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ADVICE: My Man Or My Mama?

Okay.  This one is OPEN advice.  I know exactly what I’d tell this reader, but I want to hear your opinions on this one.  Today’s “Tip” was inspired by this.

________________________

sadwoman

I am a 36 year old female living in the Bronx.

No kids.  I have been single for the last seven years, and hadn’t until like recently sexed a man since 2005.  Yes, that is long!  I was so blessed (with your 9 Tuesdays help) when a man walked into my life this year.  I mean, literally just walked in.  He is not nothing like I had thought he would have been.  He is just good to me, treats me like gold, and sexes me like crazy.  But he lives in another state.   Like far away, can anyone say Texas?  Yes, Texas.  We spent the summer with each other going back and forth and this man has got it together!  As for me, I am unemployed and facing eviction.  I am a well known actress too, at least in commercials, and this is very hard for me to be in.  I got laid off a job, and I have only a few cents left to my name.  I got mostly broke because of a charity I did to help people, and I got the short end of the stick.  Got stuck with the bills.  When I visited this man in TX, his home is lovely.  He is stable.  He has kids from a marriage but they do not live with him.  When I was town this summer, he introduced me to his parents.  Things are serious.  Moving kinda fast, but I don’t see how we could slow it down as if the distance is not enough of a damper.

Anyway, he told me if I needed a place to go if I am evicted, I can move in with him, take a breather, and look for work.  We even discussed moving someplace new together, but that takes time.  I would have to move to TX.   I hate NYC by the way.  Just loathe it!   I thought that this could be a fresh start for everything I ever wanted.  BUT…I don’t know.  I am afraid.  The alternative is to move back home with my mama.  But at 36, I just can’t.  Maybe if I had a man in town, I can split up the time at his place.   But I cannot see myself in my my mama’s basement at my age going stir crazy.  Also, when my man comes in town he won’t be able to stay at my mama place incurring more debt on us to look for hotels.

I am currently looking for work, no interviews yet.  Even if I went back home, found a job, I still have debt I owe and finding another apt will be hard as hell, harder than ever with the eviction on it.  If I go to TX, anything is possible. I want to be married, I want a baby.  I’ll be taking a big step into faith and love.  Where should I go?? What do I do with my apartment?  I can’t stay!  Help!

Free Fallin in BX,

*Gena

*names have been changed for privacy

16 COMMENTS

  • Coco

    I know she’s feeling him right now….BUT, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT move in with him until you got your stuff together or until he puts a ring on it. You would be a guest and living on egg shells, what if you had a fight and he told you to get out? You would have no legal recourse to stay and now have to find a way to pay to get back home to your mother.

    If he’s the one, he’ll want you to better yourself or make a commitment to be in it for the long haul.

  • EbonyLolita

    GENA don’t be afraid to start over. Unfortunately it’s more secure to start over in your mother’s home then this man you’ve just met. A promise is a comfort to a fool. I’d move in with mom and if he’s willing to support you then he’ll fill in the blanks when you need it. By fill in the blanks I mean drop a lil $$$ when asked. He can emotionally support you by flying out a lil more now since your $$ is needed to rebuild your situation.

    If you’ve got the ambition to succeed then you’ll do it as fast as Opportunities allow you to. Your mother’s attitude or nosiness might be the extra push you need to motivate you to get another job. This is my advice to you Tek it or Leave it. But Good Luck all the way in Love/Life/Career

    Love,
    EbonyLolita 😉

  • Athena Nike

    Ken, where were you when I got laid off last year??

  • Ken

    Another man’s opinion. I’ve read Brian’s in the past and he can be off the mark.

    I agree with THC, BB, and Zabeth’s second comment. The idea of shacking up with no collateral goes against anything that I would recommend to her (or my own daughter if I had one).

    1. Let the eviction happen. Join the hundreds of other thousands going through the same ish. In the long-run, banks and creditors will look back at 2009 differently than any other time. With unemployment at 10%, you have a good excuse.

    2. Suck it up and live with moms for at least three months after you nail down a J-O-B. Yea, it sucks. Yea, your man can’t walk around the house in his boxer shorts. But you get what you need and that is some chips in your pocket. Don’t waste it playing catchup on your rent. When you move down to be with Mr. Texas you aren’t 100% at his will and mercy. The only thing worse than being homeless and broke in New York/at your mamma’s is being homeless in broke 1,500 miles away from New York/at your mamma’s.

    3. You need a commitment if you’re going to get married. The adage, “why buy the milk when the cow is for free” is very true. Guys will milk the “live-in girlfriend” schtick forever. Don’t know how old you are but if you’re trying to get wifed up, you need to have more than just trust that he will make you his wife. Letting you bed down with him during cold months isn’t a lifelong committment. The benefits of marriage are many for those who shack up: mainly taxes and estate related.

    Best of luck with whatever you choose.

  • The Hooker Chronicles

    I hate to see a woman or man make relationship decisions based on a desperate situation such as moving in with someone cause you have no place to go.

    I wish her the best though!

  • BB

    Men say and do a lot of things when they don’t have regular access to you. Move to Texas only if you are SURE he is serious about a future with you. Get a ring!!! Better yet, elope (quickly)! Words and intentions don’t mean a thing, unless backed up with a ring!

    No woman loses her mystery/value in the eyes of her lover faster than a live-in girlfiend with no job, no money, no friends nearby, no outside life. Eventually, he will want to see what you bring to the table since he’ll be supporting you. Make sure you have a backup plan and consider other ways to make $$$. You don’t want to be alone and broke in Texas. You are already doing that in New York… (And, be smarter about $. Charity? No more victimhood. Own your decisions. You’re an adult. Good Luck to you and please keep us posted)

    BTW, Brian is right. Sit down with him and discuss expectations.

  • soledtress

    Wow, I thought I was reading about me except the man part lol…I was going to suggest to stay with your mom for 3-6 months and stack up some dough and then move to TX so you will have a little cash like hiphopmuse said……

    then I read Brian’s advice and I think what he is suggesting is the best advice so far…Good Luck and let us know how things worked out.

  • Damalie

    Go for it! Move to Texas. (refer to Alpha Female tip # 17)

  • Brian

    A man’s perspective:

    If he told you that you can come stay with him while you get on your feet; he doesn’t plan on letting you leave. Men don’t throw around giving up their freedom all willy-nilly. The grown-up thing to do is to sit down with him and work out a plan. Let him know what your expectations are and have him express his expectations to you. Do this in a neutral place. And if your expectation is to get there and get a job and all that, tell him and then do it. Don’t get there, get all comfortable and then change it all up.

    It sounds like he has the kind of ends that can support a wife and kids and might be ready for that. You just need to be clear with him. Or maybe he just wants to shack up until you get on your feet and then help you get an apartment – who knows? Regardless, at least your dollar will stretch further in Texas – so if you get put out, you can survive a little easier. (just kidding on that last part) 🙂

  • "Gena"

    I guess I shouldbe packing up my suitcase! I know it is a risk. I know. @Zabeth, if I could get my life together first I would but that would entail me back at my mama house for who knows how long and at my age I rather not. I can get my life together with a partner. Wow, did I just get my answer, then why am I so afraid? Thank you for all the advice and for any more to come 🙂

  • Zabeth

    Tough spot. I feel like there has to be more to this story like how did she get into these dire straits- and they are dire straits! My first thought is to go with your man, go to Texas! BUT there are 2 big, glaring, problems here:

    1.) She doesn’t have any money. My concern is that she will become financially dependent on him which does not bode well for any relationship. You definitely don’t want jump into a relationship and move in with a man out of financial desperation. To some men, an inability to manage money well can be unattractive or a detriment to the relationship.

    2.) Has he proposed to her? It sounds like he may be on that track but, I PERSONALLY don’t like the idea of living with a man without an engagement. From what I’ve seen and experienced in life, once you move in with a boyfriend it takes him that much longer to propose and make things legal than if you had lived separately or, the woman becomes his baby’s mama and she wants to be married. But then again, it’s a situation where she’s about to be homeless.

    It’s a tough call, but my advice would be to get your life in order first and then move toward taking the relationship to the next level.

  • Athena Nike

    I am not about to say run and go shack with this good man, but I will definitely say don’t move back in with mama. She will suck the life out of you…yes, that is my experience…

  • Ms Stiletto

    Blah Blah Blah. Its so obvious what it is she REALLY wants to do but she is holding her own self back. So just do it!! Or maybe she needs to Reread 9 tuesdays again…

  • hiphopmuse

    I think she should go. What’s there to lose? She wants to be with the guy anyway. However, I would suggest stacking some chips so as to not be totally dependent on the guy once she gets to TX. Gotta have a plan B & C.

  • Jubilance

    Why does she even need advice? I mean seriously.

    She knows what she wants to do, she knows what she should do, but she’s still stuck.

    The obvious answer is, go be with your man!

  • Dolores

    Well, Gena girl, you got it bad! You need to sit down with a pastor and figure out your next step in prayer.

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