Weekend Rewind: A Good Man Marries By 35

manold
Chose to "wait" to get married, now look at him

Happy 4th!  Enjoy this classic!

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There used to be a time where there was just a bunch of single women over 35.  Now, it seems like more and more men are single over 35.  At first look it may not be such a bad thing, but at a closer look, it’s just bad.

I was talking to a distinguished gentlemen at a “obama” party recently who is 35 and married with 2 children and a successful lawyer with his own practice, and a very nice writer wife, who said, “a good man marries at 35, the rest you don’t want”.

It could just be a married man hating, but it rings true at times.  Most men say they are “waiting” for the right woman to come along, while they grow grey hairs, their belly gets larger, and their bad habits get more ingrained.  I didn’t know men were supposed to “wait” for anyone.  At 30, testosterone drops so the passivity may have something to do with it.

Obama married before 30, and they waited until their 30s to have kids.  They had a plan.  And you see, kids and family didn’t stop this man from the most ambitious career path on the planet.  So that knocks out the excuse that kids and family would slow a man down.  If anything marrying before 35 gave him perspective, focus, and passion.  He had kids and a wife.  How much more drive does one need?

Not surprisingly, alpha males usually have no problem with this because they need to control their environment, a very “alpha” reason.

Imagine if Obama was single at 35 with 3000 female Facebook friends living the life on the go, do you know that man, with those stories floating around out there with women, would not have a chance.  Let’s not mention the scorned girlfriend who’d post his texts on her Facebook page for a few stacks from the Enquirer.

Now, I’m also understanding why older women marry younger men.  There’s more focus, passion, and more testosterone.  If you’re an older gal, you can also get pregnant quicker by a younger man.  Has to do with sperm quality.  Look it up.

But compromise.  As we get older, it’s something, particularly men say they don’t want to do when they get married.  Sounds borderline sociopath to me because compromise is one of the ways folks get along in this world.  These types are usually never alone, but always lonely.   And the “i’m picky” type, really means I don’t trust myself.

So, if you see a single man over 35, definitely entertain–especially if he’s been married before or has a reasonable excuse for being unmarried at 40 plus.   But stay focused and listen to your gut.  He should be talking about marriage in general early in the dating phase, asking questions about yourself, future, and being two things–consistent and persistent.  The good thing about a man over 35 who is healthy, well rounded, and loves the idea of family and being with a woman, is that they’ll marry you quick….

17 comments

  1. GOLDIE says:

    well this is lengthy. I find that every man in or near his 30’s has made reference to marriage and i cringe. I’m a young one and I simply can’t be tied down right now. unless of course he his offer was impossible to refuse lol. I don’t think I will marry for love because I’ve seen many marriages end in the falling out of….
    I’d prefer a man who has growing potential and worships the ground that I walk on.. not too hard to ask.

  2. morris chestnut says:

    Settling down. Thats an interested choice of words. I don’t want to settle. If I did, I would certainly settle up!

    What about marriage means that I’ll always be supported, encouraged and loved? Women seek most divorces. Even the people I know that are married are at their wits end.

    Marriage is an institution. Many people think it’s what they supposed to do. It’s optional.

    You speak about love from a person that you don’t share with the world. That makes absolutely no sense. Will I lock her away in a castle like a fairytale? That didn’t work as the were always saved.

    The last point I want to make is that I do share my life with people. The difference is that I do it willingly. It’s not leveraged by what I will lose monetarily if the relationship ends.

  3. CB says:

    Morris: If you were interested in settling down, I would say your biggest obstacle is that you already think marriage is a sham and cannot offer anything more than problems. But it sounds like your mind is set and you see no benefit of having one person you know will always support, encourage and love you until your old and gray (sounds fairtytale, I know, but I had to throw it on thick). I guess the only answers I can think of to your question about changing your mind is (1)marriage has never been an institution, it’s a state of mind – either you commit yourself or you don’t and (2)the benefits of love from a person you don’t have to share with the rest of the world (friends, family, etc) ALWAYS outweigh the costs. In short, no matter how much a single man dates, sleeps around or has women that ‘give the milk for free,’ you will never fully receive the benefits without the commitment. Especially if your too scared to share because you think someone is always trying to take more than they give you.

  4. morris chestnut says:

    Sherryberry, I’ll only say that I’m speaking of successful men and that it’s a fact that men are marrying later if at all. As for relationships, why would you assume that an older man has no fulfilling relationships? If you respond, please sum it up into a few paragraphs. I only read the last one.

    CB, Why do I need to risk what I’ve worked for by marrying. I can get the supposed benefits of marriage as a single man. This is not peer pressure or banter from a lonely man. I have women, friends and family. My life is in order, I am comfortable. Why change that for an institution that has a 50% chance of ending in divorce?

  5. CB says:

    35 is when most men try to complete the circle of getting their lives together and realize they can’t do it alone, that they need a constant support system and drive. This support and drive would be a wife and kids! These things keep men grounded, make them feel complete and loved and why married men go into the world/workplace confident and on top of their game. No one is saying that 35 is the standard age men should be married by (the ‘standard’ should be based on mentality and timing), but what the author is saying is that by 35, men tend to have everything else in their lives together so something must be lacking (on the mans part) when it comes to the relationship aspect. Have they been brainwashed that there are no good women left, that the women are all old and bitter and that their only options left are younger women? Well, that would be mistake #1. Men and women have believed that the other is no good, out to get half and not worth our time for years. Wow, no wonder so many people are single today? There are good men and women out here but getting past the thinking that all men are dogs or all women are gold diggers is key. Next step, making yourself available. No one wants baggage but we all have it. It’s called life and by 35, many men and women have had their share of issues that cause them to think a certain way. Stop blocking your blessings! A woman with a good job, making decent money, a good head on her shoulders, a good outlook on life and throw in a sense of humor and there’s a plethora of older women to chose from. This means that men 35+ can still be picky (which means that is no longer an excuse) and end up with a winner.

    To Morris, the risks or marriage do not outweight the benefits any more than a business deal, a blind date or even listening to your bitter male friends about women. The whole point of relationships is that you take risks. Isn’t a woman dating a single man over 35 years old taking a risk too? The point is stop making excuses, set your standards and make a move. 35 is old enough to know better and old enough to know how to get it done. Stop listening to your single boys about how wonderful life is when you don’t have to account for anyone but yourself. Their lying! They are lonely too! Stop acting scared and make a commitment and I’m sure you’ll find that you will be much better off once your circle is complete.

  6. Sherryberry says:

    @ morris chestnut: You are creating more excuses and delusional thinking for your brethren who just don’t want to get married at all; which is fine but don’t expect us to wait for you. I mean, they’re are too many marriage minded, eligible men of all races that want to get marry us and start a family these days; and as far as them worrying about a woman taking half, are you still living in the 50’s or something? We have been making our own money for quite some time now ( and in some cases, more than you). As far as younger women being interested in men 35+, this may be true, but only if those men want to settle down and have kids( for example, Tom Cruise marrying Katie Holmes), not be in a long term relationship for 10 years and have kids out of wedlock, I really don’t think a woman dreams of this when she is a little girl. You may be getting younger women, but the relationships aren’t lasting longer than a minute- older men expect too much from younger women, they want young women to complete them and save their lives when a young woman is still trying to figure her life out. You say men are leaving the “old, bitter ones alone,” this is faulty rhetoric because most women who are 35+ that I KNOW have it together financially, physically and mentally to attract any man, no matter the age. If a woman wants a family and marriage and is putting her signals out there, there is no way she will stay single for long and she will bypass the wannabe 40 year old bachelor- tell the truth and shame the devil (lol).

    If you don’t want to commit or even date women your age, that’s fine ( I don’t know, you could be married and just trying to give these old wannabe macks some hope) but don’t expect to be appreciated for such outdated notions of male- female relationships.

    Yes 35+ year old men can have children with women in their early to late 20’s but you are setting yourself up for getting taken for half because most women that age have just gotten out of school and haven’t established themselves in the work force yet- and in most cases, if you knock these women up- they want to get married, not be a baby mama ( so you screwed yourself).

    “Even more, marrying young cn stop you from realizing your dreams especially if you have children.”

    So you don’t think a wife and family can help you focus, drive and give you support? Then look at Will Smith, he is more driven now than ever because he knows he has a family to support at the end of the day, family is the center of this man’s life, not being the No.1 actor in the world but he got to this point by deciding what was most important and setting his life up to support those decisions. If you think Jada didn’t have his back while he worked on becoming the No.1 box office star in the world, then you are just becoming more delusional.

    As far a Obama being his own man, nobody is questioning this but he had financial support from Michelle ( who was making serious dough in her career) how much money do you think civil servants make, not much- the money Obama has is from his book sales and speaking arrangements ,but Michelle has made sacrifices to help Obama too, like leaving said career and going on the campaign trail with him and has also left her lucrative job to raise their two kids and be First Lady, just like he helped her when she was on the rise in her company as a young black exec, he took care of their children. Do you think America would have voted for a single, Black Male president, or one who doesn’t make marriage and family a priority? Hell no! Listen, the Obamas help each other, they compliment each others swag and in every way their relationship is reciprocal, which by the way you stated your argument, you don’t seem to realize.

    It seems that you don’t believe in compromise, which I think is to your detriment because the right woman will enhance your life not take away from it.

    “Yes men are remaining single longer. Some will never marry. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Ladies better recoginize before the milk goes sour.”

    LOL, yes some women’s milk will go sour but only because they allowed themselves to sit on the shelf waiting for that “perfect guy,” but men who are waiting longer for that perfect woman, are just as vulnerable:
    If a man is over 40 and is still talking about he is undecided about having kids and getting married, he’s not setting a realistic time frame as far as his life span is concerned because it is a fact men die before women.
    Honestly, you sound like a man who is not sure of himself and needs old dating postures to make him feel better about your weak game- only a beta would worry about “getting the milk for free,” Alpha’s don’t have to worry about getting milk when they have a choice of the best stock in the world and he wisely chooses the best one to help him succeed.

    So if we are the cows then you are the bulls, and in 2009 women are taking the bull by the horns, letting go of old thinking and old men who don’t want to help them become the wives and mothers and successes they are destined to be. A woman’s biological clock might be ticking over age 35, but a guys biological clock crashes when he doesn’t have tangible things to show for his success, I don’t mean houses and cars but family and relationships that make him stronger. So, really morris, it’s time to stop kidding yourself- single men over 35 don’t have it so great.

  7. Loving a bottom B says:

    It don’t matter the woman’s age but their mindset and way of thinking. I know older women (30 and up) that are more bout it and play their position while few younger women do. Older black women get over that me against the world thinking and start falling in line as well as playing their proper position in my book. Ie. An older women will fix you dinner and a plate for you without complaint while a younger women will complain about doing either or both. However that mindset is formed in realizing and accepting the game and their position. In the perfect world younger women would have older women’s mindset and the one that do are the females that have been taken off the market already.

  8. morris chestnut says:

    The truth of the matter is that men are waiting longer and longer to get married because the risks outweigh the benefits. Why would a successfull man marry; to give up half? Obama is not a product of Michelle, that’s his hard work and determination. just as her success is her own. Even more, marrying young cn stop you from realizing your dreams especially if you have children.

    35+ year old men are attracting younger, more intelligent women and leaving the bitter old ones alone. Older women know this and kid themselves into thinking they look younger. Yes black women age well and yes at 45 they look 45. Older men are attracting women in their mid twenties, eductated, intelligent, sexy and not having her advanced needs meet by her male peers.

    Yes men are remaining single longer. Some will never marry. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Ladies better recoginize before the milk goes sour.

  9. Kokoa says:

    Preach sista, thank you! The saying goes behind every good man is a great woman (something like that). When will men realize they can reach their fullest potential when they have a strong solid foundation with the right woman. We help to uplift them, support them in all that they do and be that voice of reason they need. I’m hearing you loud and clear, because I am pushing 35 and this alpha female wants to get married sooner rather than later. I have an alpha male and he is trying to get me to let him lead, and I am having difficulty as I’ve been so used to doing it on my own for so long. Can I learn to say Compromise. LOL!

    peace and blessing

  10. Sherryberry says:

    This is a extremely intriguing subject to me. I agree with Lorna, single women over 35 are looked down upon like lepers; where single men over 35 are seen as bachelors- that’s crazy! Men claim, “but yes, we can have kids at any age and women can’t haha,” however- who would want to have kids with a 50 year old man that has never been married (unless he’s rich, I guess). Like Maryann said, men get sloppy with old age- they are less in shape then when they were younger. I guess I’m generalizing here but women get this same shit; we are constantly being told that are butts and boobs sag as we age when I am seeing more sisters past 45 looking like 25.

    Unmarried men past a certain age have no direction, really no purpose other than to live for themselves- that’s really boring and shallow.

    Younger men should take heed, you only have a limited amount of time to play games with women- we all get older but I think women are the ones who get wiser about relationships quicker than men ( maybe I’m being biased LOL). Plus men who want to play past the age of 35, you could end up childless, woman-less and in some cases penniless because you have no other motivation, no one to drive your hustle or someone to spark your ambitions. Single men over 35, beware, you’re ex girlfriend could be married and carrying a baby with a handsome, powerful 27 year old executive. HAHA!

  11. SUB"VERSE"SIVE says:

    who is really worth it! it being you…i see many speak of money and titles.which can be lost as they have been gained.

    im 38 i make money and remain a “good man” yet no matter how much more i make from year to year.i dont feel as if it makes/made me any “greater man”…strip your man out his clothes and forget his financial state…….tell me what your heart sees now?

    he dont pick your man like a designer bag ladies…you might have to carry him!

  12. Nikki says:

    @bottomB yes, yes, yes! women look at them kinda strange, once we get all those ques answered, we are good…sort of…LOL

  13. Loving a bottom B says:

    Also I must add since I was told this the longer a Man stays unmarried and the older he gets the more questions are asked about him. Such as is he gay, does have focus, willingness to commit, can he be trusted, etc.

  14. Loving a bottom B says:

    Great post and I agree 100%. Any man who wishes to reach greatness needs a wife to help him get there. Yes he can or could do it on his own however she makes it easier to do.

  15. Lorna says:

    Thank you for this because it seem like everyone wants to look at single women over 35 like they got a skin disease or something aint nothing wrong with us but we are just “waiting” too. I am working on a younger man right now I am 37, he is 31 and already at a top managerial level at a Chicago financial firm, i see his future, and i am going to help him with that 😉 He’ mine.

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