ADVICE: I Want To Go From A “Side” To A “Buy”


Dear Alphanista,

I have been having sex with this guy for close to eight months now, your typical friends with benefits, but I have been in love with him for most of the time.

Around three months ago I decided to tell him how I really feel about him, he was shocked and said he needed time to process the info, so he got back to me after some time and told me that he really liked me but could not commit at the time because he had to achieve some things before he could think of dating, we were fresh out of collage then with no job or nothing, so I understood where he was coming from. I, putting my pride to the floor, said that I would wait for him to get his house in order and see how things would go.

Fact is I think I made a mistake, because this guy is the most arrogant being on the face of the planet, he knows he’s got me right where he wants me. He says things like, I know  you can never keep away from me, you are the one who’s in love… I try to be assertive and tell him to go to hell but I am afraid that he might leave, I know this is against all logic but what can I say, am sprung.

How can I go from a lease to a buy? Or is it too late?

Misguided in love,

Ms. W


Please send advice ques (brief and clear) to  Everything is anonymous.


  1. Janay says:

    Take it at face value and Woman Up and do what is BEST for you.

    You put it out there
    He thought about it
    Said he aint ready for all that

    Your move!!

    Close your legs
    Find yourself
    move on
    be more careful

    Sex is not love!

  2. I think Ms W did the right thing by telling the guy that she was in love with him. However, you already know what I am about to say. DON’T GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

    Yall we all have a soul, and that soul longs to connect. Your soul will do anything to connect. That is why have a brain to discern what is appropriate and what is healthy. If you don’t take care of your brain (which houses your conscious), you will never fulfil the need of your soul (unconscious) which is to have a healthy long and happy relationship.

    The order of Healthy relationships directly related to fulling our souls:
    God-man/woman relationship
    Parent-child relationship
    Sibling relationship
    Husband wife relationship

    All other help the soul along. All the above need to be healthy for the soul to be complete.

  3. Listen people..

    This is not a situation that needs a whole lot of Dr. Phil analyzing, so LIGHTEN UP!

    -Girlfriend met a man
    -They had a sexual relationship, no strings attached
    -Girlfriend fell in love like MOST women do
    -Dude doesn’t want a girlfriend right now.

    Simple Simon shit..

    Should she get bent out of shape? NO
    Should she stop being friends with the dude? NO

    He simply told her that he doesn’t want anything serious, and she shouldn’t be an emotional cry-baby by running and hiding.

    Just agree to be friends and keep it moving!

  4. Athena Nike says:

    Firstly a question:
    Why when a sister is doing something blatantly wrong in her pursuit of a man and gets shot down, we affirm how there are more good men waiting in the wings; but when a man is the aggressive persuer, is not psycho/stalker, but the sista just is not feeling him/chemistry she better not let that good man go?

    Its too late
    If you were in love from the start you never should’ve agreed to the initial terms
    because men known when our heart is in it legs open wide
    you’ve had something to prove from the first and he’s been enjoying you trying to prove it
    I say end it cold turkey, if he is as self centered as you say don’t cause yourself more embarrassment by seeking some sort of explanation from him, it will come up short
    When you see him in the streets, nod but ask him to keep it moving cause he is blocking all the good that could come your way
    Maybe he’ll catch a little attitude, his ego trippin cause he was not the one to abruptly end it, perhaps he might get jealous but that’s a long shot. More than likely he’ll take the hint, confirming for you what it was for him all along.

  5. Mavi says:

    First of all pick your pride up off the floor. That’s not where it belongs. Second walk away, he thinks he’s “got” you, prove him wrong. Step back & look at the situation from a different perspective…what advice would you give your daughter if she asked your question…think about it then follow that advice.

  6. Maryann says:

    Great advice from all. Use this an experience to attract the right man. Growing pains…

    To pick up on @THC I think you did the right thing too by being open about your feelings. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed. On the other hand, it’s time to put this one on the backburner by keeping things cordial. I would caution against any more sex, and give the goods to a better suitor. There is no lease or buy option with this. It’s a total lemon!

  7. You did the right thing by expressing your feelings to him, and not playing parlor tricks and mind games. And because you did the right thing, you got his honest answer.

    He’s not the one…

    But that doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person or unworthy to be friends with, so just try to be cool and have fun!

    There are plenty of other lovely men in the world.

  8. hiphopmuse says:

    I think Ms. W did the right thing by expressing how she felt. You can’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it. I think its possible to go from a lease to a buy, if the other person also has romantic feelings toward her. In this case I can’t tell if he wants to be with her too, because he says stuff like “you’re the one in love” and “you can never keep away from me.”

    The only way to tell if he feels the same is if she creates distance with him and let him come to her. If he really wants her, he’ll come around. Let him pursue.

  9. Brian says:


    He is not in to you. He is not ready for the type of relationship you are ready for. In fact, I don’t think you are ready for that relationship by the way you are reacting to him.

    He has little to no respect for you to talk to you in that manner. Women (espically younger ones) equate that macho bs to love. It isnt. He is using you for the “benefits” your friendship brings. If you enjoy the sex – leave it at that. If you want a man – its time to move on to the next one.

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