ADVICE: Keep Your “Number” To Yourself

Author: Fxquadro
Author: Fxquadro

My wedding is three months away.

My fiance and I had a fight about how many men I’ve slept with.  We were having fun at first, then he asked me.  He asked me when we dated, too.  I told him a different number this time and he flipped out.  The truth is I’ve slept with so many men I can’t remember.  I don’t want to remember how many.  Now, he’s having doubts about what he calls my “virtue”.  I am so scared that I messed things up.  He hasn’t spoken to me in a week and we have a wedding shower coming up.  Should I just tell him the truth about my past?


G. Lady


Dear G. Lady:

NOOOOOOO.  Every woman has secrets.  If it has nothing to do with him, no need to tell.   No matter if it’s 1 or 100 it can never be the “right” number.

I am sensing that he is upset about something else.  He may be using this little number thing as an excuse.  But you didn’t say how much different was your number.  Did you tell him 3 the first time, then 5 the next. Or 3 the first time, and 27 the next.  If so, then maybe he’s pissed at that, too.  I just don’t see why he hasn’t spoken to you over a week about this.  He could be wanting to slow this all down.  But let’s just say he is angry about the number, there’s an age old adage:  once you get to 10, you start at 1 again. A real woman never gives her number.  These days women are more single longer than ever thus having more partners, not something many women choose, but it’s just biology.  We have to mate, of course with discretion because a woman should always be looking to preserve her genetic integrity and not squander it with the pool boy when you wanted the banker boy.

Hold your ground.  Make him know that it is only him for life.  Understand that he may be confused now.  Talk to him, but keep the details of your past, in the past.


  1. Anonymous says:

    I am a mid twenties virgin who has dated in large cities with very normal (mostly non-religious) men and only one had a problem with waiting. He also was a huge player (had slept with hundreds of women), so my chances of locking him down were very slim and I’m lucky I got out quick. In my experience, when men meet someone they like, a virgin is a very good thing (even to the non-religious). The three I was most serious with also continue to contact me because they say they can’t forget me — I don’t know if it’s because they never got to have sex with me and are continuing to try or because they actually really like me, but my friends did say that the guys I date treat me more delicately / specially than other girls.

  2. this man has cold feet and insecurities. there is no way in the world a REAL man would ever go a week without talking to his soon to be queen based on the fact that she lied about something so touchy. the bottom line is a man realizes that the woman is the weaker vessel and should treat her accordingly. you do need to apologize about lying and see if you guys can have an OBJECTIVE conversation. by that i mean put all feelings aside and talk it out so as to solve the problem. if he is not game for that something is terribly wrong and you probably shouldnt have him as a husband anyway…

  3. Gladys says:

    Loving a bottom B
    Lets not revert to comparing women to consumer products. It kind of cheapens women. I know several men who have told me that when they found out their wives were virgins it changed their whole perspective of her. They respected her more and cherished her more. They have told me that it made them feel proud.

    I am not looking at a glass at all.I plan to enjoy sex. Heck yes I sure do! But I am not about to give myself to someone who doesn’t marry me. One of these days I will explain the process that will lead to marriage for me. We need to talk to the author of the blog.
    In my statements above I was trying to give birds eye view of the reality women are facing. I personally don’t have sex because of my relationship with God, in the process I avoid STD’s and getting pregnant. My relationship with God came first. I trying to make everyone aware of the plight women are facing, in hopes that we can all help women avoid diseases and poverty.

    Thank you so much. Yes there are men out there that are waiting or willing to wait. I am looking for a guy who will love me for who I am. If he has had sex before, we will talk about, but when when he is with me, nope no sex until we get married. There are other kinds of intimacies that we can explore in the maintian (all non-sexual).

    All people who choose to have sex, please protect yourselves.

  4. Rocky says:

    To Sweet Promise. You are definately living in a fantasy world when it comes to waiting. You may want to move to Pennsylvania with the Amish or to Utah with the Mormons. No disrespect, but if you think in todays world, a man wants a woman that makes him wait until Marriage when YOU may very well be the one who changes after sex thats wrong.

    To men who ask their women how many. Don’t ask what you don’t want to know or can’t handle. I dont agree with talking to ANY mans family about a situation IF you want the situation to become better. Thats overstepping bounds.

    What man wants to think one day his woman is going to wonder what other “johnson” is like. Nahh. Get that out of your system and let me know when you are ready for life and committment.

    Yes, men do care what the number is to an extent, because it lets them know how many other men have ran through their woman for life before they have. On the flipside, a secure man will never ask, because its him you are with now.

    I would blame the man in this case not the female for asking something like this weeks before their wedding. This is vetting a man should do LOOOONG before.

    Again. When the woman feels as though she needs to lie about the number then there could be a trust issue. Of course as the woman you should ask the man, are you sure you really want to go this route?

    Some guys think they are cool, until that number hits them square in the face. Few are able to deal with it. Others know better and never ask.

    Sandy.. I think you are on point with your assessment of Black men going to other races when there are these types of thought processes out there.

    I said that the other day.

  5. zabeth says:

    @Sweet, there men out there that will wait for marriage for sex. GRANTED their numbers are small, they are usually younger, and they are most likely Christian or religious in some form but they do exist.

  6. Incognegro says:

    @Promise – that’s a very “glass is half empty” way of looking at life IMHO. It’s cool if you decide to wait until marriage to have sex, it’s even cool to not tie it directly to religion, but to say that you are choosing to miss out on one of the greatest gifts God (or Nature, if you must) gave us because you are afraid of becoming a statistic? I have to call BS.

    First, you’re smart enough to quote all the stats, then you are smart enough to take precautions and prep yourself and your mate safe so that you can enjoy the sexual exploration. You don’t want to get pregnant? Use comdoms and the pill (I’m sure you’ll say they are not 100%). You say you don’t want your heart broken – that can happen without the sex. Don’t want to be in poverty? Go to school, get an education, study a valuable trade and get and keep a job. Sex won’t really change that.

    I just think your view comes from a distorted view of some very important stats. Lighten up. 🙂

    Hopefully you at least have a toy box under your bed…:-p

  7. Loving a bottom B says:

    @ Oh Sweet. I don’t know any good man that is willing to wait until marriage for sex. You may disagree but we have to try the goods before we buy them and you should too as a women. Would you buy a car without test driving it? or expensive clothes you cant return without trying them on?

    Also I don’t know any man that wants to marry a true virgin. Why? Men plain and simple want a freak in bed and women in the streets. Virgins are not that because they lack exp and knowledge on sex, furthermore, most guys I know have no patience to teach them everything they need to know from the ground up. Most women that cheat in marriage in my view or I have noticed are the women that lack sexual exp. so once they become sexually aware they wish to sample more. While women who had their sample already are comfortable with what their man has to offer.

  8. Zabeth says:

    A real woman never gives her number…as long as she has nothing to be ashamed of and is comfortable with who she is. I’m not surprised by her man’s response (I’M NOT CONDONING IT EITHER), but I also wonder what his number is???? I’m betting that even if his number is 10 times her’s, he’d probably still feel the same way.

    Did anyone watch Luke Campbell of 2 Live Crew fame’s reality show on VH1? Remember the sex partner discussion he gave his teenage daughter? It’s a cold, hard, ugly, double standard that men can sleep with however many women they want, but a woman who does the same is a slut. It’s ugly and it’s harsh but it’s real. I once heard someone say that “There are double standards because there are two sexes.” Men want to feel special when it comes to sex – like being initiated into an exclusive club, not a frat party. That could be where his comments about “virtue” are coming in. If it’s the case that she told him 5 one day and another number the other day, he could feel like he’s being lied to and may be questioning the other things she’s told him. Or maybe he’s wondering if those other guys happened while they were together.

    Either way what’s done is done. I think honesty is the best policy and he’s being completely immature by not communicating with the woman he wants to marry. You’ve got to talk to him and have it out.

  9. Loving a bottom B says:

    Men should not ask questions if they don’t want to hear the answer. I would ask because I want to know the truth and I know I can handle whatever that number is.

  10. Kim says:

    For one thing, most men don’t even want to know because if he cares alot about you he doesn’t wanna imagine you being with anyone else but him nonetheless 20 or 30 dudes. Usually a woman asks this question and a man usually lies. The damage is already done with the number that you already gave him so the point of telling him the whole truth is worthless. He needs to understand that you had a past before he came along and it has ended with him. He may be using this as an excuse like M said or he may be jealous that you out numbered him and he’s judging you because your a woman and think that your a ho. Get to the bottom of what is really bothering him but both of you had a past before you met one another and no one should be judged on that.

  11. Sandy says:

    @ Oh Sweet Promise– I know more sex # lying sluts that are married than virgins of the same age group. Matter of fact, a disproportionate number of unmarried adult women virgins seem to be black, particularly once you start venturing into the late 20s/early-30s range. There is a fine line between necessary sexual experience and hoe’ing but it is there nonetheless. Once a woman hits post-college years I dont know any many men that find virgins to be a good look. This bipolar spectrum of extreme sexual conservatism or extreme verbalized sluttery expressed by some BW is also a factor I believe adds to IR dating on behalf of BM, but I digress….

  12. Kevin Williams says:

    This is a good read… I’m one of those guys that actually don’t care care about the “number” because your experiences with me are with me. So it shouldn’t matter what you did prior to me. Going further…in a weird kind of way if you want your lady to have full pliability in the sack, then the number would probably have to be higher than first thought. These insecure guys foolishly relate high “numbers” to looseness…

  13. I beg to differ Bree. There are so many things we have to worry about as women. There is STD’s, pregnancy, broken hearts, being used, poverty. By staying a virgin, I just took STD’s,pregnancy and imminent poverty off the list, but doing something simple. Not having sex.

    I think we have all gotten this sexual freedom thing wrong. Do you know that AIDS is the 2 killer of Black people in this country? Oh and majority of the people contracting HIV are Black women between the ages of 15-30. In about 10 years a lot of Black women (mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends) are going to start dying of AIDS related diseases.

    Did you know that most of the women and children below the poverty are single Black women. That is not fair to me. We need to stop talking about sexual freedom the way we do. The truth is women get pregnant, men don’t. More women get STD;s than men do because our sexual organs are in our bodies.

    We are hurting ourselves more than we are helping. I am not saying that men should be out there running around either, but we really need to re-think this idea that women can get out there and have all the sex they want. It is simply not practical. Just ask all of the teen girls out there that are pregnant. We are the adults. We need to set a good example for these young girls. Yes you may have escaped STD’s and maybe even pregnancy, but we need to look at the big picture. Sats prove that majority of women are not that fortunate.

    Oh and as far as “safe sex” I believe that you should protect yourself if you do decide to have sex, but lets face it how many people really do? Look at the big picture.

  14. mike says:

    Now I’m cuious.. how many people DID you sleep with? You must have “high mileage” if he has’nt spoken to you in a week!! hate to say it but you number is important to us. Like Maryann said “10 is one” I like that math!! you have to lie to us.

  15. Sandy says:

    One answer: LIE. It has nothing to do with virtue, morale or anything of the sort, its common sense–esp if your # is over 8. Don’t believe the sexually liberated woman hype…men DO care about your sex number and you WILL be judged accordingly. Women like to live in fantasy land but reality is that men are competitively territorial and he is not gonna put his flag down where he thinks every other man has been. Men looking for a relationship dislike rollers just as much as they dislike adult virgins. He like to convince themselves they are marrying some kinda virtuous woman so he doesnt want some fastass woman to be the mother of his children. For those who arent convinced, do a little web search of the numerous men that write blog posts about “how to identify a slut” or “traits that make a woman a freak or hoe.”

  16. Incognegro says:

    @Promise – girl, I respect your hustle, but humbly disagree. You can wait all you want and I hope you find a man that meets your standards before you get too along in years – and I hope he really puts it down – but you won’t know if he did because he’ll be the only one…oh well.

    G. Lady – Your man maybe trying to find a way out – if he loves you, he doesn’t care about the number. What you do need to be is honest with him. If the numbers are different because you don’t know -then that’s one thing. If they are different because you were on the creep while yall were together – then that’s something else all together. Which ever the case – talk to him, reassure him and then rock his world. He’ll forget all about the Toms and Harry, Dicks you had before him. Sounds like you used to really get your freak on before him, let him know that now you are his freak and no one elses. Continue with your shower and talk to his best man – he know’s how your man is reacting.

    To all the ladies – keep the actual number to yourself unless you have a man who gets off on that type of info. Myself, I don’t give a f what your number is. I’m knocking it out now and I’m good at what I do so I’m not intimidated by stories of those who came before me.

  17. Bree says:

    This is really not a man’s business! It is only self serving ego maniac concern just like it is none of a woman’s business how many women he slept with. People are so petty! These days women have more sex partners period, and if u are still a virgin that can pose MORE problems OH SWEET.

  18. This is my topic right here. OMG I am single woman and I have yet to have sex. See I am waiting for that one special man. I am not about to share my heart and soul with someone who is not going to commit to me. This might sound weird but I truly believe that having sex is connected to our very souls, and no I am not going to start preaching.

    I will say that it is man kind who has made sex something we “can’t” live without. I am living prof. Ladies free yourself. DON’T HAVE SEX until that man has made the commitment of marriage. When you get married there is plenty of time to to explore pleasure and teach each other were the sweet spot is.

    Of course if you are not virgin there is always time to start.

    G. Lady-Tell your man the truth, and work through it. If he is upset about it now, he will be upset after you get married. It is just a matter of time.

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