ADVICE: My Girl Is Driving Me Away!

iStock/Credit: franckreporter
iStock/Credit: franckreporter

Dear Alphanista,

I know you don’t probably get a lot of email from men but I need help!

Me and my girl have been together for the last 2 years.  She got my kid, a little less than a year old.  Cool.  So, all was good until the baby came.  She started being more demanding, wanting more money, and my time.  Before you go into seeing me as a dude who’s not in my child’s life, I am.  We live together.  I take care of all the bills with the help of my second job.  I am never home.  I’m working hard.  So what does she want more money for?  To shop, eat out with girlfriends, and expensive ass baby clothes.  $45 baby shoes?  I’m basically an ATM.  I could be an ATM outside of the relationship and be with someone who can sex me when I want and be home when I get there.  I want to leave her.  Like yesterday.  But she got my kid.  But everyday that passes, I start to hate her a little more.  Sometimes, I even fantasize about her not ever coming back home so it could just be me and my son.  I don’t want to leave my son, because if she is like this now with me in the house, imagine how it’s going to be if I leave.  Drama.

What should I do?

Almost broke in Jersey City, NJ,

*Keith

_______________________________

I know EXACTLY what I would tell Keith, but this is OPEN advice.  Can anyone see what I see in this email?

22 comments

  1. S says:

    I think it’s easy for all the women here to get angry and not see what this man is doing. Keith, you call her ‘my girl’, you work 2 jobs and you want to be around the baby: sounds to me like you want to do what’s right by providing for your kid and kid’s mother, married or not. And that’s what a real man does so that’s good.
    We don’t know her side of the story and maybe all she wanted was your money for 18 years. If that;s the case, get out and make sure you have rights to stay in your son’s life.
    But you say since the baby, she has wanted more of your TIME which means that she wants you and your attention as well as your money. Do you give her attention, not just when you want sex but to spend time together?
    There are lots of reasons why a woman acts like that after she had a baby: Maybe she doesn’t want you anymore BUT: Maybe she is covering for depression and anxiety with all that spending and wanting to see her girlfriends and eating out. Maybe she’s missing your company and attention now you work so much. Maybe she always spent too much and she needs YOU to take the lead and talk with her about how YOUR money, the FAMILY money will be spent, like okmasonok said. She might need to grow up now she has a kid: help her with that!
    You two were attracted to each other and stayed together 2 years, that’s not nothing. You need to talk respectfully and honestly about what it is that got you attracted to each other, what you think a family should look like and how you’re gonna look after each other instead of tearing each other down.
    You need to make a decision Keith: do you want a hot girl for sex? then get out and arrange visitation with your son. Or do you want to create a family? Then talk to your baby’s mother about the family you both want. Decide together how to spend less so you work less and spend more time together. When you look back in 10 years, what will you want to see?

  2. okmasonok says:

    First, ask yourself if your relationship with were formed on the basis of providing her with gifts. Is this a monster you created which has progressed to the point where you can no longer stand or support it? If so, she is probably not going to be interested in changing and staying with you. This is assuming that she really isn\’t all that into you and maybe never was.

    Next, if she is into you, or at least used to be, maybe she is spending more money to reward herself for being a mother, missing out on other opportunities, and not having you and your appreciation and affection around to reward her. Are you working so much to pay the bills or to avoid her? Do you show her love when you are together? If not, why? Give some serious thought to this one because it may be the answer to the problem with your relationship.

    Either way, I think you need to have two conversations with her. Both conversations should be out of love and concern for the relationship rather than angry and accusatory.

    One conversation should be about finances. Express to her that your family needs a budget to fulfill it needs and maybe work on it with her. This way you both see the income amounts, all of the expenses, and whether or not your family has a surplus or is operating in the negative. The two of you could see that some of those expenses are required and others could be cut. You might learn that you are spending a lot of money as well. Maybe she doesn\’t truly grasp what her spending habits are doing. If you are operating with a surplus, you could decide to spend some of it shopping for fun or save some. Come up with a plan together based on what\’s available and what\’s required. This approach won\’t single her out and make her defensive, and you both might learn some important things about your finances.

    The other conversation should be about the health of your relationship. This is going to need to be just a genuinely interested question about how she\’s feeling. She might blow it off, but let her know you\’re really interested in knowing how she\’s feeling right now. If she still blows it off and you have concerns, bring them up, but bring them up in that relaxed, caring manner. I wouldn\’t bring up the spending specifically because you\’re handling it with the other conversation. If you are afraid that she doesn\’t care anymore for example, bring it up. Don\’t beat her over the head with it. Express the concern and ask for her opinion. Based on her response, you may have a good conversation. If she doesn\’t have much to say at the moment, drop it for now, and she will probably have a conversation about it with you later after she has had time to think about it.

    Based on how she responds with action for the next few months, you will know if she is trying or not and be forced to make your decision for yourself. When you have a child with someone, you should consider yourself locked into financial support and having a relationship with them for a long time — the life of your child. This shouldn\’t affect your decision either way. Ask yourself if you can and want to work it out or not and if you have an equally willing partner.

  3. Zabeth says:

    I can’t believe there are women out there that think like that? I guess because I don’t know women like that I can’t fathom them?

  4. Maryann says:

    LOL Ive seen so many men get hoodwinked by the system, Keith sounds like he wants to do good. The way his woman is playing it will make her single, and on the system.

  5. Maryann says:

    There’s a diamond of advice in every comment here.

    Here’s what I see: A girlfriend who cannot wait for you to leave. She wants you gone. That way, she can collect child support. A lot of women are hip to the child support system and are using it to their advantage. There are 2 sides to every story, we only have yours. But what it sounds like is a woman who wants to live life on her own terms and smart enough to know she can get a nice check from you on a monthly basis without the dead weight you bring. If you really want out, on your terms, not hers, go to one of those free legal counseling sessions. Find out your rights as a baby daddy. Get on child support as someone else said, move out, and get visitation in place. As it stands now, it can turn into a toxic environment for everyone.

    She is not your wife. Sometimes, people need to be reminded of that. Maybe with the shock of you making moves to leave, it may cause a wave of change.

    Don’t be used. You have the money. You have the control. Use it while you do.

  6. daphne says:

    I’m rather baffled by a man involved with a woman he doesn’t see fit to marry, but inexplicably ties himself forever to her by having a child. I’ll just say it – it’s stupid. Dumb. Irresponsible. Block Headed. Anyway…..

    Seems like he’s ready to exit, so I’m not sure there’s anything she can do at this point. Even if she did a 180, dude is fantasizing about her not being around. Sounds like it’s been over for a minute.

    Also, word to the wise – if you have to take a 2nd job to cover the bills, you’re financially irresponsible. No one forced him to live with her and pay for her lifestyle. At the end of the day, since they’re not married, she doesn’t owe him anything. Except the ability and time to be a father.

    I also find it difficult to believe that she SUDDENLY became high-maintenance. People show you who they are fairly early – maybe he ignored it before the baby because he could afford it? If he was paying for everything before the baby, then why would she have the expectation that he wouldn’t continue?

    I respect men who love and do all they can to protect and care their women. But any man putting himself in financial risk for a woman he won’t marry is a fool, IMO. Not that marriage is a guarantee of a loving, respectful partner, but I have no respect for anyone who place themselves in peril, then want to point the finger at the other person when they can’t climb out of the hole they dug. I have no qualms with her, really. She’s just playing her position, as she has likely done from day one, and he’s decided he doesn’t like it anymore.

    And I must say it again – why the hell would a man have a child with a woman to whom he’s not married? SMH

  7. BB says:

    I don’t believe that she hid her spending habits before the child. You chose her anyway and were willing to pay. Now that she had your baby, you want change? If you wanted on demand sex and companionship without determining her needs, you messed up. You should have gotten yourself a jumpoff/prostitute- not a family.

    If you wanted to work it out, which I doubt you do, you’ll sit her down and discus (respectfully, of course- she’s the mother of your child) spending habits and expectations. Be prepared to hear her side. But, if you want out, then just leave. Keep in mind that either way, you will still be paying her for at least 18yrs.

    Best of Luck

  8. tender says:

    I agree with the comment above. You are to damn grown to not know how to speak the hell up! Your the man in this relationship,right? Well act like it. Your happiness is just as important as hers is. She should know that already. Don’t wait until you damn near hate her to say something. Say it now. Ya’ll don’t need any bad feelings towards each other while theirs a child involve. So clear the smoke while there’s still a chance. Good luck,hun

  9. Zabeth says:

    They both sound very selfish to me and I don’t believe that the problems are all the woman’s doing. Perhaps the baby mama does need to rein in her spending, but having a child will make significant demands of your time and money. Maybe that fact recognized before the baby came, or maybe he didn’t really want- or wasn’t quite ready for- a family to begin with (i.e. they apparently weren’t ready to make the solid commitment of marriage before having the child). He doesn’t sound very excited about having a family, he sounds more interested in having a hot girl he can sex on the regular- which is fine if that’s where you are emotionally. Maybe it is time for him to pull out of the relationship and put himself of child support as another poster stated.

    I am curious to hear what Maryann has to say.

  10. Athena Nike says:

    If your child is just over a year old, and you’ve been together 2 years that means she got you at the beginning. Your wallet and support may have been her target from jump, and I am sorry for your situation cause you wasn’t thinking about baby clothes when you were blowing her back out and hers cause she probably is expecting a ring right about now. You’re both paying, she just hasn’t blogged here how she cooks, cleans, takes care of his child, quit school, shamed her mama…etc…So I have little sympathy.
    Counseling is in order if you 2 can’t get eye to eye where you are not plotting her “disappearance”
    You can’t change her, she has to want to. Even if you leave, she won’t change – the money will be fixed but w/o joint custody your child becomes a commodity, and she’ll just be on the look out for the next sucker.
    But you can change you, Thankfully. Your money, you decide what it is spent on, you can shop just as well as she. Since you work so much, make the only shopping day your day off- go as a family eat out, get grocery and needed sundries til the next shopping day.
    Don’t take the victim role, it is not a good look on a grown man.

  11. Joreather says:

    He refers to her a “my girl” & he probably sees her as someone he needs to care for. He needs to delegate some of his responsibilities to his woman so she can start contributing. If she’s going out with friends as much as he says then she has free time. The build up of hatred is going to led to a mess if he doesn’t COMMUNICATE with his woman. He seems to be secretive about his finance. They seem like that couple that tries to keep up with The Jones. If he leaves then she’ll have to grow up. Speak up & stop being an enabler Keith. No one should be that unhappy. Life can improve; work at it.

  12. soledtress says:

    Keith this is a difficult situation that many men seem to face, staying with someone becasue of children. In my opinion you should roll out. If the relationship you want is not there and you don\’t see a future with your girlfriend. And most importanly find a banging ass lawyer and file for custody of your son. Good Luck!

  13. Lark says:

    I suggest they go to counseling* first to work on their issues. If that doesn’t work, and from the sound of what Keith is saying he isn’t interested in making it work with her (not for the sake of the child), I say give her the deuces and go and put himself on child support. Yes, there are men who put themselves on child support. Also I would suggest setting up joint custody with court order visitation agreement .

    Either that or this chick go get a job to support her spending habit. The downside to that: By then hell she’s going to hate him with a vengeance.

    *I’ve been told I’m too black and white so I’m trying to suggest counseling first. *shrugs*

  14. My brother is going through the same exact situation with his daughter’s mother. They live together but he recently lost his job which is a blessing in disguise because now they have to budget.

    He just couldn’t afford getting his girlfriend’s hair and nails done every week with just his income coming in and two small kids.

    But he did those things for his girlfriend because he loved her and wanted to make her happy although he couldn’t afford it.

    Now that he’s on unemployment which is lower than what he made on his job, they are barely getting by, but this bitch still spends money like crazy.

    I love my brother to death, but I can’t keep loaning them $1000 here and $500 there just so they can maintain a lifestyle that they can’t afford.

    I have to cut back on my own extravagant spending habits just to help them out.

  15. If their financial situation is in Jeopardy because of her extravagant spending habits, then he must take drastic measures and get a financial counselor.

    I personally think it’s selfish and irresponsible for her to ignore his concerns over her spending.

    We are in a recession right now, and she’s a CUNT if she willingly destroys her family because she can’t stop spending money.

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