ADVICE: Tall, Handsome, Successful Black Men…

maninsuitDear Alphanista,

I date men from different backgrounds.

I was recently dating this tall handsome, successful black guy.  He is Trinidadian like me.  Anyway I was just wondering [since I am no longer dating him]… Who is the girl that finds and keeps this type of man?  A man that has everything that a woman could want.  I was running through all the people I know and the hot good looking girls end up with ugly but successful guys.

Is that what I have to look forward to. Settling for some overweight or older guy? It’s really disturbing to me.

Any thoughts?

Just thinking,



*This is OPEN advice to give Misa as much perspective as possible before I chime in.  I already know what I’m gonna say!  (Lawd)


  1. S says:

    “Who is the girl that finds and keeps this type of man? A man that has everything that a woman could want.”
    The woman who believes that she deserves that man, dreams him into manifestation and behaves like she belongs with him. I\’d say either he was not really everything you wanted or if he was then you believed you did not deserve to be with someone like that.

  2. missing_pieces says:

    MaryAnn said: “I see so many women in their 30s and thensome in a cycle of repeated relationship patterns that bring them nothing but confusion, loneliness and disappointment. While other women hit the ground running, jump over the hurdles, and get their triple crown. Which one will you be? Because it is about YOU.”

    You have spoke the gospel truth on this one. I have seen many women go around the hamster wheel of relationships and always choosing the same, wrong man just in a different body.

    It’s not about him, it’s really about “hot chick Misa.”
    I’m not trying to blame her but there has got to be something inside of her that draws these dudes in her life and then they break up. Maybe she is not opening herself to the possibility that the corporate/wall street suit and tie brother may not be for her- maybe her true beau is a boho/creative artistic type of a cat or he could be both simultaneously;

    By compartmentalizing men I think she is putting limitations on her love life as well. What’s wrong with an older, or chubby guy? He can be HER guy and she’d be the one to help him improve his fitness/have a new lease on life and be that stellar couple- did she even think about that possibility? Does she really want a guy who spends more hours in a gym than with her I don’t think so? I feel like she’s thinking about what she should have not what she wants. We all instinctively know what we want- maybe she is scared to look deep and find out what it is. IDK.

    I have been this way myself- I admit I am not so decisive in love these days, I’ve been kind of wishy-washy because I’m truly afraid of saying what it is I want in a man- because I know it will come to true… all women are powerful like this and have the ability to draw what it is they want in their lives. IDK, there is something inside of her that is not making the connection with these type of dudes and I kind of detect a little bit of shallowness to her. Also, maybe she is not ready for the long haul of long term relationships/consistency that men who want more than just a “chocolate barbie-doll” are looking for.

  3. Maryann says:

    Successful (or rich) men are not the only men who can take care of a woman and provide for her. A woman should be concerned with how a man treats her, what he’s willing to do, not his apparent “success”. He can make her feel like gold on a beer budget, and shit on a platinum budget.

    There’s an ole school saying that a woman should marry a man who loves her more, or not, she’ll suffer. Trust me, a lot of these women are suffering inside because they went for “appearance”.

    I don’t think anyone should stop looking for what they want but should be clear on the reasons they need that. Oftentimes we get what we ask for and the rest is not there–emotionally availability, timing, resources, etc. We find out then how we are limiting ourselves. A woman in every part of her life has to assess her priorities in a relationship and proceed accordingly.

    I see so many women in their 30s and thensome in a cycle of repeated relationship patterns that bring them nothing but confusion, loneliness and disappointment. While other women hit the ground running, jump over the hurdles, and get their triple crown. Which one will you be? Because it is about YOU.

  4. empress20 says:

    Before I chime in, I would need to know one important thing, ‘Why you and this tall, handsome, successful dude aint’ together anymore?’ It would be so easy for me to say a). you weren’t his type, b). your in a fantasy, c). your not an alphanista or d). your not liberated:-) But I cant! I dont want to judge you! Also, I would need to know what you did to attract this type of man in the first place and what you/him did to become detached. You see, your theory is so general not to mention, it doesn’t really make sense?!?-“hot, good looking girls end up with ugly successful guys”…WHAT? Let me just say that there is nothing ugly about a successful man!!! Note: No matter what they say about Jay-Z, to me he is a very sexy man! His success accounts for about 90% of that sexy! If that still doesn’t help you, he “has the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain” not to mention a rock on her finger!!!*
    Nonetheless I am going to help you as best as I can by telling you that…THERE ARE NO MEN THAT HAVE EVERYTHING A WOMAN COULD WANT!!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, my handsome 5″9 brother @Oronde is probably the total package but I can guarantee you that his ‘good looking’ may not be my good looking and his ‘successful’ may not be my successful. I can agree with what he says at the end of his response to you, “you have to develop a personality “! And he’s right you have to be your 100% self find and keep such a man.
    Misa, you have to go with what feels right…for you! You have to examine what your reasons are for wanting a tall, slender, handsome successfual man as opposed to an overweight successful man…are you doing it for show? You want your girls and other women around to be jealous of you? I could sit here and do the whole stereotypical thing and say, tall, dark handsome men want uber-beautiful women but beautiful by whose standards! Denzel Washington’s wife is not your typical drop dead gorgeous woman by society’s standards but she captured the heart of one of America’s most handsome successful men! So I will say this…Misa, you find this kind of man by simply being who you are, that way you know he chose you for you! At the end of the day when the doors close behind you and he is not punching numbers on wall street or dressed in his three peice suit and he’s just lounging at the crib in his t-shirt and a pair of jeans you want to know that you have the most authentic man there is…a good husband, friend and father to your children. Thats what should make him look tall, handsome and successful in your eyes no matter if he is some overweight, older guy.

  5. oronde says:

    i can’t say i’m tall (5’9″) but i am a successful black man and looks are NOT the most important quality to me; you could look like gabrielle union but if you’re dumb as bricks, no deal.

    the most important quality to a man of substance (i.e. character – not material substance as in job/property/money/looks). is compatability. in my case, that means some semblance of intelligence. you don’t have to be a brain surgeon – hell, you don’t even have to be “educated” (meaning having attained “higher” education), but you must be “literate,” meaning having the ability to speak on/or have an opinion about a given topic regardless of how expansive your knowledge of that topic may be.

    yes, just like any other person, looks are important initially to me. looks are the first thing you notice about a person, but as far as building any meaningful relationship, they are FAR from the only thing. more women should understand this. crazy as this may sound, i am a successful, good looking black man who generally does NOT do well with “hot” black women. why? because “hot” women tend to focus too much on their “hotness,” therefore attracting men that value that quality above all else. i don’t focus on that quality so “hot” women generally don’t respond to me regardless of the notion that “successful, attractive black men” are the cat’s meow. ladies, of course, take care of your physical appearance, but more importantly, develop a personality.

  6. ThatOne says:

    When are women gonna give up on this fantasy! LOL. Ugly? What is ugly to one woman is attractive to another. Keep holding out for that fantasy, and be like the other chicks at the club.

  7. tender says:

    No certain type. The only thing that is required of the next woman, or any woman for that matter, is her looks. A man like this needs a trophy hanging on their arm. That’s their “cherry on the top”. She’s either A.- housewife/mother. Or B.- Queen of her OWN empire. Depends on which one he wants. Not all successful men mind/want their wives working. Some feel it makes them look bad. Either way, ya gotta look the part.

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