Weekend Rewind: ADVICE: Sleeping With His Friend

Intimate-CoupleDear Alphanista,

I had a casual sex relationship with a “friend” this summer, that I cut off once summer ended. We are still good friends just without the benefits. During that time he introduced me to a lot of his friends and recently (while we are not sexing anymore) one of his friends approached me.

Before you go rolling your eyes this man wants an actual relationship, and wants to have a life together unlike my “friend”. I’ve been dating and sexing my friend’s friend and its all been DAMN good. Between that time and now my friend has had several arguments about me with my new boo and I think he has tried to drag my name down somewhat to help him save face. My honey says that he doesn’t care about what anybody else thinks or says he just wants to be with me.

Our relationship has really caused tension between all parties involved, and the group as well. Not to mention that I look like a “slut”, this according to my BFF(female) because I’ve dealt with two guys in the same group, and she feels like they’re “sharing” me. This situation has also caused a rift between her and I due to our difference in values. Trust me she’s FAR from an angel but she feels adamant about that topic being taboo.

My question is am I really wrong for this? We’re all adults here, we aren’t really hurting anyone (maybe my friend’s pride a little) and these types of things happen all the time. Why is everyone so bent out of shape, if we’re happy shouldn’t everyone else be?

Confused conscious,
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile


Dear Confused conscious,
I see nothing wrong here.  From the responses below, others feel the same, for now.  Nobody was married.  Technically you are all single.  Enjoy your new man.  Keep your business to yourself.  Stay quiet.  That will really confuse folks because they will expect you to be stressed about this.

Relationships are not neat and clean.  They are messy and fussy at times.  As long as you don’t straight play yourself (there are a number of ways this can happen), find a new group perhaps.  There are certain women who can pull this off, always the apple of male admirers, don’t be shy, enjoy the ride.

Stay in control.

With Love,



  1. Sarystal says:

    I’ve had this dilemna before and did not allow myself to date an eligible bachelor because of ties with a “friend” of his that never wanted a serious relationship with me. Fast forward today and i could kick myself for not giving him a chance. So i say go for it and keep others out of your business…eventually the “mess” will die down and hopefully you two will still be together:)

  2. Pampermimi says:

    This is very taboo topic… I have a friend that has done the something in our group; we have all been friends for nearly 20 years. Not once but twice this has occurred and it has caused major problems but has been overlooked. I would never cross the “friend” line but, what’s good for me may not be good for everyone else. I respect her decision but, do understand your character is on the line not only with the women but also, with the men. If you are happy at the end of the day that’s all that matters.

  3. tender says:

    Your happy, right? Then who the hell cares? Besides the obvious, of course. You’re right, though. You’re all adults, therefore this topic should have blown over by now.

    Here’s what I think about your friend. I know this is cliche, but there is a slight jealous streak. I mean, here she is doing things the “Right” way, and STILL no happy ending. But here you are acting like a slut (in her words) and yet YOUR the one w/ the “Prince Charming” in your bed every night. I know you never said anything about her relationship status, but it quite obvious what it is. Remember- if THEIR not happy, their not REALLY happy for you. Tell the ones to that have a problem w/ you relationship to create their OWN “Happy Formula” and mind their own damn business!

  4. hiphopmuse says:

    I agree with BB & Ms. Tee. To elaborate on their points, it doesn’t matter how this group of people feel about your relationship. They’re not in it, they’re observers from the sidelines. If you want to date this new guy, do it. All that matters is how you and him feel about things, not his friend, your friend, or anyone else. The outside parties to the relationship need to worry about their own lives. I would also refrain from confiding in the BFF about this relationship, I get these sense that she’s not happy for your happiness.

    If things don’t work out with the current guy, look outside the immediate pool for dating prospects. If you date a 3rd guy in that pool, you would definitely be seen as a slut. But for this one, I say you get a pass.

  5. Ms. Tee says:

    LOL!!!! and you know what I say…..FUCK WHAT THEY THINK! They’re all upset…not becuz you’re wrong..but becuz they don’t have the guts to do it!

    They hate u cuz they aint u….

  6. BB says:

    Who cares if you are wrong? It is your life! Sometimes you have to be wrong to win. Just make sure that you actually do win!

    Does he “want a relationship with you… someday…?” Or, are you in an official commited relationship right now? This can make all the difference in the world. If the new guy is the real deal then who cares about your salty friends. But, if you are just hanging out (and men do lie about their intentions sometimes), then your reputation is definitely taking a hit. Do you care? If not, then carry on.

    Anyway, how important is this group? Does it add value to your life? Sometimes people let the opinions of people/groups who don’t matter and can’t offer them anything, dictate their behavior. Why not evaluate who contributes more to your life and make your decisions on that basis? If you have to be wrong, so be it.

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