He Said/She Said Game: Your Side Of The Story

The very first one!

I contacted a few folks on my subscriber list.  I asked them: “What happened during your last breakup?  Tell me your side of the story.”

They also had to give me their ex’s contact info to get their side of the story, too.  After a few days of wondering if I should expose the truth or not, I decided I would.  This is a good practice to self examine ourselves in front of objective opinions by people who do not know us.

And that is what it means to be an “alphanista” –keep your friends close, but enemies closer because they have a lesson to teach you.  You can’t be the manager of your life, if you don’t know all the crap that’s inside your head.

Both of the subscribers have agreed to find out on this site, what the other person says.  I wrote up their stories below after doing separate interviews.  I chose not to get the info via email because too much thought goes into that.  I wanted raw facts.  They have not spoken since break up about 3 months ago.  But after this, it may be part of the healing…or not?

Denece, 31, Somewhere in NYC, chief of staff, investment bank

I met Neil about a year ago at an afterwork event in Manhattan.  As soon as I saw him my stomach made loops.  I really felt I was about to faint.  He was so handsome.  Tall, pretty teeth and had on a fly suit.  That was all external, but his look got my attention.  When he approached me, he looked even better.  He was not afraid that I was with a group of 5 women.  Though if I hadn’t excused myself, he and I may not have exchanged digits.  We went on our first that week, just a few days after meeting.  Since our first date, we had been inseparable.  Fast forward to the 3months, and I was sitting at his family table for Thanksgiving dinner.  I was excited, and so was he.  But we both knew it was a little early for anything more than dating.  But then, I noticed that he was calling me less.  This blew my mind.  We spent lots of time together and never argued.  He would always call me back when I called him.  He even told me he loved me.  But suddenly, he was playing ghost.  I cannot tell you how upset and nervous I was because I had shared secrets with this man, I really felt we would get married after a year.

One of his friends invited him on a vacation for his 35th birthday in Antigua.  I wasn’t even invited, and the other guys brought their girls.  I was hurt and pissed off.  I was beginning to feel he was trying to get rid of me.  I sat him down for the “talk” and he assured me it was in my head, and we just needed space.  I calmed down.  But when he got back from his trip 2 weeks later, it was almost the end of us.  He ran into a bitter enemy of mine (of all freakin places!) in Antigua, but I think there was some kind of soul jazz fest there or something that brought people from everywhere.  She calls me and tells me that my man, the man I trusted, called me all kinds of names and flirted with her.  Man, he slept with her.  That is what she told me.  And there is no reason for this woman to call me.

I confronted him, and he admitted meeting her, flirting with her, but not sleeping with her.  Whatever.  One of his boys told me he had disappeared for a night.  After that, I called the relationship off.  I will not demean myself for anyone just to have a man.  He was out there embarrassing the shit out of me.  While, I was trying to be the perfect woman, he was being a damn dog.  Why couldn’t he just break up with me, instead of dragging my name through the dirt and have others laugh at me behind my back?

Neil, 34, Hedge fund manager, Connecticut area

When I met Denece, it was like an instant attraction.  Out of all the women in the room, she was the tallest, not the prettiest.  Buts she had this glow about her, like this self assurance I loved in a woman.  She was in a group of females, and they were all listening to her.  She was the leader, and I liked that.  We dated quickly, things moved fast with us.  When Thanksgiving came around, I had suggested that the two of us go to dinner alone.  Do something different.  I had spent over 30 Thanksgivings with my family, and sometimes I wanna branch out if I have a special woman.  Denece said no.  She demanded that we have dinner with my family because she wanted to meet them.

I didn’t think Thanksgiving was a time to meet my family after 3 months because it always bought out  the family folks I don’t see, don’t know, and don’t like.  I had wanted her to meet my family on a regular lazy Sunday, where it was more intimate.  But like Denece, she had to have it done her way and done now.  So we did it.

That night was the beginning of our demise.  She was so extra at the Thanksgiving dinner.  She didn’t play the girlfriend role, she was all over the damn place and loud just like my 5 sisters.  It wasn’t cool with me.  I talked to her about this, and she started asking questions if I loved her, and was I trying to break up with her. So, now talking 2-3 times a day, turned into 5-6 times a day because Denece needed daily and sometimes hourly reassurance that I loved her, and wanted to be with her.  It was turning me off.  Actually, I was hurt by it because I thought I had been a good man to her.  I took care of everything in the relationship. I met her when she was down, and I helped her get herself together with a new job I referred her to.  Anyway, I thought I shown and proven I was there for her 110%.  When my boy invited me to go away for his bday, I asked Denece to come with us.  She said, no.  She didn’t want to hang with me and my boys, even though they had their girlfriends with them.

But Denece is a very insecure woman inside all that bravado, and couldn’t stand being around 3 other females for 2 weeks.  I understood, but went anyway.  That’s when I met her friend.  We did have sex.  It was a mistake. It was Antigua.  And actually, I wanted to get rid of Denece.  When I got home, it did hit me hard, because I regretted it. But Denece was more concerned about how she looked to others, than her man being with another woman.  It is always about Denece.  I am fine now, have moved on. If Denece can get rid of that holier than though attitude that she is perfect, she may finally get what she’s looking for.

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  1. Ebony` says:

    See, the problem was the major lack of communication. Did Neil tell Deniece how he felt about hanging with his family on thanksgiving? Women take family gatherings and meeting SO family very important, it lets us know that a man is really into us. I think if Neil did’nt want to further the relationship, he shouldn’t have even extended that offer in the first place. And, I don’t care how much of a “mistake” it was. I highly doubt that Neil slept that other chick on accident. He just admitted to knowing that it was her friend. Men are the ones who are supposed to think logically rather than emotionally, so what happened in that situation? Why couldn’t he control himself? Thats right because he never actually gave a f*ck. Girl, move on! Find a man who thinks you are beautiful, rather than “the tallest, but not the prettiest in the room”.

  2. tracey says:

    Neil crossed the line when he knowingly slept with someone his girlfriend not only knew, but, was an enemy (whether he knew they were enemies or not is irrelvelant).

    I call people like Neil “Cowards” for their dishonesty and people like Denece “Needy” for her poor self esteem, poor self concept etc.

    Both lost something that could have been “special” both need to move on because if he did it once he will surely do it again.

  3. Neil says:

    I was a lil concerned that Denece would rally up her friends on here against me but from what I can read the opinions are all fair. Until now I wasn\’t thinking that maybe I could have communicated better to Denece why I wanted NOT to spend Thanksgiving with my fam. I could imagine that it seemed kind of like I was hiding her or not ready for more. Which was NOT the case. Denece did go from self confident to a nervous nelly. Anyhow, I am still thinking through this, Denece has not changed and neither have I changed. But I see her point maybe a little. This was verrrry interesting.

  4. Rosaline says:

    Wow, well it seems to me that Denyce was over-compensating a little too much to be this perfect woman and was not trying to let her hair down and be herself. Number one, she getting ahead of herself thinking about marriage for the following year. What’s the rush? Try to enjoy yourself, your man and what the relationship has to offer and then both of you can build from there. And Neil, there seems to be a miscommunication somewhere on your part. For Denyce to say you never invited her to Antigua and for you to say that you did and she didn’t want to be with other chicks, the comminucation has gotten lost in the mail somehwere because that particular invitation should have been cut and dry. Either yes or no. Someone here is not telling the full story or is omitting further information.

    Also, Neil..if you wanted to be rid of Denyce and break up with her, do so….females and males alike hate for their time to be wasted if you are not happy with them. Don’t wait to sleep with someone and then when your spot get’s blown up, you lie to cover your tracks instead of admitting the truth! It’s better for it to come from you than from someone on the outside. Unfortunately for you, it was someone who couldn’t stand Denyce & couldn’t wait to tell her how she “had her man” and that made you look much, much worse. That’s a woman’s worst nightmare!

    If you both had really took the time to talk things out and really clear the air, your relationship might have been saved or you could have left being very good friends for the most part.

    Also, Denyce, it’s obvious that Neil has moved on and you need to try and do the same. I know it’s hard because you work together but just try to learn to have fun with yourself and enjoy your own company. Instead of hoping Neil would call, go call a girlfriend or find a new hobby. Challenge yourself to do new things of interests. You may be surprised at what you may find.

    Also, word of advice…I think 2-3 times a day is good enough for a couple to talk to each other but 5-6 times it’s way over board. What can you talk about 5-6 times a day that hasn’t been said the first 2 times you have talked? Again, try to work on yourself a little more, learn to like and love yourself instead of depending on a man for reassurance and fishing for compliments.

    I’m not being hard on you beause I have been where you are quite a few times and it’s a struggle constantly but have more patience and faith in yourself and time will heal your wounds.

    Neil..word of advice, if your not feeling someone, be courteous and just dead the relationship if you feel you and the person are not on the same level anymore. It saves a lot of disgruntled feelings and heartache in the end. Be HONEST!!!!!

  5. This is an excellent series and its ripe for follow up questions.

    But most times in relationships we come from a place of fear due to past hurts and we continue to do the same things. Until we make the choice to just let the relationship BE we will make the same mistakes.

    Denece, Neil was attracted to your self confidence… Why did you change over time and how did that affect his view of the relationship.

    Neil, by the mere fact that you shared initmate and personal secrets, Denece got the notion that you guys had a serious closeness. But when it came time to really let her know your feelings, you clammed up. Why?

    One thing that wasn’t mention was when they first had sex if at all and how did it change the relationship. Because it can.

    The type of energy you give into a relationship is usually what people want and that’s what happened here.

  6. Brian says:

    IMHO, these two people are no longer right for each other – probably never were. The key inflection point was reached based upon a lack of communication. Neil didn’t do a good job of communicating why he didn’t want to be around his family – and Denece didn’t do a good job of communicating why she “needed” to meet his family.

    I really like this new series that MR is laying out – its funny how they both were attracted to the same thing in each other, but then it was that attitude that goes with that “thing” that broke them up.

    Food for thought.

  7. Gloria says:

    i think denece, you need to just give yourself a high five for dealing with Neil, and move on. you had your chance.

  8. Denece says:

    Tried 2 wait before I chimed in on getting more responses. But I have to defend myself, I was not driving anybody crazy. At least I didnt think I was. Maryann explained that I was supposed to be objective and i am trying to be, writing this i have tears in my eyes because I didnt know that Neil felt the way he did about me or wanted to be with me and i can see that he was just trying to make me happy. it feels better to hear him finally admit to cheating. i guess i am a work in progress, but anyway, i guess if he wanted me, he’ll let me know, but i’m not completely convinced yet and he hasnt called me in 3 months, and that is cold blooded. i know he will not even respond to this, but i know you are reading.

  9. Maryann says:

    Why do people always seem to side with men in these cases? LOL. But here, I think Neil may have some more valid points. We know he cheated, but he isn’t married. It happens. A couple who wants to get through that pain, can, but they didn’t. If you all read my blog at http://www.alphanista.com/any-man-without-a-r-ing-is-ripe-for-the-pick-ing/, you know how I feel about “boyfriends”.

    I don’t think this is Denece’s first time dealing with cheating, some women are just more prone than others, unfortunately, and it has nothing do with beauty. I give this one to Neil 🙂 But there is a glimmer of hope. Yes?

    What happened to days when people worked out their problems, instead of ending things at the first signs of stress?

  10. Loving a bottom B says:

    For some reason I think the guy has more truth in his side of the story then her. They both made mistakes which where wrong, however, I think the guys side of the story has less holes in it.

  11. Shug says:

    I say Neil is a not the one for her. He slept with someone else, a big no no… If she does get with him, she will constantly be asking herself what is he doing? who is he with? She wil drive him crazier than she was drivin him before…

  12. Gloria says:

    How do U know she’s black it can be any woman in this situation, i actually think Neil may love her, and they can work it out, men try to act hard like they can move on right away but it sounds like he had expectations for their relationship and no one likes being disappointed, it was nobody’s fault, they both took missteps.

  13. Di says:

    In my opinion, I think Neil should run as very far away from possible from Deneice–she sound like a nag and like one of those desperate black women that get all anxious when they get a man. Neil seems like a good guy. Is HE SINGLE? I have already learned my lessons in this area 🙂

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