ADVICE: Does This Make Me Gay?


Dear Alphanista,

A few months ago I had some friends come into town.  It was like 3 girls and 4 guys.  We all had a great time at dinner then we went for drinks at The Peninsula.  My man is very conservative.  I mean, he doesn’t even like oral sex to give or receive.  We have been together for 3 years and I learned to pleasure myself, but sometimes it is not enough.  Anyway, after the drinks one of the couples, and us went to a room that had been reserved.  While the guys were playing cards in another room this other woman and I had an encounter.  Without going into details, she gave me what my man could not.  I had never ever wanted to be with a woman or even thought about it.  It just happened, now I can’t get her off my mind.  I’m like consumed by her, trying to track her down on Facebook and everything.  What do I do?   If I can’t stop thinking about her what does that say about me?


“Betty” (Upper West Side, NY)



Dear Betty:

Let me tell you a little about yourself.  You think you can send these advice letters here and get a little sympathy, and understanding, right?  I can tell what type of person you are.  The type that makes “mistakes” and then turns around with sad puppy dog eyes and say you “didn’t know”.  That’s your story.  Like you didn’t know your man is not into oral sex.  But you chose to be and STAY with him anyway. I  mean, really, did he just stop?  I doubt it.  You made a clear decision to go in the relationship hoping you can change your mind.  So, don’t blame him for what you let happen.  Your man did not take anything or stop anything.  You took from yourself.  You also have wanted to be with a woman, and you have thought about it.  Don’t act like it fell from the sky and just happened. But that’s how you do.

As for the hotel room romp, I mean, come on, are you really losing sleep over this?  It sounds just like another party to me.  Some, I even attended!  Well, here’s the deal.  I don’t know if you are gay.   But I do know that you made a decision to do something that you feel guilty about.  Is it because you feel you cheated?  I’m confused.  I don’t know where the guilt is.  I would forget about this woman, especially if she was that underwhelmed by you to not stay in touch.  It’s probably another fantasy you are telling in your silly little head.  Move on.  And stop annoying people–your man, and this mystery woman, with your needs.  Just find what you need, and let it be!


  1. Lola says:

    Bicurious, definitely. Can’t stand when people act like they don’t know. I also suspect this was not her first! No woman I know can go that long without somebody spooning the pudding.

  2. hiphopmuse says:

    LOL I love your response! I personally wouldn’t continue a relationship with a man who doesn’t please me…but hey that’s just me. And for the record, I think this chick is bi-curious.

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