Celibacy: Alphanista Style

A Sign An Alpha Female Almost Always Ignores In Life

By Guest Blogger  Wendy Coakley-Thompson

I’m celibate.

It feels weird to come right out and say it.

For two reasons.

First of all, talking publically about my v-jay-jay is not something I do on the regular. I try to maintain some mystery about myself. Second of all, saying it is strange, because usually, people who utter the words “I’m celibate” are trying to make some kind of a point. Not me. The only point I’m making is that I haven’t had sex in a long time. Society calls people like that celibate. My luck of the linguistic draw.

Celibacy is something that I kind of tripped and fell into. Like pretty much all of you, my milkshake brought any and all manner of guys to the yard: the emotionally bankrupt guy, the seductive withholding guy, the I’m-really-straight-I-just-like-show-tunes guy, as well as the tadpole, the fossil, the NQD (“not-quite-divorced”), and various and sundry combinations of all of the above. Playing “How Unavailable

Are You?” got really old…really fast.

As I became a fine wine, I grew more discerning. Gradually, the list of guys that I’d let insert Tab A into Slot B got shorter and shorter.

Slowly, navigating that aspect of the single life took a back burner to more meaningful pursuits. Gloria Steinem once said that energy not expended on sex gets channeled into other things. I’m shocked to admit that she’s right. Time not spent under a man morphed into days passed writing books and articles…mentoring authors…nurturing quality relationships with relatives and friends…managing the chronic ailments of an aging yellow Labrador retriever. The fruits of that labor became the true measure of this single woman’s worth. One day, I realized that I’d need to take off my shoes in order to count the number of months that had passed since I had sex. Some days, I wonder if

I’d even be able to pick a penis out a lineup!

So, ladies, that’s how I became – for want of a better word – celibate. But please…don’t cry for me, Alphanistas. I’m getting a lot done. I’m just not doing it horizontally.

Author Wendy Coakley-Thompson is the DC Publishing Industry Examiner at Examiner.com. Check her out at http://www.examiner.com/x-6658-DC-Publishing-Industry-Examiner.


  1. Thanks for this, Wendy, and for coming out of the celibacy closet. I’m in it too, and its also self imposed. For a while I was really “un-celibate” so when it comes to sex now, I’m kinda like “I gave at the office.” And women sometimes give up the p*ssy because we want intimacy and love, not the physical kind. So I’m saving up for something really good. It’s been more than a year and I don’t even miss it, or the drama that it usually brings. Stay strong!

  2. Salena says:

    Great post! Good to know that I’m not the only one meeting men who just makes you want to forget about finding the one and focus on yourself. It’s so much more rewarding, and the results is a better you, with a lot more to offer. Like the writer said “a fine wine”.

  3. Nana says:

    Welcome to the club, Wendy. I’ve been celibate for around four years. Sex, for me, is like lobster: I love it, remember the taste but it’s not a part of my daily life anymore because I can’t afford it. And I can’t afford to deal with the confusion of sex in my life.
    I’m a Libra so I fall hard, love hard and did some crazy shit to hang on to the feeling because of how it felt to me. Fell into some non-reciprocal brothers and that cured me.
    Found other things to think about, other things to do and ended up falling back in love with me, a feeling I highly recommend to any woman who thinks she needs a man to feel worthy.
    It’s not a narcissistic love, it’s a I-want-you-to-love-me-like-I-love-me kind of love. I’ve restored my “gift status:” I’m too special to be given to just anyone.
    They call it celibacy. I call it concentrating on a self-sufficient love. And toys? That’s for kids and I’m perimenopausal. When God sends me a man who can give love (not sex) as good as he gets, I’ll consider rearranging my dust. Until then…

  4. EbonyLolita says:

    Wendy happy to see you’ve joined the Celibate club. We hold meetings every Friday night & serve Champagne w/cupcakes. LOL :O Good article, I have to agree that I’m a member of this club by default and have used the time on self improvement 🙂 Holding out for greatness while working on yourself is such an empowering feeling. Enjoy it as I will 🙂

    Love, EbonyLolita 😉

  5. Amoye says:

    I’ve honestly been considering taking this step. There have been times where I have withheld myself from sex for months and months. The longest I’ve went (in recent history) was probably 5 months. I’d like to say sex is only as major as we women make it. When you’re in a relationship, it’s probably a ritual activity, however when you’re single it probably comes up when you watch a steamy show/movie, allow yourself to be romanced by a cute guy, or just by really obsessing over and wanting it because you spend so much time listening to your girlfriend’s fabolous sex life! LOL, I’m just curious to know, how long you’ve been celibate? Also, when you get the urges, how do you surpress them? Are you currently dating someone? If so, how does he/she handle your decision to refrain from sexual activity? And my final question, do you ever feel the need to utilize toys to stimulate those womanly needs? LOL. I’m really considering joining the cobweb crew myself, I just want to be aware so I can prepare myself for what I’m going into.

    Thank you.

    PS You’re an awesome writer.

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