ADVICE: I’m Pregnant and I Want To Leave My Husband?

preggersI just found out that my husband of 5 years has been cheating on me.

He is well to do, financially set and he has been taking care of me and my child from another man for the last 8 years.  Everything is in his name.  I have put all my eggs in one basket and AM currently pregnant with our first child.  This man has blatantly disrespected me.  He doesn’t even care anymore coming home smelling like Bath & Body Works perfume and cheap lipstick on his collar.  I talk to my strong, single girlfriends and they are like, leave him, because I will be set with support and the live good on his alimony.  I do not work, so I know I will get something.

But what I didn’t say is that I love him.  Should I stay?

Morning Sickness Forever, Ci

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Dear Ci:

Why are you going to your girlfriends for advice?

Especially the Single Girl Brigade!  They are the worst.  You need the counsel of a happily married woman/couple, or better yet, a mediator like a marital counselor.  It can be hard to get men to go to counselors but since you got him to marry you everything else should be easier than that.  Ask him.  To definitely decide to leave or stay you need some kind of action on your part. You are way too passive about all this.   You are married and pregnant.  You have only been married for 5 years.   Have you asked your husband what he needs or is trying to communicate to you by cheating?  Does he want the marriage to end?  You know the truth.  Sure, you may get some alimony, but then, what?  You’ll be a single mother.  Is the advice from your girlfriends worth all of that?

You didn’t mentioned HOW you found out your husband is cheating?  Okay so you see perfume and lipstick stains, are they really lipstick stains?  It could be your pregnancy hormones talking, and pregnant women are known to have a peculiar sense of smell.   Stop guessing and be sure before you make any moves.  Most marriages that have a cheating spouse don’t end because of the cheating, they end because of lack of communication.

Stop acting like a sitting duck.  You sound so victimized and are attracting more victimizing experiences.  Go get your husband.  Work on your marriage via counseling and see if there is a chance.  Your baby and future stability is worth it.  But what do I know….

With love from Alphanista,

Maryann

11 comments

  1. jessica says:

    You can only be the one to know what to do. Asking for advice will only bring confusion as everyone will tell you something different, but listening and reading about other woman in the same situations may bring some insight. Here’s what I know…I’m five months pregnant. I’ve found out that my husband has been cheating with not just one woman but has used Craigs List and Fling.com and other sites for one night stands. I have also found pics. of other woman in his phone. On these grounds i know hes cheating and I have to make the choice, not anyone else, but me of what I want to do. I also have other children from a previous marriage which I lost my husband in a motorcycle accident. The fighting has been really hard for them. Children are smart and even though they may not hear it they know it.

    I know I will never trust him, even though he has put himself in counseling, which I demanded if he wanted to even have joint custody of our unborn child. I also, like you love him. Or do I love him out of fear, which is what I am beginning to wonder. I do know that if we divorce I can do it on my own. It wont be my ideal fairytale and it will be hard, but living a life always smelling his shirts, trying to go through his phone, or just plain always wondering is no life to live. I try to look at it if I had a daughter would I want her to stay with a man like this or would I want her to stand up for herself and take action.

    I know its never easy no matter what the choice is and yes counseling may help. If you both really try hard. But he has to want to try and has to meet you more than half way. If he doesnt then you have your answer. Yes my current husband is in counseling but a little to late for me. We were in counseling together and he lied to the counselor that he would never hurt me again and he knows he was wrong but he continued to live his secret lifestyle regardless. I have learned that I cannot control others actions but I can only control me and my choices. I want to feel happy, I want to feel loved and respected, none of which he has given me. You have to decide what you want and work for it. For your children as well.

    I was a single mom for a long time with two children and no job. Worked 3 jobs when I did and was going to college to better myself and family. I had no money and the accident that took my 1st husband was his fault and we received nothing. But I pulled myself up by my boot straps as my grandmother would say, and did what I had to do. I had no help from family, some friends helped with babysitting, but it was mostly on me. So don’t stay out of fear, but I do agree to get yourself some personal counseling for you. I have been so stressed with this pregnancy I am very worried about the health of my baby. I cry a lot, and when my current husband is away for business I go into full panic mode. My counselor has been a big help. But is this what you want, I also find the more I write about it and read it I realize what a fool I have been for staying. Its time to get out for me and move on with my children and life. If I can do it you can. Woman such as ourselves that have dealt with some of the worst fears in a relationship and need to support each other. I will hope for you and your family that you can be given the strength to make the choice that is best for you all, be what it may.

  2. EbonyLolita says:

    Lark get out my head, there’s only room for one. I totally agree. #1 Stop talking to your friends single/married/whateva about your plan of action. No matter what you choose to do you don’t need the hen house clucking your business or for that matter possibly alerting your husband.

    #2 gather hardcore evidence and stash it in a bank safety box. Why?? If you decide to get a divorce you will need to prove infidelity and only facts not “I felt like something was wrong” works in court.

    #3 STASH THAT CASH!!! Open up an account in the baby’s name w/you as the custodian. He won’t expect it at all. He obviously should not know about or obviously have access to it. If you choose to stay then you’ll just be a smarter/richer woman about your situation. If you choose to move you already have your nest egg.
    Good Luck MSF

    Love, EbonyLolita 😉

  3. Lark says:

    I forgot to add this (my apology for it being so long):

    If you decide to STAY:
    Now, if you decide to stay, then please don’t complain about it every day and hold it over him for the next 20 years. It would be beneficial for you to go into counseling because clearly there is a problem.

    If you decide to LEAVE:
    I’ve known women who take years before they leave because they are working their plan (it took me 2 years to leave – he wasn’t loyal – another story for another day).

    I like concrete steps so here are some: 1. Start putting away money (as much as possible). I used Visa giftcards (so it didn’t look like I was hiding anything). 2. Start establishing credit. Check out Suze Orman’s site. This will help when it comes time to get your own spot (bc he might want to trip). 3. Keep a diary. This helps in alimony cases to prove what type of “treatment” she endured “for the sake of the marriage.”

    And with that, I’m done. Good luck and keep us posted.

  4. Lark says:

    If it is alright I would add this to Maryann’s advice….

    She should start stacking her chips (money, networks, connections, etc). Don’t do anything without money. And yes, I am saying that if she decides to leave then she should start stashing money today (hell even if she doesn’t leave she should). I know most “proper women” don’t like this advice, but I don’t care to ways about that because this advice has served many women well. I won’t comment either way on if she should stay or not.

    All I say is make a plan and work the plan to the “T”.

  5. Athena Nike says:

    maryann is right on
    the single friends might have dollar signs in their eyes once your husband is officially back on the market
    once the anger, sadness, frustration has subsided some, seek out a good therapist for your sanity and the sake of the children

  6. Omo Misha says:

    I like Maryann’s advice!

    Obviously, you love him and you do not want to leave. Once that decision has been made, figure out what YOU can do differently to change the course of your relationship. Once you change, everything around you will change; we are always looking for others to change without realizing that we don’t have any control over others. We do have control over ourselves, however, and we can create change by FIRST changing ourselves….even if the other person is in the wrong 😉

    Most importantly, don’t make any dramatic decisions now. Now is not the time! Focus on loving, perfecting, and protecting yourself….and, you’ll see, everything else will fall into place. At least for now, don’t worry about what that man is doing when he’s not home. Relax and have a healthy, happy baby!

  7. Edi says:

    Darlene your attitude is precisely the problem with marriage and women today. A woman like the one in the post can stand on her own and still BE in the marriage. She needs to be proactive and not split. How dare you?

  8. Krizanovich says:

    This is a very difficult situation but I agree with Maryann: talk to someone who is married or who deals with marital counseling. Infidelity can break a marriage or it can be overcome if both of you want to keep the relationship and your home. Also, primary importance is the child of both of you. I know a lot of women who have been in this position who have STAYED with their partners. The marriage changed, but it also endured.

    It is easy for singe girls to say walk, but divorce is rarely easy and getting alimony is extremely stressful and may not be as easy or as much as you think.

  9. Darlene says:

    OMG How can this lady stay?! She needs to get the hell outta dodge fast! Preggers and all! There are tons of single mothers doing well! She needs to stand on her own.

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