Weekend Rewind: ADVICE: He Loves Me?
March 13, 2009
One of my favorites! Enjoy!
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we have a child.
For the most part, we get along great but since I had the baby, I don’t feel that he appreciates me as much as he says he does. Every time I sit down and discuss the way that I feel, we end up in an ugly argument.
Before we got together, I just graduated from college, I was living on my own and working for a company for almost 5 years. I dropped everything that I had going on for myself in order to build our family life while he continues his career in France.
I love the fact that I’m constantly around him and our daughter and the fact that we are living in a beautiful country. I enjoy keeping up the home for him and my baby. The only problem is that I don’t feel appreciated and at times I don’t feel secure about our relationship.
Part of the reason as to why I don’t feel secure is because I feel that he is too comfortable with the relationship. I feel like the last thing on his mind is making me feel happy and secure about this relationship. I recently shared this with him and he told me that the simple fact that he’s working to purchase a new home for us back home should be proof that he truly loves me.
But I told him that it’s not enough…I just want him to be romantic.
And when I ask him to be more romantic…it’s like I’m pulling his teeth. His idea of being romantic is picking up a snack that he knows that I like from the grocery store. And buying me flowers AFTER an argument. That’s as much romance that I get from him.
I feel like I’m the only one fighting and he just has too much pride to be romantic or to tell me how he feels.
Anyway, I just told him that I’m done with being the only one who wants to figure things out. Christmas is coming up and we’re heading back to the states to visit family. I’m thinking that I should stay at home so he can realize that I’m serious about my feelings…Can you give me your opinion on our situation and I’d definitely love to hear some advice from you.
Merci,
Paris Babe
P.S I also found your site through one of my favorite blogs, crunk and disorderly, and I enjoy every piece of it!! Thank you for Alphanista!
Dear Paris Babe:
This was a lot to chew on. Now, a couple of words jumped out at me-nag, nag, nag. It seems like you have so many gripes about this relationship and this man. There’s no doubt that you love him. But you are demanding from him things you are not even offering:
Romance—He said he’d buy you both a home together, and you told him it’s not enough because you want him to be more romantic. So, you rather get flowers before an argument than a home that your family can share and grow in? His offer sounds romantic to me! Him buying flowers after an argument is not something to be mad about. Think about it: When have you been romantic to him? You can’t wait around for a man to initiate this. At times, men need to be taught how to treat you, but by two years if he isn’t doing this, you should consider how you have been teaching him to treat you. You should show him what you like by taking a step forward. For instance, cook his favorite meal, have the sitter watch the baby, and eat by candlelight. Something simple and—romantic.
Happiness—Are you making him happy? No. Is he making you happy? No. It’s because everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It’s easy to make someone else responsible for it because you are “close” to them, but that’s an excuse. No man can do this for you. It’s your job to create your own happiness. What a burden this must be for him to carry? It seems like you may never be satisfied. But you can. To create your own happiness you have to change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change. Start seeing your relationship from a different perspective, whatever perspective makes you feel better. The thoughts going on in your head are what’s causing the demise. You may very well be thinking yourself out of a good man.
Communication—I would love to be a fly on the wall and hear you bring up your relationship grievances to him! He probably doesn’t react the right way either for you. The way to get anyone to listen to you, is for you to listen to them. Instead of making demands, sit down and ask him question, listen to him. Don’t be defensive. Listen, receive, then respond. This is your man, not the enemy. You can control more in a relationship by listening than by talking. Believe that. He cannot communicate the way you want him to, because you are not communicating with him.
This all sounds like you want to have some control. You want to be sure. You want to know now. Everything is immediate. These are not bad. But you didn’t mention any wrong this man has done but pick you up a snack from the store. Maybe he’s tired? Maybe he’s overworked. So are you, I’m sure. Even if he bought you a lobster dinner, it still wouldn’t fix the pain you feel.
Whether you stay in the States should be something you and him discuss and agree upon. You have his child. He has a say in the matter. Tell him you are ready for marriage, come up with at least a time frame. It may be good to have that conversation soon. But for me to break that down on how to get him to make up his mind for marriage is another blog post. If you are staying just to “test” him or “see how he act” then you are really the problem here. Remember, you cannot change anyone only yourself.
From an AF w/love,
MR
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With out reading your response: This chick is absolutely spoiled and miserable. She needs to get out of lala land and be more productive with her time and energy. Tell her to do as I did and take a class. Geeze!
(I’ve lived in Barcelona with my ex and daughter so I know what I’m talking about.)
Now that’s off my chest, back to your response…
Women just have a way of ruining a good thing. From a man, heed the advice given you, and realize the things you can do to make it better. If he’s a good man, he’ll respond the right way. But it’s a good look for you to seek advice because I think deep down you know it can be better. Every family and couple got their issues. You two sound like a nice family.
Ok I honestly stopped reading after she said romance was more important than a house. To me the most romantic thing a man could say to me is “I want to buy our family a home” are you kidding me? Stop watching so many movies and live in the real world, this is coming from a chick but man I swear some of you broads deserve to be miserable.
Ask a woman doing magical math every month to provide for herself and a child where the father is absent if a carriage ride through Central Park would right his wrongs, silly fool. Maryann quite honestly I think you wasted your time even replying to this fool.
LOL. I guess you cant win with some women. Even if you do all the right things you are not doing them right enough for them. LMAO. I can see why some guys say just treat women bad since some women wont appreciate it anyway although I don’t agree with that view. Things would work so much better if people came back to reality. Providing a good and better life for your women, child and family should show how much you really care. However, for some that is not enough but their preconception of things is not reality. Work out and work in things with him to get what you want, as well as, allowing him to do the same with you. Be thankful for what you have work on fixing your weakness together and stop trying to destroy the whole thing.
“Before we got together, I just graduated from college, I was living on my own and working for a company for almost 5 years. I dropped everything that I had going on for myself in order to build our family life while he continues his career in France.”
This is what stuck out to me the most!
I don’t think that anyone should give up their lives completely for another person or for a relationship. That’s how you lose yourself.
It really bothers me that you (or you feel that you) left your life behind in order to help your partner persue his dreams. Maybe you’re a little resentful of that and this is your way of expressing it. You feel that he owes you something because of what you left behind. Well he didn’t hold a gun to your head and force you to come with him to France. My suggestion would be to get your life back. Take up a new career or hobby or something that you can focus on and that will make you happy so that you won’t have to rely on getting your happiness through the relationship. If you’re both busy, the time you have together will be all that more special.
This was a great article. I loved it. It was honest, informational, and straight to the point. I now have a clear conception of how to treat a man, well, a good man at that because I don’t know any man that will buy a woman a house, yet alone a bouquet of flowers. Lol! Other than that, thanks for the article. Hope all is well. -Dana
Cry me a river. She chose to stop her life and start a family and be there for them,which I don’t have a problem with. But a woman should never neclect or sacrifice her goals. Why because sooner that later it becomes an issue. As soon as she started with “before we got together”……. I knew she was having some regrets. “I dropped everything” key words. That was her first mistake. Sometimes people go into relationships with these grand expectations of how their partners should be and 9 times out of 10 our expectations never matches reality. Now she wants to separate to teach him a lesson, she better watch out before that comes back to bite her in the rear. She has to feel secure with herself first in order feel secure in the relationship. Men don’t like insecure women. CLearly she has to find a better way deal with this. She mentions nothing of him cheating on her, he is working hard to move them. If she wants romance, I think she needs do less asking him why he’s not romantic and just initiate the romance. He’s not going to turn her down if she does it right.
You should be more appreciative, if it’s romance you want then put it there. He doesn’t necessarily have to initiate it in order for you to have “romance” in your relationship. Also, you sound bored hun, DO SOMETHING! Start working again, get back in tune with yourself and stop worrying about petty stuff. Grow up some….just a little bit.
Great article!
I agree with the parts of other people’s comments in that she should focus her energy in other things. I think that is she over analyzing the relationship versus enjoying it. Women should be cautious about playing too close to the ends of a spectrum. One side is the “Over analyzing” end; where she so into her relationship and everything that is going on that she can’t help but find the things wrong with it. These women live & breathe their relationship. We all have a girlfriend that ONLY talks about their man & what they do. Then there is the other side, women that are too busy. These are the women that even thinking about their mate is at the bottom of their “to do” list. (I’ve been guilty of that and I lost a good one in the process). Paris babe needs to focus some of her attention on other things not just her relationship but make sure that she does get too wrapped up in her new endeavors where she is now on the other side of the spectrum.
There is one more important thing that I think that she needs to think about. She also needs to take into consideration that he must have made major sacrifices as well & that he is planning to continue to making at least financial sacrifices to contribute to their relationship (i.e. buying a house). Maybe this thought might level the playing field in her heart.
Well, that was my 2 cents LOL… thx for reading
–Smile Lee
Everybody is so hard on her, the same thing happened to me we worked it out though! I was being vry selfish.
WOW clearly this poor woman was misguided in her expectation. First of all she should not have given up all her dreams. Secondly she needs to make do with what she has, she chose to live with the man without being married to him.
What ever happened to going back to school and starting a career or going out and getting a part time job. I mean the romance thing is really not what the real problem issue. She is miserable staying home and regretting some of her choices. Oh and now she is in a foreign country.
WOW WOW WOW