Check Me Out In Newsweek

Please read my piece in the My Turn section of NEWSWEEK today, “A No Excuses Christmas…” Yes, it’s Obama related   Enjoy!

ADVICE: I Want My Ex Back For Good

I would first off like to thank you for your continued insight…I am so addicted to reading this website… I definitely consider myself to be alpha female, but over the past few years I’ve been feeling quite, unalpha-female ish.

I am desperately in love with my ex boyfriend.  I am a confident, intelligent beautiful young woman. At the ripe old age of 22, I have Bachelors degree in  Economics, I live in my own apartment, pay my own bills, drive my own (relatively luxurious) car. I do not get help from anyone, I do this by myself. To keep up with my responsibilities, I work a full-time receptionist job and I am also in school working to add to my degree. I met a guy a few years ago and we clicked immediately as friends, and shortly thereafter became lovers. At the time he was absolutely perfect. I even became pregnant and had planned to keep the baby (with his approval) until one beautiful Sunday afternoon I found out that he had a girlfriend of…wait for it… FOUR YEARS.

After that we hadn’t been in contact with each other for about 6 months, he contacted me, and I listened to his words, took him back. Every time we had sex I cried, and he would just hold me. I could see my life when I looked into this guy’s eyes.

After we continued our little rendezvous for a few months, something snapped into my head and told me to cut him off right away. And so I did. That was in the first week of November. I haven’t spoken to or contacted him ever since. But it is slowly killing me, and eating away at my soul. He’s reached out to me to see how I’m doing, but I’ve never responded. I want to respond, yet I don’t. I want to move on, but I don’t. I can’t help but feel like there is more to us, that we can never end.

I want to be strong here. I am too loved by God and family, too strong, too intelligent to succumb to these feelings. I want to be the Alpha Female type again and switch the roles. I need to get myself BACK. But where do I start?. ? . ?

Signed,
Letting go

 

Dear Letting Go:

First and foremost, use a condom, plastic wrap, IUD, birth control pills, and the patch all at the same time to avoid getting pregnant from this man again.  You seem like an intelligent, self sufficient, young woman with so many possible options in front of you.  But, let’s focus on the specifics.

Here’s what you should do, which seems like the theme for today:  NOTHING, at first.  The best advice I was ever given in a situation like this was just, “Wait.”  As hard as it may seem, you need to give yourself a break and let things develop.  Oftentimes, we get obsessed with trying to control the circumstances.  Let it be.  It’s a big girl thing to do.  I know you can handle that.

So, what are you waiting for exactly?  To see who he really is.  November was just yesterday.  You can tell the true character of a man or woman at the end of a relationship.    One thing that bugs me is that he doesn’t seem consistent.  That’s a red flag. He changes his mind a lot.  Live your life, move on while he figures it out on his own.  If he’s interested as you hope you he is, he’ll never stop reaching out.  Come January, he’ll still be calling.  Two good qualities I look for in a man: consistency and persistency.  His calls should also be to make amends or to say hello, never threatening or uncomfortable.

You don’t have to respond.  But let’s say you respond, like tonight when he calls.  You then need to deal with the consequences.  Ever checked the oven every 10 minutes to see if something was finally ready?  It never is until, well, it’s ready by leaving the oven door closed until it’s appointed time.  But let’s say you go in early.  Please protect your body.  This is the only thing you have that you can control.  Our mind wanders and is often hard to tame.  Your body should be protected by the gazillion of birth control methods available. If this man has not committed to you, preferably through marriage, why are you even considering laying down your body to him in such raw openness? That is scary.  You need to check yourself on that.

Next, do not jump right into bed with him.  Tell him you want to start on a clean slate. If he comes back to you on his own, you set the terms and stick to it.   Date again, spend non sexual time with each other.  Talk about your future plans, together or on your own.   The trick is to spend less time with him, but more quality time for a few months. 

You need to follow your intuition on this one.  Doesn’t seem like you want to accept reality.  An alpha female is about controlling her destiny, not being controlled by it.  You’re letting it control you now.  Pregnant before 25 on your own.  It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’ve been working so hard towards, but it’s creeping around the peripheral of your life if you don’t take more control of yourself.

For now, work on the relationship with yourself and you’ll see things rearrange all around you.  Read.  A book that helped me was, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship.  Later, find maybe a group of young professionals you can join. Not to meet other men so much, as to meet other women who can act as role models.  Volunteer on the weekends.  Keep focused on the big picture of your life, not the crumbs being thrown at you right now.  That’s alpha.

From an AF with love,
MR

*Disclaimer (If you would like to submit a question for advice you must be a subscriber.  All advice is for entertainment purposes only because I am not a freakin’ therapist, just a child of God.)

A Word From Alphanista™

Thank you again to all the new subscribers we’ve had in the last several weeks.  Some of you have been in touch with me about the blog and had questions.  Below are some things you need to know:

1.    If you are a subscriber and have an idea, alpha article or question, please email it to me at mreidasst1@aol.com.  Articles should be between 300-500 words.  We are always looking for guest bloggers!  One of the top commentators, Ms. Tee (author Te-Erika Patterson) was one of our latest.  But you don’t have to be an “expert”.

2.    If you like the blog, you’ll love one of my 5 books published by St. Martins Press.   Most of the topics and articles we bitch about on here can be found in my books drawn out with characters, circumstances and real life solutions.  Thank you for those who’ve purchased a book, and to those who thought about it.  What books?  Please scroll down and then take a look at the right of your screen >>>>>>.  This blog is only the tip of the iceberg of what you can learn.  All the main female characters in my books are alpha females, and you know where there are alpha females, an alpha male is not far behind.

As always I appreciate your support of the blog.  It’s not just something to do for me, but something I look forward to everyday in working to meet your needs and stay true to the Alphanista™ empowerment message of doing it your way (even if it means breaking rules), and doing it big.  It’s a business for me, a fun, engaging, and enriching way of bringing more people into my world because “sharing is caring”.  I will be offering some new products soon, too, because this is a lifestyle, not just a word. But first, a free thank you product coming up in the next few weeks.  Until then, stay tuned!

Tip 8: How To Be An Alpha Female

“An alpha female may have a hard time at work because of her innate leadership skills and can ruffle the wrong feathers; she manages to rise to the top because of her style and intellect…”

An alpha female at work can be two things: she can be the best person you’ve ever worked with and the worst, or even be both at the same time.  Most people cruise through their ordinary jobs with “go along to get along” in mind.  They like their jobs for the most part, the people they work with, and pretty much want to keep things the same.  Some are even so compliant and set in their ways that they don’t even want to be promoted, they are “just fine” with their initialed coffee mug and pinned up photos on their desks.  If you know a woman in this crew, she’s also the one who knows everybody, talks about everyone, and eats lunch with the same 2-3 people everyday.

On the outskirts of all this mediocrity is the alpha female.  You may have met her. She’s usually the one whose job title actually outweighs her qualifications.  Alphas find themselves in top, hi profile positions suddenly, overnight, with a resume that doesn’t quite make sense of it all. For instance, she may have been a model w/no college education, but she’s running a multimillion dollar fashion empire because of her “relationships”.  When she’s at a regular job, she’s polite, does her work, and goes through her own motions, but still has a motive.  She under promises and over delivers and knows this is the way to intrigue the higher ups.  She’s not partial to hanging with any particular crew at the job and will create her own.  She doesn’t see the workplace as a place to “work”, but a place to plan her next move.  She may piss people off and get “fired” because she has her own mind that believes her way is the best.  She actually believes she is smarter than the boss and sometimes acts that way, getting her in some hot water here and there.  She may also be the subject of whispers on the job because of how she dresses, talks, or acts.   She’s sharp, intelligent and calculating.  She stands out.  Make no bones about it.

She’s prone to using her wit, intelligence, and feminine assets to get noticed, too.  Flirting can be a weapon.  Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher wasn’t the most beautiful woman but she was witty and loved flirting with reporters, according to reports.  This disarmed them and made her a media darling.   Others take it further.  Most alpha females don’t think sleeping with the boss is always a bad thing, but can be a two-way street if two are in mutual agreement.  In her world, there’s always more than one way to get something done.  To her, it is every woman for herself.  Thatcher once said, “I owe nothing to women’s lib.”  For the alpha female at work, it’s always about her, for she believes the more greatness she can acquire, the more greatness she can produce, and the more great her underlings can become.

ADVICE: Me, Myself, and I…But I Don’t!

I moved to NYC about a year ago from Atlanta, and I am so frustrated that this city is so dead. I have no friends, can’t meet any, and I am tired of going out alone. I go out and no one talks to me. The guys don’t even look at me, and I am pretty damn hot. I’m banging. It’s just I’m not the only one banging anymore. I know the girls hate me….What do I do? Should I keep going out alone? How can I meet other women to hang with?

Thanks,
Georgia Peach

Dear GP:

It’s something we all go through as we age.  Either we move away or our friends do.  But many of us find ourselves starting over far too much.   Don’t be so critical of yourself. 

You have to get out of the victim role. If people aren’t talking to you, it could be a vibe you give off. As I read your question, I could picture a sour grill. A very nasty, annoyed look. Is that what you’re carrying around? Even if it’s in your head that people don’t like you, people sense negativity. So, work on that. Next, stop thinking about how to meet other women. You want other women to meet you. Always provide value to people, find out how you can help them or suggest things. Never take a resigned role of waiting for another woman to acknowledge you. Smile, introduce yourself, compliment her hair or shoes, talk about how bad the food is (people bond more through pain so use it as a hook to get them talking). Look like someone other girls would want to meet. The goal is not so much to make a friend, than it is to find a wing-girl, a chick who is only there to hang and go to spots with. You both provide backdrop material for each other. True friendships can form, sometimes they don’t.

In my book, Every Man For Herself, a woman leaves Texas and moves to NYC where she knew no one. She got a job massaging rich men. Need I say more? She met tons of chicks, and had great dates.

Be the person you want to meet. Until then, keep going out alone. Go back to the same spots where you feel comfortable, play with your Blackberry, chat up the bartender, observe, chill, get drunk (you may end up with the whole bar by your side cracking jokes, the world just looks more friendlier through liquored up eyes) and enjoy everything NYC has to offer. Even the frustration.

AF with love,
MR

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