Weekend Rewind: He Said/She Said Game: Your Side Of The Story

Enjoy this blast from the past! The first ever He Said/She Said….

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I contacted a few folks on my subscriber list.  I asked them: “What happened during your last breakup?  Tell me your side of the story.”

They also had to give me their ex’s contact info to get their side of the story, too.  After a few days of wondering if I should expose the truth or not, I decided I would.  This is a good practice to self examine ourselves in front of objective opinions by people who do not know us.

And that is what it means to be an “alphanista” –keep your friends close, but enemies closer because they have a lesson to teach you.  You can’t be the manager of your life, if you don’t know all the crap that’s inside your head.

Both of the subscribers have agreed to find out on this site, what the other person says.  I wrote up their stories below after doing separate interviews.  I chose not to get the info via email because too much thought goes into that.  I wanted raw facts.  They have not spoken since break up about 3 months ago.  But after this, it may be part of the healing…or not?

Denece, 31, Somewhere in NYC, chief of staff, investment bank

I met Neil about a year ago at an afterwork event in Manhattan.  As soon as I saw him my stomach made loops.  I really felt I was about to faint.  He was so handsome.  Tall, pretty teeth and had on a fly suit.  That was all external, but his look got my attention.  When he approached me, he looked even better.  He was not afraid that I was with a group of 5 women.  Though if I hadn’t excused myself, he and I may not have exchanged digits.  We went on our first that week, just a few days after meeting.  Since our first date, we had been inseparable.  Fast forward to the 3months, and I was sitting at his family table for Thanksgiving dinner.  I was excited, and so was he.  But we both knew it was a little early for anything more than dating.  But then, I noticed that he was calling me less.  This blew my mind.  We spent lots of time together and never argued.  He would always call me back when I called him.  He even told me he loved me.  But suddenly, he was playing ghost.  I cannot tell you how upset and nervous I was because I had shared secrets with this man, I really felt we would get married after a year.

One of his friends invited him on a vacation for his 35th birthday in Antigua.  I wasn’t even invited, and the other guys brought their girls.  I was hurt and pissed off.  I was beginning to feel he was trying to get rid of me.  I sat him down for the “talk” and he assured me it was in my head, and we just needed space.  I calmed down.  But when he got back from his trip 2 weeks later, it was almost the end of us.  He ran into a bitter enemy of mine (of all freakin places!) in Antigua, but I think there was some kind of soul jazz fest there or something that brought people from everywhere.  She calls me and tells me that my man, the man I trusted, called me all kinds of names and flirted with her.  Man, he slept with her.  That is what she told me.  And there is no reason for this woman to call me.

I confronted him, and he admitted meeting her, flirting with her, but not sleeping with her.  Whatever.  One of his boys told me he had disappeared for a night.  After that, I called the relationship off.  I will not demean myself for anyone just to have a man.  He was out there embarrassing the shit out of me.  While, I was trying to be the perfect woman, he was being a damn dog.  Why couldn’t he just break up with me, instead of dragging my name through the dirt and have others laugh at me behind my back?

Neil, 34, Hedge fund manager, Connecticut area

When I met Denece, it was like an instant attraction.  Out of all the women in the room, she was the tallest, not the prettiest.  Buts she had this glow about her, like this self assurance I loved in a woman.  She was in a group of females, and they were all listening to her.  She was the leader, and I liked that.  We dated quickly, things moved fast with us.  When Thanksgiving came around, I had suggested that the two of us go to dinner alone.  Do something different.  I had spent over 30 Thanksgivings with my family, and sometimes I wanna branch out if I have a special woman.  Denece said no.  She demanded that we have dinner with my family because she wanted to meet them.

I didn’t think Thanksgiving was a time to meet my family after 3 months because it always bought out  the family folks I don’t see, don’t know, and don’t like.  I had wanted her to meet my family on a regular lazy Sunday, where it was more intimate.  But like Denece, she had to have it done her way and done now.  So we did it.

That night was the beginning of our demise.  She was so extra at the Thanksgiving dinner.  She didn’t play the girlfriend role, she was all over the damn place and loud just like my 5 sisters.  It wasn’t cool with me.  I talked to her about this, and she started asking questions if I loved her, and was I trying to break up with her. So, now talking 2-3 times a day, turned into 5-6 times a day because Denece needed daily and sometimes hourly reassurance that I loved her, and wanted to be with her.  It was turning me off.  Actually, I was hurt by it because I thought I had been a good man to her.  I took care of everything in the relationship. I met her when she was down, and I helped her get herself together with a new job I referred her to.  Anyway, I thought I shown and proven I was there for her 110%.  When my boy invited me to go away for his bday, I asked Denece to come with us.  She said, no.  She didn’t want to hang with me and my boys, even though they had their girlfriends with them.

But Denece is a very insecure woman inside all that bravado, and couldn’t stand being around 3 other females for 2 weeks.  I understood, but went anyway.  That’s when I met her friend.  We did have sex.  It was a mistake. It was Antigua.  And actually, I wanted to get rid of Denece.  When I got home, it did hit me hard, because I regretted it. But Denece was more concerned about how she looked to others, than her man being with another woman.  It is always about Denece.  I am fine now, have moved on. If Denece can get rid of that holier than though attitude that she is perfect, she may finally get what she’s looking for.

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Sheree Reigns Supreme

By Guest Blogger Joreather Settles

Looking back on this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the supreme Alphanista is Sheree for her ability to “bounce back despite the odds.”

For example, during season one she ended a major chapter in her life by finalizing her divorce and attempted to roll out her business which failed miserably.  During the off season, it was reported she did not get the settlement expected and as a result her property went into foreclosure. Then, she started season two on a sour note with a petty squabble and enduring emotionally while supporting a fellow cast member as she rolled out of her fashion line first.

It’s unfortunate she was edited to be the villain of the show but despite the odds she rose to the top of the group.  She did it by having a consistent attitude, hitting the gym, celebrating her small accomplishments as well as others, laughing at the naysayers (the photo shoot) and most importantly, aligning herself with people who were determined to see her dream come to fruition.

A key element to being an Alphanista is having resilience.  Resilience refers to an individual’s capacity to thrive and fulfill potential despite oppressive conditions such as death, chronic illness, sexual, physical or emotional abuse, fear, unemployment and community violence.

According to James Neill, resiliency is:

·         having the ability to “bounce back” and “recover from almost anything.”

·         having the “where there’s a will, there’s a way” attitude

·         seeing problems as opportunities

·         “hanging tough” which things are difficult

·         having the mental capacity for seeing small windows of opportunity and making the most of them

·         having deep-rooted faith in a system of meaning

·         having a healthy social support network

The cast had platform of two million viewers tuning in weekly to promote their business. While most were moving forward, Ne-Ne seemed to be going in a circular motion.  She was catty, seemingly jealous and always referring to her never ending sob story of her parents and childhood. With that said, she was the biggest disappointment because she shows minimum growth.

Overall, I had tears of joy for Sheree because she capitalizes on her opportunity and ended with the balance she deserves.

You may visit this guest blogger at www.joreather.com for more.  Joreather.com is an experiment that goes beyond blog norms to focus on what matters most without getting too political, trashy or preachy.

MY LET GO PLAN: A Man For The Holidays?

By Guest Blogger *Cheri Williams

I took up the challenge to find a man before the end of the year without looking for one.

I got an email from Alphanista that suggested that if I started last Tuesday, it may very well happen.

It’s not like I don’t meet men all the time because I do.  I really do.  I just meet the ones who think they are too sexy for marriage.  They are over 40, successful, childless and want to stay that way.  I’m part of a NYC social circle that knows everyone. I am not rich.  Just a wanna be socialite.  The girls in this circle, are at every party you can think of.  They claim to be “together” and “independent” but they are out there searching for that man like everyone else.  Almost 40, over 40, leaving in a dream world.  I made a decision that I won’t be spending 2010 like this.  I am through with the “crew”.  I am through being one of the many females hanging out wanting to get picked, while posing like it’s good.  Oh, you think guys don’t notice this about us?  They do.  Especially when there are 7 men at a party and 22 females.

I am not religious or even spiritual, but I’m willing to learn something new.  I don’t want to be like every other female. I want to challenge myself to change my destiny.  Because right now, I am at a fork in the road. I can stay partying with these fake people in my life, or do something to bring more couples, more emotionally available men, and more love into my world.  After a while, I rather be in the arms of my man than the 100th girl at the club.

After I downloaded the program, that same night, I told a friend about 9 Tuesdays. She asked me “why am I making a man so important?”  I told her maybe because I want to?  What’s wrong with me wanting a man in my life?  If I had told her I wanted a pair of new Louboutins she would have drivene me to the store!  It just doesn’t make sense!

I’m ready to meet “him” this year–a man who wants to settle down, have a family and is emotionally available, damn, even more than me, maybe.   I’m ready to fall in love and be in love again.  I finished my first Tuesday, and already feeling a difference in me.  I’ll be blogging all the way till Dec 8th.  Look out!

Names have been changed for privacy.  From time to time guest bloggers will post about their 9 Tuesdays experience.  Cheri Williams is 34 and an associate at a Park Ave law firm in New York, NY.

Alphanista Read: French Women Don’t Sleep Alone?

Recently, I stumbled across a little book called French Women Don’t Sleep Alone.

Since my trip to Paris in ‘08, I’m convinced that almost every woman but American women know how to get and keep a man.   I learned one thing: they remain mysterious.  And another: seductive.  The techniques in this book are some that an Alphanista can use to freshen up her dating style. But wait, French women don’t date.  The author Jamie Cat Callan starts off by saying that American women have pushed themselves to “dating fatigue syndrome”.  That they see love as a job, as a thing they can get if they join the right dating service, wait long enough or go to the right party.

So, true.  It’s a perpetual cycle of underwhelming blandness.  As Dwight would say, d-r-e-a-d-f-u-l.

Callan suggests (and I love love love this idea) that American women should throw dinner parties to make introductions.  Carla Bruni, the wife of French President Sarkozy, met him at a dinner party.  Get my drift?  Good.  See, how these dinner parties work is, you invite a few folks you know, have them invite another folk or two, make sure opposite sex folks are mixed in, pick up or make some dinner, or have a potluck, and have the gang over.   That is how many social circles work in the highest economic brackets.  No one is necessarily going to the club or party to meet, but are being introduced in more intimate settings.  Well, let’s face it.  You meet Boy X at a club, then Boy X meets another girl at a dinner party thrown by a good friend.  The second girl will already have an edge.  I hope you can see why.

French Women Don’t Sleep Alone is filled with sexy advice, too.  Callan says, “be discreet, but seductive”, be unpredictable, maybe even a bit complicated.  She blames the 70s fem movement for making women deny their whimsical and double minded ways.  She says that mood swings are good, and French women see it as “great barometers of our mind, body and heart.”  She has a great section called “Be The Mistress In Your Marriage” towards the end.  It sums up the tone of the book.  At the end of the chapters, there is a “French Lesson” an act you can do on your own to change your dating fate.  Best thing is, this is not just a dating book, but life lessons can be gleaned from it too.

Also, ladies, keep a secret or two.  It’s so French.

BOOK GIVEAWAY!  To receive a FREE copy of this book, please subscribe below. (  If you are a subscriber already, no need to fill out below.) On Friday night, all subscribers will receive an email about the book giveaway.  First to reply back, gets it!  Sign up now!

ADVICE: I’m Dating A Pro Athlete

Dear Alphanista:

I really need some honest advice!

I just started talking to a pro athlete online, we have some mutual friends in common. He plays in another state, but lives here in the off season. I told him to send me his number today because I wanted to take the chat offline/into real life.  But I have no idea how to play it when I do actually talk to him. He’s super rich and I usually am the “super independent, I don’t need you” kinda girl.  But that attitude has kept me single & broke for the past 5 years!   I need to do something different to keep his attention especially since he would have a lot of other girls vying for his attention.

I am interested in dating him and I don’t want to mess this up so my question is how should I act with him If I want him to want a relationship with me?  Should I come off as fun? One of the guys? Serious & responsible? Nonchalant & independent?  Sexy & wild? Should I be stroking his ego or acting like I’m not impressed by his money? Should I call him or wait for him to call me?

And I definetly don’t want to be just a jumpoff when he’s in town…so how long should I wait to sleep with him and how do I keep his attention in the meantime?

Thinking hard,

*Annette

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Dear Annette:

My views on this are different from many.

Let’s see what you should NOT do:  Do not ask him out, do not show up by “accident” at a mutual event, and don’t be somebody you are not.  You are looking for a husband, or so it seems.  The stakes are very high here.  You can have it or lose it all.  You have to be fine with that.  Here’s what I mean:  If you’re the jump off, you just have sex, you get some change, you’re available when he is, your crown to glory is a baby.  Jump offs don’t expect much, and are treated as such.  Then you have the ones who want to be like you: in a serious relationship.   I can’t give you the formula, as I like to believe that every man has his intricacies and complications.   But here’s a few things:  The first few dates should be initiated by him.  Make it easy, tho.  Don’t follow any dumb dating rules about Wednesday for weekend dates.  If he calls and you are available go for it.

He may be thinking you are into him already.  At the date, refine yourself some.  Don’t answer everything, ask questions.  Don’t be impressed by taste, and don’t try to impress him with your wine knowledge or unique traits.  Just chill out.   See the ying and yang here?  There’s some give, there’s some pull.  It gives him enough space to separate you from the herd, and it keeps you a bit detached.  Don’t have sex.  Just don’t.  I don’t care if you wait till the second or third or 100th time you see him, just never do it asap.  It shows your insecurity.  Don’t come off as “fun” or “sexy” or “nonchalant” unless that is who you are.  If not, then men pick up on that fakeness.  Nothing wrong with stroking his ego, and making him feel good around you.  Times together should be more verbal, than anything.

Be available, but unavailable.  Meaning don’t call him, let him call you, and when he does, drop everything.   Definitely limit texts.  I think, however, you need to tell him asap on 1st date that you want a husband, and it is by no means an offer of marriage, just letting him know you are not just dating anyone, but getting to know men on a more intimate, serious level.  Be confident in your decision.  If you are afraid of that, then you may not be ready.  A woman who is ready to bite , will play.  He’ll bite back if he’s interested in getting to know you like that, either immediately or down the line.

It will put you in a different place, provided you back up your desire with consistent action.   But honestly, I really can’t help here like I could, until he becomes your man.  Then, you need more aggressive measures to make marriage the only thing he can think about.  I always say, position yourself as a buy, not a lease.  No matter what, I don’t care how many baby mamas any man has, nobody gets as much as the wife.  She will always win. Go for the gold, not shit nuggets.

From Alphanista w/love,

Maryann

Please send advice questions to maryann@alphanista.com. Names and some details are changed for privacy.

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