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ADVICE: I’m Dating A Pro Athlete

nba ballDear Alphanista:

I really need some honest advice!

I just started talking to a pro athlete online, we have some mutual friends in common. He plays in another state, but lives here in the off season. I told him to send me his number today because I wanted to take the chat offline/into real life.  But I have no idea how to play it when I do actually talk to him. He’s super rich and I usually am the “super independent, I don’t need you” kinda girl.  But that attitude has kept me single & broke for the past 5 years!   I need to do something different to keep his attention especially since he would have a lot of other girls vying for his attention.

I am interested in dating him and I don’t want to mess this up so my question is how should I act with him If I want him to want a relationship with me?  Should I come off as fun? One of the guys? Serious & responsible? Nonchalant & independent?  Sexy & wild? Should I be stroking his ego or acting like I’m not impressed by his money? Should I call him or wait for him to call me?

And I definetly don’t want to be just a jumpoff when he’s in town…so how long should I wait to sleep with him and how do I keep his attention in the meantime?

Thinking hard,

*Annette

_________________

Dear Annette:

My views on this are different from many.

Let’s see what you should NOT do:  Do not ask him out, do not show up by “accident” at a mutual event, and don’t be somebody you are not.  You are looking for a husband, or so it seems.  The stakes are very high here.  You can have it or lose it all.  You have to be fine with that.  Here’s what I mean:  If you’re the jump off, you just have sex, you get some change, you’re available when he is, your crown to glory is a baby.  Jump offs don’t expect much, and are treated as such.  Then you have the ones who want to be like you: in a serious relationship.   I can’t give you the formula, as I like to believe that every man has his intricacies and complications.   But here’s a few things:  The first few dates should be initiated by him.  Make it easy, tho.  Don’t follow any dumb dating rules about Wednesday for weekend dates.  If he calls and you are available go for it.

He may be thinking you are into him already.  At the date, refine yourself some.  Don’t answer everything, ask questions.  Don’t be impressed by taste, and don’t try to impress him with your wine knowledge or unique traits.  Just chill out.   See the ying and yang here?  There’s some give, there’s some pull.  It gives him enough space to separate you from the herd, and it keeps you a bit detached.  Don’t have sex.  Just don’t.  I don’t care if you wait till the second or third or 100th time you see him, just never do it asap.  It shows your insecurity.  Don’t come off as “fun” or “sexy” or “nonchalant” unless that is who you are.  If not, then men pick up on that fakeness.  Nothing wrong with stroking his ego, and making him feel good around you.  Times together should be more verbal, than anything.

Be available, but unavailable.  Meaning don’t call him, let him call you, and when he does, drop everything.   Definitely limit texts.  I think, however, you need to tell him asap on 1st date that you want a husband, and it is by no means an offer of marriage, just letting him know you are not just dating anyone, but getting to know men on a more intimate, serious level.  Be confident in your decision.  If you are afraid of that, then you may not be ready.  A woman who is ready to bite , will play.  He’ll bite back if he’s interested in getting to know you like that, either immediately or down the line.

It will put you in a different place, provided you back up your desire with consistent action.   But honestly, I really can’t help here like I could, until he becomes your man.  Then, you need more aggressive measures to make marriage the only thing he can think about.  I always say, position yourself as a buy, not a lease.  No matter what, I don’t care how many baby mamas any man has, nobody gets as much as the wife.  She will always win. Go for the gold, not shit nuggets.

From Alphanista w/love,

Maryann

Please send advice questions to maryann@alphanista.com. Names and some details are changed for privacy.

11 COMMENTS

  • EbonyLolita

    I’m Sorry Ladies I agree with Maryann. If you want this man to get to know you he should know that you are emotionally available for Marriage, not for f’n around. If he’s not mature enough to understand this then he’s not someone that you would want for a Husband. Young Lady follow this advice, limit your dating info from your friends b/c all they’ll do is HATE when this are good and CELEBRATE when things are going bad.
    Good luck Love,
    EbonyLolita 😉

  • Maryann

    I think it’s quite presumptuous for a man to assume on a first date that the woman means she wants to marry him, it’s immature. Most emotionally available people will welcome this conversation in an open hearted, general manner and context of “things I want out of life”. If a woman is dating without disclosing this, she is never going to know if a man likes her for who she really is. It’s called manipulation to hide things from people to sway their perception of you. Only in America, kids…lol

  • Zabeth

    I know someone who also ascribes to the let him know you want to be married on the first date school of thought, and she’s married. Her argument is, if he runs away than good riddance! He obviously isn’t ready to make that kind of commitment or he isn’t interested in marriage. This way neither one of you wastes each other’s time or gets disappointed. There are also ways of asking this question without turning it into an interrogation of sorts. Some marriage minded men will bring up the subject before you do.

  • DaniBani

    @Maryann Oh gosh. Just the thought of telling a man that on the first date makes me nervous…lol Like I’m never going to see him again. But I guess the right man will stay (hopefully) and won’t be deterred by that. I thought you were supposed to keep it light and breezy on the first date, no serious talk.

    Personally I like texting cause I’m not a big phone talker and I’d rather talk in person. You’re right though, when a text is not returned in a timely manner, it does cause you to wonder what they’re doing.

  • Maryann

    @Dani we discussed the whole first date thing in the Inner Circle, Dr. Jeff Gardere suggested that and he is a man, but I have always been a follower of this. It’s all about tone. Sure, some men will run, but one will stay. That’s all you need.

    Now women may differ on this, but I think texting has made men lazy. It’s also taken away the romance. I love to hear a man’s deep voice on the other end, not read typed words. There is also the chance for LOTS of miscommunication, and just wait till somebody does not text back, a whole lot more questions arise, too much complication, just give me the damn phone lol.

  • DaniBani

    @Maryann- telling him she wants to get married on the first date?!!! That seems like it could possibly scare him off, no?

    Also, why should she limit text messaging?

  • Jordan

    @Zabeth VERY I’d do it all over again!

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  • Zabeth

    I wonder if the benefits outweigh the drama?

  • Jordan

    As someone whose done this before I cosign on this advice I did it the easy have
    Sex and pray for the best I learned the less u seem involved the betta but don’t overplay your hand

  • Heather S

    Who in their cotton pickin mind would want to date an athlete drama for days!

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