Author: The Editors

Don’t Get Married

"wild women friends"

 

Recently, I read an article on Huffington Post about divorce.

That will be the LAST article I read about how bad marriage is…period.  It’s like there this effort out there to completely destroy the image of marriage.  Well, let me just say.  To be in a union is ingrained in our DNA.  The marketing of it over the last several years has been destructive and careless.  But it will never stop people from wanting it.  Even if they have to go off somewhere and start their own little colony.

Here’s a snippet:

Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely. And the happiest wives don’t spend a whole lot of time with their husbands.

This is so much bull.  Why wouldn’t a happy wife want to spend time with her husband?  Where is the time being spent?  Some private time is always important, but that is organic and happens on its own.  But to send this message that happy wives don’t spent alot of time with their husbands is out of context.  Has it been negotiated that time apart is okay?  If so, then fine.  But if people are just taking liberties to be away from their spouse to stay happy something is wrong. It’s selfish.  And maybe they need to be alone.

Here’s more:

Finally, the wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent about their husbands.

Who are these ladies?  LOL.  From my understanding, “wild women friends” are a problem.  I don’t even like “wild women friends”.  I rather travel with a husband  than with girlfriends.  Girlfriends can’t protect or lift heavy bags.  They can only complain and have too many ideas that confuse the plans.  This may work for some couples, but do believe it is not realistic or on a uniform basis.  And venting about your man to a circle of “wild women”.  Hell no.  No wonder why men prefer women with little or no friends (or family for that matter!).

Please monitor what you read out there, because everything printed is not gold.

 

Weekend Rewind: The Big, Bad Alpha Male

Checking her alpha male, it happens
Checking her alpha male, it happens

This is a not-so oldie but still a classic!  Enjoy!

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We sing the praises of the alpha male all the time, but where there is light, there is darkness.

The Alpha male is a complicated creature.  They make the best husbands and the worst husbands all in one.  They’re the worst and the best of CEOS.  We love the alpha male because he is rare.  He represents the strongest part of the male species in the animal world, including ours.

He’s protective, successful, a motivator, a leader of the pack, a man amongst men, and so on.  He’s rare.  It’s rare when a man can encompass all these things and still be admired, and not envied.  There’s envy yes, but there’s always a thread of “I wish that was me”.  That is what alpha males do to  other males, make them feel inadequate, angry and displaced.

But the alpha male has secrets, complexities like the alpha female.  He’s not perfect, nor does he want to be.  He likes being the lone wolf.  The list below is about uber-alphas, and does not mean all alphas.   There’s a saying: Be careful what you ask for.  When you get an alpha male, you get the best pickings, but you get the thorns of the rose, too.  Watch yourself.  These men can make you and break you:

1.    An alpha male is continuously being tested to keep his “top dog” status and often deals with this through calculating, manipulative, and dismissive behavior at work, and sometimes at home

2.    An alpha male has a hard time compromising which can lessen his chances of keeping a woman.  If he compromises, it’s usually with a woman he trusts and values her judgement, a rare experience for the alpha male, and he’ll do what he has to, but it’s rare!

3.    An alpha male can be quiet and low key, easy to take it for disinterest; he’s contemplative and will ignore you

4.    An alpha male can be very critical if you don’t live up to his alpha standards, often berating you, to be with an alpha male you have to be poised woman who understands his criticism is really “constructive” (alpha males need to be “checked” now and again but it  takes a certain alpha female counterpart to avoid the tongue lashing that can follow)

5.    An alpha male has some serious secrets, definitely look into his family and past associations, there could be a body somewhere

There’s more but this is a good start.   Most of the great geniuses of the world Einsten, Da Vinci and so on had major vices–women, alcohol, and the like.   It happens.  Finding an alpha male who has some beta qualities like sensitivity and good listening skills doesn’t hurt.  But remember, the more alpha he is, the more alpha you have to be.  Alpha men leave beta women all the time because they can.  When an alpha female is his woman it becomes complicated and convulated.  When it’s time to leave, he’s going to forget what the problem was in the first place.  Do you think Bill Clinton is still with Hillary just for the love?  No.

Without further ado, bait and reel your alpha in–if you dare.

Something Smells, And It Ain’t The Meatloaf…

El Salvador University
Do you do this at home?

I was listening to Whoopi on The View one morning and she made perfect sense, “Are we supposed to marry someone just because they asked?”  Just because a man chooses you doesn’t mean you are chosen and that’s that.  Why do folks forget it’s the woman who makes the decision?  She says yes or no to his choice.  Her answer can start it all or end it all.

Think about it.  How many women you know right now waiting to be asked to say yes?  Do you really want to choose that?  They do and spend the rest of their life changing the man or make his life a living hell for her own neurosis.  Then they get fat and blame the man and the kids.  What a ball of sunshine.

Folks, at the end of the day, as in all of nature it is the woman that makes the decision whether a man will be in her life or not.  Men are projectors.  He’s supposed to be choosing all kinds of things to keep the species going.  But it’s the woman who discerns what quality of species will manifest. She protects the integrity of the human gene pool.  See the results lately?

Unfortunately, women have been slipping, leaving the gate open.  The financial markets isn’t the only thing that has fallen.  In all truth, men don’t really like this, according to the interviews I’ve done for my books and articles.  They like sports, they like to feel there are rules, they like to know how to perform, what the expectations are, and such so they can make the play or not.  They are free to move around, but don’t like that women are.  Another perfectly natural thing to feel.  It makes them feel out of place, out of role, out of balance.  A man out of role is not much good to himself or any woman.

Back in the days, women used to sit together in a circle and share secrets with each other on how to take care of a man and keep him happy.  Yes, there was some sex talk, but most of it was how to “talk” to your man and “behave” with your man. Men are supposed to chase, women are supposed to catch.  Men watch women.  I once said on a radio show, if all women in the world were to say “I will only have sex with men who have Master’s degrees,” do you know how high the graduate school rate will skyrocket?  They’d need to build more schools.

And it has just a bit more to do with than some good sex.  No matter how good your sex is somebody else’s is going to be better.  Most men will tell you that less than a 1/3 of the sex they get is actually “great”.   (Let me find that survey)  So, please put that petty little notion to bed about “how good the sex is”.   It just isn’t the same anymore if you’re dating by everyday standards.  It’s like food these days. You hungry, you eat.  You hungry, you have sex.  And for the ladies, who think they can have sex like a man, you can never be as much of a man than he is. Simple as that.

Shame.  Take this opportunity to have raise your stock some.  An alpha-female can go through a few dry spells but when she comes back, she comes back hard, at a higher level, already at another place that the other girl is still trying to get to.    She rather spend the time getting the big one, yes, and I do mean big in every way.  She always has her man “marked”.

So, close the gate because the house is smelling funky.  This doesn’t mean being picky or critical of men.  Because if you attract “problem” men then there is something problematic about you.   I always base the quality of a woman on the quality of her man and vice versa.  Take some old school “man 101” courses. Start asking for visitor passes.  Less is always more.

Alphanista Moment: The Tiger Wife

Wendi Deng, Rupert Murdoch's Wife

 

You must have seen her yesterday as she leaped and dived for her man, knocking that sicko in the jaw with a left hook.  She was Alphanista Wendi Deng, the wife of Rupert Murdoch.

It’s so easy to regurgitate the details from yesterday.  And I won’t exactly, because it’s easy to find.  Her Wikipedia story is not for children!

This woman meant business from early on, and was Alphanista-esque from the beginning.   She plotted her way to the USA, did some dirty work, until she finally hit the jackpot.  She’s very intelligent, and athletic, as we all saw.  But what kind of man makes a woman want to be a “tiger wife”?  The kind of man you would defend, throw yourself in front of the bus for?  A very rare one indeed.

This kind of man is unique.  He is far from perfect, maybe not even romantic.  But you are his every and only priority.  His sense of loyalty to you is raw and does not need explanation.  The years together in deep, meaningful relationship with one another, through ups and downs have made it grow.  He has seen you at the bitter worst, and still wants you.  He’s proven himself early in the relationship to the lay the groundwork for your loyalty.   There’s no question, he’s yours.  Everything out of his mouth is about togetherness, we vs them.  He is not phony, in fact he is brash, honest, plain.

He’s protective of you, but he lets you be your ever brilliant self and dares anyone to take issue.

But this man is very brutal, especially in business or work, and he’s a somewhat misunderstood genius.  He may not be the best partner at times, but he owns up to it.  He’s very successful and targeted by his many haters.  He shares his fears and vulnerabilities with you.  In fact, only you can see “the child” in him when others don’t.

That is when the tiger wife attacks.  She doesn’t need rhyme or reason just the feeling of impending doom.  She does not squander her graces for men who are careless, immature, sociopathic liars.  They are too reckless, mindless, and she could end up in jail.  But she will stand on her own, for her own when she has to.

 

Alpha Male: RZA

It's Jingling, baby...At Alphanista™, we like to look at all alphas in every field,  who leave a mark, because there’s at least one alpha in everything–for the  Alphanista™ Hall of Fame.

Now, I am no rap historian, but I have been in love with this man since reading that Vibe (or Source) interview he did back in the 1990s about how he brought Wu Tang together.   That was when I knew the difference between being smart and being intelligent.  Here is a brother who happened to take all these rowdy dudes from Staten Island (he was born in Brooklyn, tho) and make them stars.  Authentic.  Stars.  Not any man can bring other men together like that for one focused mission based on all the Wu principles.  I mean, really.   Of course, there was dissent sometimes in the group, but they made it pop anyway.  His bio on Wikipedia is bananas, endless accomplishments. Here is a part:

According to The Wu-Tang Manual, at the group’s inception, RZA started what he called the “5 Year Plan” in which he asked the other 8 members of the Clan for 5 years of life, hard work and good lyrics. He promised the members that if he had total control of the Wu-Tang empire, he would “take them to the top”, and conquer the hip-hop world within a dynastic cycle. Afterwards, then he would relinquish his total control. He described this five year period “as a dictatorship”. RZA’s five year “dictatorship” was completed after the successful release of Wu-Tang Forever.

Nuff said….

I nominate him for induction into the Alphanista Hall of Fame, yay or nay?

The Alpha At Work: Nagivating The Cubicle

There’s a game you play in life, and one you play at work.

You want to be liked, but not taken advantage of.  You want to be heard, but not necessarily seen.  I believe the more you are seen, and less heard, the more likely you will be fired.  Managers call that being “unproductive” or just taking up space.  That may be okay at home or in a relationship, but not at work.  An alpha usually has very ambitious plans for her career that include achieving a delicate balance of aggressiveness and likeability. You have to appear approachable and unapproachable at the same time.  Here’s an email from a reader, a devoted Alphanista.

“When I got promoted everyone was shocked except my boss and I.  I wasn’t always on time to work, but I spoke up at meetings and initiated projects and I made sure I stayed out of the way. You would never see me idling around the office or the coffee machine with office cliques.  I didn’t socialize at work much but I did build a good trustworthy relationship with my female boss who told me I was “different”.  That’s what I’ve been my whole life and it got me a new tax bracket!”–Carla R. , 29, PR executive, Chicago

I don’t care how many times your boss buys you lunch, if you’ve been in the same position or pay grade for more than two years, you are not heard.  Here are some tips to appear floating, magical, and yes, likeable to an extent:

1.  If you are late to work, you can get away with it if you are consistent.  If you arrive at 9:15, keep it that way. Don’t do that on Monday, then Tuesday it’s 8:45.  It brings more attention to you.  No one will ever tell you this.

2.  Get over trying to stay late. It makes you look messy.  Aren’t 8 hours enough for you?  Your “perfectionism” can work against ‘ya.  In certain circles, it’s code word for “scattered brain” and lack of confidence.

3.  Walk briskly, with files in hand, you don’t have time to talk.  Always keep your hands busy.

4.  Walk around cubicles with more than 2 women talking.  It’s easy to get drawn in to the drama.

5.  Schedule meetings out of the office as much as possible.  It will make you seem important, and missed.  People will ask for you, and need you.  They’ll need you in the office.  You become indispensable.

These aren’t tips any career girl can apply.  You need to give these thought and practice them like you know.   Some may agree to disagree with this bit of advice, and that’s okay too!

ADVICE: Should I Tell Him About Her?

Dear Alphanista,

I am married, first and foremost.  I have a crush on this girl on Facebook.  It sounds crazy.  Me and my husband have done threesomes before, but I do not want him to know about this girl because I want her.  I thought about telling him but how can I be sure he won’t try to connect with her on his own?  I am so tempted to invite her town and put her up in a nice hotel and….  Is this wrong?  And please don’t say it’s cheating because it is not.  Hubby and I have an open relationship.  Just looking for some advice on how to deal with this chick.  She has no idea.

Desperate Wife,
Dallas, TX

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Dear DW,

Well, there’s really nothing to deal with.

There is no situation.  Actually, this is all just a figment of your little imagination.  You created this “crush” on Facebook to add some dazzle to your perhaps, boring, life.  Normal?  Yes.  Crazy?  Not yet.  And you don’t have to clarify that I shouldn’t mention cheating, if you want the truth.  Having an online crush can be considered cheating if you spend all kinds of time working on hooking up with this person.  But what I see is a bored housewife trying to do something.  If you and your husband are so open, tell him.  If you can’t then, there are trust issues.  Figure that out. And please leave this “crush” alone until you can.  No need to be bring an innocent Facebook victim into this mess.  If you had told me that he knows and you both want to set it up, I’d say go in and see what she says.

But your  marriage is first priority.  Deal with those trust issues NOW.  Then have fun later.

ADVICE: HOT FOR PROFESSOR

Dear Alphanista,

I am a star on the rise with everything going for me but the graduate degree which will open doors to the career of my dreams.

I never date because I can’t seem to meet a man who matches my shine. Until him… He is intelligent, accomplished, degreed, handsome and there’s a definite attraction between us. I’ve caught him staring at me plenty of times and we share nervous glances when we run into each other. The down side: He’s my professor. I want to know him on a personal level because when we’re having heated debates in class everyone says it’s as though we are in our own little world, far above the level of most of my classmates. I don’t have a crush. I am simply curious about him. I think together we’d do some big things and shake up our profession. I have 2 years left of graduate school before we are officially colleagues but I want to get the ball rolling now. Why wait?

What can I do? Should I even push the issue? He’s single, very much available and only 4 years older than me. We have discussed what we like in relationships and seem to match on ideals. I’m not sure if I should say anything bluntly or just wait the 2 years out and then invite him for coffee. What would an Alphanista do in this situation?

Signed,
Hot For Professor
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Dear Hot:

Why wait?  Because he can be fired.

As a former professor at colleges from NYC to Miami, I can tell you that if it is found out he is creeping with a student, there are grounds to fire him if someone finds out.  You’ll be fine.  But what’s the point if he’s no longer around to suit your fancy?  Despite this rule, professors and students have been getting it on.   It’s just a thin line.  People think because it’s grown folks involved and consensual sex that the rules don’t apply unless the student is 10, and the teacher is 30.

If you must get to know him:  Keep professor close by, but comfortably at a distance.  You may have to initiate advances and get togethers, and such (but I caution against being alone).  Try to understand because he can lose his job.  So don’t expect him to “chase” you.  I am understand “curious” but it often leads to curious sex, curious kisses, and curious touches.  Do you think he can keep a secret?  Are other students watching you?  All it takes is one bitter student to start rumors that he is showing you preferential treatment.

Keep it in classroom, no coffee.  It’s probably an infatuation or “curiosity” that will pass.  If you are an alpha female, this is simply a conquest for you.  You want to see what will happen if…..It is not worth the drama.  School is VERY expensive to screw it up based on emotions and what you FEEL like doing.  Now, if he is REALLY feeling you or just as curious, he will make a choice to leave his job and work at another school.  That will pose no issue for the two of you.
For now, I say leave it alone.  And I doubt he is VERY available.  Most men are not, though they appear to be.

Who Is The Alpha? Basketball Wives

Evelyn and Shaunie from VH1s Basketball Wives

This was a tough one, because they all seem like they “need” each and “feed” off each other for daily sustenance and approval.

A definite alpha turn off.  But let’s take a closer look:

Shaunie: It is HER show.  She manages to engage the girls in debates and debacles but backs up just in time to still remain untainted or too involved.  There are some instances where she barks back, and hard, but it is clearly to a weaker vessel.  This choice is debatable.

Royce: Hmmm.  She is quiet, and unseemly, but there is a daredevil diva in there who surprises.  However, she has been conforming to the group, so I don’t know, but read more on her, she is a case of “luck” carrying to a place you never imagined.

Evelyn: Way too petty to keep an alpha’s interest, and wildly emotional.  Too entrenched in girly gossip and banter to stand out as different.  Her energy is way too heavy and would exhaust a well meaning, self contained alpha.  The Evelyns of the world need alphas to keep them grounded and centered around the bigger picture instead of daily nuisances, and not the other way around.

All the others don’t deserve any mention.  Thoughts?

_______________________

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Would You Stay In A Relationship If The Sex Was Bad?

couple-seperate-bedThink about it.

You are in a relationship where you have everything, except good sex.  Do you leave?  Stay?  How important is sex to you?  Sex is a kind of communication.  If communication is the number one criteria for relationships to work, and there is something wrong, then the relationship may be destined for doom.  True, one can’t expect sex to be great every time.  It’s not the movies or the music video.  Things happen, and excitement may change or wane.  But in order to make the best decision or yourself, you have to ask if the good outweighs the bad.  Or if there’s no sex, there’s no relationship?

You decide.

Would You Stay In A Relationship If the Sex Was Bad?

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