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Embrace Your True Self

womannightBy Guest Blogger Te-Erika Patterson

Have you ever noticed that sometimes there seems to be a battle going on inside of you?

Most often, it’s because you feel trapped in someway and feel as though you can not express the real you. This leads to being defensive and angry and it affects the way you relate to people. You may begin to hide out, cutting yourself off from people in general and living a life of unhappy solitude.

You are experiencing this incongruity in your personality because there are two “You’s” fighting with each other. Your True Self is your instinctual self. It’s the part of who you are that reacts emotionally and wants to be happy at all times. The other part of who you are is your Social Self. This part of your personality recognizes the expectations of society and tries desperately to fit in with them.

Your True Self may like football, think women are sexy or loathes cooking and cleaning while your “social self” reminds you that you are a woman and you shouldn’t like football, think women are sexy and makes you believe that something is wrong with you because you don’t like to cook.

Our social self is a product of our involvement in society. Someone set up a system of “normal behaviors” that are often relegated to gender roles and when we are born, we are taught to follow the rules in order to progress in life.

Traditional therapists believe that in order to create a happy, healthy life there should be a balance of the two. I’m still on the fence about that advice because I have trained myself to be my True Self at all times. If I want to cry, I’ll cry. If I want to be alone, I won’t answer the door. If I want to be a bitch…I’m a bitch.

This causes disruption in my life when people who are conditioned to create happiness in the structured way express their disdain for my lifestyle. But at the end of the day, I am so happy with who I am and the life that I lead. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do and my life is exactly the way I want it to be. The biggest benefit is the fact that the people who are consistently in my life love me for who I really am and not some expressed ideal of who I believe I should be.

Embrace your “True Self”. It’s okay to live how you want to live, play how you want to play and love how you want to love. Unless you are harming someone else’s life, you have my full permission to…just BE.

To find out more about this guest blogger, please go to http://te-erika.blogspot.com/.  For tools you can use to maximize these benefits please see 9 Tuesdays.

5 COMMENTS

  • daphne

    I co-sign with missing pieces, for the most part. Where I diverge is being a b!tch just because one feels disrespected. I think you can assert yourself, establish boundaries, and speak clearly and firmly without being one. But I’m assuming that being a b!tch in those circumstances = cursing someone out, berating them, belittling them, “telling me them about themselves” etc. Someone else being rude doesn’t automatically give me license to become emotionally undisciplined. Being gracious isn’t just about being polite to others – I think it’s also handling yourself with dignity even under fire.

    As for someone putting their hands on you (aggressively or in a threatening manner) or otherwise violating physical boundaries, I call that survival and/or self-defense.

  • Prodigia

    I enjoyed this article. I think it’s very important to embrace your true self, often times we are our social selves to benefit someone else’s true self. Folks want you to be nice and fit in to their way of being. Just be yourself and do you.

  • hiphopmuse

    I think this is a great post. I totally agree that we must stay true to ourselves. I also think that to coexist in this world with others we sometimes have to be our “social selves.” My personal feeling is that we have to know when to be one or the other. It’s a delicate balance, but if you’re in touch with your true self, and aware of the balance you can be your best self (or selves).

    About the “if I want to be a bitch, I’m a bitch” thing, I didn’t get the sense that you were talking about being an asshole toward people. I took it as “sometimes you have to take it there with people.” Generally speaking, people will run over you if they think you’re a punk, so sometimes you gotta pull the bitch card. Again, its knowing when to be one, and when not to.

  • missing_pieces

    I was thinking about this topic around 3 am this morning. Most women are like what you described, including myself. I have schisms sometimes because on the outside I am just an ordinary girl, inside I’m an animal barely able to control primal urges- somehow I manage.

    I agree with MOST of what you said except “If I want to be a bitch…I’m a bitch.” I’m not sure of what you mean by this: if you are saying being a bitch as far as being in control of your own life and making your own path, not giving a f**k what other people think about it or your choices, because at the end of the day you know you better than anyone else: then I’m with you.

    However, if you mean being inappropriate and intentionally rude to others just because you are in a “BAD MOOD” and you feel entitled to hate the world; um no- I don’t co-sign.

    There are some women who use “being a bitch” as an excuse to intentionally inflict emotional distress on others- thinking that’s “just the way they are” and refuse to take responsibility for their words/actions. To me, those women are not really “bitches” just spoiled, immature, emotionally self-indulgent little girls who haven’t learned how to control there emotions. Yeah, sometimes you can get the estrogen pass but that’s just sometimes.

    I am not saying this is what you meant by any means- but let’s be real here; There’s a difference between being a bitch and being a C**T! Bitches handle their business with authority and are not necessarily mean IMO, they just need to get sh*t done- and done well.
    A C**T, is just a mean, overall nasty person (woman or man); they believe in belittling, making snarky/sarcastic and mean-spirited comments about you; someone who hates people because they hate themselves – and is very insecure, who has time for a person like that.

    Sometimes I am on the fence with my bitchiness, I try to be polite but not pleasing- I just believe in good manners. I give respect because I expect it in return. If I feel you have willingly crossed the line, violated my space or boundaries I’ve put up to try and build a healthy relationship and I just feel- outright disrespected with evidence to back it up, then yeah, I’ll be that bitch.

    I guess bitchiness is relative and depends on the context of the situation; but C**t is just what it is IMHO.

  • ChiLawGirl

    I’ve often struggled with this. Very moving!

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