Unprotected Sex Is the New Marriage

I didn’t know how to articulate this, but I had these thoughts for a while. I’ve always heard about it like a whisper in the wind. That having sex without a condom is signifying one is ready for the next step in the relationship. How dumb. It signifies that you are ready for a disease or a child. I am also torn between whether condom use should continue in marriage. Of course, when you’re married you should be in a monogamous relationship, but if a wife feels her husband is out there, start wearing condoms again, especially if you continue to have sex with him. It’s a given, because having an affair isn’t always neat and nice. The only people who should be having sex with no condoms are those who are in a monogamous MARRIED relationship. If you live together and it’s all good, you should still wear one. This may make you walk down the aisle a lot quicker, too

See the article on NPR.

Crazy times…

Good Life Review: The Kitchn

If anyone has spent more than an hour with me, you’ll know I absolutely love food, eating, smelling and bathing in it if I could, while still keeping my girlish figure.  So, I couldn’t resist reviewing www.thekitchn.com that a dedicated reader of Alphanista™ sent me.  She called it “progressive”.  I love a blog that’s on the edge, innovative, and provocative just like the (few) magazines I read.  What caught my eye was “How Do You Slice Apples?”  Who could think of something like that? The universal discovered in the detail, for sure.  If you think you knew how, you’ll find out that maybe you don’t in a clever, quick, descript writing.  But you gotta love food to appreciate it. You’ve gotta love the taste in your mouth, the bite, the zest, even the surprises.

The site is set against a clean, white backdrop to make it fluid and easy to read.  The article Solo Eating For One has tips in there I never thought of and I’ve read at least 100 articles about single eating.  The egg is the best friend of a person eating for one.  Huh? And I’m not even an egg person. It says, “A fried egg over some sautéed vegetables or on top of soba noodles gives it dinner importance far beyond its breakfast beginnings. It’s even packaged as a single-serving item. Scramble it with some greens and put it over toast like the tartine pictured above.”  And the photo is mouth watering.  It makes me want to eat more eggs.

Weekend Meditation: Under the Weather is about comfort foods when you’re sick. “It’s interesting to note what foods I crave in my sickroom: the sweet tang of orange juice, the salty-meaty warmth of chicken soup, hot tea with lemon and honey. Occasionally I want something cool on my throat like ice cream, but at the same time dairy has lost it’s appeal.”  OMG. Now, I know why I don’t like dairy when I’m feeling whoozy. This article made me want to get sick just to eat.  So many comments, who knew sick-food-people were a cult? 

In Kitchen Tours, check out the smallest kitchen ever.  Now, you have no excuse for how your kitchen looks.  This is just a bit of all the site offers.  I don’t do site reviews often, but only those that are about upgrading your lifestyle, and it isn’t always about a man (we got that covered).  Let me end it with this: Fresh, late summer peaches over warm, homey oatmeal that reminds us of fall…  Yes, it does.

ADVICE: I LET MY MAN GO, TO KEEP HIM

Me and my man are not like the couples we know.  It’s different what we have.  He’s very handsome and me, I’m pretty damn attractive too.  When we got together it was sex on the first date.  We didn’t even leave the restaurant!  That was 5 years ago.  Still strong still in love.  But before we got together he told me he could never be faithful, but he’d be loyal.  I laughed it off.  I didn’t know what he meant.  I do now. For the last 2 years, we’ve had an open relationship.  He sees other women.  I am not seeing anyone else.  We are happier than we ever have been.  He always, always comes home before the sun rises.  He calls, answers my calls, and never disrespects our home.  That’s the kind of agreement we have.  He holds his end every well. I bitch about it sometimes only because I think I should.  I’m not really that mad because I know.  Problem is I told a friend about our arrangement and she told everybody.  Now, people look at us like freaks.  I’m feeling may be I did something wrong that’s my fault why he hasn’t popped the question this whole time.  Did I create a monster?  Should I stop this?

D from Bronx, NY

 

Dear D:

Slow down.  You asked like three questions that need a different answer.  I can’t address the marriage thing, because I don’t know how old you are or what else is involved.  Before you start thinking about that, you need to be at peace with what the relationship is like now, because it may never change.  Marriage doesn’t make people change, it shows people up.  To the matter at hand:  Never talk to your friends about intimate relationship details.  Ever.  Especially one as unconventional as yours.  I believe you are okay with it.  If you are, then leave it as is.  Always honor your yes-es and no-s in life.  It’s obviously working out for you, until you announced it.  What kind of monster did you create?  Seems like “monster” is the doubt your friends are putting in your head.  Sounds to me that you and your man are both products of each other’s needs.  He needs you to be you and you need him to be him to validate each other, somehow.  It gives you security to know that “my man can’t lie that he’s cheating because I know that he is”.  This is also similar to why women date men who are married.  They feel they already know the biggest secret, so what else can there be to threaten what they have. 

If you stop it, you run the risk of losing the relationship.  It’s almost like breaking an agreement.  It will seem manipulative.  Stop it only if you are ready to leave the relationship.  If you stay, you’ll drive yourself nuts wondering if he’s really stopped.  Don’t blame this man for something you agreed to do, and do not punish him for being honest from the gate.

With love,

MR

REWIND: 10 Things Michelle Obama Did Right….

As unmarried Black women (and there’s a lot!) what can we learn from her? If you have an attitude after reading this, refer to #6 and buy my books.

1. She didn’t let the “lightskinned guy” thing get to her. Too many black women (and yes, white women, too) are hung up on the tall, dark skinned guy with the bald head and the suit on—broke or wealthy. Ladies, very few times is his preference YOU.

2. She didn’t let the fact that he is rather slim (puny) and far from muscular distract her. Refer back to #1. Obama has the kind of body most women do not notice. It doesn’t scream “virile, robust, healthy male, here” to our roaming virginal eggs waiting to be fertilized. Obama is a skinny little thing and definitely not in athlete-football player form, but still every bit of a man.

3. She got around her beliefs about him being below her and “just a summer associate” and got to know him as an individual. Stop overlooking the dude because he didn’t go to the right college, know the right people, or makes more money than you. Live your life.

4. She “dated” him. They went to the museum, they had ice cream. He didn’t ball out and drop $200 on a first date dinner or pull up in a shiny black Beamer or jet her off to Atlantic City to blow thousands during a hot weekend at the Borgota. He took her for ice cream. She said yes. Too many sisters, would’ve screamed that he was BROKE. Then go home and call their friends. “Giirrrl, do you know that fool had the nerve to ask me out for ice cream? He shouldn’t be dating if he can’t afford it.”

5. She lets him shine. She hasn’t written her book. Usually, sisters have to their own and would’ve written a book by now about “My Life With Obama.” It would sound something like, “He got two books out. I’m gonna get me at least one. This is my moment too. Damn, I may even start my own clothing label!” Thank you, Michelle for sparing us the details and letting the man have his moment. When it looked like you could’ve stolen it, you stepped back, and let him shine for the greater good.

6. She listens to others. She understands her role as first lady in waiting and is working with her advisors. She is okay with the “transformation” to the new soft, pastel-colored suits and perfect flip. She is a kinder, softer Michelle and she smiles more. Ladies, we need to smile more and be more open.

7. She supported his out-of-this-world idea to run for President of the United States of America. Instead of saying, “Why would you want to do some dumb ass sh*t like that?”

8. She stayed in shape keeping up a great physical, slender physique despite having children and a full time job. She didn’t let it go. She goes to the gym, you can see the cuts in her arms. All these pics we see of Michelle she looks the same way. Keepin’ it tight for her man!

9. She values her motherhood and femininity. She chose to work at a university that was near her daughters’ school so it would be easy to pick them up. She is always seen as the “mother” very comfortable in a nurturing role. Where as, someone else would be like, “He need to get his ass back from his little Senator meeting now. I got a nail appointment!”

10. She said “yes” when he proposed. ‘Nuff said.

by Maryann Reid

No More Excuses, Black Women

 

It’s time for a new look.  Please, don’t get offended.  White women did this ages ago with Jackie O.  It’s tradition that the first lady look the part of an American woman, for she represents the American woman.  But with Michelle, you better believe, black women are going to be watching her very closely and they should.  Here’s a woman who doesn’t wear weaves, who works out, and though not a drop dead beauty, as a refined beauty that she has learned to work with and enhance.  Her look is clean, neat, and fresh.  It’s quiet, but ambitious.  Colors are soft, maybe a surprise of bold, like red or purple here and there.  What I enjoy most about Michelle’s look is its naturalness. It’s clean.  (Yes, I know I said that already.)  A look that needs very little, but says a whole lot. 

Unfortunately, when I see some black women it’s just overkill.  The straight hair weave down the back, the fake eyelashes, the nails, the tight fitted clothes, the harsh makeup and jewelry.  It’s just too much.  And granted, I’m not talking about “ghetto” women, I am talking about black corporate women who when they go out afterwork they just either do too much or not enough.  It doesn’t look effortless.  It doesn’t look clean.  Clean.  That’s Michelle.  Her nails are short, buffed and natural looking.  It’s not boring, it’s very feminine.  She has a soft, nurturing nature that makes you wanna sit down and drink tea together.  It doesn’t matter how she is behind doors, she looks friggin great.

With all that said, black women can take a hint.  Leave the weaves, alone, to start with.  Unless you are a cancer patient, you don’t need a weave or a wig.  Unless you are over 75 years old and your hair has fallen out, you don’t need extensions.  Unless you’re a star singer or actress, you don’t need it, period.  Just the thought of taking a needle to my head, is crazy, just to fit into a look that women think men want.  Pulease, men have no idea what they like in a woman until they see it.  We already do brazilian waxes, and that’s enough.  There’s beauty in all kinds of hair styles, even the thinnest or kinkiest of curls.  With all the hair products on the market, if you took the time, you can work with your hair.  Yes, relaxed hair is fine.  I am just speaking on added, new hair.  The only problem I have with Michelle is her eyebrows.  But hey, we can’t all be perfect.

Michelle is also the perfect indication that no, not all black women are prone to be fat or have to be after their first child.  If black men can learn something from Obama’s win, black women can start jotting a few things down, too.  No more excuses.  Anymore.

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