Author: Lola

Basketball Trash, Err Wives

I finally sat down in front of my computer last night to see this mess.

Before I begin, I like the show concept and all that.  I didn’t expect to see a show with charity dinners and women tending to their gardens!  But I mean, the coolest chick right now is Suzie.  She is eating those free meals at those restaurants the show sends them to, and she is good.  I can do that.  Put me on the show, and tell me what restaurant I need to show up at, and I can nod and eat at the same time.  And make big, googly eyes at bad news.  My part is done.  No knocking down Suzie at all!

Now, I love Royce.  She is hella sexy, confident and funny.  But she needs to move on.  She has no product that is viable that she is pushing.  All she is getting is a production check, and she has some talent.  She wrote a book.  Girl, put that cover on a t-shirt, wrap a little hooptie with it and promote your shish.  Evelyn got the right idea, but the wrong words.

This new girl Meeka or whatever is so out of place.  You can see that she is trying.  Did any of you notice how her voice changed to “hip-hood girl” when she met with Royce?  LOL.  Chile.  I could see right through any weakness like a laser.  And her hair.  Blech.

If they want to take this show to another level they need Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife.

That’s all.

Guide To Hiring Help: The Sperminator Version

Did you hear about some married governor in Cali last week who had a baby with the help?

Well, everyone is coming down on him hard.  No pun intended.  But here, we like to explore the other side of things.  Here’s my guide for hiring help when you live in a big mansion with a big, hunky man who has lots of money and working sperm.

1) ***k Experience! No, not that way, but the other way.  Can she do dishes?  Can she vacuum? Can she wash?  Okay, that is more than half of cleaning, everything else she can pick up along the way.  Stay away from “degreed” maids who think they have everything down pat.  They cost more money, and help themselves to just about everything in your home.  Get someone who is honored to be working for you and feels lucky you hired them because their lack of experience has put them at the bottom of the maid job pool.

2) Control by Fear. Remember those 80s soaps when you’d see how bad those rich people treated those maids?  Now we understand.  You need to let them chicks know.  Yes, they are still chicks, women, females, with love in their hearts they want to share with the world, or with your man.  It doesn’t matter if she is married.  Does she have her immigration papers?  Preferably not.  Can she speak English?  Preferably not.  Is she bigger, taller, smarter than you?  Preferably not.  She wants what you have.  Who wants to go back home to the hood every evening?  She does not.  Don’t be friendly, just respectful.  Threaten her with exposing her immigrant status or lack of skills, but always say it in a tone that you wish you won’t have to do it!  Always speak conflicted, like you just don’t want to destroy her, but you may have to.  For no reason, just say it, every now and then.  Break a dish for the hell of it.   Let her know who runs this.

3)  Women under 50 need not apply. If you come from the old school, then you know nobody cleans a better house than your 60 year old grandmother!  I would go by my grans house and everything would be spotless.  Not a speck.  But the chick can’t even get up to change the tv channel by herself.  I don’t know how she did it.  But when it gets to cleaning, it’s like some second body force takes over, and they handle that mop, that broom, that brush, and get down and dirty.  Stop looking for young and able.  These types are looking for more out of life. Maids of a certain age done did the drama with the husband (maybe the wife too) in their young wipper snapper days.  All they want now is a nice quiet job, and a check to supplement SS.  Most importantly, unless your husband is a pervert, he’ll leave grans alone.  And grans won’t hesitate to tell you if he’s exposing himself in his draws because older folks always got something to say.

4)  Leave the Spanish maids alone. Hey, there’s a reason why they get typecasted as maids in movies, and tv.  Jennifer Lopez in Maid in NY.  She came up on a millionaire.  They have been typecasted in this role for ever.  Spanish women are hot.  Great bodies.  Have you ever stepped into a Dominican hair salon?  Tight jeans, hip huggers, flowing hair, and halters.  And that’s just what the 35 year old grandma wears.  The maid in the Sperminator home probably was a hottie to Arnold in her best days.  She didn’t look like a dime.  But she had sexuality, curves, hair, lipstick.  Some men can work with that.  In her most recent pics, you can tell she is confident with how she looks.  Hire a one-eyed Asian maid, or a big shoulder-bodied over 50 Polish maid.  Get creative.

5)  Don’t think your shish don’t stink. I think what happened with Maria Shriver was this:  She thought she was the best looking thing since a Texas sized BBQs pina colada.  She probably thought her husband “would never” be with “that”.  But she forgot who Arnold really is, being Governor didn’t change that.  He is a down home dude, what we’d call “country” over here.  It’s not all that complicated for him.  He also showed himself as a cheater long ago.  Maria definitely married “down” and this is the cost.  She and him also had some of their own issues, but I know sex was not one of them with all those kids they have!  Maria, girl, you need to know this.

Leave pretty, young, perky, experienced, and attractive alone when you hire a maid.  Keep it simple.  Basics. No live in.  And learn to do your own cooking.  They have a way of slipping into things in the food.

 

 

Give It Some Head Action

 

Some days I wake up so clear thinking and focused, it’s refreshing.

I have solutions to problems and I know for sure what to do!  We always think of those moments like “lightbulb” or “aha” moments.  But your brain or your subsconscious mind, depends how you look at it, is working for you to fix the issue.  Even when you forget about it.

A few of us got together this weekend and we did an experiment.  Before you go to bed, visualize or look at beautiful homes.  See the rooms online.  Picture yourself there!  When you finally fall asleep, if a home is what you want, you’ll wake up with new clues.  I did.  Two of us did.  New ways to make our desires happen.  It may not happen the next day, but it will.  You’ll know when to take the job offer, leave a relationship, cash out of that deal, etc as clear as day.

Your only job is to recognize the light!  Check out this video on how it all works.

A Woman With A Cigar Is A Woman With Secrets

ROSARIO DAWSON LIGHTS HER OWN CIGAR

Women with cigars are looking for a certain experience.  Some choose shopping, others smoke for relaxation.  Every woman has a story as to how she learned, and each story is interesting because it’s not necessarily very “ladylike”.

You can find them at cigar bars or some other dark remote corner of a lounge with it dangling from their fingers.  It’s a certain look she gives off that’s supposed to convince you she knows what she is doing, and many do. However, there are some who are just posing.  They don’t respect the history of the cigar or the etiquette.  They learned it from a man and he left before he could finish the lesson.  Here is a dos and donts list to make you aware.  Cigar ladies, feel free to add:

Do:

Take your time in smoking it; a puff a minute is good enough.  Nothing worse than seeing someone sucking on it like a respirator pump.

Let the cigar die a dignified death. After it’s smoked half way, it will go out by itself.  No need to panic that it’s almost done.  Relax.  Breathe.

Hold the cigar between your index finger and thumb.  Please adhere to this because you can tell an amateur by her holding it like a cigarette.  Boo.

Dont:

Ask someone else for a light (the lighting of a cigar should be a personal affair).  I know this may seem “sexy” to ask the cute guy to help out, but if you can’t light it, learn.  That is one of the pleasures of the experience.

Put the cigar out by crushing it in an ashtray.  See rule above.

Wear your prettiest, most expensive number when you’re smoking.  It will smell for days without a good cleaning.  Be practical.

When you do find the perfect cigar, go to a lounge, and stay out of cars and closed in spaces because the cigar smell just hangs and sticks.  A cigar is my way of relaxing after dinner with a glass of port or a grand marnier sidecar.

Puff. Puff.

Is It Really Important To Find Your Life’s Purpose?

 

Uhm, not so much.

I can’t stand those books about life purpose this and that. They make it all hard. Millions of folks have lived in this world peaceful, happy, and paid without a life purpose! Why do I need to spend all my good, fine years searching for what’s really searching for me? Think about it. Your life’s purpose is a journey, unless you have been singing since you were 3 years old, your life purpose is not gonna pop out from the closet in a thong and frills and scream “Here I am!”

Right now it’s time to make money and experiment with life and it ain’t only for college students. For me I can explore so many things. It’s ridiculous. I can create and dissipate. You know? I can open and close. I move on. I’m a visionary. I do what I do. But I don’t do it one way. I can be happy with a string of successful lingerie shops to a string of laundry mats. As long as thekeep the checks coming in. Then I can accomplish my real desire–philanthropy. Make now, give later.

We, at Alphanista, get emails all the time from women whining about being broke and destitute and their dream is this and that, and they can’t eat, and they can’t swim, yada yada.

If you are looking for your life’s purpose and eating out of a cereal box everynight, you need to purpose yourself into making some dollars and sense. Alpha females don’t get there like everybody else, and to be honest they are not all living their life’s purpose and riding unicorns into the sunset. It’s about a plan that takes years and has many different routes, each she is not afraid to deploy.

Matchmaking Agencies Are Not Just For White People

Last month we brought up the idea in AlphaCandy, or question, rather:  “Why don’t more black women use matchmaking agencies?”  Most are free to women.  Seems like a no-brainer!  And we are not talking about online dating sites.  That is so 2005.

We got several answers and most of it had to do with insecurity and lack of information.  As you can see from certain matchmaking shows on TV, you and the next woman are in the same boat.  They are not your competitor.  They are your peer.  Your competitor is actually the other women in that man’s life!

You also don’t need a head to toe makeover to get with a matchmaker.  A simple wash and set (if it’s your own hair), a nice bath, and cute little number should give you the confidence to knock on the door.  It doesn’t mean you are exactly “in” as many have screening processes, but you are one step closer to your goal. Which is?

Well, my dearies.  The men with this agencies have to pay a fee.  This is no 2-1 for special, either.  It is expensive, but affordable for the right suitor.  Even in ancient times, men paid dowries to meet women and marry them.  It is only to be expected.  These days without a gatekeeper like a matchmaker, most men can buy your time with a $79.80 dinner.

Raise those expectations or you’ll find yourself standing alone in the playground!

To read the AlphaCandy interview with VIP LIFE owner and founder Lisa Clampitt and why she thinks “nothing is more important than finding the right relationship”, click here.

The Maldives: Exclusive Luxury

Lately, I’ve been having a fixation with South Asia, with dreams of being some place where nobody knows your name.

When I think of The Maldives I think of exclusive elegance, class and the beach. I think of going someplace where probably nobody else in your circle has been to.  And if that’s the case, your being there means it’s time to find a new circle!

I’ve never seen prettier beaches, not even in Greece, or such unadulterated beauty and luxury.  This is not a dream or a fantasy.  Not much to do, but lounge, swim, and doing nothing is your “some thing”.  But that was what I wanted because If I don’t walk inside another museum until next year I’ll be fine.  I sort of created my own dream package one summer–with a trip to someplace I never been, bought a few books I’ll never forget, and booked a new therapist (I need a little reality check every now and again).  But I met great people, was invited to a dignitary’s home to have dinner with him, a local artist, and an oil family from Texas.  I visited their ranch last summer.

It is exploring the world as your own playground whether you go alone, with a beau, or with the family.  I had a friend who saved her unemployment checks to go The Maldives.  I never heard from her again.  And she’s not dead.

A little more about The Maldives here.

You don’t want to go between Feb-April when the resorts are full.Here’s a little discount from Alphanista you can use: Save between $20 and $100 on ALL Hotel Bookings.  Yes, it includes The Maldives too 🙂

But please, do come back.

ADVICE: Does This Make Me Gay?

 

Dear Alphanista,

A few months ago I had some friends come into town.  It was like 3 girls and 4 guys.  We all had a great time at dinner then we went for drinks at The Peninsula.  My man is very conservative.  I mean, he doesn’t even like oral sex to give or receive.  We have been together for 3 years and I learned to pleasure myself, but sometimes it is not enough.  Anyway, after the drinks one of the couples, and us went to a room that had been reserved.  While the guys were playing cards in another room this other woman and I had an encounter.  Without going into details, she gave me what my man could not.  I had never ever wanted to be with a woman or even thought about it.  It just happened, now I can’t get her off my mind.  I’m like consumed by her, trying to track her down on Facebook and everything.  What do I do?   If I can’t stop thinking about her what does that say about me?

Confused,

“Betty” (Upper West Side, NY)

 

____________

Dear Betty:

Let me tell you a little about yourself.  You think you can send these advice letters here and get a little sympathy, and understanding, right?  I can tell what type of person you are.  The type that makes “mistakes” and then turns around with sad puppy dog eyes and say you “didn’t know”.  That’s your story.  Like you didn’t know your man is not into oral sex.  But you chose to be and STAY with him anyway. I  mean, really, did he just stop?  I doubt it.  You made a clear decision to go in the relationship hoping you can change your mind.  So, don’t blame him for what you let happen.  Your man did not take anything or stop anything.  You took from yourself.  You also have wanted to be with a woman, and you have thought about it.  Don’t act like it fell from the sky and just happened. But that’s how you do.

As for the hotel room romp, I mean, come on, are you really losing sleep over this?  It sounds just like another party to me.  Some, I even attended!  Well, here’s the deal.  I don’t know if you are gay.   But I do know that you made a decision to do something that you feel guilty about.  Is it because you feel you cheated?  I’m confused.  I don’t know where the guilt is.  I would forget about this woman, especially if she was that underwhelmed by you to not stay in touch.  It’s probably another fantasy you are telling in your silly little head.  Move on.  And stop annoying people–your man, and this mystery woman, with your needs.  Just find what you need, and let it be!

Beyonce Is A Wife And Got Pregnant By Her Husband

Wow.  Surprise, surprise.  I’m not gonna inundate you with Beyonce news because I am sure you don’t visit Alphanista for your Beyonce fix.

But while I was shopping for toiletries this morning at the local Duane Reade, I overheard one of the stock girls say “it was about time” that Beyonce got preggers.  I mean, really?

What is actually wrong with planning your life?  With setting goals?  With actually waiting for an opportune moment?  Beyonce’s life has not been lived by default like 90 percent of the population.  She did not get married to get pregnant obviously and pregnancy is not always the next step for many couples.  There is a segment of the population that does not believe in populating asap.  Every step is meticoulosuly planned by her and her handlers (and we know there are many!).  So, please enough with all the baby talk and fascination.  I wish her the best like I would any preggers woman.  But I do have one note of advice for her: Please go somewhere and chill for the next few months.  Alicia Keys is no example of performing and dancing while balancing a basketball between your legs. With love.

 

Every Girl Needs GTFs

I like to eat.

Every chick needs to have two things in life: A hobby, and go-to foods (GTFs).   My go-to foods help me through life.  They are there when I can’t think of what to cook or eat.  They satisfy every taste–salty, crispy, creamy and sweet.   Go-to foods help you get over that break-up, cozy up to your favorite program, website, and are easy, no fuss.   Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty from enjoying the fruits of your labor.   You work hard.  You deserve this.

If you are a food nazi, please skip this post now.  Any derogatory posts about the foods below will be deleted.  This blog is the only place I can be me, say what I want, eat what I want.  I’m grown, I can discern.

 

Check out what I like:

 

Popeyes Garlic Butter Shrimp w/fries and biscuit…mmmm…garlicky butterness!

 

These taste like real brownies, Desperate Housewives on Sunday type food, I love these after dinner too, in bed.

 

This was my winter treat.  I don’t know if it’s still in the stores, but mercy.  Tastes like the cake, and had a crunchiness to it that talked back to me!

This is my latest fixation.  I make half and safe the rest in the bag for next time.  You can’t mess these up!   We get all nervous when it’s time to use that blender mixing and measuring, but everything is here for you.  Just add milk.  I use skim.

 

I stacked up on this on a cross country trip from NYC to Las Vegas.  I have it piled in my cupboard.  Love it.  Eat it slow though, it can be a little hard like a real apple.