Did you hear about some married governor in Cali last week who had a baby with the help?
Well, everyone is coming down on him hard. No pun intended. But here, we like to explore the other side of things. Here’s my guide for hiring help when you live in a big mansion with a big, hunky man who has lots of money and working sperm.
1) ***k Experience! No, not that way, but the other way. Can she do dishes? Can she vacuum? Can she wash? Okay, that is more than half of cleaning, everything else she can pick up along the way. Stay away from “degreed” maids who think they have everything down pat. They cost more money, and help themselves to just about everything in your home. Get someone who is honored to be working for you and feels lucky you hired them because their lack of experience has put them at the bottom of the maid job pool.
2) Control by Fear. Remember those 80s soaps when you’d see how bad those rich people treated those maids? Now we understand. You need to let them chicks know. Yes, they are still chicks, women, females, with love in their hearts they want to share with the world, or with your man. It doesn’t matter if she is married. Does she have her immigration papers? Preferably not. Can she speak English? Preferably not. Is she bigger, taller, smarter than you? Preferably not. She wants what you have. Who wants to go back home to the hood every evening? She does not. Don’t be friendly, just respectful. Threaten her with exposing her immigrant status or lack of skills, but always say it in a tone that you wish you won’t have to do it! Always speak conflicted, like you just don’t want to destroy her, but you may have to. For no reason, just say it, every now and then. Break a dish for the hell of it. Let her know who runs this.
3) Women under 50 need not apply. If you come from the old school, then you know nobody cleans a better house than your 60 year old grandmother! I would go by my grans house and everything would be spotless. Not a speck. But the chick can’t even get up to change the tv channel by herself. I don’t know how she did it. But when it gets to cleaning, it’s like some second body force takes over, and they handle that mop, that broom, that brush, and get down and dirty. Stop looking for young and able. These types are looking for more out of life. Maids of a certain age done did the drama with the husband (maybe the wife too) in their young wipper snapper days. All they want now is a nice quiet job, and a check to supplement SS. Most importantly, unless your husband is a pervert, he’ll leave grans alone. And grans won’t hesitate to tell you if he’s exposing himself in his draws because older folks always got something to say.
4) Leave the Spanish maids alone. Hey, there’s a reason why they get typecasted as maids in movies, and tv. Jennifer Lopez in Maid in NY. She came up on a millionaire. They have been typecasted in this role for ever. Spanish women are hot. Great bodies. Have you ever stepped into a Dominican hair salon? Tight jeans, hip huggers, flowing hair, and halters. And that’s just what the 35 year old grandma wears. The maid in the Sperminator home probably was a hottie to Arnold in her best days. She didn’t look like a dime. But she had sexuality, curves, hair, lipstick. Some men can work with that. In her most recent pics, you can tell she is confident with how she looks. Hire a one-eyed Asian maid, or a big shoulder-bodied over 50 Polish maid. Get creative.
5) Don’t think your shish don’t stink. I think what happened with Maria Shriver was this: She thought she was the best looking thing since a Texas sized BBQs pina colada. She probably thought her husband “would never” be with “that”. But she forgot who Arnold really is, being Governor didn’t change that. He is a down home dude, what we’d call “country” over here. It’s not all that complicated for him. He also showed himself as a cheater long ago. Maria definitely married “down” and this is the cost. She and him also had some of their own issues, but I know sex was not one of them with all those kids they have! Maria, girl, you need to know this.
Leave pretty, young, perky, experienced, and attractive alone when you hire a maid. Keep it simple. Basics. No live in. And learn to do your own cooking. They have a way of slipping into things in the food.