ADVICE: I Want To Be A Submissive Woman

Fotolia: elavuk81
Fotolia: elavuk81

Enjoy a classic!

(Due to the popularity of this blog it has been extended. LMAO) I have a situation. To the outside world, I have a good, successful man who takes care of me. But unbeknownst to everyone, I am the one who is paying all the bills, making all the decisions and basically running sh*t. He’s a complete doormat. He makes good money, but sometimes, I wonder why I need him. I make good money, too.


Sometimes, I just want to kick back and know that my man is handling everything and that I can trust him. Even in social situations, I have to talk the most and have to keep things interesting. As a black woman, I feel I have to be strong all the time, but I am tired of it frankly. It’s been three years. Lately, I’ve been seeing a dominant man who has completely taken over me. I can’t think about anything else.

I’ve had relationships like this before, and I love being a submissive woman. I feel more like myself, trust myself more, and safe. I’m afraid to tell anyone about how I feel. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting this?


Dear Suzette,

Hell no. Who in the world wants to live with a shell of a man? He’s just your man, not your husband. Maybe you need to move on. Sometimes, life takes us to different places at the most inopportune time. Don’t feel guilty because you want a certain kind of man that 40% of women cannot handle and the other 60% of women lie about not wanting. You want to be dominated. You want a man to take complete control of your mind, body, and soul. You want to submit to a man. Nothing wrong with that. Lets a sister breathe a little. Just make sure it’s willful submission, which it sounds like. It is not being subservient which means a relationship where one is lesser than the other.

Our culture makes women feel weak and perverse for thinking like this. Throughout nature, you’ll see that all animal relationships are based the balance of submission and dominance. Understand that when you submit completely to a man, you obey and trust him wholeheartedly. Many women try to find this type of connection with a man online or by cheating because they don’t get it at home.

Being a submissive woman is not about being in a weakened state, but being in a completely empowered state with full understanding of your feminine power. It’s about learning the most efficient ways to communicate issues for the benefit of yourself and others. This is not for every woman or every man. Surprisingly, many men see this as a demand or are intimidated when a woman tells them she wants to be submissive. You can’t make a man accept your submission. If you want to work on your current man, you’ll have to give him time to develop his natural instincts. Women define men on an intimate and emotional level. Once a man knows what your expectations are, he can plan accordingly.

I’m no expert on this. Seek out a group where they can teach you how to behave like this most effectively because with the wrong instruction you can just make a mess out of things. Also, very few men know how to appreciate a submissive woman without being mean and condescending. A man should feel worthy of your submission. Whether it’s the sidepiece you’re seeing now or not, choose a good man who values this behavior and doesn’t take it for granted. Dominant types are usually Alpha-males, masculine men who are very aware of a woman’s discreet power.

The best teacher is usually a partner who is naturally dominant in an instinctual way, not performed or forced. Many women believe that being submissive provides them a sense of safety. It is also a behavior many women choose to adopt. Even in life, when we accept things as they are or stop fighting against it, everything falls into place. It’s when we “give up” that we win. It’s not about being right or wrong anymore. There’s more power in silence, than there is in words.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.


  1. MissPEN says:

    I was saying to myself as I was reading her problem that he is her man not her husband. The issue came when she allowed him to be a doormat/lazy in their relationship. Also she was giving him all the benefits of a wife without her earning it by handling his business and putting a ring on it. She needs to do what she has to do and go after what she wants because if not she will be burnt out, bitter, and no good for who she is supposed to be with. End it with him because cheating is never good, and go after what it is you truly want. Seek your happiness

  2. gary says:

    i would have to agree with some of this, its all about balance. women should to be heard, respected, loved. BW are strong people and have to be because of where society places them. but in the bedroom; she is very submissive and I (wm) love her for being honest and knowing herself. It too has spilled over into every day life which i’ve accepted this and have taken the lead when she needs me to do so. there is nothing more amazing than a women being submissive (trusting) in the bedroom. as far as the 400 years in slavery; i believe your hearts in the right place but not in the right era. every race has been put into slavery! there are no exceptions. my great ancestors where slaves to the roman empire, holy roman empire, vikings….so really you just don’t have a valid point of singling your race out.

  3. lisa says:

    VERY forward, or should I say, “backward” thinking (wink, wink) article. I LOVE it and the comments that have followed. So even after almost three years, it is a winner in my book, which I credit as a testament to the author. 🙂

    The gentleman I am dating dominates me where it counts – physically, mentally, and sexually. It is important that a man establish these boundaries early as it is in our nature as women to better trust, respect, and dare I say, obey, his prowess as a man if he does. Like a previous commenter said, any whiff of bitchassness and you’re out!

    I am my own person, I think for myself. I’m as “strong” as they come, FT employee, single mom, working my way towards a college degree, but I’m not a damn mule and I appreciate the comfort and security of knowing that my man can and without hesitation, will, assert himself in situations concerning our and my personal best interests. He is my leader and my mentor, my accountant and my lover, my protector and my friend. And he can be these things, not because I’m weak, but because I’m confident and smart enough to trust MYSELF that I made the right choice.

    I’ll take being his bottom b any day!

  4. Cyndi says:

    interesting read. I think people who seek this kind of life style need to assess themselves and make sure not to trust all groups/clubs/sites that claims to cater to dominant and submissive men and women. You also must know the same way some women crave being submisive, some men equally do so. There are alpha men and women who seek submissive partners.

    – some women/men only want to be submissive to their partner sexually and anything beyond the bedroom is out.

    – others wants the whole 24/7 life style, which is a full time job that needs a man/woman who knows the responsibility and trust that involves such a union. When you submit = self empowerment for the one submitting, and not about letting someone else control you.

    I’ve read on it and there are some great authors on this topic who can help women & men seeking this life style to learn more about it.

  5. Sandra Dee says:

    @Andrea – YES!

    This very grown, very sexy, African-American lady seconds all you said.

    This is a very balanced, healthy approach to relationships.

    I’ve recently had the pleasure of leaving a not-very-good relationship and experiencing a healthy upgrade, dating a brother who’s been a gentleman, more respectful, warm and who knows? If he isn’t “the One” I know for sure I’m much closer to that. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made with past men and have a clear view of how to stand my ground with boundaries as a Queen — while still respecting a King who’s proved he’s worthy of that respect and position as the head of our home. That is what a healthy submissive woman does.

  6. Andrea Ortiz says:

    I agree with half of these posts. I think that being submissive is key to healthy and happy relationships. Men today need to MAN UP. Take the lead, and BE leaders. The Feminist movement deliverd a staggering blow to today’s relationships.

    Ladies, PLEASE stop gettiing mad when your man does not act like a woman by getting emotional, talking everything to death, and needing to reassure himself constantly. Ladies, this is OUR style. They don’t work that way.

    Gentleman, PLEASE stop expecting women to just brush their feelings under the rug; that is childish. Also, please stop running from discussions about feelings and emotions, they are inevitable.

    Anyway, its sad that being submissive has to be viewed as race-specific too. I am a submissive woman of color, who dates men of all ethnic backgrounds. Some woman just LOVE being submissive, and letting her man dominate her. It turns me on to know he’s got me covered, what can I say? 🙂

  7. Lovedness3000 says:

    I think it takes a certain type of man to be submissive to. I mean, you can’t be submissive to every goon that you think has potential. I put my ex-boyfriend through hell fighting the whole submissive thing, but I knew from early on in the relationship that I could walk all over him. Most women can smell an ounce of b*tchassness in a man, and once it is discovered, it’s all over for that man. The man I’m with now SHOWED me how a real man acts and handles his business. He’s big, black, and aggressive and doesn’t take ish from no one. I tried one or two stunts, and he put me in my “place” really quick–without verbally, emotionally, or physically disrespecting me or making me feel bad about myself. I’ve learned to be submissive because it’s the best way to learn your man and learn from him. But I repeat, it takes a certain type of man. An alpha one, perhaps?

  8. Happy Submissive says:

    It’s perfectly fine to want to be submissive. I am to my husband and I am damn happy to have such a strong man. So many women go onto that “You must be crazy as a black woman and blah blah” to that I say whatever, these same women are the ones who can’t keep a man or wonder why they man is stepping out all the time and they always fighting. I can tell you my husband is happy, he isn’t cheating and we never fight.. so screw those idiots who don’t know how to take care of a REAL man. They can have those punk ass weak men.

  9. goodtunes says:

    im curently with both a submissive man and a machismo man. they treat me very different and I am a different person around each of them. they are best friends so they both spend a lot of timme with me and eachother. the submisive man is a big ol teddybear. he outweighs me by 100 pounds but hes a pushover. I have two kids with him and he is a wonderful father and a great husband. he always goes the extra mile for me. he washes the dishes and gets me cool xmas gifts. we go do fun stuff and hes really smart. he will make good money when he gets out of school. im white and so is he. we got the womens movement burned into our brains and he like the whole strong woman bread winner thing. but that means I gotta do it all. work a full time job get a degree take care of the kids and run a household, cange my own oil and make the big decisions for y entire family. this gets old and some times i feel so exhausted and strapped down with all of these responsibilities. my husband like comes to me and says now what do you want me to do? like he cnt figure out how to get the kids dressed all the way without my help. after ten years of this I started wanting to escape and be free from all of these responsibilities.

    his best friend is as big as me but hes a lot stronger than i am. he has been there for me, my kids and my husband. when things get tough he steps up and takes charge of things. when my husband was in jail he made his girlfriend come over to my house on valentines day to help me with my 2 month old twins, he shows no fear he talks back to cops and stands up for himself. hes gentle with me but comes down hard on me if I step out of line. he is not okay with me cheating on my husband, even though he takes what he wants from me. he saw a guy give me his number once, and he ripped it up and threw it on the floor then looked at me like i’d be in big trouble if it ever happened again. he smacks my ass and gets me drunk. i am done drinking when he says I am. he tells me what to do with my kids and has a girlfriend sometimes two besides me.I am not his girlfriend, he has never even said he likes me. I trust his decisions he makes for me, he tells me to eat healthy, put my kids in karate and go home to my husband. I love them both for different reasons but the Hispanic machismo thing is a big turn on. I dress sexier for him so that he will be nice to me. I spend more time trying to please him because he can just a easily ignore me. I wouldnt say I feel more safe around him, but i guess i feel like more of a child; more carefree. Im not a wimp! im probably one of the strongest girls youll ever meet. physically and mentally

  10. Kay says:

    Like Anonymous, in a healthy relationship I think that there are times when either partner can be submissive. You both have to “handle your business”. Sometimes a man is more of a man when he knows that his woman has his back (he has to breathe sometime!).

    We “modern women” can learn a lesson from the past. A man was the head of the household even when he wasn’t “handlin his bizness”. Besides, we know that a man (or woman ) is only as strong as his (or her) better half.

    In my experience the successful marriages that I’ve seen are based on respect and a mutual desire to build and maintain a strong union. I know that times have changed and there a new challenges but if both parties stay committted it can be a beautiful thing.

  11. Ann says:

    anon. @ 11:38…bw need to change their mind set. I understand what you are saying. On the other hand, what bw do you know of that have been a slave for 400 years?

    We, bw today are part of the 21st century and we do not have to be any ones slave. Ladies, if you are not educated then continue with your education and free your mind.


  12. Seeking a bottom b says:

    Dear Jade, yes I am single and I am seeking a bottom b that fits me to love. Your statement is 100% in my view. Women and men have a very bad tendency of bring their experiences from the past into new relationships. No one wishes to get hurt again but the defenses mechanism put up to protect you also pushes the good away as well as the bad. I think people should just treat people the way you feel they should be treated until they show you otherwise. The game never changes just the players do. So if someone acts like someone you remember to be bad for you there a good chance that what they are and vice versa.

    Loving a bottom b

  13. Janelle says:

    I wasn’t offended by the term at all and I totally understand where you are coming from.

    We as women carry more baggage than we realize. I think a lot of us don’t trust our own judgement when it comes to men that’s why I think there’s so much resistance to even the idea of “maybe” submitting to your man.

    When a real man enters your life you will automatically submit to him. We’ve made so many bad choices in men that we might not recognize him when he does come, but the fact remains, it’s in our nature to submit to a MAN.

    I would like more info that anyone has on this.



  14. Anonymous says:

    I am the poster of the prior post. I guess everyone got caught up in the bottom b***h statement. It was not said to offend anyone but to make a point. However, I see some people misunderstood it’s usage to my overall statement. Nevertheless, everything else was overlooked such as the parts were I stated she has to have her own mind, be educated and be her own person. Also the fact being she must be strong and independent to be able to fill her mans role, as well as, being able to question her mans decisions that don’t make sense or have long term benefit.

    Yes bottom b***h is a pimp term but the meaning for those who do not know it is basically a ride or die that is loyal, trustworthy, reliable, loving, respectful and a respected female. If you remove the image of pimping and hoeing from your mind those are all traits of a good woman. Furthermore, if you add the educated, independent mind and person, and ability to lead on her own that is a great woman. If the latter is offensive to you then I don’t know what to say. Therefore to comfort those that were offended by use of the word b***h. I will reword the last sentence. In conclusion, with more simple words she must be an educated ride or die female who happens to be a real woman. Thereby, I am sorry to anyone who was offended by my use of the B word it was not used for malicious intent but to make a general point. The statements regarding me just lack truth. Have a nice day.

  15. ChocolateBoyWonder says:

    Its all about balance. Men/women don’t want to be in a constant power struggle with their partner therefore it is healthy for each to be submissive at certain times. As far as the bottom b*tch comment, thats just wanna beimp talk. The man who said that probably hasn’t had p*ssy since p*ssy had him….excuse my French ladies!

  16. Anonymous says:

    This is the truth. As someone commented earlier people need roles in relationship for things to work out for the best just like any other venture be it sports or business. This is the concept of a true team were all the parties are working toward a greater goal. Therefore, people fall into their roles without problems and they are happy in their role.
    You can’t have two Kings in relationships, nor can you have two leaders in organization or two bosses in a company. Someone has to be the Queen or be the number two. But that person has to want be submissive and play their position. If people don’t fall into roles because they want too there will always be conflict since the number two really want to be the number one. I highly doubt Michael Jordan wins 6 championships if Scottie Pippen isn’t a great number two for him. Pippen a good player in his own right accepted his role and was able to achieve great success on own because of it. If Pippen didn’t accept his role or envied to be the number one guy that team is not great. Jordan is still a great player but with far less championships and the same goes for Pippen.
    Nevertheless, as a man I know not every man is leader so you have to pick the right ones to follow. However, if you do find the right one you will have more to gain by submitting then doing it any other way.
    The perfect woman in my view is submissive to her man, nevertheless, she is still her own person and with her own mind. Treat him like a king and he will treat you like a queen. However, in my view she must be able to fill his role if needed and know when to question a decision of his. In conclusion, with more simple words she must be an educated bottom b***h who happens to be a real women.

  17. Anonymous says:

    will1288this is bulls**t! submissive sexually…yes. But all that other s**t? Men dont want no woman like that and women dont want to be like that. This sounds like a weak ass woman looking for some dude to pay all her bills on that traditional bull! this is 2008 going on 9, It takes 2 Damnit!!!

  18. Heather (NYC) says:

    Isnt this what it used to be in the good ole days of mom and dad? My parents have been married for 50 years.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Hi, You mentioned that there are groups. Where? My man and I argue ALL THE TIME. It’s a power struggle and I think we need something different. I want to let him be who he is and I can be who I am. I really feel without roles things go to hell in a handbasket either two people give up or they both kill each other…lol

  20. Anonymous says:

    i agree with what you said about women looking elsewhere for this, that is so true. when i cheated on my man i was looking for someone to take charge of me in bed, but then it trickled to other areas, i married this man.

  21. New Jersey says:

    Can black men handle this? hmmm. I think the man has to come made for this. There are no practice manuals. Are there?

  22. Dinty says:

    I bet this is some white woman mess…lol…i dont know no submissive black women, oh I do, but she is married….to a white man.

  23. Anonymous says:

    maryann, do you know that there is actually a group of women who practice this in secrecy, its all over, its more common than people think, if you need more info let me know, not that you would!

  24. Anonymous says:


  25. Anonymous says:

    this is crazy! why would a woman, esp a black woman, who was a slave for 400 years CHOOSE to be submissive….you are right it is NOT for everybody, where is the self esteem?

  26. Nicole B. says:

    I feel what she said about having 2B strong all the time like a black woman; men these days are so passive and resigned; that is wha happens when you turn a bunch of women into men; the men turn into women…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *