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Here we are again. The flood of emails have been increasing week by week for requests to get the facts straight. After a break-up it’s easy to get stuck with that “not so fresh” feeling. Things still feel incomplete. As I mentioned, I do not fix any situations, just get the details by phone or email and let everyone else judge who is right in this matter. Next up, is the lovely couple below. Sweet couple, it seems, met online and had a short lil something. Maybe you’ve been there. When you can’t really tell someone how you feel or you always feel you may say the wrong thing. If you want to send in your side of the story, you must be a subscriber and keep it short. I am a staunch believer that people break up for a reason, but it’s good to at least get a few answers to see where you may have went wrong.
Thankfully, the love story below has nothing to do with cheating like the last one. I feel for the girl, but I won’t give my opinion just yet. Tell me what you think. Who won this game?
Tish, 28, Television Production Assistant, NYC
A couple of months ago I was online, doing the Chemistry dating thing. I finally got matched with a nice looking guy. Good height, build and nice style. We went out on a few dates and we connected right away. I loved his voice, his style and he was very gentlemanly. Thought I could see myself as his girl and he my man. A few weeks passed and we dated a few times, but I noticed the phone calls weren’t regular. When I date, guys usually call every night or every other night. This dude was calling me like once a week. When we talked, it was fun, no drama and I kept it light. I was wondering that maybe he was dating around if he wasn’t checking for me like that. But I was not dating anyone else, and I really felt it when he didn’t call. My phone would not ring at all. I didn’t want to date just anybody because I was ready to settle down. I told myself to just give him his space. I also didn’t want to mess things up by saying the wrong things. I have a tendency to talk alot when I’m nervous. And it had only been a month.
A whole week passed and I hadn’t heard from him. I called him out the blue and he was so glad to hear from me. Told me he had been sick. I invited him to my auntie’s birthday party that night at my grandmother’s house. I know it was bold, but I figured what the hell. I don’t want to keep hiding my feelings and as a woman, I felt it was up to me to initiate more connection and closeness, at least on an emotional level. To my surprise, he was happy to come and we had a great time that night. We even went out to a club afterwards, ate and had a ball. He even came by my place and didn’t make any funny moves. Then it happened again. He didn’t call. I waited several days and finally he called. I was frustrated by that point because I was being very careful with him and patient. I told him right there that I was a woman who wanted to be married soon, in a year, and if that wasn’t on his mind—meeting a woman for marriage—then we need to stop wasting each other’s time. He agreed, hung up sounding all chipper and happy. I never heard from him again. I took me months to get over that. I still think about it. My gay brother says he could be gay. I think that is something he should have shared. But should I had told him I was dating to get married and settle down?
Jerry, 40, Analyst/Accountant, NJ
I met Tish online. That is true. I wasn’t taking it that serious. Even when we switched emails I was like “okay, whatever, let’s see how we feel when we get together.” And when I saw her, I was blown away. She made me nervous, she looked so good. I took her out a few times. Everything Tish said was right on point. She was laid back and she let me lead the way, open the doors, and treat her right. But something did happen. When she asked me if I had ever been married. I said “yes.” She didn’t mention that did she? She looked a little disappointed when I told her, but we didn’t push it any further. On my online profile and I said I “maybe” want kids. I don’t have any kids. I’m not in a rush to make any. I’m 40 and it may seem different, but that’s me. I’d rather wait till I get married, if I do, again.
Tish is a very inspirational woman, she has all sorts of ideas and projects she works on. It intrigued me because my job is mostly pushing numbers. I wanted to do what she was doing working in television and all that. I gave her my opinion on a few business things and she immediately would shut me down. She’d tell me she isn’t looking for a business partner, but for a man. I felt I could be both. I also felt like she thought I wanted something from her. So I backed off a little, didn’t call as much. I was talking to a few other women, nothing serious. When I went to the party at her fam’s house, it was just something to do. I didn’t see it as a deep thing. I had no plans that night and didn’t mind seeing Tish. I called her the next day. Did she mention that? No. She wasn’t home. Don’t remember if she called me back, but I called her again a few days later.
Then she laid it on me about getting married. In a year! I told her no way. I hung up and I wasn’t happy like she said. I felt threatened like she was infringing on my personal space. Tish is the kind of a woman who wants to be a suburban mom, that’s not me. I know she took it all personally, but I think I did her a favor. I think. I just didn’t think it’s a woman’s place to be so upfront about being married. I stopped talking to her to show her that what she said was wrong. And I’m not gay.
He did them both a favor…he may not have went about the right way but he did the right thing. Once I got through the part as far as her shutting him down and telling him she’s looking for a man not a business partner, I knew it would go downhill. How snotty and rude of her. It can be the simplest thing that can turn a person off and make them lose interest in you, especially in the beginning, and that was it. It wasn’t the “I wanna get married within a year” comment, he was gone long before she said that.
As he mentioned, he actually saw her as an attractive, smart, ambitious woman but I believe her shutting him down made all of that go out of the window so he no longer had that original genuine “interest” in her. Totally her fault.
I think both parties are at fault here, therefore, it was best that things did not work out because it was doomed for failure. They both had issues that would have made their relationship set up for future failure.
After reading Tish and Jerry’s stories, I came away with a different perspective. First, I do believe Tish was a bit abrupt in mentioning her marriage desire. The key word is ABRUPT. She had a right to express her feelings, but her delivery of those feelings came off very pushy, as if she were giving him an ultimatum. Who wants such a thing, ever, and after a month?
I believe Jerry did Tish a favor. I think he would’ve turned out to be more of a user than a lover. Like he mentioned, he always wanted to work in television. He was willing to be a business partner and a lover, but once she shut him down on the business, the interest in the lover part fizzled (phone calls stopped). The feeling I got from Jerry was he was a bit envious of her for doing something he so wanted to do, career wise. Oh, and she is much younger, doing that “something” he had dreams of doing.
Both, Tish and Jerry wanted something the other wasn’t willing to give, so this actually turned out to be a happy ending after all.
Tish will get over her disappointment in time and will be happy she didn’t fall for a guy who possibly wanted to use her. And who knows, Jerry may use the inspiration gained from meeting Tish and consider changing careers, yes, at age 40. It’s never too late.
I believe Tish had every right to state her intention, but as someone said it should have been stated earlier during the first date. I think Jerry is emotionally unavailable and an angry man hiding under a cool facade. To say you wanted to hurt her, Jerry, is a little too much. However, I give him the win here for stepping aside, no need to wasting a woman’s time, especially when she’s ready to be fertilized.
I agree with Mikki Tatem if I think there was a lot of miscommunication non verbally and verbally. Who is dude to be playing games as well at 40. I just think that they both should’ve been more upfront with what they really wanted.
Both Tish and Jerry make good points. There is no set age for a person to settle down, so Jerry can do what he wants. Tish came on too strong too fast. She didn’t even know Jerry for two months and she was talking about marriage. Thats the problem with women out there. Once you hit a certain age you automatically try to sniff out a good man so he can give you that “white picket fence dream”. Tish was too desperate and she played herself.
I THINK that Tish’s brother got his eye on Jerry. Just somethin I picked up on.
I believe in this case there was a lack of truthful communication. If Tish\’s goal is to get married in a year then she should tailor her online profile and searches to meet that goal. She was giving they guy mixed signals (non verbal cues conflicting with what she was saying).
Furthermore, Jerry is to old to be playing phone games with people. If he is looking for friends and \”cutty buddies\” then Match.com and Chemistry really aren\’t the places to be adversting his \”services\” unless he is the preying type (which I hope is not the case). At the very least when Tish explained her goals he should have taken the opportunity say that is not what he was looking for and brought some closure to the relationship.
I wish PEOPLE understood that any person who walks away from you is doing both of you a favor. No one walks away from something they want. If he wanted you, he would not have stopped calling. Please don’t try to hold on to someone who is trying to walk away. consider it a blessing and a sign that you are making room in your life for the one who will love you in the way that you desire and deserve.
I think us sistahs need to know a man’s intention upfront when we decide to online date or just date, period. We assume because we want a serious relationship, if their profile says they want the same thing, they are on the same page as us. WRONG! Men may ultimately want a relationship, but they don’t want a serious, committed relationship after a month. They want to “test drive” a few cars before they purchase. And that’s how they date…
So on date ONE, ask them what their intentions are for dating. Make sure you’re on the same page-if they want to start casual, fine. Then you know not to put all your time in this one person-date around because it’s all in the numbers. That’s the beauty us sistahs need to take advantage of and not feel like a “whore” or “slut” because you’re seeing more than one person and from a numerical standpoint, chances are you’ll find a better match if you a) date more men and b) do your homework on a man upfront. Don’t waste your precious time on a fool who doesn’t want a serious relationship at 40….
KO Jerry
@Nikki just like a woman assuming it all with just a bit, how do u know she’s black? and labeling bw as actin desperate is way off anyway for tish, i think if her gay brother said he’s gay he could be gay, dude doesn’t sound like anyone who wants to be in no serious relationship, people get divorced and marry again, why not call the girl back because she bought up a goal she had for herself? i woulda at least made her laugh about it, relax her a little bit and go with the flow, i wouldnt say i want the same things or i dont, i’d just see what happens, jerry seem like he need a game plan lol
I just now finished listening to this on my IPOD (yes while I got dress for work! LOL) I side with the sista in this one. Lots o black women act desperate dees days for nything, glad to see some still have standrds. She was being honest with the man did herself a favor by not wasting yeah on a man who is not interested in anything serious. Why not at 40? No kids? At the end he sounded like he wanted to hurt her. WHY? I dunno about him.