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Weekend Rewind: He Said/ She Said Game: Your Side Of The Story

hesaidshesaidIt’s been a long time, but here’s another one.  Both sides of the story because there always is! This is an unusual case because they two still live together, but may not after this. So, who won this one? I think someone is afraid to sip the kool-aid…You decide!
If you are a subscriber and interested in sharing your side of the story, email me.

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Doreen, 37, nurse
Trey and I have been together for 11 years and have 2 boys.

We are both in our late thirties. When we met it was instantaneous. We moved in together after a week! Yup, my lease was ending that week we met and he was like “F it move in with me”. He had a nice crib (which we still live in this day). So I was immediately inaugurated into wifey duties from day one. I got pregnant after the third month. As soon as I got pregnant he told me getting married was the next thing. We had agreed that we would go to the City Hall and make it happen before our son came. Nothing happened. I was always sick with the baby and he had started a new job and couldn’t get the time off. Fast forward 10 more years, another son, and no ring. I got a “promise” ring. Yeah, okay. Anyway, when Vday passed and he worked that night, I was furious. Both our families were humming that it is time to make it happen. I am so fed up. As I write this I need to know if he is ever going to marry me and why not. Believe me I can deal with the answer. I just need to know.

Trey, 37, Firefighter
I love Doreen so lemme get that out of the way.

But just because I love the girl don’t mean I have to marry her. I did make a few promises but that was because she forced me. I never wanted to be married. My parents ain’t married after 30 years her mother and father same thing. Doreen just got too many female knuckleheads putting crap in her head. She sees them getting married talking about dresses and what not and she wanna floss too. She just wants to show off with the little we got. She’s embarrassed. But what’s that go to do with me? She agreed to move in with me, she’s stayed and she will stay. Maybe if she had told me earlier about waiting on the kids to get married maybe I would’ve thought about it. We’re never getting married. Is that what she wanted to hear? Because I told her that a million times!

24 COMMENTS

  • LR

    I find this “gentleman” very disrespectful of his lady’s feelings. She has given you a family, a home life and very importantly, her good years (which she’ll never get back.) Trust, this is not about her friends. If you really love her, why are you OK with causing her shame and embarrassment just for being stupid enough (very studpid, IMO) to love you and stand by you for all these years? Obviously, there’s something there. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be there a decade and 2 kids later. Your parents did you a disservice by raising you to think that marriage doesn’t matter. Look at what it has done to you. Your parents turned you into a selfish @#$%. Now you seem to want to repeat the cycle… BTW, this isn’t about flossing either. Lots of folks go to city hall for a cheap marriage…

    A man who rejects marriege after a multiyear relationship is making the statement: “I don’t care enough about this trick to marry her. I only care enough to $$% her and/or make babies until I find someone better!” Is this the message you want to portray about the woman you claim to love? No wonder she’s embarrassed… Doreen, if you really want get married, you can’t afford to wait another 11yrs. Decide and make a plan. Tick tock.

  • Estilo

    just glad he kept it real….90% of men wouldn’t….and his reasons are plainly summed up by the statement “she stayed and she WILL STAY.” She lost whatever leverage she had long ago if he would even say that. However, marriage shouldn’t be about cajoling or tactics to make it happen,,,if it’s not happening kinetically, on it’s own, totally organically, then why force it. do u really wanna feel like your husband married u only out of pressure?

  • EbonyLolita

    @Maryann. Thank u for the fact check 🙂
    @Zabeth. Big Up for the agreement :0

    I think that people have gotten so used to shacking up that when you mention trying to be married everyone turns their nose up at it. Yes the divorce rate is over 50%, but what were the qualities of those relationships prior to the vows. People are delusional at times and see the signs that their mate is not worthy and still push forward b/c a lot of people want a WEDDING and not a MARRIAGE. I strongly recommend that if your going to marry someone you do your homework in terms of who they are emotionally/physically/spiritually. Yes, some men/women are the Masters of Deception but at least you can say you’ve tried and you put your best foot forward.
    I have done so and saved myself from saying I Do to Mr. Don’t. It’s lonely at times to be single but I know that I’m quality so I’m holding out for the same. In the interim I will continue to evolve and work on my flaws and enhance my positives. I say a prayer to GOD above and step out into the world knowing that I AM Worthy 🙂 Ladies please do the same and good luck on your journey of finding a man that should be enamored that you’ve chosen him.
    TaTa for now….. EbonyLolita

  • The Hooker Chronicles

    @babydoll

    Man, it’s a marriage like a mother F*cker, minus all the legal mumbo jumbo! He’s also my business partner, so not only are we a family unit, we’re a business unit!

    It’s a win/win for us..

    I couldn’t imagine anyone telling him to leave me just because I don’t want to be married! All that does is make me just another single parent household and I ain’t doing that one!

  • babydoll

    To THC: You sound married, except you just don’t have the official title- if you gonna do ALL that, just get married….what difference does it make? none

  • Zabeth

    If it’s just a piece of paper, than what’s the big deal? Just do it! LOL! C’mon, when people say that, it usually means that there’s a bigger issue they’re either concerned or insecure about.

  • Cruz

    Whoa! I’m kinda confused as to why she needed clarification, Sounds to me like dude has made it pretty darn clear that he’s not getting married, like ever.

    Girl find you a man who shares your views of love and commitment or convince yourself that marriage is just a piece of paper like many bonehead women do and make it work. SImple if you ask me.

  • The Hooker Chronicles

    Im not married to my primary partner but I list him as a partial benefactor on insurance forms, and Im pretty sure the man in this post has done the same for her and his children.

    My primary partner also has it set up through his job to have his wages disbursed to his children’s college fund as well as my son’s college fund.

    If he makes proper provisions to make sure that everyone is taken care of then there should be no problems.

    But I hate the idea of folks thinking that they are ENTITLED to monetary benefits. If I were to die today, I have made provision for everyone in my immediate family to be taken care of, even the ones who are not legally or blood related like my boyfriend

  • ohthesweetpromise

    @Zabeth I agree with you 100%

  • Zabeth

    “If you drop dead tomorrow your children are entitled to NADA! Your GF, the same. Marriage is not only a commitment to God, but a protection financially and legally.”

    That’s why marriage is more than just a piece of paper- I really wish people would get that idea out of their heads. Any woman who cohabitates with a man is taking a big risk.

  • Maryann

    @EbonyLolita true despite all the hoopla NY is not a common law state thus live in couples do not get “married privileges”. Meaning his baby mama has no rights over property, money and executor of the will be assigned to his mom, sister, and other kin.

    http://family-law.freeadvice.com/family-law/ny_common_law_marriage.htm

  • EbonyLolita

    LMAO,
    Her
    First homegirl failed to plan. You do not put yourself at the mercy of another. So what if your lease was up. You should have checked out his WHOLE history before moving in with him. You gave away the milk when u should have leased the cow. He saw what he wanted and got it b/c you were weak. Sorry if that hurt but it’s true. Your man read you like a book and saw that you were the type of female to put all her sensibilities aside and move in with a stranger after a week. A promise is a comfort to a fool and that’s what he did give Nada but Promises. So, 10yrs, 2kids later your in the hole. He’s laughing b/c he has the arrogance to say that you’ll never leave and you know what?? He’s probably right. I wouldn’t suggest that the two of you get married, it’ll fall apart on paper and in the real world. Baby/Honey/SweetiePie you fell for the OkeyDoke. The least you could have done was used a Patch/NuvaRing/Depo and protected yourself from having to explain to two children why the family dynamics are as they are, Screwed up. Homeboy doesn’t seem to think that their is anything wrong with how your living and until he chooses to accept you as his wife YOU WILL NEVER BE. So…. if you have any dignity left start saving your $$, plan like it’s your life, not his and Skidadle on with your two children.

    Him
    Dude as my Godmummy would say, “Dutti bwoy yu nuh have NO Ambition” You have chosen to show your children that their mother isn’t worth the promise to God and promise to Lifelong commitment. Do not be surprised if your sons/daughters continue with your unprogressive pattern. This is why the Black family will never advance. Men like you who do not value marriage. If you drop dead tomorrow your children are entitled to NADA! Your GF, the same. Marriage is not only a commitment to God, but a protection financially and legally. You show a lack of maturity by your way of thinking. However, if you do not LOVE her then don’t marry her. Obviously you don’t love her.

    It is what it is at the end of the day. Unfortunately, two children are the recipients of this FOOLISHNESS! *kissteeth*

  • Loving a bottom B

    I think this is simple. He does not want to get married and she does. What should happen?

    Her:
    She should just accept the fact that he does not want to get married. Other then wanting to get married she does not seem to have issues with her man. So why not accept it if you love him. Marriage is nothing more then piece paper plus she has already obtained common law wife status.

    Him:
    However if he loves her as well as sees himself being with her he should just take the L and marry her. I know others that have been in this exact situation. The man eventually just bends and gets married so he can no longer be nagged about the issue. This is probably the best option since it will shut her up and keep her happy. Because if he doesn’t it will only create real friction, animosity and drama in the relationship at some point.

    In short he needs to just marry her. They have come to far to go back or leave each other over this.

  • Rosaline

    Wow…I’m kinda of a lost for words.

    First things first, I can understand meeting someone for the first time and sparks are flying all over the place because some couples have that instant connection where everything falls into place and boom!..they’re in love..or lust. Shoot, it happened to me but that sure didn’t last too long!

    However, through that particular experience, it has taught me that it is so detrimental to KNOW and LEARN about each other and that takes a very long time!
    Doreen..it seems that you really cared for Trey and I’m not going to call you foolish or any other names because too many women are in your exact situation. Too put you down is beyond the point and it takes a lot of courage to post your issues here because you needed to get confirmation. I do believe though, that you always knew what Trey has just confirmed. In fact, according to him, he has told you plenty of times!
    Doreen, as much as you love Trey, you will have to come to terms with the fact that the man doesn’t want to get married simply because he just may not believe in marriage and doesn’t feel it’s necessary nor truly care about it. That is his thought process.

    I can see that this is very important to you because you want to get married, hell both of your parents have never been married so I can also see that you are trying to do things differently from your parents because that is where your beliefs lie and I can respect that. But my concern is, is marriage the only issue here? Once you get the ring..will your relationship change in any way or are you doing this to feel better about yourself or for the kids? If Trey loves you and you love him..while marriage MAY seem like the next step, your lives wouldn’t really change all that much since it has been 11 years already. It just seems to me that both of you moved very quickly and truly needed to sit down and discuss what future lies for the both of you. What’s are your ideas of marriage and children? What are Trey’s ideas regarding marriage and children?
    If there always been a discrepancy regarding this subject from the get go, there was no need to even have the issue posted here because you knew the truth all along and settled for it. Trey is comfortable now and it’s too little too late. If you really wanted this..this should have been nipped in the bud before a baby was conceived because now you are in pain, unhappy and suffering for it.

    And Trey, I’m not letting you off the hook either.
    If this is how you truly felt all that time, you really, really should have made that point very clear 11 years ago instead of promising Doreen something you never had intentions to do. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to promise her that. It’s not fair to her and it’s extremely selfish on your part just to keep her close to you. Everyone has a mind of their own and while it seems that all her friends are getting married, it isn’t always that cut and dry that Doreen wants to get married because her friends are married. This is obviously something she has felt strong about for years, regardless if her friends are married or not so you are placing blame on the wrong people or influence. Look at yourself and see what are you contributing to this resentment you both have growing here.
    Both of you have to respect each others feelings and if this is really truly something Doreen wants and you cannot give and are not willing to do so, all this is going to do is bring unhappiness and strife in already tense situation and no one will benefit from it. Now, I’m not saying you both should break up just like that because it’s takes a whole lotta work to keep a relationship going but I think it’s really time for you both to have a “Come to Jesus” talk and just really lay everything out because at the end of the day, Doreen have to do what’s good for her, you have to do what’s good for you and you both have to make sure that whatever your decision is based on, make sure your on equal footing regarding your children and their future because you best believe this whole situation will effect them one way or another!

    Also, Trey, you really should talk to Doreen with a little more compassion and respect. I can feel the heat of your frustrations a mile away. It’s makes you look and sound like a selfish asshole and that’s not showing love to me. There’s a much better way to handle yourself.

    Okay, I’m done.

  • Zabeth

    It looks like Trey has his cake and is eating it too. Why should he marry her? He has the benefits of a wife without any of the responsibility of being a husband and she gave all of that to him after a week. His parents never married, so of course he doesn’t value marriage. It also seems as if he didn’t really want to marry her from the get go, but she got pregnant. This is also a prime example of why you don’t have a baby with someone you’ve only known for 3 months. SMH.

    Marriage may not mean that a man loves a woman but, in the eyes of the law and society it does make a world of difference i.e.: the social respect of being a wife and not a “baby mama,” you and your children having the same last name so there’s no confusion, ease of access to benefits and inheritance in the unfortunate event that he dies, shared and combined assets, tax benefits, etc. I’d also look into my states laws with regard to common law marriage.

    A man who truly loves and honors his woman wants the world to know that she is his and only his. He also does something special for her on Valentines Day (eye roll). I say move on, or accept the situation as is. He’s pretty much told her through words and actions what’s up.

  • ohthesweetpromise

    @Pleazure Pluz
    The idea of a promise ring is very romantic. However, this situation just makes it sad. She should check into the common law thing. It might work in the long term for her.

  • Pleazure Pluz

    “Promise Ring”?? What the F*&^?!? Are we still in high school?

    It seems so simple to me. If you want to get married, then leave and try to find someone who is willing to marry you.

    If you are satisfied with your life as it is now, then stay! And stop worrying about what your friends are doing. Just because they have the wedding doesn’t mean that their marriage is “oh so great”.

    Just my $.02

  • The Hooker Chronicles

    Oh God, if it’s been 11 years and he’s making her happy, why must she turn herself into a BW (Basic Woman). This man is NOT interested in being legally committed to someone, and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that.

    I think 90% of women today have this emotional attachment to the fantasy of being married. Who was the fool that told us that not being married makes you less of a legitimate couple and family unit?

    If my parent weren’t married, does that make them a lesser loving couple or family unit? Of course not!

    If she wants to keep this man she better stop nagging so damn much!

  • Brian

    Wow – well Trey you win the a-hole of the year award. Why is it cool that your or her parents never got married? I can’t imagine sharing my house for that long with a woman and kids and not be married – do you need that escape clause?

    And it’s not like Doreen is going anywhere – she’s been putting up with it this long – why change. Late 30s, 2 kids, pickins are real slim unless she got a dope job or dope looks.

    Sad, so very sad….

  • Darling

    This is crazy! This woman is a damn fool. The man is a freaking selfish bastard! They both deserve each other. Geesh, what low gutter standards they have.

  • Jubilance

    This is a damn shame.

    He thinks its ok to continue the cycle of raising children in unwedded homes?

    She’s a damn fool, she moved in way too quick and started performing wifely duties – that’s not the way to get the man to drive the car, if you just let him test drive it all the time.

    She needs to figure out whats more important to her – getting married or being with Trey, and then act accordingly.

  • ohthesweetpromise

    This is classic. Very classic, including all of the mistakes. When will we will learn?

    Doreen, please listen to the man when he is talking to you. He is not going to marry you. It is that plain and that simple, the sooner you accept that fact the better. I guess history is repeating itself with the both you since neither one of your parents got married. This is sad, but come to terms with the fact before you drive yourself to destruction.

    Trey you are responsible too. You have enjoyed all of the benefits of having a woman living in your house and you have made promises to her. You are a very shady character and I hope no other woman every thinks of dating you or staying with you.

    Doreen, check you state laws. If they have common law marriage, girl you have rights. All may not be lost, if he decides to get rid of you, LOL the courts my be on your side. But if you leave then you are on your own when it comes to the law.

  • Nikki

    Why would u say he won? SHE DID. She finally got her answer and she better move on…

  • James

    Doreen lost from day one. Dayum! Women have it hard.

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