Beauty and School Are Not Enough To Keep A Man


I left this comment at NecoleBitchie, and figured why not share here?

It was a post about another media story (ABC NEWS) concerning single Black women.  Am I the only one tired of this song?  At the end, it always ends up as the black man’s fault.  This “issue” can be a particular challenge for an Alpha Female who is used to controlling so much of her environment.  Here’s what I said:

Why do some women think because you are attractive, gainfully employed, financially stable and educated that alone qualifies you for a man?  It takes a lot to be with a man, there are personality issues between men and women that you don’t learn in school.  Point is some women just can’t get along with men, talk to them or treat them.  To get a man, you need to learn how to attract the right one.

And any woman with a man in their life, will tell you, it develops parts of you as a woman you never imagined.   School, sororities, the corner office, the cocktails with the girls can’t teach you.  Frankly, if women knew how to attract the right man there wouldn’t be so much moaning and groaning.  Do you know when to compromise?  Do you know when to let him have his way, knowing that at the end of the day, happiness is the key?  Do you know how to do house chores?  Cook?  Make a good sandwich?  Do you know how to talk to him in that “certain” way?  Do you know that some questions don’t need to be asked?  Do you know that you can’t always jump to defend yourself?  Do you know that it’s okay to not be in control at all times?  But, vulnerable, dependent, fully exposed where any day the rug can be swept from under you?  Are you ready to be the student at times, and not the teacher?  All the while having this beautiful man wrapped around your finger like twine.  That’s what happens when a man loves you, you define him as he defines you.   These are some of the things that “make” a woman and some do it better than others.

If you know this already, then you can attract the right man who will give you this and more.   Self fulfilling prophecies are real, be careful what you agree with.  Keep shaking your head in agreement with these stories, and see what happens.

Look within.


  1. SoJo says:

    Sorry about the typos. Please delete my last comment! 🙂

    One of my promises to myself in 2010, is to stop believing the hype regarding the “tragic single, black woman”. One of the women in the video is my line sister and I know that when the time comes for her, she will make a PHENOMENAL wife and mother – as seemingly effortlessly as she has achieving all of her other life goals.

    She is not of the ‘bitch is the new black’ mentality and I agreed w/ her at the end of the clip when she said that she’s come this far, so there’s no way in hell that she’s going to be willing to settle now.

    That said, I’m sick and tired of being categorized as “sick and tired”. I think that the media has saturated us with so much mess that we’re beginning to believe it. My pledge to myself this year is stop analyzing the plight of the single black woman, lack of the good black man, demise of the black family or whatever the latest statistical trend is and surround myself with those people that have made it or are trying to make it word. No more blog, roundtable or coffee house discussions about why I’m single and what I need to do about it – lest I find myself old, gray and barren.

    Instead, I’m going to surround myself with everyday “Barack and Michelle’s”. They are not unicorns – unattainable mythical creatures and the lot. They stand beside us every day. They are our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, co-workers and friends. My attention and energy will be poured into THOSE people so that in turn, my spirit will be uplifted and enlightened. In 2010, that will be my definition of norm – or at least my vision of what the norm for our community should and will become.

  2. plette says:

    The article makes good points. There’s still the fact that many women can’t even MEET a nice guy. Some of us (me included) work 60+ hrs per week and simply don’t have much time. So if “the one” isn’t at your workplace, you’re short on options.

    But I totally agree with the comments saying that meeting the guy shouldn’t be a goal per se, but living life and contributing something to society. And I do believe the answer is within. It’s all about how you carry yourself. You’d be surprised. Even when men aren’t around, there might be some WOMAN who is watching you, realizing that you’re a great person, and respects you enough to mention you to a good guy friend or family member. That’s what happened to me. I was minding my own business, living my life, and along the way, a very nice woman met me and introduced me to her extremely amazing son. We’ve been dating for a year now, and it’s a beautiful relationship. But the point is that I wasn’t sitting on the sidelines saying woe is me. I was working, enjoying my degree, and living my life. If you really live with joy, you’re bound to attract more of it.

  3. Maryann says:

    @THC I agree. I think women would love to do that it’s just that we can only be “fertilized” naturally during a period of time. Our eggs have an expiration date. Xanax, huh? LOL.

  4. The media will rot your brain. Stop watching that shit.

    Bottom line is, wait for the man YOU want. Marriage will be here til the end of time, don’t rush.

    Travel the world, meet new people, expand your mind, take some Xanax.

    Last thing a man needs a woman with a constant chip on her shoulders about EVERYTHING

  5. Aisha says:

    Listen to those of you who are arguing this, THAT is exactly your problem. I’m highly intelligent and beautiful but I have come to learn these things don’t mean that much. Sure men want a woman who can do for herself, independent, successful etc. But they also want you to be submissive and a little dependent upon them, a female!

    I’ve gone through a lot of different phases in my life and in various levels of professional “success” now that I’m in a different position and more humble I feel things changing for me. I think my time will be here very shortly and I think that has more to do with becoming and being more woman then professional, or anything else. If having a degree or a good profession was all it took then we wouldn’t have all these single, successful, good looking, professional black women still single.

    Men lie, women lie, and numbers don’t. The statistics are there you can’t deny the facts the only thing that should be done is examining the situation to determine what is being done wrong and correcting it.Don’t fight it, just right it.

  6. I totally agree that your attitude has to be open to meeting the perfect man. Learning the soft skills I was taught in childhood – like cooking, cleaning, the art of conversation, and entertaining have served me well in my marriage. On top of an open attitude you need to learn the art of compromise.

  7. Really…when did MEN become the ultimate prize?…why am I always having to conform to meet a MANS standards….

    This is some Bull-ISH…I actually dont have a problem attracting, meeting and enjoying the company of men. But I am tired of constantly hearing about whats wrong with the Black Woman and why we cant ‘find a man’….that is Media Bullshit and Brothers and Sisters are falling right in line…

    Look….Im the ISH, hella cool and a great catch and when I am ready to settle down and get married to the right one I will….but the moment we start feeling pity for ourselves…preying people/men have got us….

    Just enjoy life, be you…and make good decisions as far as a mate is concerned…

    Straight Talk!
    Sharelle D. Lowery,
    The Ultimate Curvy Girl
    Coming Soon….

  8. daphne says:

    I agree with most of this, although I’m not sure what cooking and doing house chores has to do with 1) being a woman and 2) keeping a man unless we’re married. Maybe this is a regional (i.e. Southern) or class thing – I’ve not heard a man who was born in the middle to upper classes expect a woman to throw down in the kitchen and do house chores (neither as a criteria of initial interest or keeping him engaged). I don’t know – it’s one thing to do that if I’m a SAHW, it’s entirely another when we’re both working, and I’m still expected to be “domestic.” I do both out of necessity, but then I would think any person, male or female, who is single to be able to do this for themselves, assuming they don’t have the financial means to pay for such services. Ultimately, I would think it depends on the man.

  9. ChiLawGirl says:

    And there are women around here These Days who are like that too. Many grew up in single homes like me and learned what NOT to do….Most women these days who think like that have a man, or at least been engaged. A community can rise no higher than its woman>>>Stop looking at men, they are waiting for us! THAT IS A FACT!

  10. hiphopmuse says:

    I agree. That’s why our grandparents were able to have long lasting and fulfilling relationships, men and women knew their roles and how to act toward each other in relationships.

  11. ChiLawGirl says:

    When these type of stories come on television everyone loves to pick on BW. WM and WW have pity on us, and BM laugh at us. Seriously? The points in this post are valid. Just because you “got it going on” doesn’t mean a man must automatically like you. I am a lawyer and got the looks, degrees, etc but it was not until my grand nanny sat me down and schooled me on being a woman, that I found a man, yes I “attracted” him like a bee to honey. It changed my behavior and mindset. It was about M-E.

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