ADVICE: Married Women Are Evil

Dear Alphanista,

I’ve been tryin’ to figure this out for the longest!

I am single, 27, around my married friends some older some younger.  One by one they all started slipping away as soon as they got married.  Some of us went to school together and we were tight before.  Okay, I do understand that when you are married you have more things to do and your family becomes the priority.  But the only times I hear from these chicks now is through the mail or email with photos of their babies and what not.  When I reply or send a gift or acknowledgement they never reply.

So, I stopped.  But it bugged me.  It hurt me.  So, I have two married friends that live near me, and everytime I ask them about hooking me up with somebody single they know (and they know!) it’s always, “You are okay by yourself.  You can’t rush things.  You have to be patient.” Excuse my language.  But I’m like BITCH, I want someone like you have.  They laugh.

I’m not a scrub, I am beautiful, have won several awards, have a nice apartment decent car, great job tech consultant job, and men come at me all the time.  I just am tired of dating random strangers.  Okay, so when we’re on the phone and I’m talking about what kind of man I want they discourage me that I am thinking crazy and I need to learn to accept my life as a single person until the right man comes.  Can you believe this?  I am asking for help.  These are supposed to be my friends.  I can’t wait to get married to show them how to treat others.  It’s like they don’t want me to get married.  Are they jealous?  Is that possible?  They have like a haughty attitude, sort of elitist and I can’t stand it!

So through.
Jade

_________________________________________________________

Dear Jade:

This is really hurting you, and you have every right to be pissed at them.

You know this is one of the most unspoken issues among women.  Granted there are married women who want to help or hook friends up, but there are many more who don’t.  Many married women and, some have told me this themselves, believe that they are better than single people.  In most people’s mundane lives, being married is the pinnacle of their existence.  It makes them “unique”.  If you take that away, they are nothing again.

You, Jade, may be like that woman that they want to be, wanted to be or their husband would date.  It does sound like you have a lot going on for you, so you have many things to be proud of and speak about.  They are probably wondering why do you need any more blessings.  Look, I’m being raw here.  These are day to day feelings most people don’t talk about.  They don’t want someone to have more than they do.  It boils down to a feeling of lack.  Like there isn’t enough happiness to go around.  If I hook her up, and she gets happier than me, then what does that say about me?  What do I do?  No one wants to explain this.

Now, you know I gotta bring it back.  Years ago, women used to look out for women when it came to men.  Suggesting this guy that guy.  Having little parties.  Hooking up their single girls, etc.  It was in order.  They believed there were lots of men, everybody deserved one.

But as soon as talks of “shortages” and “all the good ones are taken” comes up, everybody grabs on to theirs.  If you get married, then they have someone else to compete with.  You’ll take them out of their comfort zone of “being better than”.  These are not true friends.  True friends who are happy, want to spread it around to everyone, even strangers.

This is not to say that married women are obligated to do anything.  They don’t have to hook their friends up.  But as in most situations that a friend would need help—with a job, party planning, babysitting, it’s expected that they would help here.

Finally, stop asking these type of married friends to hook you up.  Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you single and wanting what they have.  Live your life, find alternative (non random methods) to bring that man in your life because you will.  Let’s see how many friends you’ll have then?

From Alphanista w/love

MR

31 thoughts on “ADVICE: Married Women Are Evil

  1. @SingleBad it is what it is, single people are not happy single (at least that is the myth) and married folk aint happy married…..I dont believe either, but folk usually want what they cant have, i love being with one man only, i couldnt imagine playing the field not at my age, but I am very comfortable with being ME…faults and all, and i dont pay married women any mind with their neurosis, they have lots to deal with, I just be me and live.

  2. Great post! I’m joining the Alpha circle just for this article. But here’s another scenario about the married woman which nobody mentions.. PEEP GAME.. The reason why many of them won’t be bothered with their single friends is because there are tons of married women cheating on their husbands! (@TLED pay attention)..They lie and say they are out with their single girlfriend and lost track of time, or they blame their girlfriend when their husbands get suspicious. This causes the husband to be mad at the single girlfriend thus the reason why the wife doesn’t call/hang with them as much. Plus she feels guilty anyway for playing her girlfriend out. The prettier, more outgoing, fun, and established the single friend is, the easier it is for the husband to believe it since he’s probably attracted to her anyway. There it is.. One of my married girlfriends slowly stopped calling me and her husband was acting real shady early on like I had done something to him. I got the hint fast and stopped calling her. Other friends and family members would see my married friend hanging out with guys other than her husband or at the club (as if she was single). She even travels out of town on her hook ups! Since I love to travel and used to do so on the regular when we both were single she started to compete by saying she went all these places.That’s when I put 2 and 2 together and realized she was using my name. I’ve since moved away from the city we lived, but we still hang out some when I come to town. Luckily, she has a man that just wants to be married (pinnacle of his existence), so he overlooks her indiscretions I’m sure.

    @D.S.T. You are miserable and hilarious. And sadly, your husband is probably cheating on you right now with the single girlfriend you think he hates.. How do I know most of my married friends are miserable? Because they start every sentence to me with, “If I was single and had no kids, I’d be doing the same thing..” haha. I have only one married girlfriend whose realistic and knows she bought into the social fairytale (shout out Erika Jones)..And that’s who I’m cool with and will have her back if she needs help with anything. The rest of them are miserable and mad cause they have no life, and try way too hard to make me believe they are happy. A few of them never did anything in life except get married so they have to play it up at every social gathering and family function.

    Meanwhile they’re sitting there being fake wondering if I’m still having great $ex (YES), what exotic place am I going to next, and how much better their husband would treat them if they actually brought something else to the table other than their baby making ability..

    The only reason why single women feel inadequate is because we’re programmed early through children’s books, commercials, movies, and other media that we are nothing unless we get married. What a fraud.

  3. Jade,

    I completely understand. My roommate just got engaged and I am more than happy for her. I went to high school with her and have lived with her for nearly 4 years of college. Currently, I’ve decided that her recent anti-social and passive aggressive behavior is due to the stress of college, working and planning a wedding all at the same time. Still, it does hurt. These are things she once talked to me about. We hardly ever speak at all anymore and we live together! I’ve asked a few times what was wrong but she just says something like “bad day at work” or “not feeling well.”

    If she doesn’t want to tell me, fine. It’s none of my business, but I still felt like she was my friend.

  4. I’ve just written a comment literally about an hour or so ago, and just read other comments in regards to hooking up single friends. Honestly, I think that 90% of the time (maybe even higher), the real reason why people DON’T want to get involved with the whole hook up thing with friends, is because if it goes sour (and in some cases REALLY bad) NO ONE wants to be responsible for anyone’s failed relationship. People try to salvage or maintain their own relationships…how much more dealing with feelings of guilt for someone else’s failed relationship because YOU hooked them up. Now ideally, everyone is an adult and an individual with half a brain, and should be able to sense that a person MAY NOT be worth pursuing or going out with after 2 dates, and just end it. But oh no…..they take it deeper and the next thing you know, the blame conveniently gets put on the person that did the initial “hook up”.

    In relation to the comment listed by the person noted as as “cypher” back in Jan ’09, that felt her friend made a “dumb” comment about her “…..having everything she needs WITHOUT a man…”…, believe it or not, I think she may be actually attempting to pay you a compliment…at least that what I was attempting to do when I told my single friend the same thing. :-) My friend talks about how she is ready for marriage…etc. The essence of that comment, at least from MY perspective is, of course you would love to have a man to MAKE A HOME WITH and have companionship and everything else that’s suppose to define marriage. But you’ve managed to take care of yourself and accomplish alot and have lived alot and lived well while single without needing a husband to help provide it for you( which some women wait for a man to give it to them, or rely heavily on their husband’s income). You’re one of a kind and it will take a one of kind man to handle an independent, accomplished women like you which means, “just anybody” won’t do or shouldn’t do….and take note that I don’t mean to imply that a taxi driver won’t be able to relate to you compared to a white collar professional. Just simply making reference to the TYPE/CHARACTER of a man THAT WILL APPRECIATE A WOMAN THAT CAN, AND IS WILLING TO PULL HER WEIGHT WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. Now, if this individual said the comment she made to imply that you’re the type of woman that was waiting around to marry just for “trappings”/material gain, then…..it’s not fair for her to make that judgement towards you AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES THE COMMENT DUMB :-)

  5. Welll……I don’t know. If I were to read between the lines, I think her friends might be on to something and really mean her no harm. I mean, most likely from how I understand this article, Jade might be “romanticizing” marriage when her FRIENDS are actually trying to tell her in their own way that it’s not all what she may think…..THAT IT’S ALOT OF WORK IN EVERY WHICH WAY, so she should appreciate her time being single and do all she can while she can as a single woman, UNTIL SHE TRULY MEETS A MAN THAT’S MORE COMPATIBLE WITH HER. I think its nice for a friend to advice her to be patient. I mean you certainly shouldn’t rush to get married just to say you’re married…and I honestly feel that’s really where her friends are coming from. It’s unfortunate that Jade sees it as them being “elitist”. Believe me she shouldn’t take these things personally. Truly, I strongly believe that they are encouraging her to really wait until the time is right because marriage itself BECOMES THE PRIORITY….and then just wait until the babies come. Not to mention work, family and yes other married friends that end up relating to each other. Sometimes that’s just what happens. Which is why unless you have outgrown certain ways of thinking and doing things, marriage can wait. Because you can’t be selfish….you have to learn to compromise and make sacrifices. In my experience, I was one of the first to get married within my peer group. Once I got married, my husband and I became expectant parents immediately after the wedding so not only did I have to cope with newlywed drama and delights but becoming a new mother too. In between work and school, to add to the mix, I just had little time to be on the phone with my bridesmaids (who at the time were not dating or married). I still attempted to always connect with them though on any level. But frankly I began to feel the rift that THEY gave me along with hidden looks and comments from one bridesmaid that incenuated that the others were talking negatively about me behind my back. My parents stated that it was likely they felt the same way this woman, Jade is feeling, and I too should learn to ignore it and not take it personally and just remain cordial. Well…..nine years after my wedding, 4 out of the six bridesmaids are now NEWLY married (only one have been married about 5 years) and are mothers also. And I think now, they may be able to understand and relate to what I had to adjust to as a newlywed/now 9 yr. married woman. Really, this type of advice that she’s being given can only come from true friends. Otherwise some women would try to really rub it in her face by making their married life and love seem bigger than romance itself, when it may not be the truth or the whole truth.

  6. Thank you for your posts, ladies–they really helped me figure out what\’s been bugging my friend. I\’m a single lady with a married girlfriend who recently offered to set me up with a friend. She didn\’t describe the man very well, saying she didn\’t really know him very well. The set up finally happened, after months of delay. It it turns out the man is a gem. When I speak to her about him she kind of sighs and acts bored, as if she could care less.
    I realize now it\’s because she is jealous. She wanted me to be happy on one hand, but she didn\’t want me to be happier than she is with her man. this was just more than she bargained for. now she\’s jealous.

  7. Hmmm. Somehow, I understand this situation from both sides. As a single woman I can respect Jade wanting to the find Mr. Right and get married like all her “friends.” However, I just wondered if these women were really close friends or just acquaintances to begin with. Her letter just did not make that clear to me how tight she was with these women. I do believe that there was some type of competition among the group of women and maybe they do feel the have a “One- up” on Jade because she is still single. However, do I believe these women are jealous of her, hell no. People grow, women become mothers and a different mindset comes over them. It does not mean they have the right to be condescending, self absorbed A-holes who want to spread misery instead of spreading the love; on the other hand, these women are not responsible for Jade’s happiness, she is.

    As much as I appreciate Jade and her come-up, she seems a tad needy and needs to take a big girl pill and move on because the best friend you can make is with yourself- point blank. I do agree with Maryann that they were never really her friends to begin with but I think Jade was being a tad bit dramatic in the email (or is it just me). I am being honest and as a single woman, she is singing the ” I want a husband” hymn to the wrong church. Those so called friends ain’t trying to help a sistah out because they have husbands and kids that are probably driving them up the wall ( as fulfilling as marriage and kids may be).

    Is she trying to tell me that these are the only group of friends she has? Come on, now! I’m pretty sure she has single girlfriends that she don’t want to be bothered with because they call her up crying about that last man it didn’t work out with all the time- she could be that girl to her married “friends” (just a thought). Besides, it depends what Jade and her “friends” had in common to begin with, which may not be much.
    Basically, I just think Jade needs to grow up ( I know, we all want our girls to roll with us like those Sex and the City chicks, but that just might not be the reality for everyone). Besides, if Jade is anything like Carrie crying over Big for the 1100th time- OMG! LOL! Who would want a friend like that. However, I understand Jades desire to want to get married, but it is HER DESIRE, not her associates. So, Jade needs to take the bull by the horns, grab her ovaries and make some much needed changes like getting rid of negative people who don’t wish her well and making an action plan to land that right MAN, get married, start from scratch with new friendships and keep it moving – that’s it.

  8. As a married person, I’ll say this:

    1. People change. When you get married, some of the single girl things you used to do don’t interest you anymore or you simply don’t have time for them anymore. It doesn’t mean that your friends aren’t a priority–they just aren’t at the top of the list. A phone call is not too much to ask for though…

    2. Being in any type relationship takes work– from being a good spouse, a good parent, a good breadwinner and yes, even a good friend. Often times, I find that I don’t have extra time for myself–much less that of a friend. The good thing for me is that my friends understand this. They know that I love them even though I don’t talk to them everyday and we don’t hang out that often. When we do get together, it’s like nothing has changed though. THAT is real friendship.

    3. Everything has a season. Maybe the season for that friendship has passed.

    4. If you ask someone to hook you up with someone they know and they don’t do it–take it as a good thing. They could be trying to save you from some mess they already know about. Instead of looking at it as hating or jealousy…they simply may not know anyone they think is good enough for you. There may be a little something about “Craig” that they feel makes him ineligible for you.

    5. At the age of 37, all of the single men that I know…NEED to be single. Period.

    6. I have a die hard rule of no hookups. If you’re at my house and a single friend is there that you want to hook up with…you’re on your own. I used to tell my girlfriends “he’s nice” and then when he turns out not to be…there are problems.

  9. N. Downings I’m not angry. Just sharing some first-hand experience from the other side. As for being a control freak, I learned a long time ago that the only things you can control in life are what you put in your mind, and how you respond.

  10. Sometimes people just outgrow each other. Perhaps, instead of looking at your married friends as haters or being jealous of you, how about seeing them as people who are in different places in their lives? I don’t know anything about the people that Jade speak of so there’s probably more to the relationships that she can truly share in a brief letter. However, as a happily, married woman, I can honestly say that I don’t envy my single friends anything and that I have a very full and rich life filled with a great career and awesome family and friends — both married and single. When I was single, I wasn’t a match-maker and I didn’t ask anyone to hook me up. And guess what? As a married person that hasn’t changed. I don’t really think about the relationship aspect of any of my friends. I only care about their happiness. If one of them is unhappy about anything, I try to encourage her to do something about it regardless of the area of her discontent and I would expect the same from her.

    In reality, people grow apart regardless of their marital status. Maybe the distance occurred because the friendships had run their course before they got married and now its just easier to live in the life that they created with their spouse. One thing is for sure, most married women are not the villians that they are being portrayed as here. Perhaps a frank conversation with the friends who are the offenders would be more purposeful the accusations.

  11. I experienced this to a slightly lower degree when I got married. My wife’s friends continued to call at all hours of the night and talk about nothing for hours just like they did when she was single. Meanwhile we’re trying to put kids down and cultivate our own relationship. Insensitive and disrespectful. My wife HAD to start ignoring some of them because that’s the only way they got the message. Now, 8.5 years in, some of them are just now waking up. If married women are evil, single women like the one who wrote this post are bitter, jealous haters.

  12. I guess it’s true that women will only find value in a man if she feels that other women do.

  13. Hey Relationship Coach,

    Regardless of the outcome. If I was the person doing the hooking up…I would stress to them the importance of communicating with each other and clearly stating their expectation from the beginning. If marriage isn’t the ending result so what. Friendships are about helping folks get through the good and bad in life. I’d be the shoulder needed and help my friend move on.

    At the end of the day, you are the one getting paid for your wisdom so you must know something.

    Never mind me…I like to cyber fight.

  14. Relationship coach, each of us could make up about 30 scenarios a piece. Why bother? Excuses are not for this message board.

    D.S.T, you sound like a spoiled child. “I don’t owe my single friends nothing… I FOR ONE DONT TRY TO HELP OUT NO SINGLE FRIENDS… Why should it be easy for her”…WTH? I guess they really aren’t your friends with this bogus statement. “…”

    Question: Do you help out the married friends in whatever endeavor they are attempting?

    Please re-read Maryann because you seem to fit the description. All single women are jealous because you have a husband… WOW!

    Please go mediate/pray and request self esteem and humility.

  15. I wasn’t sure if I was going to enter the fray since I am a man, but here it goes. From a male perspective, which I am not sure it was mentioned, but if the married woman does have a single female friend and single male friend, and she hooks them up and it doesn’t work out, then she is going to get it from both sides, right?

    Another scenario, what if the single man had feelings for her, or their was some sexual tension but of course nothing happened. Then she definitely isn’t going to hook them up in fear that he is the one for her friend. There goes all the attention that she gets, which she doesn’t have to beg from her husband.

    Last scenario, what if the man is a friend of her husband, and it doesn’t work out. Then she will have to curse out her husband.

    Either way, she looses.

  16. “In most people’s mundane lives, being married is the pinnacle of their existence. It makes them “unique”. If you take that away, they are nothing again.”

    BEST LINE FROM BLOG POST!

  17. OH MY GOD WHY DIDNT I SEE THIS EARLIER? WELL OBVIOUSLY NOBODY IS STANDING UP FOR THE MARRIED WOMEN SO I WILL. I DONT OWE ANY OF MY SINGLE FRIENDS NOTHING. I FOUND MY MAN ON MY OWN AND SHE CAN DO THE SAME. WHY SHOULD IT BE ANY EASIER FOR HER? AND STRAIGHT ADMIT IT SINGLE LADIES JUST BE JEALOUS AND HATE TO THINK SOMEONE GOT SOMETHING AND THEY DONT. I FOR ONE DONT TRY TO HELP OUT NO SINGLE FRIENDS, I LIKE WHAT I HAVE AND THEY DONT. JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE!

  18. Women who are secure with themselves have no problem setting up their friends and enlisting their boyfriends/husbands to help. I have two friends from church that are trying to get me married and pregnant before October, 2010! But I have other friends that would rather make comments about single women (we all want their men, we are all sluts and have no shame about taking someone’s man) and I’m like “I’m your friend and single, what do you REALLY think about me?” I’ve had one say that I have everything I need WITHOUT a man (homes, cars, education, career)…which I think is the dumbest comment I’ve ever heard, because I want the husband, family, wealthbuilding and everything else that comes with being in a stable, loving relationship…

    There is a twinge of superiority that some women have because they’re married, but if that is the only thing that makes them feel “better than”, God bless them.

  19. I love this article. I agree with what you’re saying because most women who are either single or married act like straight up jackasses when it comes to hookin’ their friends up due to jealousy. It’s sad, because they are afraid that their friend(s) will find better mate than them. If that’s the case, then perhaps, they need to seek men with morals and not money all the time. Don’t you agree? Well, I have to go. Hope all is well. Great article.

  20. Maryann, you are right this is never talked about and I have xperienced this and my single friends too. We just decided that maybe it was because that’s the way things are! And that is how they are! Jade needs to move on and send her married friends light. Peace!

  21. Im not sure what to make of this post because MOST of my married friends,both young and older are absolutely miserable. Most of them gave up their dreams and aspirations to chase this socially ridiculous fairytale of getting married and having babies.

    Now ALL of them are anti-depressant pill popping, diaper changing slaves and maids….

    men and marriage will be here till the end of time…..

  22. Wow, you should have signed off “With lot and lots of Love” because you put your heart into this response. This something you must of experience as well. Sounds like it came from the soul.

    Beauty and brilliance is a gift and a curse.

  23. Why is poster hanging with a bunch of married women anyway? That may be the real reason why she\’s single.

  24. I’m 26, and over the past couple of years my friends have been pairing off and getting married. I probably have fewer married friends than most women, so it hasn’t really bothered me, other than making me desire my own husband. My married friends have pretty much disappeared on me, but I’m ok with that. I’m not living that life yet, so at this point we don’t have much in common and I’m ok with that. Luckily my married friends aren’t jerks and throwing up the fact they are married in our faces, cause that would make me curse them out and quit them as friends.

  25. SO SAD BUT TRUE! My married friends acted like this, I upped and married and never heard from them again, and YES I DID attempt to reach out. Could it be because my husband is better than hers? LMAO

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