Can Men Tell Women How To Be Women?

Guest Blogger, Gloria Vanner

That is not my real name  You won’t know who I am, but what I am about to write can change your life forever.

Here’s my story first.  But I’m going to skip some of the standard parts:  I’m educated, single, beautiful, yada yada.  When I was in my 20s, I was about partying, hanging with ballers, searching for rich men, and pretty much having the time of life.  I let some great men slip by because they didn’t have “enough”  or looked good “enough”.  Fast forward, 10 years.  I have a fly condo I in Lower Manhattan, a benz, and six figure a year job, no kids, a puppy, and I sleep alone every night.  Oh, let me correct that.  I used to sleep alone.

My family and friends always push the best for me.  What I had was never “enough”.  I couldn’t just graduate college I had to be in the top 5.  I couldn’t just have a man, but he had to be a childless, 6 foot 4, CEO/homeowner/yachtowner/who basically had lots of free time on his hands to be at my beck and call.  I hope you know that this is nearly impossible.  This is part of the “dream” so many women have.  It’s NOT true.  Once you wake up from that dream, that’s when life really begins.  Those qualities are not called standards, they are “jailers” that keep you confined and limited, and always, ALWAYS, the same.

When you read magazines, or books like Act Like A  Woman, Think Like A Man by Steve Harvey and Letters To A Young Sister by Hill Harper, they forget to tell you that.  I will never be duped by anything but the truth. A man cannot teach me to be a woman, and vice versa.  Once women stop buying this garbage, will they know that they already had all the answers, just refused to believe it.  You don’t have to “behave” a certain way to get married, just watch the show Bridezillas.  Totally defunct women, who are still finding love and acceptance.

If these books are not saying all of that, then it’s worthless.  I want to read more books written by happy women who show how THEY did it.  Let me explain.

I have a wonderful relationship right now with a man who sort of just walked in my life while I was home.  A friend suggested him for me.  I didn’t meet him at the club, at the mall, online or on a boatride or party.  I had seen my friend many times before, and she never suggested this person for me.  She is NOT one to hook people up, but she herself is in a happy relationship so there was no need for her to feel threatened.  She bought him up casually one day.   Since I reached out, me and this man have been inseparable.  He has been more of a man to me than I have ever had.  He treats me like gold, speaks to me gently, listens to me, but he also teaches me, leads me, and *&cks the hell out of me on a regular basis.  Could I ask for more?  Well, he’s not a millionaire, but an intelligent man with a respectable job, owns property, has a small modest business, he’s working on growing, and was previously married. We are currently designing our life and future right now.  Long talks on the phone, planning, anticipating.   He’s vulnerable and ready.  I wouldn’t trade him in for anything.

So, my point?  Don’t worry about  what books tell you.  I didn’t have a 3 month waiting period, or a Wednesday cut off date for a date.  I didn’t put myself on the market and perch myself at events to meet monied men.  Broaden your options, that is what it’s really about.  Single women call it settling, hence, why they are single.    Most of these women will NEVER get married.  That job, that money, that look is not what will get you a husband or  a partner.  It’s how you much you allow yourself to broaden your options and plan strategically.  What you need at 25, you don’t need at 35.  I do hope you know the difference.   Don’t buy into the hype and marketing that SINGLE men push.   Or the hype that makes it look easy, cute, and sexy.  It is not.  I have been there.  I didn’t want to be single, and have always been a woman built for companionship.  I know there are some women who are not, and more power to them.  I do not want to be them for a day.  I like being vulnerable, feminine, wise, and respected, protected and loved by a man.

At the end of the day, if you are single, it’s only your fault.  All the degrees and acumens are not going to make you look less crazy than a woman who is and lives alone with her cats or dog.

BOTTOM LINE: Free Yourself.

Guest Blogger “Gloria Vanner” lives in Manhattan and is currently engaged.

POLL: What’s the “Alpha” Thing To Do Today?

Mondays are known as hectic, but here at Alphanista I keep it simple.  So, before you get lost in your day think about how you are showing up today?

Making love, literally?!  Whew, that’s nice!

Or making war?  Sometimes, we’ve gotta take care of business!

Weekend Rewind: ‘Hitch Your Wagon To A Star’ Isn’t Just A Sayin’

You are what you eat.  You are what your contact list looks like.  You are who you know.  A concept that is rather unusual to some people who compare knowing folks to having “friends”.  Everyone you know doesn’t have to be your friend.  They just have to be adding to your net-worth.

What I mean is this:  In your circle there should be at least one of each:

• Someone who can give you something–money, contacts, power
• Someone who can influence someone else in your favor for that right job, situation, home, promotion, etc
• Someone who can provide a solution to a crisis that can save your name and interests
• Someone who can enhance your credibility such as when they are with you, you shine twice as bright
• Someone who can motivate and redirect you through the proper words or spiritual guidance
• Someone who can vouch for your honor and get your arse out of trouble (and your mama doesn’t count)

They shouldn’t be anyone in your family, but new people you draw in.  If you are lacking in any of these relationships you are stagnant.  It’s a perfect opportunity to fill in that gap–NOW.  Dare to raise the bar.  Scare yourself a little.  Reach out to that person you met at the networking event months ago.   Who cares if they don’t remember you.  Make them.  Always leave an impression.

Next, pay attention to the language of the article excerpt below from the Huffington Post about White House Social Secretary Desiree Rogers.  Words like “friend”, “intimate”, “close”, “contacts” mean something:

This appointment sends a strong message that the Obamas want to use the White House strategically, to maximize its use in a way that is consistent with their philosophy — [to] open it to a broader range of people, ” said Valerie Jarrett, an Obama intimate and friend of Rogers’s who also will work in the White House. “Desirée is a heavy hitter — she comes with her own range of contacts from around the country. She’s close to Michelle and she knows everyone who will be working in the West Wing, so she will be able to create a synergy.”

The list above is just a starting point.  There’s more.  But all of them are so valuable no amount of money can be placed on it.  These are relationships cultivated in college, through family relationships, community connections, professional events, and just sheer luck. For instance, college internships are never about the experience as much as they are about the contacts.  Better believe, all of these new faces in the Obama administration are not from the local career fair, they are from relationships cultivated years ago, from one person to the next.  Success breeds success.

Unfortunately, many people are afraid to connect with others for fear of being seen and heard.  They don’t want people to know who they really are and that perhaps they don’t have the cache to roll with them.  Ever heard of fake it till you make it?  A power mantra used by some of the business gurus of our time–Napolean Hill, and yes, Donald Trump.

If you missed the Ivy League or college internships to get a head start, you can simply find conferences and events in your area that cater to your goals.  Some may argue that this is simply brown-nosing or using others to make your way.

You need relationships, not just the ones to keep you warm at night.  Not the cash to spend on the yacht.  But if you know someone with the yacht, who can invite you on it for an evening and introduce you to the folks who can show you how to make the money and buy your own yacht, that’s way better, that’s an alphanista moment.

Accessorize Your Sexy: Part II

By Guest Blogger, Goldie

Ladies.

The last category I touched base about was Headgear. Hats, headbands, scarves and the like are a good way to keep that hair in place. It can take a simple hairstyle to a new level.

Now onto to my personal favorite: BELTS!!! There should be a few belts in your closet that can assist your outfit. One that always does the trick is a skinny belt, one that can be worn tight around your waist or fit into your belt loops of your low-waisted jeans. You can choose whatever color though a black or brown will have versatility. A thick, waist cinching belt is a miust have. You need it to show your waist, even in the most shapeless of dresses. You can give anything a sexy silhouette when you belt it up!

The last suggestion I’ll make on belts is something fun! A print or texture on a belt can make a simple outfit become just a bit more interesting or even a conversation piece.

An Alphanista makes sure to keep an air of mystery. We can’t be an open book or they won’t come back for seconds. Reel ‘em in but keep them at the dock with a nice pair of shades. Don’t tell me you can’t find a good pair for you because almost any retailer that wants to sell their merchandise will have a mirror close by.Try a few on and see what size and style best fits the shape of you face, then go from there. For me, large framed way-fayers just won’t do but a rounded square will. Plus these will come in handy when you look tired or didn’t have enough time to beat that face (makeup term) before running an errand.

I hate to categorize shoes into accessories section because they should have a full blog of their own. I’ll attempt to keep it condensed for now. One should have a few conservative shoes. A black pair of closed toe, a nude closed toe, and a metallic strappy sandal. Those will go so far in anyone’s wardrobe, so if you’re in cahoots about what style shoe to wear with that new purchase think of those three choices I’ve just provided you . Can you put a strappy sandal next to that plum colored wrap dress? Yes, well then go get a pair because no matter what you spend on these staple pairs it will be money well spent. Those platform multicolored gladiator shoes don’t work with EVERYTHING so sweetheart you need to get the shoe that will. More bang for your buck!

Last is Makeup!

I know makeup isn’t technically an accessory but it’s about time some of you ladies saw it my way. If your outfit is done up and your face looks like a dry bland mess, who will want the product. Now mind you some women can and do get away with not wearing makeup but that simply cannot go for everyone. Everyone should have a few lipsticks to keep up with beauty’s trends. A black eyeliner, preferably kohl to rim those eyes and give the minimalist’s smoky look is another. You should have a good blush/bronzer because EVERYONE can benefit from a sunkissed glow. Also, a Body shimmer will do the trick every time. This will take your skin color to the next level. It looks good on collar bones, shins, bustline, shoulders, and arms.

You will be suprised how good you’ll look photographed with a little body shimmer in a color similar to your undertone. That’s all ladies. there are other things like watches, body piercings, and other randomalities that I’m sure we can all argue are imperative but those are staples for some, not all. Please take this list and develop a well-rounded wardrobe. How you apply this to your future purchases is up to you but along everyone’s creativity and interpretation there are standards that will solve many of our “what am I going to wear” problems.

Guest blogger Goldie Goldie is a Public Relations student interested in Fashion Publicity and Reporting. Find out more at www.goldlabeler.com.

My Let Go Update: My Man and I Made It, And Thensome!

By Guest Blogger *Karen Rangel

So I’ve finished the 9 Tuesdays, and I’m happy to report that I got what I asked for!

When I started the treatments, things were in a strange place for me. My partner was being weird and distant, and I need more direction in my life from a personal standpoint. I was ready to cut my losses and break things off with him, because I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere anymore. I felt in my heart that this was the person for me, but I was prepared to move on if I had to because things seemed stagnant. I began the program with the thought that things could go the way I wanted, or not, which was scary.

During the treatments I gained a greater knowledge of self, learned to listen to my intuition, and I witnessed many doors open for me. I realized that sometimes I was standing in my own way by certain actions (and non-actions). I learned to focus more on being my best self and creating the life I want, while everything else falls into place in relation to that.

Now, I’m starting my own business, and my boyfriend and I are discussing next steps in our relationship. But I’m not overthinking it, I’m just “letting go.” Funny how that thing works .

I would like to thank you for the knowledge, it is a blessing! I see that it’s not something that every woman can do and be successful in, and I feel blessed to have been able to go on this journey and come out on top. I’m thinking about doing it again at the end of 2009 or early 2010.

Take Care!

*name has been changed to protect privacy

From time to time, women will blog about their experiences using the 9 Tuesdays: Let Go Plan.  To protect their privacy, questions should be left on blog or emailed to maryann@alphanista.com for forwarding.

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