ADVICE: I Want My Ex Back For Good

42-18052919I would first off like to thank you for your continued insight…I am so addicted to reading this website… I definitely consider myself to be alpha female, but over the past few years I’ve been feeling quite, unalpha-female ish.

I am desperately in love with my ex boyfriend.  I am a confident, intelligent beautiful young woman. At the ripe old age of 22, I have Bachelors degree in  Economics, I live in my own apartment, pay my own bills, drive my own (relatively luxurious) car. I do not get help from anyone, I do this by myself. To keep up with my responsibilities, I work a full-time receptionist job and I am also in school working to add to my degree. I met a guy a few years ago and we clicked immediately as friends, and shortly thereafter became lovers. At the time he was absolutely perfect. I even became pregnant and had planned to keep the baby (with his approval) until one beautiful Sunday afternoon I found out that he had a girlfriend of…wait for it… FOUR YEARS.

After that we hadn’t been in contact with each other for about 6 months, he contacted me, and I listened to his words, took him back. Every time we had sex I cried, and he would just hold me. I could see my life when I looked into this guy’s eyes.

After we continued our little rendezvous for a few months, something snapped into my head and told me to cut him off right away. And so I did. That was in the first week of November. I haven’t spoken to or contacted him ever since. But it is slowly killing me, and eating away at my soul. He’s reached out to me to see how I’m doing, but I’ve never responded. I want to respond, yet I don’t. I want to move on, but I don’t. I can’t help but feel like there is more to us, that we can never end.

I want to be strong here. I am too loved by God and family, too strong, too intelligent to succumb to these feelings. I want to be the Alpha Female type again and switch the roles. I need to get myself BACK. But where do I start?. ? . ?

Signed,
Letting go

 

Dear Letting Go:

First and foremost, use a condom, plastic wrap, IUD, birth control pills, and the patch all at the same time to avoid getting pregnant from this man again.  You seem like an intelligent, self sufficient, young woman with so many possible options in front of you.  But, let’s focus on the specifics.

Here’s what you should do, which seems like the theme for today:  NOTHING, at first.  The best advice I was ever given in a situation like this was just, “Wait.”  As hard as it may seem, you need to give yourself a break and let things develop.  Oftentimes, we get obsessed with trying to control the circumstances.  Let it be.  It’s a big girl thing to do.  I know you can handle that.

So, what are you waiting for exactly?  To see who he really is.  November was just yesterday.  You can tell the true character of a man or woman at the end of a relationship.    One thing that bugs me is that he doesn’t seem consistent.  That’s a red flag. He changes his mind a lot.  Live your life, move on while he figures it out on his own.  If he’s interested as you hope you he is, he’ll never stop reaching out.  Come January, he’ll still be calling.  Two good qualities I look for in a man: consistency and persistency.  His calls should also be to make amends or to say hello, never threatening or uncomfortable.

You don’t have to respond.  But let’s say you respond, like tonight when he calls.  You then need to deal with the consequences.  Ever checked the oven every 10 minutes to see if something was finally ready?  It never is until, well, it’s ready by leaving the oven door closed until it’s appointed time.  But let’s say you go in early.  Please protect your body.  This is the only thing you have that you can control.  Our mind wanders and is often hard to tame.  Your body should be protected by the gazillion of birth control methods available. If this man has not committed to you, preferably through marriage, why are you even considering laying down your body to him in such raw openness? That is scary.  You need to check yourself on that.

Next, do not jump right into bed with him.  Tell him you want to start on a clean slate. If he comes back to you on his own, you set the terms and stick to it.   Date again, spend non sexual time with each other.  Talk about your future plans, together or on your own.   The trick is to spend less time with him, but more quality time for a few months. 

You need to follow your intuition on this one.  Doesn’t seem like you want to accept reality.  An alpha female is about controlling her destiny, not being controlled by it.  You’re letting it control you now.  Pregnant before 25 on your own.  It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’ve been working so hard towards, but it’s creeping around the peripheral of your life if you don’t take more control of yourself.

For now, work on the relationship with yourself and you’ll see things rearrange all around you.  Read.  A book that helped me was, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship.  Later, find maybe a group of young professionals you can join. Not to meet other men so much, as to meet other women who can act as role models.  Volunteer on the weekends.  Keep focused on the big picture of your life, not the crumbs being thrown at you right now.  That’s alpha.

From an AF with love,
MR

*Disclaimer (If you would like to submit a question for advice you must be a subscriber.  All advice is for entertainment purposes only because I am not a freakin’ therapist, just a child of God.)

6 comments

  1. MsKris says:

    I have no idea what Ann is talking about either- I think she might be trying to say that other women aside from black women can be Alphas.

    Anyway I thought this was great advice and I came across that book before and I haven’t yet purchased it because I’ve been too busy reading…Secrets about Men every Woman should know and Are you the one for me- both by Dr. Barbara DeAngelis. So that one is definitely on my list! Love this site!

    Normally when you’re in the wrong situation it feels wrong- this woman is feeling all sorts of wrong and confusion and that’s normally a sign things aren’t right.

    I just learned that when you remove the WRONG people from your life the RIGHT things begin to start happening- took me 8 years to find that out thankfully I’m 24 so I’ll be alright cause I’m an Alpha!

  2. Ann says:

    Mary, you say you want bw to Alphas…part of being an alpha is having options. Expand your mind. Think outside the box. I too wish for all bw to do better and I do not wish to offend you.

  3. Lois says:

    i have been in ur shoes before the best thing you can do is move on at your age, u have nothing holding you too together, and read the book because that book has been around forever, good gem

    Note to Maryann: Thanks for not letting this young lady feel that she is WRONG for feeling the way she is; many times young ladies at this age think people do not take their problems seriously, and the whole yada yada about being strong, when you are young u are only thinking with ur heart, its painful and confusing, it doesnt matter how much degrees are left to get you are only focused on what you dont have, but of course its her choice at the end

  4. Loving a bottom B says:

    Do what she said. Going back would not be smart. Nothing was said to prove he is someone to go back to. Your just feeling like this because your lonely right now. Yes, your independent female but right now your a lonely one. People don’t always think things all way through when they are lonely. When your lonely you reflect back on your past and your only missing what you had because you have nothing right now. Find a hobby, work on you and keep yourself busy or find a new guys. Great holidays to all.

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