Top Signs Your Baby Daddy Ain’t Gonna Marry You (in no particular order):

[If Your comment isn't below, please be patient, blog is actin' funny today] This is the short list as I am sure there are more. But when a baby daddy wants to marry, there are no guesses. It’s clear when you two can sit down and politick about it. If any of these signs are familiar perhaps its best to reflect on the matter. When I hear about some baby mamas who are furious or hurt by their nonmarrying baby daddies they want to raise hell. Don’t do that. The best “revenge” is living well.

Never take a child away from a parent as a way to get attention. If an adult is seen as able by the court to have unsupervised or even supervised visits, so be it. Stopping a man from seeing his child further isolates the baby mama and builds resentment in the child. And it’s just plain ‘ole evil. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.  Eventually, that child may dog you out on Dr. Phil.

These are just some things I picked up along the way:

1. He doesn’t live with you and your child, or hasn’t within the last 90 days
2. He has a girlfriend
3. He has moved out of state (like really, far)
4. He just has sex with you and/or only calls you at 3am
5. He wants to pay court mandated child support so the govt can deal with you and he doesn’t (no access to him for extra money anymore)
6. He introduced you to his wife
7. The kids are talking about a new “auntie” they met
8. He’s taking you to court for sole custody
9. You still holding on to that “promise” ring—the ring that promises he’ll get engaged to you that promises he’ll marry you
10. He’s still at that “construction” job

What did I miss?

Let Your Man Go, So He Can Stay

[NOTE:  THIS POST IS IN NO WAY CONDONING BAD TREATMENT.  DO AS YOU SEE FIT IN YOUR RELATIONS.  HOWEVER, THIS POST, AS ALL POSTS DO, ENCOURAGE YOU TO BE YOURSELF AND NEVER LET ANYONE CHANGE WHO YOU ARE AND GO OUT AND BUY STRIPPER SHOES JUST TO KEEP HIM.  CARRY ON...]

Where do I begin with this one?  I spent the weekend coming across one trifling conversation to another about how one woman is trying to hold her man by doing these things:  buying a pole for the bedroom, starving herself, taking lap dances classes, and currently researching a job as a “web cam girl” to spice up her boyfriend’s fantasies.

This is all 1 woman.  Then in another conversation, someone else was talking about all the whips, chains, and sex books she has brought herself to keep her man at home.  Just last night, I read online a hideous post advising women to be that fantasy woman and learn from the strippers how to please him.

(Yawn)  This is all fine if it’s something your man has asked of you. If he actually came to you and said, “Baby, things are kinda wack around here, come to the strip club with me” or “Damn, we need something new.  How about a giant, black vibrating man-doll?”

Then you can ahead and proceed as you like.  But I feel strongly about women interjecting on “man time” or “man space”. Though I may be leaning towards the strip club, this really applies to anything that is considered “me time” for a man.  Maybe the truth is he doesn’t want to see you (again) doing that lap dance for him in the heels, but he rather be at the strip club checking those ladies out.  He sees you all the time in many ways—happy, sad, funky, clean, fat, slim, bloated, etc.  He sees the girl at the strip club looking shiny and slick all the time.  It just makes sense why he rather go there.  It has nothing to do with his affection for you, but everything to do with him just wanting to see the strippers.  Yup, that simple.

He wants to go out and look at a strippers on the pole or another splendid estrogen filled adventure.  Without judging him, crying, or being manipulative, the best thing is to let him go.  Let him be free.  As long as you both have some unwritten rules like be home before sunrise, make sure you wash your hands before you touch me, what really is the problem?  The problem is YOU.   You can drive your man away just with your mouth.  You can drive him away with your petty little jealous notions.  The way you to maintain anything in life, and even leverage, is to act like you don’t want something.  Not being disrespectful and hiding his singles—you wanna make sure he has all the singles he needs so he’s not in front of the bodega at 4am in the middle of a drive-by trying to break a $20.  

But while he’s gone, enjoy your free time, alone or with friends.  No, you shouldn’t go to a strip club with your girls to compete with him.  It’s not the same, and it is too obvious as most women react out of scorn to “get back” at their man.  You’re not most women.  While he’s gone, you may just want to sleep.  If you live with a virile man, you know how hard it is to get a decent 8 hour sleep in a row without being poked or prodded some time in between.  Finally when he gets in, it’s all fair game then.  The fun is just beginning or it’s just ending. 

This is also called trust.  When you completely and wholly trust your man, and he trusts you, there is no deeper intimacy than that.  That’s the glue that makes relationships stick. Complete trust represents freedom, joy, expansion.  You both can come to each other with needs, requests, ideas and feel safe that it will be listened to, may not always be fulfilled, but listened to.  A man will most likely stay with a woman who will allow him to be himself, and explore the world on his own accord.  Now, I understand how scary this may be feel, and that’s normal.  But if it’s too scary, you are already counting down the relationship’s demise. 

Now, granted there are some men who don’t want their space from you or want to be somebody else, he may be what you need. But most alpha males, need to be let go.  But since most men aren’t alphas, it can get very complicated with emotions, threats, and the need to compete with your partner.  An alpha male knows how to handle these situations because he’s already laid it down at home.  We know the rules.  We know the loyalty is there, and so is the unbreakable bond. 

It’s not fair to confine anybody from living because they are with YOU.  You’re holding your lover, not a hostage in a relationship.   Also, don’t demand that you want to go to the strip club with him.  First of all, most men don’t know how to act when their wife or girlfriend is there with them and will interrogate you about your sexuality all night.  Secondly, they may not want you there at all.  It’s best to have an open conversation. If he’s tuned into you, he’ll see that it makes you uncomfortable, and may invite you on his own accord.  That’s the way to go.  He’s prepared and can feel good about sharing something different with you.  Rather than you steamrolling him with your demands.  It’s not sexy, it screams “love me, please.”  A desperate cry for help.  It’s always better when your man wants to spend more time with you, than you want to spend with him. He wants to spend 100%.  You want to spend 95%.  Works like a charm, rarely does when it’s the woman going 100 alone.  She’ll eventually sabotage the relationship because insecurity will eat away at her.  Remember, you want to take care of yourself first.  You must always love yourself more than anyone else.  To do this, you have to accept that you cannot control others and must do what you need to do to keep your own sanity. Nothing worse than seeing a woman forcing a man to change to make HER more comfortable.  That is your job, hon.

Also, what is it with all these pole dancing classes?  Can’t we just leave well enough alone?  The strippers will always get paid, so you taking a pole dancing class is not going to shut down their way of living.  In fact, the more men see regular women pole dance, the more they’ll want to go to the strip club.  Law of Nonresistance.  Granted, you can still do bedroom tricks and surprises to keep things fresh as long as you understand this is just another tactic to keep him, but it won’t make him stay.  I rather a man who wants to stay, rather one that needs to be kept.  You’ll be chasing after him forever.

To A Smart Girl Men Are No Problem, They’re The Answer

Here’s a little something to take through your weekend.  The above words of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor.  I absolutely adore men.  Not all women do because they see them as a source of stress, but so is the long ass menu at The Cheesecake Factory, but I’m not giving that up!  I like how men make me feel as a woman.  I like how they walk, talk, and do that little gruntin’ noise when they’re getting comfortable.  I like to watch them shave, cut down a tree, and help an old lady across the street. 

Zsa Zsa couldn’t be more right. Now, I don’t know how many times she’s been married, but it’s more than thrice. Women like that know a lot about men. “To a smart girl men are no problem, they’re the answer” simply means that don’t stress over men because if applied wisely they can be great resources. They can fertilize you, care for you, fix the toilet, and if you’re really lucky, let you keep the house after a divorce. They have their little annoying tendencies for attention, but don’t you just love petting them? Men, creatures that are so easy to please. When they love you, even the crumbs on your lip they want to suck off. The especially rambunctious ones can be a handful, but even in their diabolical-self-destructive-narcissism you still love the way he cooks those turkey cutlets in ginger honey glaze. Like Nina’s man in EVERY MAN FOR HERSELF. Or, on another note, like the way he strokes your, uhm, back after a long day’s work.

Yes, men can be the answer. Just make sure you got the right question.

He Said/She Said Game: Your Side Of The Story

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Here we are again.  The flood of emails have been increasing week by week for requests to get the facts straight.  After a break-up it’s easy to get stuck with that “not so fresh” feeling.  Things still feel incomplete.  As I mentioned, I do not fix any situations, just get the details by phone or email and let everyone else judge who is right in this matter.  Next up, is the lovely couple below.  Sweet couple, it seems, met online and had a short lil something. Maybe you’ve been there.  When you can’t really tell someone how you feel or you always feel you may say the wrong thing.   If you want to send in your side of the story, you must be a subscriber and keep it short.  I am a staunch believer that people break up for a reason, but it’s good to at least get a few answers to see where you may have went wrong. 

Thankfully, the love story below has nothing to do with cheating like the last one.  I feel for the girl, but I won’t give my opinion just yet.  Tell me what you think.  Who won this game?

 

Tish, 28, Television Production Assistant, NYC

A couple of months ago I was online, doing the Chemistry dating thing.  I finally got matched with a nice looking guy. Good height, build and nice style.  We went out on a few dates and we connected right away.  I loved his voice, his style and he was very gentlemanly.  Thought I could see myself as his girl and he my man.  A few weeks passed and we dated a few times, but I noticed the phone calls weren’t regular.  When I date, guys usually call every night or every other night.  This dude was calling me like once a week.  When we talked, it was fun, no drama and I kept it light.  I was wondering that maybe he was dating around if he wasn’t checking for me like that.  But I was not dating anyone else, and I really felt it when he didn’t call.  My phone would not ring at all.  I didn’t want to date just anybody because I was ready to settle down.  I told myself to just give him his space. I also didn’t want to mess things up by saying the wrong things.  I have a tendency to talk alot when I’m nervous.  And it had only been a month. 

A whole week passed and I hadn’t heard from him.  I called him out the blue and he was so glad to hear from me.  Told me he had been sick.  I invited him to my auntie’s birthday party that night at my grandmother’s house.  I know it was bold, but I figured what the hell. I don’t want to keep hiding my feelings and as a woman, I felt it was up to me to initiate more connection and closeness, at least on an emotional level.  To my surprise, he was happy to come and we had a great time that night.  We even went out to a club afterwards, ate and had a ball.  He even came by my place and didn’t make any funny moves.  Then it happened again.  He didn’t call.  I waited several days and finally he called. I was frustrated by that point because I was being very careful with him and patient.  I told him right there that I was a woman who wanted to be married soon, in a year, and if that wasn’t on his mind—meeting a woman for marriage—then we need to stop wasting each other’s time.  He agreed, hung up sounding all chipper and happy.  I never heard from him again.  I took me months to get over that. I still think about it.  My gay brother says he could be gay.  I think that is something he should have shared.  But should I had told him I was dating to get married and settle down?

Jerry, 40, Analyst/Accountant, NJ

I met Tish online.  That is true.  I wasn’t taking it that serious.  Even when we switched emails I was like “okay, whatever, let’s see how we feel when we get together.”  And when I saw her, I was blown away.  She made me nervous, she looked so good.  I took her out a few times.  Everything Tish said was right on point.  She was laid back and she let me lead the way, open the doors, and treat her right.  But something did happen.  When she asked me if I had ever been married. I said “yes.”  She didn’t mention that did she?  She looked a little disappointed when I told her, but we didn’t push it any further.  On my online profile and I said I “maybe” want kids.  I don’t have any kids.  I’m not in a rush to make any.  I’m 40 and it may seem different, but that’s me.  I’d rather wait till I get married, if I do, again. 

Tish is a very inspirational woman, she has all sorts of ideas and projects she works on.  It intrigued me because my job is mostly pushing numbers.  I wanted to do what she was doing working in television and all that.  I gave her my opinion on a few business things and she immediately would shut me down.  She’d tell me she isn’t looking for a business partner, but for a man.  I felt I could be both. I also felt like she thought I wanted something from her.  So I backed off a little, didn’t call as much.  I was talking to a few other women, nothing serious.  When I went to the party at her fam’s house, it was just something to do.  I didn’t see it as a deep thing. I had no plans that night and didn’t mind seeing Tish.  I called her the next day.  Did she mention that?  No.  She wasn’t home.  Don’t remember if she called me back, but I called her again a few days later. 

Then she laid it on me about getting married. In a year!  I told her no way.  I hung up and I wasn’t happy like she said. I felt threatened like she was infringing on my personal space.   Tish is the kind of a woman who wants to be a suburban mom, that’s not me.  I know she took it all personally, but I think I did her a favor.  I think. I just didn’t think it’s a woman’s place to be so upfront about being married.  I stopped talking to her  to show her that what she said was wrong.  And I’m not gay.

If You’re Single And Still Finding Yourself…Part II

There’s this insanity lately that you have to be perfected and mended up emotionally before you can meet someone.  If you’re a bad person, you’ll attract a bad person. Yada yada.  This is driving so many people to just well, be perfect, which is impossible or make them think something is wrong with them.  Well, nothing is wrong.  A brother-like friend of mine got married recently and he is a good, kind loving man.  His wife is well, you know, had issues.  Screwed up career wise (just got fired), and had just broken up with someone, heart battered and all that. She didn’t take the 1 year recovery time. She and my friend met and boom it happened.  They are married several months after meeting.  No big jury had to deliberate, no therapy books had to be ordered, no spiritual bath had to be rendered.  They are soulmates and the timing was perfect.  You know why?  Because they both believed it so.

She told me she didn’t do much of anything, but create a vaccum in her life by leaving a bad relationship and told everyone around her that she was ready to be married.  While everyone told her she needed more time, she didn’t lie about being “happy alone” or needing to “find myself again”.  She didn’t want to do that. She liked being in a relationship.  Did she go out five nights a week to get him?  No.  It happened while she was looking raggedy walking to her car one morning.

Stop listening to married folks about how you are so lucky being single.  They are lying, especially if you don’t feel lucky.  Stop doing these things now if you’re single don’t want to be:

Lying to people that you are happy being single—Ladies, please let this go.  It is so 1990s.  If I hear another Ms. Independent song….If you are really happy being single why do you need to validate it to everybody you meet?  It is okay to be like, “Yeah, I want to be with one person. I miss that.”  Nice and simple. You never know who’s listening and can help.  The problem is folks are too caught up in being seen as a victim or “desperate”.  How does that work for you when your “desperate” friends are all happily married and you’re still marching around with grey hairs (you know where) ‘tam bout you happy being single—again.  It’s tough, it’s unattractive, and it’s repulsive.  Men will not approach you because of this tension they’ll feel around you.  This type of attitude holds lots of tension because it is holding on to something else.  It’s more about being happy you don’t have to reveal yourself, have sex when you don’t want to, be seen naked because you hate your body, being accountable to a man, being judged by others, etc.  There’s nothing wrong with being a vulnerable woman.  There is strength in being honest and open about your need for a man’s deep love. There’s nothing like it. Real, grown women know what I mean.

Finding yourself –Can’t you do that in the garage?  Or during prayer time?  Why do some women need years to find themselves only to find themselves 45 and not married.  Now she’s ready!  Finding yourself is a life long journey.  You have Monks in Asia in solitude for the last 15 years still finding themselves.  This is another wall you built to stay by yourself.

Black men and “the shortage” –It’s a mind game.  Just because you can’t find one, doesn’t mean there is one.  There is no shortage.  If you think there is, then that’s exactly what you will find—short, Black men.

Having casual sex–This is part of the course sometimes.  If you want to get married, having casual sex with different men is just gonna block up all that good energy with crap.  You may have gone through a booty call phase or have a consistent one on call right now.  These should be limited as much as possible when you’re marriage date is less than a year away.  Mostly because you want to create a vacuum.  Forgive the pun, but if something is already being filled temporarily, it can’t be filled permanently.  Law of physics. 

Forcing yourself to go out—We’ve all been there. Thinking “damn, I should be doing something”.  Forcing yourself to go out is expensive and 9/10 times you wish you hadn’t by the time you get there.  The best way around this is have a schedule.  Choose to go out ahead of time. For instance once a week you go out socially, no matter what day or the 15th and 30th you go out (besides it being pay day) are days you choose to see what’s going on.  That way you feel more in control and avoid getting into a rut.

Talking, again, to the ex—We have to go there.  I caution heavily with this.  Even if you do get married to the nut. If the ex is over 25, believe me most people are not going to change that much.  Just love the man for who he is, faults and all.  If you can accept the ugliness that made you break up in a new light, then go for it.  But if you are praying that it never rears its end again, sign a good prenup.

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