Category: Relationships

The “Sugar” Is In the Money, Not…

Let’s face it lots of people are struggling right now, but not everyone.  I once heard a man say:  “A woman should never be broke”.

Huh?  Well, if you think about it, it does make some sense.  He was pointing out that a woman will always have something a man will pay for or a woman is more likely to get financial help than a man.  So, let’s look at this.

It all brings up the question of whether it’s okay to have sex for money.  Not in a street walking kind of way, but in a sort of arrangement.  Follow me.  Benefactor.  Sponsor.  Sugardaddy.  Are women who choose these relationships, bad?  They say that they want to have a monetary exchange for their time with a well-paid, damn it, rich man.  But it’s not prostitution because it’s more than sex but a business arrangement.

For instance, the typical sugar daddy relationship is one where a very wealthy, rich, or influential man “takes care of” the needs of a young, beautiful, ambitious girl who “takes cares of” him.  Some of these relationships are successful, many aren’t.  However, in one that I am privy to, the sugar baby ended up saving all the stacks her sugar daddy gave her and owns several turn-key businesses that she bought with his additional help.  He, in turn, received good sex, companionship, and no headaches.  Also, he enjoyed helping her.  It took them 3 months, a trip to Tahiti, before they even had sex (in Tahiti).  This isn’t typical but it happens.

So, are women bad who do this?  What about women who have sex to make a man commit to them?  What about women who sleep around with no clear objectives but “having fun”?   In the sugar daddy/baby case it is “arranged”, it is expected so there’s very little surprises about expectations.  There are actually sites for women who want this type of lifestyle like www.seekingarrangment.com where they claim to verify that a man is indeed high net worth.

90% of people will tell you this is bad because 1) they never had the guts 2) they never will 3) the only thing they got to bargain that anyone would want is a $10 Starbucks card.  If you look closely, at the end of the day, most people are seeking arrangements with their heart or wallets.

(Next scheduled post at 2:30p)

How An Escort Can Save Your Relationship

 

A classic!  Enjoy!

_______________

By Guest Blogger @ebonybodyworks

Why do men cheat, especially with escorts?

This is the million dollar question of the day.  The question that’s been asked by Oprah, Redbook, Essence Magazine, Dr. Phil, and a host of other sources trying to get to the bottom of this domestic issue.

And the answer is (Drum roll Please)

Variety….

Every man has his own reason for wanting to participate in this particular vice, and it’s not always for reasons that you may think of like sex and perversion.  Because lets face it- If it’s only about sex, he can do that alone and at home, for free.  More than likely, the answer lies somewhere between lack of intimacy and the love of variety, and for the men that want variety, there’s really no exact cure unless he gets caught.

Men that desire variety can cheat forever, and that’s why you have men that “Hobby” (industry term) for 10, 20, and 30 years.  It’s the excitement of being with someone new, without having to do the whole courting and dating thing.

Then you have the men that come to us due to lack of intimacy at home, or the embarrassment of having a particular kink or fetish that his wife may find repugnant.  [Use your imagination here]

Men come to us for the openness, the acceptance, the excitement.  And some men come for the adrenaline rush of having done something naughty…. like cheat.

In the end, the wife may be asking me or herself; how can I keep this from happening to me?  After being in my line of work for 5 years, I learned a few things.  Here are some suggestions:

– Keep lines of communications open at all times. Make it so that he’s comfortable telling you his deepest darkest secrets.

– Don’t judge him so much.  Seem interested in the things that he’s interested in, even if those things seem ridiculous to you.  Fake it!

– Make his surroundings good to come home to.  Have Incense, candles, jazz music, and his favorite drink available.  Even with my “primary partner”, he can come over at any given time and my house is ALWAYS clean, incense are burning, jazz music is playing, and I’m laid back chilling with one of my favorite drinks in hand.  And guess what?  He pulls up a seat and sticks a round!

– Be more feminine and learn to lower your voice.  This is by far the best secret when it comes to men.  Men love it when you talk to them in a NON confrontational tone.  I NEVER raise my voice above its laid back tone (because I like my blood pressure to be nice and normal).

Last but not least…..

-Have fun with your man.  Laugh with him, make him laugh.  We as black women take everything so serious like the apocalypse is tomorrow.  Do things that you and him wouldn’t normally do like have dinner at a burlesque club or a Jazz bistro. Watch porn together, go to strip clubs together.  If you’re adventurous, then participate in amateur night and give him a lap dance.

There are so many different ways to please your man, and everyday you should be brainstorming ideas to keep the spice alive, and those juices flowing.  I’m constantly brainstorming for new and exciting ideas because I want them to keep coming back, and you should be NO different.

Because lets face it- once he starts looking on Craigslist for hookers and hook-ups, you’re losing, not winning.

by @ebonybodyworks on Instagram

WEEKEND REWIND: How To Tame An “Alphanista”

By Guest Blogger Te-Erika Patterson

If you’re up for a challenge, your relationship with an Alphanista will be the most frustrating, yet exhilarating ride that you’ve ever experienced- that is, if you know how to navigate the rocky terrain.

Sometimes I meet men who have so much potential but they just don’t get it. With a free spirit like me, you have to operate differently. The same rules that you’ll use with the average woman who uses her skills in the kitchen or the bedroom to snag her man won’t work with me.

Although there will never be a definitive guide to taming an Alphanista, (because she can not be tamed) following these suggestions will get you closer to your goal- the rest is up to God.

Be Consistent
You have to be consistent, mainly because I’m not. My preferences or taste buds can shift whenever the wind blows and I am energized by the complete freedom to change my mind on a whim. It’s challenging enough to wake up and decide what I want out of life “today” so I need a man who means what he says and does what he promises to do, day in and day out. Since most people alter their opinions to match mine, a man who is consistent with his preferences, expectations and actions provides the kind of structure that translates erotically.

Say Yes
You don’t say “no” when I see something pretty because you don’t have to. Your finances are not shaken by the state of the economy because your resources are long and strong. Even if you do lose out on a business venture, you have 5 more right behind it that are flourishing. You believe I deserve the best that life has to offer and you know it’s your responsibility to give it to me. I’m your fantasy woman and you’re not about to spoil your dream come true by not being able to give me my heart’s desires.  There’s nothing that delights you more than watching my eyes twinkle as I give you a kiss after trying on one of your sparkly gifts or receiving a phone call from a business connection that you supplied. Thank you!

Correct Me
Yes, I do run shit in most situations and it is completely within my reach to do so elegantly but spending so much time teaching and molding others can take a toll on the psyche of an Alphanista. Don’t abuse this gift but I want to give you the secret; I like
being taught and corrected by my man. If you can teach me something that will add to the success of my business endeavors I will definitely keep you around longer. And…every once in while, I need to be reminded that I am a mere mortal. An intentional, open handed smack to my rump will revitalize me and I will thank you for it.

Feed Me
I like to eat. You bring the food. That’s your job every single day. Show up to my place empty handed and that proves you don’t give a damn about me or my well-being. Goodbye.

Let It Slide
Sometimes the line between work and play can be blurred, at least in my mind. I have to be the hard ass to get things done and sometimes I carry that attitude home with me. I apologize in advance but you will just have to learn to deal with it. Don’t fight me on it. Let me rant and rave and try to strong arm you into doing the dishes. Instead of overanalyzing my requests- Do the dishes. It doesn’t take away from your role as my man. When I come down off of my power trip, I’ll realize what I’ve done and you’ll benefit from an apology you’ll never forget.

Let Me Love You
Yes, I have a whole list of people whose main desire is to please me but I have a sweet side too. I want to spoil you and pamper you and be your trophy too. I want you to brag to your friends about how well I take care of you and how much I add to your success. Don’t fight me when I want to do something nice for you. You deserve it just as much as I do. Let me take you on a trip and buy you something nice. Let me sweep you off your feet. Allow me to use my powers for good in appreciation for the wonderful man that you are. Let me love you in all of the extravagant, calculated ways that I know how because…I want to. Isn’t it your job to give me what I want? Uh huh…That’s right.

Read more about this writer at www.te-erika.blogspot.com.

Weekend Rewind: Leave Your Man Alone This Sunday

Especially, if he’s an alpha…

This Sunday is Superbowl.  The alpha female is doing one thing:  she’s out.

Time after time I keep reading how women are spending Superbowl Sundays with their man and his friends, and manning the background like Mamie.  Can’t these men be left alone for one day?  For instance, a very alpha thing to do would be to throw your own Superbowl party for the wives, girlfriends, or singles only.  You can do this in the basement of the same house or at another person’s house, like a beta, so she’d do all the cleaning up afterwards.

Basically, the thing is to let the men have their day.  Always seek opportunities to foster space between the two of you.   It’s a fact that the more time people spend apart the more time they spend together in thought bonding the relationship on a deeper level.  This is even more important if you live together.  Sure, work is one way of spending time apart but everyone needs time to foster their own interests, so they can come back and share.   Beta men hate this because it brings up feelings of inadequacy on their part and many wouldn’t know what to do out of their routine.   Alpha men crave cave time.   Out of sight, is not out of mind with a man you talk to several times a day.

But of course, there are women who insist they are football fans, too and must be with their man on that day or the sky will fall.  The excuse to stay is “Oh, I’ll cook for ya’ll.”  But you can still cook, set it out all out, and bounce.  A man may not tell you, but he’d rather just sit around with his friends, cuss, drink, fart and eat without you walking around or sitting around giving them the side eye.   They want to talk about the stacked cheerleaders or chick in the commercial or call a player a “bitch” every now and then without worrying about you.

For those of you who make this a tradition with your man, so be it.  If you have no man, and are invited to a party then by all means go.  You can also stay in and just make it a regular Sunday if you can’t be bothered or let him go alone.  This can also be your day to really flutter about doing things that make you feel good without anyone checking in for at least 6 hours.   This is for those ladies who feel they MUST keep a tight leash on their man on any day of the year.   Get out the house that day.  Find your own bar, pub, with friends and do your thing. Come home and take care of your man, then.  Hopefully, his team has won and he’ll be in a “up” mood.

It’s All In Your Head

By Guest Blogger Mila

I just watched P.S. I Love You, the movie with Hillary Swank and Gerard Butler.

I cried throughout the whole movie. Despite the pile of wadded tissues I built up, the movie was very good! I recommend watching it if you haven’t already. The opening scene consists of a big fight between Butler (who plays Gerry) and Swank (who plays Holly), who are a married couple. I thought the scene was hilarious in its realistic portrayal of couples arguing.

Swank plays a woman who likes to plan everything out and have things organized the way she likes. Butler plays an easy-going Irish hunk who just loves to crack jokes and play his wife songs on his guitar. When they fight, it builds up into more than what their initial argument was about. They start to pull in past arguments and pick at all these little things. My favorite lines go something like this-

Swank: “Do you want to leave? Then leave!”
Butler: “NO I don’t want to leave. Do YOU want me to leave?”
Swank: “No, but if you want to leave then leave. You know you already want to leave.”
Butler: “Well if you want me to leave then I’m leaving.”
Swank: “FINE leave.”

Catch the miscommunication there? I laughed out loud because I can think of many people (including me) who do this when they fight. You create huge arguments in your head, when the actual argument at hand isn’t really that bad. The best thing to do in a fight is to stay calm and rational. It’s so easy to pick on someone when you’re really mad. I’ll bring up little things that didn’t even bother me before. All of a sudden they become daggers I toss around in my argument. The truth is that little things aren’t really weapons in a fight. They just make things worse.

So, stay rational even when all you want to do is throw something at your man’s face. Remember what’s in your head and what’s actually the issue at hand.

Mila is in her twenties and lives and works in New York City. She loves writing, running, and good music. If there’s a dance party, she’s there.

Virgin Monologues: I’m A Virgin

Fotolia: © camrocker
Fotolia: © camrocker

Enjoy this classic!

Guest Blogger, Ms. G.  (26)

An alpha female can be a virgin and proud of it.

Today’s virgin is a strong woman. She is goal driven, meticulous, seeks justice for all, and is trustworthy. She is also pure in heart, spirit mind and soul. It is her job and duty to be the exactor of social justice and lead by example. You can believe that a man will never bring her down, her goals in life are to be the best daughter, sister, employer, employee, student, co-worker and human that she can ever be.

However, most of all today’s virgin is a woman on an ultimate mission, a mission that so many other powerful women that have come before her have undertaken. Nothing and absolutely nothing can deter her from this mission. There are two things. Only two things to remember about this woman. She will do anything and I mean any thing to protect the dignity and the sovereignty of her mission. What is this mission you ask? Well let me tell you.

Her mission is to be the best mother and lover she can be. This woman will go to many lengths to see that this happens. There is nothing in the world that she holds more sacred than her man, marriage and her children. Oh yes she is a professional, and she will work, but her children and husband will always come first.

NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

Here are some ways to make sure you stay a virgin:

1.    Make up your mind not to have sex before you go out with the girls.

2.    If a man wants to have a long-term relationship with you, be honest and tell him up front. If you want it, put a ring on it.

3.    Let every man know that you are open to talk and have fun, but not open for sex (that way they don’t have any expectations)

4.    Always try and go out with your man, don’t stay indoors and in intimate settings

5.    After a wonderful date, leave him at the door, no nightcaps.

6.    It is all in the body language; say you are sexy but not wanting.

(Stay tuned for more)
——————–

Weekend Rewind: ADVICE: My Man Doesn’t Call Me!

AX061506
Waiting By The Phone: This Has Got To Stop!

In honor of Valentine’s Day!  Enjoy this classic…

___________________________

I’m a 28 year old woman.

I make great money, have my own home and no children. I have an awesome boyfriend who is by all standards my equal. He’s 34, stable employment, a homeowner and childless. We’ve been together for a year and a half. We have a very fun relationship.

We go to every concert, every hot restaurant, last minute trips etc. My problem is that he rarely calls and when I say rarely I mean rarely. For example if I call him on Saturday to make plans on Thursday he’ll call me Thursday to make sure we’re still on. If I don’t call him I won’t talk to him. Also I only see him once a week. We work very different schedules (he works days and I work nights), but I would love if he made the effort to see me. You see I’ve always been independent. I don’t want a man to buy me what I can get for myself.

I don’t need a man under me 24/7. The small things in life are what make me happy. Like holding my hand or kissing me on the forehead. I know you’re thinking “well he’s cheating”. But I can say with certainty that he is not. I’ve dealt with enough men to see through even the slickest dog. I have unlimited access to his home and use it at my discretion. I know he’s not a phone person, but a 60 second phone call every now and then to let me know you’re thinking about me kinda brightens my day. I don’t want him to call me more or see me more because I asked him too, but because he wants to.

I’ve never encountered a problem like this with a man, so am I making too much out of nothing?

Signed,

Confused

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Confused:

It is something!

After a year and a half.

I can see maybe the first few weeks, even month. Or even for a casual-come and go-type thing. You call him your “boyfriend”. That means you think there is a relationship. Let’s start from the top: YOU. Because that is who is most important. You trained him to behave this way. I don’t see anything in the letter that says the calls “stopped” or he “used to” call. It seems as if this was the way it always was. Because of that, you need to revert back to the beginning of the relationship and pinpoint where you let this happen.

The man is only behaving according to what you accept. You accept this behavior. If somewhere down the line you had raised this concern for lack of communication and interest, he would either call you more or not. Being the “independent” woman you went right ahead and lied to yourself, like most do. Even in this letter it sounds like you don’t want him to call because “I dont want a man..” yada yada. You let this slide because of that.

You need to tell him it’s a year and half, CALL ME SOME F*ING TIME. Tell him you are ready for more without blaming him. Tell him you are ready for an intimate, close connection. If you can’t do that by now, or feel nervous, maybe there isn’t much of a relationship. I know several women who would’ve addressed this a long time ago, many are in happier relationships now. Go figure.

If he doesn’t get it or respond positively, you may want to consider “options”.   If you stay, please stop complaining and just deal. Don’t make the man’s life miserable because of your own decisions. Staying is a decision, accepting this is a decision, and leaving is one, too. Choose and live.

And never, ever, say you know anyone.There are married couples of 20 plus years still being surprised with the drama. It is very easy for a man to have two homes, two lives. Much easier with a woman like you, who is “independent” and never asks for more. Reflect and find out what is it about yourself that accepted this and why you want more now.You are  treating yourself like your second place, in turn, he’s reflecting that in his behavior.

Alphanista w/love,
MR

Just Because….Loyalty

 

This has been on my mind lately. Everyone loves Will and Jada. But the inside scoop is that these two are both bisexual, and partake in sexual activity outside of the marriage. It’s a rumor. Who knows. Everyone is free to negotiate their relationship.

However, I just respect the loyalty they have for each other. Loyalty is in a class by itself. It’s an age-old trait. Wars have started over loyalty or disloyalty and kingdoms have fallen.

When I think of loyalty I think of truth. You have to have a bottom line. Something that will never change. You know those mafia men? As murderous as some of them were, as much head they got outside the home, they still were loyal to the wife. They would never, ever leave. You have to ask yourself, mafia or not, why do some women stay?

They stay because loyalty is rare. Once you know you have a man who is loyal at any cost, it hooks you. [Note: We are not using being faithful and being loyal interchangeably. They are not the same!) We can intellectualize what is right or wrong about it. But when a man makes you feel like the queen, or the one, even his indiscretions seem like nothing more than distraction.

They stay because though the costs are high, with loyalty, there are always two winners.

Loyalty is love on a dimension that few people in this world will ever experience.

I remember back in my young whipper snapper days….there was a man that I was so in love with. For 5 years, I chased him. He was in a relationship. I remember during the whole time I “chased” him he never gave in. I would put down bait, he would never bite. I’d bad talk his woman for the hell of it, and he’d always stop me, “Yo, yo, yo…” That made me love him even more. It also made me more curious about her, because if he loved her like that, and I loved everything he loved, then she must be a cool chick. I wanted to be her. She was a teacher, I became a teacher. I wanted to know what made him so loyal. He never talked bad about her. I had to have him.

Some years later, he came for me. We broke up eventually but loyalty was never an issue. With all the dating books there are out there, no one ever says listen for loyalty. If all a man has is bad news about the women in his life, slow down. Think. No one was ever good enough? Everyone was just crazy, evil, selfish?

Denise Richards has a new book out now and she does not bad mouth Charlie Sheen at all. One of the reviewers, said they could see why a woman would marry Charlie. With all his vices (And Denise has them too!) he was there.

She is still a part of his life and there is a respect that she still has.

Remember, Mel Gibson’s ex wife coming out to speak on his behalf when his baby mama accused him of physical violence? She told the courts he was not an abusive husband in their 25 years of marriage. Case closed. That’s loyalty. Her word had more weight than friends, family or a baby mama. But what is more important is what was it about Mel that made her do that after all the pain he caused her?

In this world, you just can’t burn your bridges. When you do, you have nothing. If the only person who can speak good of you is your mama, check yourself.  Friends, and your former gym school teacher don’t count once you have lived a little.

Listen to the men who speak from love. Loyalty does not have an expiration date.

Read more about loyalty

Don’t Get Married

"wild women friends"

 

Recently, I read an article on Huffington Post about divorce.

That will be the LAST article I read about how bad marriage is…period.  It’s like there this effort out there to completely destroy the image of marriage.  Well, let me just say.  To be in a union is ingrained in our DNA.  The marketing of it over the last several years has been destructive and careless.  But it will never stop people from wanting it.  Even if they have to go off somewhere and start their own little colony.

Here’s a snippet:

Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely. And the happiest wives don’t spend a whole lot of time with their husbands.

This is so much bull.  Why wouldn’t a happy wife want to spend time with her husband?  Where is the time being spent?  Some private time is always important, but that is organic and happens on its own.  But to send this message that happy wives don’t spent alot of time with their husbands is out of context.  Has it been negotiated that time apart is okay?  If so, then fine.  But if people are just taking liberties to be away from their spouse to stay happy something is wrong. It’s selfish.  And maybe they need to be alone.

Here’s more:

Finally, the wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent about their husbands.

Who are these ladies?  LOL.  From my understanding, “wild women friends” are a problem.  I don’t even like “wild women friends”.  I rather travel with a husband  than with girlfriends.  Girlfriends can’t protect or lift heavy bags.  They can only complain and have too many ideas that confuse the plans.  This may work for some couples, but do believe it is not realistic or on a uniform basis.  And venting about your man to a circle of “wild women”.  Hell no.  No wonder why men prefer women with little or no friends (or family for that matter!).

Please monitor what you read out there, because everything printed is not gold.

 

First Lady Michelle’s Dating Advice?

Michelle: From Working Mom To Stay At Home Mom (Look Good, Girl!)

Recently, Michelle Obama gave some dating advice to women in Glamour (a publication I’ve written for), and she said this:

Cute’s good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it’s, Who are you as a person? That’s the advice I would give to women: Don’t look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn’t know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you’re dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. Get out of it and find that person that brings you complete and utter joy with who you are at the moment.

I always love Mrs. O’s advice.  I see what she is saying.  I also see how it can be misunderstood.  A man or woman cannot bring you “complete and utter joy” or “make you completely happy”.  They can, however, enhance what you already have and or feeling.  For example, if you are happy, then you are more happy with them, and if you are depressed, you will be more depressed because you’ll find situations to be depressed about.

That is what I believe she is saying.  Too many men and women lean on their partners for that “good feeling”.  I have done that, and when that comes up I realize I can’t call him to feel good it’s about me, my overall emotional chemistry.  What am I telling myself? What stories am I making up in my mind?  Definitely choose a man based on his character, but many women won’t.  They want the money, and the looks, the cars, and all that.  Just make sure however you get it, you are already “there” inside, and won’t hold anyone hostage in a relationship until they make you feel good.