ADVICE: “Friends” With The Ex
February 4, 2009
I have been with my man for 8 months and his ex went crazy when she found out we got engaged!
This is not a baby mama just a regular girl and she will not leave us alone. They were together for years. She finds out where we go, and shows up. She calls all the time on his cell and hangs up if she hears my voice, sends he and I little bullshit emails talking about we’ll never last, and she even flattened my tire when my car was outside his house one night. It’s getting bad. I told my man that he needs to talk to her or do something! He tried talking to her but it seems to fire her up more and more. We hear from her at least 3 times a week. I am so tired of this, and cry myself to sleep sometimes. I feel like she is going to break us up with all the bad energy. When we fight, and it’s alot lately, it’s about her. What can I do? How can I get rid of her?
Angry in the A,
Babe
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Hi Babe,
Crying?
A tactic is to befriend her.
Keeping your enemies close. Right now, she is making you seem like the new girlfriend who’s in the way. Reach out to her. It shows your dominance. An alpha is the boss and surprises in secret. An alpha in a situation with a rowdy ex needs to take control. The beta move is to berate the ex, position yourself as the martyr and cry hoping your man can fix it. However, an alpha would rarely come to her man with the problem or expect him to handle that. It’s woman business. Start throwing your weight around some.
Tangent: A few years back Angelina Jolie was in a magazine saying she wanted to sit down and talk to Jennifer Aniston about what happened with Brad. Aniston immediately denounced it, but Jolie’s image benefited from being “the bigger” person, and Aniston looked like the “petty, bitter” one.
So, here’s an ex–calling, dropping by unannounced, spamming your in-box. What to do? Take her out. Remaining cool under pressure, show up at her job unexpected. Smile, be composed, and offer to sit and talk. This is not about doing lady like, right girl things of respecting others. This is about leverage and positioning. Tell her that you know she has the secrets of *James heart and you want to understand what it is that she loves about him so much. That maybe, just maybe, she may be right that it won’t work. The ex will be utterly confused, but will relieved at the chance that someone wants to listen to her spout off at the mouth finally. Take her to a nice place. Don’t talk much, nod, agree, smile.
At the end, politely tell her that you love him even more now after hearing her talk. That’s she’s really helped to see how your relationship has grown with him. Be prepared for her “this bitch is crazy” look. That’s the point. She may try to contest it. Make it clear in a low, leveled voice that you’re pregnant.
Ex will do two things–lose it, or leave. Either way you win because you positioned yourself at the bigger, brighter person. You just took her out to eat, talk, and try to make amends right? Who can argue with that? It’s most likely, however, she will leave–embarrassed, confused, and yeah, angry.
When you return home, change your man’s cell and house numbers. Do not worry about getting his consent. Deal with him later. Take out a restraining order at the police department. If she attacked you at the spot after you told her, perfect excuse. But if she didn’t you can still take out this order of protection. If she comes anywhere near you and him, she will be immediately tracked down and arrested.
I would suggest ignoring until she shrivels up into shell, but she seems too determined. If all else fails, an alpha is never too shy from pounding on something. Just sayin…
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This is hilarious! I actually had a friend who sat down with the ex too aint that what Eddie Murphy\’s ex wife did with his baby mama Scary Spice?
think i’d start with the pounding first, then talk
This is sad! Can you spell “restraining order” because if I were in the girl’s shoes, I would have had the chick arrested as soon as possible.
First of all, she gotta get the fur torn off of her! Second, I would have to sit her down at the round table for a \”woman to pyscho\” discussion. You do have to show your confidenece and your strength as a woman when dealing with people like this and your man gotta have your back. I\’m cordial with my ex\’s not friends. If I see them, I will speak. If they send a e-mail just to see how I am, I will respond but I don\’t initiate a thing and it doesn\’t go any further than I want it to go. It\’s hard to be \”friends\” with someone that you had real feelings for. Leave the past in the past. You moved on for a reason….let it go! SECURITY!!!!
“woman to pyscho discussion” love it!
Great response Maryann. The writer of this letter is getting too caught up in this crazy bitch’s terrorist threats. Babe needs to grow up and handle her ish like a real alpha. Crying ain’t gonna get it done but some good old fashioned female manipulation and passive aggressiveness will. I’m sorry but Babe is being WEAK right now; asking her man to handle his crazy ass ex, are you kidding me- no man can handle a woman scorned ( maybe a uber alpha) that’s just the way it is. I agree with 100% of what you say. Restraining order, fake pregnancy, change cell and house numbers- All of it is SO NECESSARY!
Couldn’t lying and saying she’s pregs backfire? If the ex goes back and tell the guy that the new girl is pregs, he could just say to hell with it and leave em both.
@Cipher, he’ll understand….
Great response, Maryann!
But honestly, how come no one is looking at the guy and thinking about what he could be doing to stir the ex? I mean, stalking isn’t cool, but guys sometimes play both sides of the fence. I wouldn’t put it past him. He could very well be feeding ex-girl pipe dreams. I mean, I’ve been there myself– with a guy who pretended the current gf was just an old situation. I ended up lookin’ like a crazy. So yeah, what other role is “dream guy” playing?
Good advice. She needs to step up front and define her own environment. That other chick is old hat. She’s the past. She’ll never recognize her position until she recognizes who’s runnin’ thangs now.
People that deserve respect and are VERY used to getting it are very courteous to others, because they know how easily they could dismiss them IF it were necessary.
I actually was in the situation when I was 16….I guess it doesn’t matter now I’m 30. It’s just funny. This chick that I was hearing about being my boyfriends’ girlfriend was at the county fair with a balloon with their names on it and I asked her to give me the balloon so I can pop it because he is my man. She started running and I chased her azz at the fair..lol.
Then later she would front for her girls and talk trash and all this. When I would see her she was quiet. Then one day we talked on the phone about him and he was telling her that he loves both of us. He never told me that crap. To make a long story short, I caught her on his porch with a duffle bag waiting on a cab. I cursed him out so bad and told him that’s why I was messing with another dude womp womp….lol. Then when I left he kept on ringing my phone off the hook saying that he is sorry.
Just a teenage story, but honestly I would talk to the female and see her take on what’s going on and if she went off on me I would act crazy too. She would get the picture..lol. I don’t play when it comes to a broad trying to punk me.
Your advice was dead on. However, her man is questionable b.c if he didn’t go to the Police Dept. after the tire incident I might reconsider leaving a man who is FAILING to protect me or making attempts to do so. Babe mentioned that this is her “Man” not fiancee or husband. I refuse to put up w. so much Bullshyt from someone who isn’t a long term goal. As an Alpha sometimes you have to say Fuck it, this dude and/or the psycho is not worth my energy. Let him deal w/ the crazy b/c it seems that Babe is the only one dealing with it. I’m just saying
why is your man sitting back and letting his woman be HANDLED by an ex?!?!? i would be livid and would’ve had her psychotic tail arrested the FIRST time i asked her not to call me. this woman is disrespectful and dangerous. sounds like her actions are escalating. i am questioning your boyfriends integrity as a man just sitting back and WATCHING all this happen…