Weekend Rewind: Can Men Tell Women How To Be Women?

Hill Harper, Letters to A Young Sister


By Guest Blogger, Gloria Vanner

That is not my real name . You won’t know who I am, but what I am about to write can change your life forever.

Here’s my story first.  But I’m going to skip some of the standard parts:  I’m educated, single, beautiful, yada yada.  When I was in my 20s, I was about partying, hanging with ballers, searching for rich men, and pretty much having the time of life.  I let some great men slip by because they didn’t have “enough”  or looked good “enough”.  Fast forward, 10 years.  I have a fly condo I in Lower Manhattan, a benz, and six figure a year job, no kids, a puppy, and I sleep alone every night.  Oh, let me correct that.  I used to sleep alone.

My family and friends always push the best for me.  What I had was never “enough”.  I couldn’t just graduate college I had to be in the top 5.  I couldn’t just have a man, but he had to be a childless, 6 foot 4, CEO/homeowner/yachtowner/who basically had lots of free time on his hands to be at my beck and call.  I hope you know that this is nearly impossible.  This is part of the “dream” so many women have.  It’s NOT true.  Once you wake up from that dream, that’s when life really begins.  Those qualities are not called standards, they are “jailers” that keep you confined and limited, and always, ALWAYS, the same.

When you read magazines, or books like Act Like A  Woman, Think Like A Man by Steve Harvey and Letters To A Young Sister by Hill Harper, they forget to tell you that.  I will never be duped by anything but the truth. A man cannot teach me to be a woman, and vice versa.  Once women stop buying this garbage, will they know that they already had all the answers, just refused to believe it.  You don’t have to “behave” a certain way to get married, just watch the show Bridezillas.  Totally defunct women, who are still finding love and acceptance.

If these books are not saying all of that, then it’s worthless.  I want to read more books written by happy women who show how THEY did it.  Let me explain.

I have a wonderful relationship right now with a man who sort of just walked in my life while I was home.  A friend suggested him for me.  I didn’t meet him at the club, at the mall, online or on a boatride or party.  I had seen my friend many times before, and she never suggested this person for me.  She is NOT one to hook people up, but she herself is in a happy relationship so there was no need for her to feel threatened.  She bought him up casually one day.   Since I reached out, me and this man have been inseparable.  He has been more of a man to me than I have ever had.  He treats me like gold, speaks to me gently, listens to me, but he also teaches me, leads me, and *&cks the hell out of me on a regular basis.  Could I ask for more?  Well, he’s not a millionaire, but an intelligent man with a respectable job, owns property, has a small modest business, he’s working on growing, and was previously married. We are currently designing our life and future right now.  Long talks on the phone, planning, anticipating.   He’s vulnerable and ready.  I wouldn’t trade him in for anything.

So, my point?  Don’t worry about  what books tell you.  I didn’t have a 3 month waiting period, or a Wednesday cut off date for a date.  I didn’t put myself on the market and perch myself at events to meet monied men.  Broaden your options, that is what it’s really about.  Single women call it settling, hence, why they are single.    Most of these women will NEVER get married.  That job, that money, that look is not what will get you a husband or  a partner.  It’s how you much you allow yourself to broaden your options and plan strategically.  What you need at 25, you don’t need at 35.  I do hope you know the difference.   Don’t buy into the hype and marketing that SINGLE men push.   Or the hype that makes it look easy, cute, and sexy.  It is not.  I have been there.  I didn’t want to be single, and have always been a woman built for companionship.  I know there are some women who are not, and more power to them.  I do not want to be them for a day.  I like being vulnerable, feminine, wise, and respected, protected and loved by a man.

At the end of the day, if you are single, it’s only your fault.  All the degrees and acumens are not going to make you look less crazy than a woman who is and lives alone with her cats or dog.

BOTTOM LINE: Free Yourself.

Guest Blogger “Gloria Vanner” lives in Manhattan and is currently engaged.


  1. omg says:

    why is being a single woman incompatible with being feminine, wise, respected, vulnerable, and loved by a man?

    you know, there are women who are married who are masculine, stupid, disrespected, guarded, and hated by a man. really, they do exist. lol!

    and just because you are married today, does not mean you will be married tomorrow. and since women outlive men, that chance that you’ll die single is pretty high. so, be prepared to be living with your dog and/or cat.

    there truly are some silly, delusional women running around, even the ones who dream about getting married, are engaged, or married to the person they thought they always wanted to be with. thankfully, i’m not one of them.

  2. DawleyPardon says:

    I so agree with Gloria on this. I also want to cover the women who settles too low so I found this article very very very insightful.

  3. CamE says:

    I very much agree with the article. Although, i understand why men feel they have to give women advice, but we as women should know the strength and power we have. We have proven time and time again that we can do things just the same and much better then men. We all were given a brain to think, we just have to use it and understand that sometimes the so called advice is just a quick way for men to make a dollar because they know that woman will relate and read the things that they say.

  4. Athena Nike says:

    Hill Harpers book to the young men was all fluff, so I didn\’t even bother to look into the new book. Men who write books just talk about what THEY want in women, on a very general level. Then turn around and date/marry the complete opposite of what they praised in the book, like the Drake video.

  5. EbonyLolita says:

    Ahhhh a strong dose of truth. I appreciate it and will be following it 🙂 Im making strong strides ladies. I’m “opening myself up” to other ethnicities. I left my borough and ventured out to allow my weave to blow in the wind elsewhere. Nothing like a change of scene to boost some positive energy for romance 🙂
    Love EbonyLolita 😉

  6. Ms Stiletto says:

    I agree with Gloria. Single women choose to stay single, but I find it hard to get with an unattractive man even though he may be a good guy. I already know that’s shallow.

  7. soledtress says:

    Gloria this was a great post! Thank you for sharing. I do like to read all points of relationship views/advice from both men and women (married/single), and if the info is good its good. So I am waiting to read YOUR book! 🙂

  8. Nukirk says:

    Well, my point of view is rather simple: I can’t relate to a woman. I can only relate to a man. I can’t advice a woman from a man’s point of view as far as herself, but I can advice a woman from a man’s point of view as far as another man. So, I never really understood what Harvey and Harper was trying to do.

    Anywayz, I wrote this poem about my search for love. I shared this with Mary Ann earlier while reading this and she thought it would be nice to share with you.


    I hope you like it.

  9. Zabeth says:

    I agree with Gloria. From my experience, I don’t think a single man (no matter his ethnicity) is going to be real with a woman about what she needs to do to find the type of relationship she wants. He’s a man, he can’t relate to being a woman.

    I’d much rather take advice from a woman who has already achieved the things that I want to achieve. The problem though is that women are socialized not to trust other women and to view women as competition for men. Hence why we are more apt to want to take advice from men.

  10. What happen to communication and compromise?

    That’s 90% of the problem that we face with our men. And just because he’s single and black doesn’t mean he has nothing valid to share. Thats crazy thinking right there. REAL CRAZY

  11. Gloria says:

    I respect your opinion but listening to SINGLE black men is going to keep women more single. If their advice is so good, why haven\’t they \”molded\” a sister to their delight. It\’s hypocritical. So nobody out there meets their standards?

  12. Although I agree with the basics of this post, I will say that it’s beneficial if a woman is open to suggestion when a man has some to offer.

    I don’t mind being molded by my man if it’s beneficial to the strength of our relationship.

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