiable intelligence and self opinion are valued by both sexes too. There is a time and place for everything. There has to be a balance. My significant other and I are each others partners, and in being such I dont try to play or take over his strengths and positions in the relationship and he doesnt try to marginalize the importance I have in the relationship. My “submissiveness” is only for the simple fact that I hate arguing. I also dont like anyone seeing me lose my cool too often and I like quick, easy resolutions to any issue/conflict. Therefore sometimes its more practical for me to say “ok, hun… whatever you say” even if he is annoying (not disrespecting) the hell outa me.
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Plus you get more bees with honey. He already knows I’m smarter than him anyway (lol) so stroking his ego by letting him have the last word sometimes makes it easier for me to play damsel in distress and get what I want after he finishes runnin his mouth
The word submission has become an evil word, because of the way we define it these days. We talk about women’s liberation and independence, but humans have a need for companionship, there is no denying that. A system any system including a home needs to have a leader and a supporter.
I will share a secret with you all. I have a guide book that beats all of them. You can buy it for any were between $9.99- $100 , but it is worth it. Here is just one of the maney things my guide book says about men in marriage.
There are many reasons why I love my God. The answers are all there in the Bible.
Ephesians 5:21 And further you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:25 And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the Church. He give up his life for her.
Marriage is a reciprocal relationship. No one is less intelligent or inferior to the other. When you read the words “he give up his life for her,” doesn’t it make you just want to find a man and love on him. Ladies your man is supposed to treat you like you are part of his body. the same way he takes care of himself and feeds himself and clothes himself, he is supposed to do the same for you.
AND YOU FOR HIM!!!!
I am really loving this post. It has explained a lot and further help me learn more about myself. Great post.
I am currently dating a very intelligent, strong, and educated young man (actually younger than me). It’s amazing how much mature he is than men that are my age or older. We have had this discussion and he labeled me as “bossy”. I told him that it’s hard because I am use to being the “dominant” person in my relationships because men that I dealt with in the past were almost “momma’s boys” or just didn’t have the drive to be the leader. My friend also expresses to me how he admires me for being driven and intelligent. We both share the same type of attitude towards life and how each partner should be in a relationship.
I am willing to let a man lead if he has demonstrated that he is worth it, but he must understand that I still have a voice and will compliment him through every step of the way. He will also compliment me with everything that I am ‘bringing to the table’ as well.
I wonder why this isnt an issue for women of other races? Seems to me only our women have a hard time understanding roles. Those strong types have difficulty maintaining realationships as men would rather have the docile kitten to come home to. Becky Sue understands that her man is the bread winner and she is there to be the the foundation in her household.When things get back to this we will see stronger family structures in our homes.
^^^ I don’t like the tone of the comment (LOL) but I agree. We women have to understand our roles as women and not be so hard. Men need to step up to and lead by example and stop letting women do it all as well. Everyone has played a part in the weak structure of our families, no one is to blame more than the other.