Category: Career

ADVICE: Tall, Handsome, Successful Black Men…

maninsuitDear Alphanista,

I date men from different backgrounds.

I was recently dating this tall handsome, successful black guy.  He is Trinidadian like me.  Anyway I was just wondering [since I am no longer dating him]… Who is the girl that finds and keeps this type of man?  A man that has everything that a woman could want.  I was running through all the people I know and the hot good looking girls end up with ugly but successful guys.

Is that what I have to look forward to. Settling for some overweight or older guy? It’s really disturbing to me.

Any thoughts?

Just thinking,



*This is OPEN advice to give Misa as much perspective as possible before I chime in.  I already know what I’m gonna say!  (Lawd)

5 Things To Do Before You Meet Your Alpha

Your alpha will have high expectations simply because you have high expectations of him.

He meets them, and expects the same.  He’s not unreasonable and definitely doesn’t care if your bra and panties match or if you missed a pedicure or two.  They are not typical men caught up on detail and emotional ramblings about things.  However, alpha males love order, and appreciate structure, especially in the home.  They admire it and recognize it.

The below are some suggestions to establish order around your home.  This is just the tip of the iceberg, but a good weekend start:

1.  Clean out your refrigerator

Nothing worse than a man opening your fridge and seeing weeks old butter, Chinese takeout, and spill marks all over the place, get it right!

2.  Stock up on condoms, lubricants, candles, incense

Anything you need to practice safe sex, do not wait for the last minute or expect him to bring it, it’s your body.  Your alpha male will see this as tactful and logical behavior, not judgmental.  Candles and incense create ambiance and a relaxing mood for your alpha.

3.  Clean and wipe your bathroom sink and toilet bowl down every morning

Doing the quick 30 second wipe down before a guest comes over should not be protocol.  Where they ask you to use the bathroom and you tell them to wait.  You can do this as you brush your teeth in the morning.  It will take 2 minutes.   It only takes longer if you leave it for weeks and do it all at once.

4.   Stock up on beer, wine, lemonade

Consider what your alpha would like–is he a beer person or a wine man?  Is he strictly cognac?  Or does he prefer a green drink?  Whatever it is stock up.  I have Guinness, Henny, and Grand Marnier.

5.  Fix your bedroom up

Simply because nothing says “dried up spinster” like a bare bedroom, that is bland, has 1 pillow, and 1 nightstand, dark, ugly sheets.   Buy extra pillows, 2 nightstands, and make your room ready for a couple, not just you!

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Weekend Rewind: Alphanista Career Q & A: Crazy Boss!

facebookBy Guest Blogger Wendy Coakley-Thompson

Q:  I logged on to Facebook a couple of weeks ago and noticed a friend request from my boss. This shocked the hell out of me. First of all, I don’t know how she found me there. But the request is troubling, because the woman is hell on heels. Think Miranda Priestley from The Devil Wears Prada – minus the talent and good looks. If she was consistently crazy, then I could get used to her. But this woman is like a box of chocolates; you truly don’t know what you’re going to get from one day to the next. This on top of the borderline racist things she’s said and done, like touching my hair on the sneak tip as if I wouldn’t notice. Or telling me she’s assigning me to projects strictly because both the client and I happen to be Black, like that would give her some kind of advantage.  I’ve prayed about it. I’ve tried to ignore her or treat her like I was raised right. I’ve even asked my friends for advice.

But those friends tell me that I can’t fight crazy with common sense. The only bright spot in my day is leaving her crazy ass and coming home to the safety of social networking. Now I have to see her hideous mug on Facebook. I’m afraid that if I don’t confirm her, I’ll be committing career suicide and exposing myself to a whole other level of insanity. I need this job. Plus crazy boss aside, I love my work. What should I do?

I think you already know the answer to your question.

If your boss is “hell on heels” in the reality of the cube farm, what makes you think she’ll be any less insane in cyberspace? Think of everything you put on your Facebook page. You’d be giving this woman license to pry into your life and spy on you. Don’t think employers don’t do it already. From Googling employees to running credit and background checks on them, employers find reasons to be all up in your life. You only have to type boss+Facebook+friend into your favorite search engine to find reasons why accepting this woman’s friend request is not a good idea. Why would you give the nails for your own coffin to someone who you characterize as a “crazy ass”?

So, what can you do? Door Number One: Accept the friend request anyway and invite this woman into your personal life – not recommended. Door Number Two: Decline the request, with a polite message that reads something like “Thanks, but I prefer to keep my work and private lives separate.” You take your chances with this ballsy move, but you have to weigh the possibility of incurring your boss’s wrath against safeguarding your personal life. Or, Door Number Three, just let the friend request sit there on your home page as ammunition for a possible lawsuit, should it come to that.

And from what you say about this woman, the possibility of litigation doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

Either way, Alphanistas act decisively. If you choose Doors Two or Three and still lose your job, you’ll know that, like a true Alpha female who sticks to her guns, you went out on your feet – not on your knees.

Author Wendy Coakley-Thompson is the DC Publishing Industry Examiner at Check her out at


Make Lemonade Out Of Occupational Lemons

womancareer2By Guest Blogger  Wendy Coakley-Thompson

Some time ago, I wrote Five Alphanista Things to Do When You Get Laid Off.

The first comment I received on the piece came from The Hooker Chronicles, who said she tells people sensing a layoff to start their own businesses. According to Chronicles, “In the age of the Internet and social networking sites, this is the perfect opportunity to start networking with people.”

Apparently, The Hooker Chronicles is on to something. More and more of my friends who’ve been told not to let the doorknob hit them where the good Lord split them on the way out have decided to freelance  instead of taking yet another thankless corporate gig. Donald O. Graul Jr., Executive Director of American Independent Writers (AIW) here in DC, says that freelancing is a popular career move in this recession.

Why? Because both employers and freelancers get over like a fat rat. Employers can hire a freelancer without having to pay for pesky things like benefits and a workspace. On the flip side, freelancers can sign on only for work they want to do. It’s a win-win for everyone.

One person making lemonade out of occupational lemons is Rakia Clark. In January of this year, Kensington Books laid her off from her position as Editor.  Rather than cry in her Cosmopolitan, Clark launched her own web site and blog, got her business affairs in order, and hung out her proverbial shingle as a freelance editor and proposal writer. USA Today even documented Clark’s career change in its March 13 Money section.

Clark is so successful that her biggest challenge is finding the time to do all of the work that constantly falls into her lap. Also, rather than feel the isolation that some people who freelance experience, Clark says that her fellow freelancers have not only welcomed her, they pass work her way from time to time.

Clark and others like her show that it’s what you make of adversity that determines your level of success.  As the old slogan goes – lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink!

Author Wendy Coakley-Thompson is the DC Publishing Industry Examiner at Check her out at

12 days to the “Alphanista Inner Circle”–a 6 month members only site!

To find out more and for FREE tips via email fill out below!


A Brief Guide to Self-Care

womanwithfoodLet’s start with food.

If you work 9-5, how do you feed yourself during the week?  Coming home to good, wholesome meals make the days go by faster and make them just a bit sweeter.  But how can you cram all that in with just a few hours a night to yourself after a long day?

You plan ahead!  Here are some tips below.

1)  Cook an extra meal you can freeze on every other Sunday.  This meal may be taken to lunch or eaten for dinner days or weeks later.  Best foods to make and freeze are pastas, and Mexican foods like enchiladas, quesadillas, burritos, etc.

2)  Invest in plastic wrap and parchment paper to go with foil.  These tools will help you safely freeze food for later consumption.

3) Cook brown rice a few days in advance, like Sunday.  And fill in with fresh foods–meats, veggies or both during the week.  By Tuesday, Wed, cook some more rice or a completely new dish.

4)  Go to Costcos, BJs, Trader Joe’s and stock on those frozen sides like:  asparagus, spring rolls, sweet potato fries, potatos au gratin, etc.  Then all you have to do is make a main.

5) Buy a whole precooked chicken and make sandwiches for lunch and dinners through the week.

Treat yourself to takeout on Fridays and weekends.  You’ll feel much better doing this after a full week of self care.  Reward yourself!

Extra tip: You also may opt for prepackaged foods and health programs like Medifast.

ADVICE: Should I Tell My Former Boss?

womanadviceDear Alphanista,

I have a great job and work with some amazing people- so I am definitely happy where I am, but it’s still necessary to look to the future and think strategically.

Shauna (my former boss) and I both still work at the same company and under the same supervisor. I was promoted from being her assistant. Shauna was very instrumental in helping me to get to where I am today and, has consistently given me excellent work and career advice. However, it’s now my turn to fight for myself.

I am tempted to go to Shauna for advice because she was once in my shoes and she knows our boss and how to relate to him. It’s one thing to read advice columns in business trades and on career oriented blogs but, those people don’t necessarily work in your industry nor do they know your boss.

My concern is that I’m no longer her assistant but a colleague, which means we’re competing for dollars from the same pool but, I don’t consider myself a direct threat to Shauna as she’s still one or two titles ahead of me. My other concern is that alpha’s don’t always make their intentions known, asking her for advice would do that.

I do recognize that now may be a good time to focus on a side hustle but, until the side business takes off, you’ve still got to keep your day job. Should I ask my former boss for advice about how to position myself for my next promotion?




Dear Kayla:

You have to move strategically with this one.

Do not get too comfortable with anyone at work.  They are your colleagues, first and foremost, not necessarily friends.  With that said, keep your relationship with Shauna cordial, but focused.  Would you tell all your office colleagues your plan for promotion?  Probably not.  People talk and sabotage.  If not directly, then indirectly by putting doubt and resistance in your mind. Unless Shauna has a part in the decision making of your promotion, she really doesn’t need to know.  Your email also suggests that you may believe this, too.

You and Shauna are not that far about in titles.  It’s one thing advising a new college graduate at the same company, and another advising a young, bright professional who is on the fast track to success.   You are transitioning from that assistant to a professional.  You will not always be behind her at work, things can change.  How would that change your relationship?  People think about these things and may not disclose it.

However, I do believe you can get something out of Shauna.  Get her to talk about herself.  When she does, you’ll be able to derive your own answers about your boss.  You have to be savvy though.  Try something like this: “Hey, Shauna, there’s been lots of changes around here, how do you feel about it?”

The questions are general, but would get her talking about the climate and possibilities.  She may be negative and that is a red flag to NEVER tell her your intention, but if not, listen carefully, and ask more questions.  You’ll find out about your boss.  The other alternative is simply deal with your boss, whether it’s him or another in the future, you have to approach these situations one on one.  Prepare a list of reasons why you should be promoted and set up a meeting.  You can also wait for your review, go over it with him, and bring it up then.

In the meantime, play it cool.

With love,


5 Alphanista Things to Do When You Get Laid Off


By Guest Blogger, Author Wendy Coakley-Thompson

In two decades in the workplace, I’ve been laid off three times – coincidentally when there was a President Bush in office.

It’s not so bad at first. You experience jubilation at sleeping in and watching all the Oprah you can stand. Then, worry sets in, along with sleeplessness… and the realization that you’ve watched all the Oprah you can stand. Being laid off sucks.

If you’ve recently lost your job, you’re not alone. According to the Bureau of Labor and Statistics, as of March of this year, the unemployment rate rose to 8.5%. Since December of 2007, like magician David Copperfield just went POOF, 5.1 million jobs disappeared!  Lately, it seems like people who haven’t been laid off are the anomaly. If you’re among the 5.1 million, listen up. Here’s what worked for me when I found myself out of a job:

1.    Freak out. Allow yourself to feel badly and act out – within reason, of course. You’ve experienced a devastating loss; accept the freak-out as part of the grieving process. Trust me; the freak-out is coming anyway. You might as well get it over with now, on your own terms, so that you can focus on what you have to do.

2.    Assess Your Resources. Whether it’s time, money, contacts, etc., see what type and amount of these resources you have at your disposal. This will drive how long you allow for your freak-out and how much time you have to get to Step #5.

3.    Re-examine your career goals. The last time I was laid off, I used that time to ask myself what exactly I wanted to do with my life. Maybe you want to be an actor instead of a nurse, or a teacher… or an instructional designer. Use this time to find out. If you still want to be a lineman for the county, that’s fine too.

4.    Connect with family and friends. Oprah just aired a show on Dan Buettner’s book The Blue Zones, where more people over the age of 100 tend to live than anywhere else on the planet. One thing centenarians in all five blue zones have in common is their strong interpersonal networks. Back to you. The worst thing you can do at this time is to shut people out. You mightn’t live to be 100, but strengthening your interpersonal connections keeps your mind off your own problems and lessens your stress and worry.

5.    Plan your attack on the job market. Now that you’ve gone through Steps #1-4 and done the up-front work, you are ready for your strategic assault on the classifieds,,,, headhunters, and your connections in the workplace. Having a healthy mindset increases your likelihood of scattering your precious seeds only on the fertile ground of employers who are ready for you.

Of course, for some, this might not be a linear process. But it’s what worked for this Alphanista. The chances are good that it might work for you too.
Good luck!

Author Wendy Coakley-Thompson is the DC Publishing Industry Examiner at Check her out at

What To Do About Clingy, Female Admirers

womenfriendsBy Guest Blogger, Amoye

As an alpha with an advanced sense of self, you’ll find yourself in situations where certain people will see your self-love, and worship you.

They will fall in love with you. Yes, they will really love you. No. They are not your family, and they are not your childhood friends. These are people who for some reason cannot get enough of you. Admirers. They come in the form of persistent men, adolescents looking for an idol or annoying, aggravating, clingy coworkers.

At one time I went through an experience with an extremely clingy coworker. As soon as I started the position at my job, she immediately gravitated towards me. It could have been the type of energy I project or her personal trauma, or a combination of both. She just would not leave me alone.

As soon as I got in if she didn’t phone to say “Hey Girl”, there would be an email sitting in my inbox, complimenting my outfit or asking how my evening went or how my day is going. After a delayed or non-existent response, she’d get frustrated and either approach me with a frown or do something to get my attention. By lunchtime, she’d show up at my desk with her lunch or money in her hand ready to go for lunch; without asking whether or not I wanted to give her company. At the end of the day she would wait around for me and attempt to make small talk. Lucky for me I was good at coming up with excuses when it came time for going home.

She added me on Facebook. I ignored her friends request twice. I eventually closed down my facebook for a few weeks to see if she would just forget about me. But she didn’t. I followed my daily routine, came to work, kept it professional, no compliments, no chitchats, just straight to my reports. But she didn’t catch a hint.

It got to the point where when I ignored or brushed her off; she would search through my garbage or check my emails. She was making every attempt to get my attention. All I could do was smile and be friendly with her. I tried not to treat her like a deranged psycho, but it was hard. Every time I looked at her I felt pity. So I sympathized and listened to her excessive stories about her life. I thought okay, maybe if you know what she’s doing/thinking she won’t attack you, and on the other end, it’s never good to burn bridges, especially within my line of work. But that plan backfired.

She started to tell everyone in the office that we were best friends and that she loved me. I lost it, snapped on her one day and told her to please stay away from me. After this she went on and tried to sabotage my job. She told my manager that I wasn’t doing work-related tasks and that she would be a better candidate for my job. Ha! I realized that if I wanted to keep my job, and my good reputation, I had to be intelligent about the situation and regain her friendship.

I thought, well “You can’t please everyone. You can’t make everyone happy. But you sure as hell can fool them into thinking you give a damn about them.” So, I took it upon myself to take her to the side, pour my heart out to her and make up a fake story about my life. We “bonded” again, and instead of her being obsessed with my seemingly “perfectness” she saw me as just as flawed and messed up as her, so she sort of backed up off me.

To this day she’s still pretty annoying, but it’s bearable. Lesson I learned; When you appear too perfect, or too in control, you get unnecessary attention from weak women too insecure to build upon themselves. Think as an alpha around these types of people, but don’t show it as openly.

Guest Blogger Amoye is a writer and thinker from Toronto Canada. She doesn’t care too much for fancy titles, but is also a recent university graduate, artist and entrepreneur.

Weekend Rewind: A Good Man Marries By 35

Chose to "wait" to get married, now look at him

Happy 4th!  Enjoy this classic!


There used to be a time where there was just a bunch of single women over 35.  Now, it seems like more and more men are single over 35.  At first look it may not be such a bad thing, but at a closer look, it’s just bad.

I was talking to a distinguished gentlemen at a “obama” party recently who is 35 and married with 2 children and a successful lawyer with his own practice, and a very nice writer wife, who said, “a good man marries at 35, the rest you don’t want”.

It could just be a married man hating, but it rings true at times.  Most men say they are “waiting” for the right woman to come along, while they grow grey hairs, their belly gets larger, and their bad habits get more ingrained.  I didn’t know men were supposed to “wait” for anyone.  At 30, testosterone drops so the passivity may have something to do with it.

Obama married before 30, and they waited until their 30s to have kids.  They had a plan.  And you see, kids and family didn’t stop this man from the most ambitious career path on the planet.  So that knocks out the excuse that kids and family would slow a man down.  If anything marrying before 35 gave him perspective, focus, and passion.  He had kids and a wife.  How much more drive does one need?

Not surprisingly, alpha males usually have no problem with this because they need to control their environment, a very “alpha” reason.

Imagine if Obama was single at 35 with 3000 female Facebook friends living the life on the go, do you know that man, with those stories floating around out there with women, would not have a chance.  Let’s not mention the scorned girlfriend who’d post his texts on her Facebook page for a few stacks from the Enquirer.

Now, I’m also understanding why older women marry younger men.  There’s more focus, passion, and more testosterone.  If you’re an older gal, you can also get pregnant quicker by a younger man.  Has to do with sperm quality.  Look it up.

But compromise.  As we get older, it’s something, particularly men say they don’t want to do when they get married.  Sounds borderline sociopath to me because compromise is one of the ways folks get along in this world.  These types are usually never alone, but always lonely.   And the “i’m picky” type, really means I don’t trust myself.

So, if you see a single man over 35, definitely entertain–especially if he’s been married before or has a reasonable excuse for being unmarried at 40 plus.   But stay focused and listen to your gut.  He should be talking about marriage in general early in the dating phase, asking questions about yourself, future, and being two things–consistent and persistent.  The good thing about a man over 35 who is healthy, well rounded, and loves the idea of family and being with a woman, is that they’ll marry you quick….