Disapearing (Appearing) Acts…

Sometimes we can't always feel like this...

I couldn’t write.  I needed me time, space time.  Little did I know that one of the greatest things to ever happen would happen at this time.  Still I couldn’t write.  I was exhausted.

As an alpha female we are used to giving so much–information, time, resources, an ear, a hand, you name it.  We are used to be “on” all the time and the picture of “perfect progress”.  I was tired, tired tired.  I would read some of the archives and want to have lunch with that person who wrote that–me.  I just didn’t have the energy to give.  Most alpha females are not absorbers of energy (like me) they give out lots.  Now, I give out lots, but I absorb twice as much which can drain me.  For example, spending time with people I don’t know is draining, because I feel the need to conserve my energy.   That takes energy too!  Only other alpha females know what I mean.  Essentially, I needed space to just be me–messy me, indecisive me, cranky me, and more.

We shouldn’t discard the parts of ourselves that get us down or get us in trouble for the part of ourselves everybody loves.  To be a whole person we should want to take all those parts because they all have value.  What can the “bad” part do for you?  It can protect you, nurture you and offer you deep intuitive guidance, instead of defeat you, beat you, and sabotage you.

If you ever feel a need to hide, hibernate, cut yourself off from others even for a day, don’t hesitate.  It’s okay to not want to be bothered.  Just make sure during this time you are regenerative.  You are reading helpful books, blogs, and all that, even while you are not necessarily doing “good”.   Sleep, too.  Eat your fav foods.   Use the time to learn and reinvent.  It took me a few years to even feel partly like I’m there yet.  Just a little everyday.

Anything from a death, money woes, family issues, health issues can make you want to run.  At times, I still fantasize about running off to Paris or Italy, growing my hair wild, and eating cheese all day!  But I realize that is a part of me that needs love, too.  She’s the side that reminds me to get out of my ruts and take life by the cajones.

To all of you who dug in the archives looking for just about anything to stay connected to Alphanista, I appreciate your support and letters. As the year winds down (because it is!) I will focus on more uplifting blogs.  Maybe it’ll even be a few words.  Maybe I’ll disappear again.  But you know how to reach me.

In the meantime, walk away with this from the 48 Laws of Power…”never appear too perfect”and “recreate yourself”.


  1. EbonyLolita says:

    Oh MaryAnn *Huggs* Happy that you know yourself to know when you need a break. Definitely happy to see that you’ve renewed yourself & your spirit enough to give us a though provoking post.

    I “unplug from the Matrix” from time to time & could care less what ppl think. If you fall to pieces nobody can put you together better then God & yaself so do what needs be to stay “together.”

    I’ve read the 48 Laws & put only a few of them to use. I can’t lie some of em go against my moral code, but I get where they are coming from. However, I do prescribe w/the reinvention of self.
    Love, EbonyLolita 😉

  2. Brandi Ford says:

    Been there before but so glad to see that you’ve returned even if sporadically. Your blog has been in my google reader so that whenever the time came, and I knew it would, I wouldn\’t miss a future post. Hope the end of the year treats you well.

  3. Miss Andi K. says:

    Hi Maryann!

    Welcome back! I’m sending you cyber hugs and love. As one of the ones who kept returning for her Alphanista fix, I must say that this post is a breath of fresh air. On the other hand, its wonderful to hear about your personal journey into rediscovering You.

    I think I just came out of my own season of emotional and social hybernation, and I too had the hell if I care attitude toward any “friend” who didn’t understand or accept it. 🙂 Life’s all about taking care of Numero Uno so you can eventually help those around you. Again, welcome back!

    with love,

    Miss Andi K.

  4. Maryann says:

    You know what I really didn’t care who understood. It was about me. A friend would come by only if I invited them…and with food. lol. It was respected. To not respect it is what is expected and a very predictable action.

    If friends can’t respect or take it personal then they are just not interesting enough to be my friend.

  5. Krystal says:

    Girl I hear you loud and clear…I’ve been doing “me” for a few months now. Thankfully, my close friends have understood.

  6. Maryann says:

    Now, that’s real life, I’m emerging….day by day.

    Samantha, sometimes the best remedy is to do nothing and just wait, I did and I do.

  7. Samantha says:

    I am totally there with you. I am entering the season you are emerging from. I just don’t feel like giving one more thing! I want a break, a sabbatical from life for a year.

    I don’t feel like writing, advising, sharing, or any of the other things I do for other people. Unfortunately I can’t completely check out (my kids wouldn’t like that very much), but I can take an extended mental break.

    Creating a few vacuums is in the works and I think that is another part of the draining of my personal resources. I’m ready to reinvent my life. I’m at a brick wall staring upward and wondering how to get over.

    Maybe walking back to a certain point and getting a running start to jump over that wall is what I’m experiencing now. I just wish I could find a way around it…but a simple door will do.

    Welcome back!

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